No clue what do to
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 14
No clue what do to
I have been lurking these forums for a bit after I discovered my girlfriend of nearly three years start abusing Oxycodone again.
I knew about her history with addiction before we were together, and I never judged her for it. In my twenties I had my own battle with cocaine. While it never reached the point where my life completely fell apart, but I got real close to the edge. Fortunately I hit my bottom before it was too late.
Anyways....
Here is the story. I came home last Wednesday to my Girlfriend packing a bag. She had already made arrangement to check into a detox facility in the area. I told her when we moved in together that if she ever thought about using, to talk to me. As long as she was honest with me we could work through anything together.
I guess I had forgotten how efficient liars addicts can be. There were signs that I chose not to acknowledge. If there was a problem, she would talk to me, right?
A few days later I met with her mother to help come up with a plan to support her while she started her recovery. The facility the GF is at is heavily focused on NarAnon meetings. While I was devastated about the lying, i knew that my GF had taken the first step to her recovery on her own. She wants to get better.
In my discussions with her mother, she mentioned that when my GF was a teenager living with her, her Mom had kept valuables locked up from fear that she would steal them. We came up with a plan, and I headed home.
After arriving at my house, the comment her mother made about locking up valuables kept rattle around in my head. In the back of my closet, I keep a small box with some jewelery and other assorted knick-knacks that I have accumulated over the years. I dont wear any of it any more, but it all has significant sentimental value to me. Items given to me from my parents when I was a child, and the wedding ring from my first marriage. I hadnt even opened the box in months. AFter what her mother said, I had to look, and to my disgust, everything was gone. AT least a few thousand dollars worth of gold and jewelery was sold to support her habit.
How did it get that bad? How did I not notice.
My GF left me no choice. I packed up all of her things, and took them to her mothers. I had to tell her over the phone, while she is in the middle of detoxing from that poison, that our home was no longer her home.
It broke my heart.
Now I am stuck. I want her to get better, but I dont want to end up here again.
She is still calling me from the facility, making promises, crying, begging to let her come back. I just can't. Not now.
I want to be there for her, but I wont be hurt like that again. She is supposed to get out Wednesday at 11am, and she has her first NA meeting outside of the facility. She met a woman who has been clean for 22 years who works at the facility as a counselor who attends that same meeting. I believe my GF is going to ask the woman to be her sponsor.
I want to believe that she can recover from this. I really do.
With everything inside me telling me to run away from her and never look back, my heart won't let me.
Can the trust ever be rebuilt?
Thanks for Listening.
I knew about her history with addiction before we were together, and I never judged her for it. In my twenties I had my own battle with cocaine. While it never reached the point where my life completely fell apart, but I got real close to the edge. Fortunately I hit my bottom before it was too late.
Anyways....
Here is the story. I came home last Wednesday to my Girlfriend packing a bag. She had already made arrangement to check into a detox facility in the area. I told her when we moved in together that if she ever thought about using, to talk to me. As long as she was honest with me we could work through anything together.
I guess I had forgotten how efficient liars addicts can be. There were signs that I chose not to acknowledge. If there was a problem, she would talk to me, right?
A few days later I met with her mother to help come up with a plan to support her while she started her recovery. The facility the GF is at is heavily focused on NarAnon meetings. While I was devastated about the lying, i knew that my GF had taken the first step to her recovery on her own. She wants to get better.
In my discussions with her mother, she mentioned that when my GF was a teenager living with her, her Mom had kept valuables locked up from fear that she would steal them. We came up with a plan, and I headed home.
After arriving at my house, the comment her mother made about locking up valuables kept rattle around in my head. In the back of my closet, I keep a small box with some jewelery and other assorted knick-knacks that I have accumulated over the years. I dont wear any of it any more, but it all has significant sentimental value to me. Items given to me from my parents when I was a child, and the wedding ring from my first marriage. I hadnt even opened the box in months. AFter what her mother said, I had to look, and to my disgust, everything was gone. AT least a few thousand dollars worth of gold and jewelery was sold to support her habit.
How did it get that bad? How did I not notice.
My GF left me no choice. I packed up all of her things, and took them to her mothers. I had to tell her over the phone, while she is in the middle of detoxing from that poison, that our home was no longer her home.
