FireSprite

Or at least, that's how RAH's recovery feels sometimes. I realize it's not for me to judge & it's not a race, but watching him spin in circles & go through such a long process for each obstacle is painful no matter how detached or confident I am in my own recovery. He is just so stubborn about the way he handles things and by his own admission can't seem to see when he's making things harder for himself!!

Sometimes it's just so hard to watch & even though I am super aware of it, I get drawn in to the old dance - you know the one..... where everything becomes personal & arguments have hair-trigger starts, and we both need a major step back in order to proceed ahead.

We handle it, but I'm tired of the dance. I think of how many other strides we (I) could be making if there wasn't always so much regression.

So carry on, nothing to see here.... I just needed to vent for a moment out loud (kinda) and get it off my chest..... 2 steps forward, 1 step back....

MsPINKAcres

((Firesprite))

Hang in there and try to remember ~ regardless of how he feels and the things thrown at you - you don't have to "pick-up the rope"

"If you want something different, you have to do something different"

There is nothing wrong with stopping in the middle of one of those major set backs and saying

"wait, we are a recovery household now and we don't do things this same ole way. Let's take a timeout and come back when we are both a little calmer"

may not solve the problem, but it may give both of you a chance to take away the initial anger to where everyone can now work together to find a common solution ~

just sharing my e, s, & h - take what you like that you think can help and leave the rest

pink hugs!

dandylion

Dear FireSprite, I can't remember--how long has he been in recovery?

dandylion

FireSprite

Thanks Ms Pink, I do pretty well with that most days. But every now & then I just have THAT day where I need extra support or whatever & the 10th consecutive "issue" has come up & I just lose my focus on dropping the rope, etc. It's not even always that we're angry AT each other necessarily, more often I blow my fuse when his poor decisions impact me, my schedule, DD or us as a family. Sometimes there's a fine line between standing up for myself & dropping the rope with him.

DandyLion - almost 2 YEARS! Even though he has a sponsor that he really relates to, he's never done any step work specifically. He's down to attending meetings about every other week & really should be there at least weekly. He waits until he's in crisis mode & has mentally spiraled out of control before reaching out.

dandylion

WoW, FireSprite, I hear your frustration. It is said that it is in the steps that the true healing of recovery takes place. Changing thinking--leading to changing attitudes--leading to changed behaviors.

I just think it is important to remember that you have the right, at any time, to decide what you want in your life and what you are willing to live with. The boundrys are yours and you can adjust them at any time it serves your welfare.

serenity prayer....

dandylion

FireSprite

The part I highlighted exactly sums up my frustrations. I DO see changed behavior, I DO see him wanting to change even more, it's just the stubborn selfish way that he goes about it that makes me want to tear my hair out. Like watching a baby learn to walk & knowing you can't throw yourself in front of every fall.... it's still hard to watch.

I'm very clear about my boundaries & I stick to them or adjust as necessary. We do talk openly & he is MORE than aware of my frustrations, but he only has the ability to see it from his perspective so he doesn't truly understand my POV as clearly as he thinks or wants to.

Above all I AM happy that he hasn't relapsed and that he's dedicated enough in that regard. But I really, really wish he'd accept help outside of just not drinking & attending meetings on an emergency basis. He did agree to have a check up with his primary care doc & had some basic bloodwork done. Everything came back A-OK except for a severe deficit in Vitamin B12 & he was supposed to go back for injections but decided to handle it with OTC supplements instead.... which he hasn't followed through on taking.

I'm thrilled that he checked out well physically, but pointed out that it means his issues are more mental/emotional & that's what he is struggling so hard with.

dandylion

Dear FireSprite, I think he should be made aware of the very serious neurological complications of Vit.B12 deficiency. Often this exists BECAUSE the B12 is not being absorbed from the stomach--so, OTC supplements will not correct the situation. We are not supposed to give medical advice.......don't go by me---please look it up....

On your frustrations--as you well know, by now, that your interference with his recovery will likely result in his resentment and not be of an help to either of you. You can't carry his water for him, in this regard.

Perhaps you are too close to the situation (and therefore, entangled), and maybe, need to consider a greater degree of detachment and lowering of expectations.

****I feel compelled to add that sometimes the OTC supplements contain several of the B vitamins (including thiamine)...Thiamine, in the absence of vitaminB12, can give a false picture of improvement---while severe neurological damage can occur.

Sorry to hammer on this---just please check out what I am saying on WEB MD or some other reputable source.......

FireSprite

Thank you so much DandyLion - I had concerns about this because it's not like his Dr to push meds (I've seen him eject drug company reps from his office in fact) so for him to suggest the injections in the 1st place told me it was really serious.... and then he kinda hemmed & hawed about RAH handling it with OTC. He did tell him that this is a big part of his focus, memory, sleep & other issues.

And yes, I can't lead the horse to water when he lives at the FRICKIN LAKE! :horse

Tuffgirl

Well, the good thing here is it is 2 steps forward...

Progress, not perfection! If you can see progress, even if its in teeny baby steps, that is something to be grateful for.

Peace,
~T

wiscsober

FireSprite thanks for the posts and vent...at times the focus of my recovery shifts towards other people and what they are or not doing....It is best for me to remember I am responsible for my recovery only...just was thinking that when reading this thread....best to you always