LeSigh

Hiya folks..


My solicitors issued the first letter to start formalising the separation agreement with my STBXAH.

AH and I are kind of NC, were last in touch a few weeks ago to discuss handing over the last of his things. I suggested a time, he replied that my suggestion didn't suit and that later in week would be better.. I let that drift and nothing has been arranged/finished..

Knowing that he is likely to receive the letter tomorrow, I'm dithering over whether better to warn him it's coming or not. The letter includes advice to him to seek independent counsel on the matter. I have a feeling if he gets the letter out of the blue, he will react more negatively than if I were to text him in advance that it's coming and it's nothing to worry about, simply the formalising of the current situation.

My needs in the situation are to have him agree that we are separated, and that in the event if a divorce, neither party would seek financial stuff from the other.

I'm more likely to get an agreement with kindness, he is not a fighter but reacts with fear to new situations.

Part of me says keep head down and let the letter come, but other half thinks the storm might be over quicker if I prepare the ground.

Any advice or experience in this?

In other news, I have a starter session with a counsellor tomorrow.

And in better news, the road trip I mentioned in a previous post involved wild swimming in the most beautiful lake (see photo).

I'm not feeling panicked or emotional about whether or not to contact AH, just not sure which way to play the current hand of cards..

Any advice very gratefully received

X

LeSigh

Argh.


I *am* flapping about wanting to contact him. I've refreshed this page for advice wayyyy to many times to be as nonchalant as I wrote.

I want to take the sting out for him. But that is the minimising of consequences and trying to withhold the worst pain from him.

It's like knowing it is his birthday, and staying out of contact. That was very difficult and he told me after how painful the day had been waiting to see if I'd get in touch.

Is it guilt at the bottom of this? Do I feel guilty for rejecting him, even though it was my only choice?

And it will sting either way, the only difference is that by not contacting him, I see myself as stashing idly by watching him hurt. When the hurt is simply a consequence of his choices and addiction.

It's painful to be the one seeking divorce. I don't like causing this pain in his life. Knee jerk reaction is to try and influence for less pain.

But it doesn't work, right?

X

Hollyanne

I am not a fighter either, but I have a pitbull of a sister who loves a good fight.
If you think he will get an awful fright, send him a text saying there will be paperwork coming his way tomorrow.
It's night there now.
He may be drinking?
Does he have a good friend/buddy that you could call and ask what they think?

ShootingStar1

This is a hard one, LeSigh.

I'd try to sort out where my motivation is coming from, both pro letting him know paperwork is coming, and con, letting him just receive it.

Maybe write it down, 2 columns and then add it up.

If you are thinking of letting him know because you feel guilty, worried about your reaction, worried about HIS reaction, afraid that you are hurting him, afraid that he won't cope, those are probably reasons that fall into the more co-dependent line of behavior.

He has made his bed, and he is an adult, and he now has to face the consequences of his actions. You can't fix it for him, and you don't need to feel it for him either.

If you genuinely feel that it is just a good thing do to, respectful of your past relationship, then sending a text that he's getting paperwork tomorrow might be helpful. But it might also draw you both back into contact, and for me, that is troublesome. Before long, I am looking at issues from HIS perspective instead of mine, and then I am tempted to make decisions on that basis rather than what is best for me. For me it's a slippery slope that initially seems like very level ground.

And, you have hired a solicitor to handle this for you. I have also found that my divorce attorney was often much more in tune with how to handle a situation than I was because he wasn't clouded by emotion.

And realize that neither choice is "bad". They are just different. What you are doing is trying to anticipate his response to your solicitor's letter, and dodge a bullet by heading off his anger and fear. So what really matters for you is thinking about how you are going to handle his reactions in a way that is constructive for you. You get to be back at the center of this equation.

ShootingStar1

LeSigh

I think you're right, he will get a fright.. The letter has the divorce word in it, even though its just a separation agreement at this point..

Will something along lines of solicitors have started working on it, he'll probably get a letter this week, and that it's simply to formalise current situation (been separated for 6 months now)..

Gut feels it is right thing to do, just hope I've not opened a can of worms that I could have avoided..

Ill leave it up to him to tell his friends, he's very private/secretive, don't want to meddle and have it blow up in my face..

Ho hum.. Not easy all this stuff :"(

Thanks for your reply hollyanne

Xx

LeSigh

Ah, shooting star.. Wise words..