It broke my heart.
Now I am stuck. I want her to get better, but I dont want to end up here again.
She is still calling me from the facility, making promises, crying, begging to let her come back. I just can't. Not now.
I want to be there for her, but I wont be hurt like that again. She is supposed to get out Wednesday at 11am, and she has her first NA meeting outside of the facility. She met a woman who has been clean for 22 years who works at the facility as a counselor who attends that same meeting. I believe my GF is going to ask the woman to be her sponsor.
I want to believe that she can recover from this. I really do.
With everything inside me telling me to run away from her and never look back, my heart won't let me.
Can the trust ever be rebuilt?
Thanks for Listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I can't answer your questions, but welcome and I'm sorry for what brought you here.
With her working her recovery, maybe you could work on yours and then check in with each other in a year to see where you both are at that time.
You sound like you have good healthy boundaries!
With her working her recovery, maybe you could work on yours and then check in with each other in a year to see where you both are at that time.
You sound like you have good healthy boundaries!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I'm so sorry about the loss of the sentimental items and that you are in this situation, bryanb1...but good for you for putting your foot down and setting a boundary. Yes, it's possible she can recover from this, but it is going to take time and a LOT of hard work on her part. Unfortunately, I think it is just way too early to be able to determine whether she is serious about recovery or not at this point. But right now, you can take care of YOU and decide what you will and will not put up with in your life. In a lot of cases, I think it is possible to rebuild trust, but again, it will take a long time and a lot of work on both your parts. And right now, if she IS serious about getting clean, she needs to concentrate on herself and only herself, just as you need to concentrate on yourself. Others will be along shortly to share their ESH with you - I just wanted to welcome you, although I'm sorry for what brings you here. Please keep coming back and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Only you can answer those questions.
I feel that right now is wayyy too soon for you to even think about trusting her.
She has a long road ahead, she needs at least a year of recovery under her belt.
What are you doing to support your own health and healing????
Counseling??? Al anon??? NA??
You need time to sort this all out, when someone violates us, it is healthy to back away.
Take care of you, stop taking her calls, she needs to stand on her own two feet, she is not your responsibility.
I feel that right now is wayyy too soon for you to even think about trusting her.
She has a long road ahead, she needs at least a year of recovery under her belt.
What are you doing to support your own health and healing????
Counseling??? Al anon??? NA??
You need time to sort this all out, when someone violates us, it is healthy to back away.
Take care of you, stop taking her calls, she needs to stand on her own two feet, she is not your responsibility.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 14
Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate it.
Over the last week, it has been hard to remember that I have to focus on my own healing now.
I have come to grips with knowing that there really was nothing I could do. Its hard not to blame myself because all of the signs were there. I guess I just didn't want to believe she had relapsed. Hindsight sure is 20/20.
Its been a few days since I have spoken to her. From what her Mom has told me, She gets out of the detox facility today and is going straight to her first NA meeting an hour later. She will be quitting her job as a waitress (apparently where she found her latest dealer,) and will be focusing all of her attention on her recovery and school.
90 Meetings in 90 days is the plan for everyone who leaves the facility she was in. I hope she takes her recovery seriously. For her sake.
Over the last week, it has been hard to remember that I have to focus on my own healing now.
I have come to grips with knowing that there really was nothing I could do. Its hard not to blame myself because all of the signs were there. I guess I just didn't want to believe she had relapsed. Hindsight sure is 20/20.
Its been a few days since I have spoken to her. From what her Mom has told me, She gets out of the detox facility today and is going straight to her first NA meeting an hour later. She will be quitting her job as a waitress (apparently where she found her latest dealer,) and will be focusing all of her attention on her recovery and school.
90 Meetings in 90 days is the plan for everyone who leaves the facility she was in. I hope she takes her recovery seriously. For her sake.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The best predictor of future behavior is…..past behavior.
Not something we often want to believe because we have hope and faith that the things they did, stealing, lying, losing jobs, crashing cars, using, drinking, turning relationships inside out, etc. etc. was enough shame, embarrassment, lose and remorse to push them into recovery and remain there.
But more often then not, that shame and embarrassment subside, they find new jobs, they begin new relationships, buy new cars, push the importance of their recovery to the back burner because life is good.
