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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 9
Leaving
I posted this earlier in the incorrect thread so I'm re-posting in the appropriate forum.
Hello all. =)
I am here because I feel I need some support.
I'm sure a lot of you have been in my shoes... I really don't have many people to go to because I haven't/won't share my experiences with many.
I had a boyfriend for 3+ years. I still remember when I first met him... I was head over heels. I was on cloud 9.
Somehow, over time things got pretty intolerable (for me). My boyfriends parents divorced, he's a 33 year old adult... But I guess it still affects you regardless of your age. His grandmother who he was extremely close to recently passed away. And plenty of other family drama (lawsuits) etc happened while we were together.
Long story short - My exboyfriend is OK with responsibility but I feel he's very very immature. He has a steady government job and doesn't drink during the weekday. The weekend is another story. He starts Friday night, gets drunk. Wakes up Saturday morning around 6:30-7 a.m. and cracks open a can of beer and the cycle continues until Sunday afternoon. He basically binge drinks all weekend, to the point where he blacks out and doesn't remember where he left his debit/credit card.
This behavior is not OK with me. I do not like to waste my weekends away either babysitting or wasting it away by following him from bar to bar with his binge drinking buddies. Or worse being treated as a taxi since I'm sober.
I guess I'm angry.
Its hard because I was with the person I loved, admired, respected and enjoyed spending time with 5 days a week but the weekends were another story.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I need. I'm not sure if its support, or if I need to cry it out, or let the anger out.
I miss him but I also lost a lot of admiration towards him.
I wish things were easier.
Hello all. =)
I am here because I feel I need some support.
I'm sure a lot of you have been in my shoes... I really don't have many people to go to because I haven't/won't share my experiences with many.
I had a boyfriend for 3+ years. I still remember when I first met him... I was head over heels. I was on cloud 9.
Somehow, over time things got pretty intolerable (for me). My boyfriends parents divorced, he's a 33 year old adult... But I guess it still affects you regardless of your age. His grandmother who he was extremely close to recently passed away. And plenty of other family drama (lawsuits) etc happened while we were together.
Long story short - My exboyfriend is OK with responsibility but I feel he's very very immature. He has a steady government job and doesn't drink during the weekday. The weekend is another story. He starts Friday night, gets drunk. Wakes up Saturday morning around 6:30-7 a.m. and cracks open a can of beer and the cycle continues until Sunday afternoon. He basically binge drinks all weekend, to the point where he blacks out and doesn't remember where he left his debit/credit card.
This behavior is not OK with me. I do not like to waste my weekends away either babysitting or wasting it away by following him from bar to bar with his binge drinking buddies. Or worse being treated as a taxi since I'm sober.
I guess I'm angry.
Its hard because I was with the person I loved, admired, respected and enjoyed spending time with 5 days a week but the weekends were another story.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I need. I'm not sure if its support, or if I need to cry it out, or let the anger out.
I miss him but I also lost a lot of admiration towards him.
I wish things were easier.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I understand what you are going through. You would benefit from Alanon. It's free and its for friends and family of alcoholics. You are right to recognize all that you are giving up to remain in this relationship. You will learn that He is responsible for his own drinking. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure his problem with drinking. He will not change until he is ready to change if ever. You must focus on yourself as that is the only person you can change. Alanon will help you make the important decisions you need to make.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Seconding Unsure's advice about Alanon. I found a lot of support and wisdom here, but sometimes you need a real live person right there w/you, and SR can't offer that, unfortunately.
At your first meeting, you'll likely find out about a lot of reading material and other meetings you can attend. You'll likely also get a phone list in case you need/want to contact other members. It can make you feel so much less alone, just knowing you can reach out to someone who "gets it" at any time of the day (kind of like here!).
Anyway, I think you're making a smart move to check out Alanon. Wishing you peace and clarity.
At your first meeting, you'll likely find out about a lot of reading material and other meetings you can attend. You'll likely also get a phone list in case you need/want to contact other members. It can make you feel so much less alone, just knowing you can reach out to someone who "gets it" at any time of the day (kind of like here!).
Anyway, I think you're making a smart move to check out Alanon. Wishing you peace and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
"This behavior is not OK with me."
Welcome, sleepwalking, and I would say that you seem pretty wide awake!
It is so typical, so predictable, that the gf's of alcoholics or drug addicts start very early minimizing the drinking, the using, repress their anger and instead decide to be sympathetic and "helpful," and have no clear boundaries about what they need and require in relationship (such as: a SOBER partner, dependability, a feeling of emotional safety, physical safety--drunk partner means drunk driver--and the basic list of reasonable expectations for mature relationship). I think your anger is a very healthy response!
Your exbf has probably been drinking since adolescence, which means he has been avoiding maturing, dealing with reality, and learning how to be an equal partner to another person. Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. The alcoholic is demanding and controlling, either overtly or in a covert threatening way. This is because anyone who comes between him and alcohol is seen as an enemy and he will not tolerate anything other than things being exactly his way.
He may come around again, it is a predictable pattern that alcoholics do that, and if he does, and you feel confused about what to do, as suggested go to Al-Anon and I also recommend you pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, as it specifically describes the ways alcoholics control and intimidate their partners.
SR is here if you need some backbone!
Welcome, sleepwalking, and I would say that you seem pretty wide awake!
It is so typical, so predictable, that the gf's of alcoholics or drug addicts start very early minimizing the drinking, the using, repress their anger and instead decide to be sympathetic and "helpful," and have no clear boundaries about what they need and require in relationship (such as: a SOBER partner, dependability, a feeling of emotional safety, physical safety--drunk partner means drunk driver--and the basic list of reasonable expectations for mature relationship). I think your anger is a very healthy response!
Your exbf has probably been drinking since adolescence, which means he has been avoiding maturing, dealing with reality, and learning how to be an equal partner to another person. Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. The alcoholic is demanding and controlling, either overtly or in a covert threatening way. This is because anyone who comes between him and alcohol is seen as an enemy and he will not tolerate anything other than things being exactly his way.
He may come around again, it is a predictable pattern that alcoholics do that, and if he does, and you feel confused about what to do, as suggested go to Al-Anon and I also recommend you pick up a copy of "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, as it specifically describes the ways alcoholics control and intimidate their partners.
SR is here if you need some backbone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 9
i have a feeling he will come around. this past weekend he called me sometime around 1 a.m. - i didn't answer, but i'm 150% sure he was drunk.
its hard. i can seem like i'm handling this well and i am to a certain extent. i know i won't allow myself to go back there but it is hard. but... i also know this isn't the end of the world. i trust life. i trust that there are better experiences for me to live and as the saying goes, "we met for a reason, either you are a lesson or a blessing". he was both at different times but i'm focusing on the lesson part.
i'll pick up the book too. i really appreciate the support i've received here. =)
sending my most sincere thanks to everyone.
its hard. i can seem like i'm handling this well and i am to a certain extent. i know i won't allow myself to go back there but it is hard. but... i also know this isn't the end of the world. i trust life. i trust that there are better experiences for me to live and as the saying goes, "we met for a reason, either you are a lesson or a blessing". he was both at different times but i'm focusing on the lesson part.
i'll pick up the book too. i really appreciate the support i've received here. =)
sending my most sincere thanks to everyone.
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