I will digest and examine motives..

Tricky one, isn't it..

I think a lot of my gut feelings are about respecting the past relationship, and treating folk how I wish to be treated.. I want to handle myself with dignity, though that doesn't tell me to text or to leave it..

I'm certainly not trying to manipulate him into sobriety by creating a larger drama out of a situation, and I've thought very carefully so far as to motivation for the separation agreement in first place. Solicitor had suggested I holdout for the end of our 12 month separation, and raise the divorce without any pre agreement.. Had a struggle to identify that impetus for waiting for divorce was mostly to delay pain for AH. Moved past it and instructed lawyers yesterday. It will cost me extra, but I think the extra surety is what I need more than making my AH more comfortable/complacent for the rest of this years limbo..

This feels different though. I know it'll be a crappy shock for him. While its true that emotionally i am up and down, I'm certainly not embroiled in his chaos, not confused, nor in crisis mode.. it's a small gesture to be kind.. My expectations are that he may not even reply, and if he does, it won't be any worse than things he has already said.. But pro of the gesture is that it pre-smooths the road a little.. Less shock = less fight/flight.. = sooner agreed

I guess the fact is, it's a crappy and painful situation. The fact I am feeling feelings about it shows mostly that I'm not a robot, and I have empathy.

My gut says to show him courtesy of a heads up..

Hollyanne

I just read your first and second threads.
Different answer now.
Honestly, from just what you wrote in those two threads, I would say you nearly would qualify for an annulment.
He was not a well puppy to begin with.
And, his family knew that.
They left you marry him knowing he was damaged goods and that annoys me.
He would be taken care of and mammy and daddy could relax.
You sound like a kind and smart lady.
Shooting Star is right.
Let the solicitor deal with him.

I will admit one serious prejudice that I have.
I absolutely cannot stand people who threaten suicide.
It is the most snivelling, despicable low thing one can pull on someone else.
Anyone pulling that cr@p gets the boot from me.
Blackmail! If you do not do as I say, I will kill myself! You are responsible for my life!
Boohoo, Get outta here!
No, I am not bipolar, as it may seem from the two answers.
I just was not aware of the backstory.
You have had a terrible time.
You need support!

wicked

What you need and want is all that matters right here, right now.
You have done your very best.
People who are ill will react badly to anything if given a chance.
It is okay to let him see the solicitators letter without a buffer.
He is a grown man.
Time to let go, and take more time for what you NEED, for you.

Beth

LeSigh

Ha! You know, I'd almost forgotten the worst of the situation Hollyanne, it feels like I'm reading about someone else when I go back to those posts.. Geez, I'm so glad I've made all the changes that were SO necessary..

As my wise mother said to me today, "better to travel alone than in bad company.."

Life is much better now, though it does take effort to keep an eye on myself to make sure my path stays straight ish..

Counselling tomorrow to start to sift through the wreckage and the steps that brought me to the marriage.. I feel like I'm about to loose a tonne if emotional weight. I know it will be difficult and painful, but I feel ready to move forwards and start to put this all behind me..

Thanks for reminding me of how far I've come..

X

transformyself

Yep wise words.

when I filed, I told AH about it. it was the right thing for me to do. I told him I was telling him so he could prepare and wouldn't be sucker punched. That I thought it was the right thing to do. He was grateful.

CarryOn

Good input here...just wanted to comment on one item you mentioned...

"Ill leave it up to him to tell his friends, he's very private/secretive, don't want to meddle and have it blow up in my face.."

I think you are right on with this. You tell your support network what is going on, he tells his. No point telling people on his behalf - a form of enabling him in a way, but you also never know what can of worms you will open!

LeSigh

just thought I'd let you know, I decided to give him the warning text, no response at all so far, and I've my phone set to do not disturb in the meantime.

It feels like it was the right thing to do, and i feel peaceful that I am treating him with kindness, while obviously taking steps to continue my progress towards a peaceful and quiet (single) life.

If it were the other way around, or a shift in situation, I think I would appreciate the heads up.

So. Feeling okay.

Dreading the next steps, but I think I navigated this one to the best of my ability. THe solicitors have asked for a 14 day response, so we'll see what the next fortnight brings.

Thanks so much for the support and contact, it really helps to be understood by kindred spirits, who understand why something as small as a text can be so painful to decide.

Thank you

x