Then bamb….one bad decision to use or drink and………….a repeat of past behaviors.
I’m not saying everyone repeats……but almost everyone who is not putting their recovery first and really working a strong program.
Only time……a lot of time will tell…..and in the mean time you have a lot to think about. Life with an addict/alcoholic can be filled with miss-trust. It can be filled with always feeling like you are walking on egg shells. It can be filled with constant anticipation of when is that left foot going to drop again. It can be filled with you constantly living on high alert, needing constant reassurance that she is not using, then you find yourself constantly checking, looking, spying………….it’s not a healthy way to live.
Not something we often want to believe because we have hope and faith that the things they did, stealing, lying, losing jobs, crashing cars, using, drinking, turning relationships inside out, etc. etc. was enough shame, embarrassment, lose and remorse to push them into recovery and remain there.
But more often then not, that shame and embarrassment subside, they find new jobs, they begin new relationships, buy new cars, push the importance of their recovery to the back burner because life is good.
Then bamb….one bad decision to use or drink and………….a repeat of past behaviors.
I’m not saying everyone repeats……but almost everyone who is not putting their recovery first and really working a strong program.
Only time……a lot of time will tell…..and in the mean time you have a lot to think about. Life with an addict/alcoholic can be filled with miss-trust. It can be filled with always feeling like you are walking on egg shells. It can be filled with constant anticipation of when is that left foot going to drop again. It can be filled with you constantly living on high alert, needing constant reassurance that she is not using, then you find yourself constantly checking, looking, spying………….it’s not a healthy way to live.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by atalose 
...
Only time……a lot of time will tell…..and in the mean time you have a lot to think about. Life with an addict/alcoholic can be filled with miss-trust. It can be filled with always feeling like you are walking on egg shells. It can be filled with constant anticipation of when is that left foot going to drop again. It can be filled with you constantly living on high alert, needing constant reassurance that she is not using, then you find yourself constantly checking, looking, spying………….it’s not a healthy way to live.
Only time……a lot of time will tell…..and in the mean time you have a lot to think about. Life with an addict/alcoholic can be filled with miss-trust. It can be filled with always feeling like you are walking on egg shells. It can be filled with constant anticipation of when is that left foot going to drop again. It can be filled with you constantly living on high alert, needing constant reassurance that she is not using, then you find yourself constantly checking, looking, spying………….it’s not a healthy way to live.
I spent some time last night thinking about just this.
Even if she works the program and stays clean, the Pandora's box has already been opened. What's the relapse rate on opiate addiction? Something like 80% in the first year? The statistics are frightening.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us but sorry for the reasons why your had to. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are where you are.
Living with an A, even one that is sober and clean for some time is a crap shoot. There are no guarantees in this world and especially when it comes to addiction.
I say this from my own experience of being continuous sober and clean for over 32 years now, and also in Alanon for over 29 years. I have had many sponsees in both programs, and yes I would say the relapse rate is at least 80%. Many do not find recovery at all, and many do end up elapsing several times. Relapse is part of the Addiction and not part of recovery.
I personally believe that relapse happens because a person has not put their recovery, BEFORE every thing else in their life. It is possible! There are many of us out here in the REAL WORLD living our lives sober and clean and being a productive member of society.
Please find yourself some counseling and/or some Alanon or Naranon meetings so you can 'work on you.' Unfortunately Addiction is a family disease and it can suck family members and friends in also. I mention Alanon as well as Naranon as usually there are many more Alanon meetings in an area that one can find one or two that fit into one's schedule, than there are Naranon meetings. It is the same program and helps the people that love the A to work on themselves.
Also check out the 'stickys' that are at the beginning of this forum. Some really good info is available!
Please keep posting and let us know how your are, as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.
Love and hugs,
Living with an A, even one that is sober and clean for some time is a crap shoot. There are no guarantees in this world and especially when it comes to addiction.
I say this from my own experience of being continuous sober and clean for over 32 years now, and also in Alanon for over 29 years. I have had many sponsees in both programs, and yes I would say the relapse rate is at least 80%. Many do not find recovery at all, and many do end up elapsing several times. Relapse is part of the Addiction and not part of recovery.
I personally believe that relapse happens because a person has not put their recovery, BEFORE every thing else in their life. It is possible! There are many of us out here in the REAL WORLD living our lives sober and clean and being a productive member of society.
Please find yourself some counseling and/or some Alanon or Naranon meetings so you can 'work on you.' Unfortunately Addiction is a family disease and it can suck family members and friends in also. I mention Alanon as well as Naranon as usually there are many more Alanon meetings in an area that one can find one or two that fit into one's schedule, than there are Naranon meetings. It is the same program and helps the people that love the A to work on themselves.
Also check out the 'stickys' that are at the beginning of this forum. Some really good info is available!
Please keep posting and let us know how your are, as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 14
I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone again for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
Since the incident occurred, I have spent quite a lot of time online learning more about addiction and particularly codependency. I picked up the following book shortly after posting here, and had the chance to read it over the weekend.
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love [Paperback]
Angelyn Miller
It was a very insightful read. My Ex is a bit younger than me, so I had been the one handing the vast majority of the responsibilities in the home. She was attending school when we first got together, so I had thought that by taking care of damn near everything else, I was helping providing her with a healthy environment to focus solely on her studies. It turns out that I was more likely stripping her of the opportunity of becoming a responsible adult.
While I know her latest relapse was not my fault at all, I was not providing a good environment for her personal growth. The way we were living was not healthy for either one of us.
Just as an update for those who are interested, my Ex got out of Detox last Wednesday, and has since attended 1-2 AA/NA meeting every single day. She has quit her job at the restaurant where she was working (where she met her latest dealer,) changed her phone number, and enrolled in a 30 day outpatient addiction treatment program. From what she has told me, she has met some really amazing people in AA. Seeing others that have learned to cope wit their addiction who's lives were in far worse shape than hers is has provided her with some perspective.
While she has a very long road ahead of her, I am happy to see she is heading in the right direction to stay clean, and become the woman she so wants to be.
Since the incident occurred, I have spent quite a lot of time online learning more about addiction and particularly codependency. I picked up the following book shortly after posting here, and had the chance to read it over the weekend.
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love [Paperback]
Angelyn Miller
It was a very insightful read. My Ex is a bit younger than me, so I had been the one handing the vast majority of the responsibilities in the home. She was attending school when we first got together, so I had thought that by taking care of damn near everything else, I was helping providing her with a healthy environment to focus solely on her studies. It turns out that I was more likely stripping her of the opportunity of becoming a responsible adult.
While I know her latest relapse was not my fault at all, I was not providing a good environment for her personal growth. The way we were living was not healthy for either one of us.
Just as an update for those who are interested, my Ex got out of Detox last Wednesday, and has since attended 1-2 AA/NA meeting every single day. She has quit her job at the restaurant where she was working (where she met her latest dealer,) changed her phone number, and enrolled in a 30 day outpatient addiction treatment program. From what she has told me, she has met some really amazing people in AA. Seeing others that have learned to cope wit their addiction who's lives were in far worse shape than hers is has provided her with some perspective.
While she has a very long road ahead of her, I am happy to see she is heading in the right direction to stay clean, and become the woman she so wants to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 14
Just a quick update.
It has been about 6 months since my AXGF checked herself into detox.
She was back in school, doing pretty well, and still attending meeting. Things seemed good.
Well, tonight she is spending the night in jail for felony shoplifting. The likely conclusion is that she is using again.
My response this time is to block her number and erase her insanity from my life. I wanted everything for her, but its not going to happen with me.
She has been staying with her mother since the incident in June. Her mom has all my sympathies.
Enough of my ranting, I am off to bed. Tomorrow I begin life anew without the poison of an addict in it at all.
It has been about 6 months since my AXGF checked herself into detox.
She was back in school, doing pretty well, and still attending meeting. Things seemed good.
Well, tonight she is spending the night in jail for felony shoplifting. The likely conclusion is that she is using again.
My response this time is to block her number and erase her insanity from my life. I wanted everything for her, but its not going to happen with me.
She has been staying with her mother since the incident in June. Her mom has all my sympathies.
Enough of my ranting, I am off to bed. Tomorrow I begin life anew without the poison of an addict in it at all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
