Marjoram

So, I just returned yesterday after a year of no discipline and not even making an attempt to gain sobriety. I read so much yesterday that it eventually made me feel overwhelmed and depressed. So, what did I do? You betcha. I dove in with both feet. To the point of throwing up before I went to bed. I know part was the alcohol, but the other part was because I was so upset with myself for not doing what I said I would do yesterday. I did not follow through on my word.

I've sat here thinking how I would come back today. But, I know this from the past. If you can't be honest with yourself, and you can't be honest here, then it will never stop.

I just dumped out a bottle of whiskey that was 90% full. My favorite, Crown Royale. And I'm sitting here staring at that empty bottle, and realizing there is a Beast in me that is shocked at what I just did. I will keep that empty bottle out today to remind me that I can beat this. That I have to not allow myself to fall into the same trap I did yesterday.

I have a number of books from my last time around, and will begin reading. I've ordered a book on AVRT, as I know AA is just not for me. And it has nothing to do with religion, as I come from a Christian family. My plan is to dive into that with both feet.

So with broken wings, I'm hoping to tape them back together, and begin my flight.

I have to remember in moments of weakness, that I do have to reach out to someone here. And I hope newbies take that to heart. It's amazing what someone can do for you, just by saying "be strong, you can do it". But, if you choose to fight it on your own, at times it can be very difficult.

I also need to reach out to my husband, who also drinks daily (but not hard liquor). He knows in his heart he needs to cut back, so I know I have to bring this up to him again. He will join me as in the past. I really know without him on this journey, I will have a hard time.

I sure as heck do not want to be a broken record here. My chin is up, and I'm reaching out.

Good Morning SR.

ChrissieB

Good job, liking your thinking x

Nonsensical

All of us against the addiction. Welcome back to the fight. Let's do this!

Crossfitdad

That's too bad marjoram. I know how tough it can be. I'm so addicted to nicotine it's crazy. I can't count how many times I have quit only to fail. I can't say the same for alcohol though..detox was relatively easy...the hard part being the whole never drinking again thing and the sleepless nights and boredom.

Keep it up...practice makes perfect.

Anna

I think it's great that you're back and ready to work hard on your recovery.

Getting rid of the alcohol in your house is a good idea, too.

visch1

Hi. Honesty with ones self I find is probably the most important factor is getting/staying sober. The problem I had was that I lied so much about my drinking and reasons to drink I believed the bull crap. I made up reasons not to go to AA, reasons to play darts at the bar, get my cigarettes at the packie, imagine all the fun I was missing not being with my "friends" etc. I finally went to meetings when the pain got to be too much and found out it's a WE program where it's great to be among people who understand us. It works with a lot of work on myself with help from willing fellowship people around the world. BE WELL

least

Glad you're giving it another go.

SoulKat

I'm totally with you. I fell off the wagon 2 nights ago. We can do this together. This is a great place for support.

SnwFlower

Good job on pouring it out, that was a great start. We're here with you and rooting for you Marjoram.

Marjoram

I woke up at 2:20 a.m. and could not get back to sleep until 4:30 a.m. I laid there thinking about what I needed to do to not allow this to happen when I woke up for the day (which was at 6:00 a.m.). I know the reason I couldn't sleep, it's this. Knowing I have to make this right. I definitely felt guilty for my actions. It's a feeling I want to get rid of. I'm tired of waking up with that horrible taste of the prior days drinking in my month. I'm tired of forgetting things I told people. I'm tired of waking up feeling foggy and with no ambition. Being sober is awesome. I've done it before, and I want it back. Thank you to everyone here at SR for welcoming me again and again. I feel good today, and hope it sticks.

DG0409

Honesty goes a long way.

Way to go on coming back here and posting!

We're all here rooting for you!!

Nuudawn

With only 8 days sobriety under my belt, it's so good to hear how good you felt sobriety was and how much you want it back. You know it..and you're here, and that's awesome. Nice to meet you Marjoram.

neferkamichael

Majorram, poured out a bottle of crown royale? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Please never give up.

Marjoram

You know the empty bottle is on the counter. And when I see it or walk by it, I give it the fist as in "take that". I know these feelings go up and down....but knowing I want this, and with all the support here, it can be done. For right now, it feels good, but I know the journey has once again, just begun. Cool part is, I'm holding the map, so it's up to me where I go next.

Marjoram

Nuudawn - nice to meet you as well - and day 8 - that's awesome!!! I can't wait to be able to say that.
Neferkamichael - I promise to never give up. That you have my word on.

Marjoram

It's empty, and it's how I started my day - pouring it right down the drain. And I have not gone to the store to buy more. I know it's only day one....but so far so good. I hope this feeling stays the rest of the day.

Nuudawn

And I can't wait for you to say that either Marjoram!!! You know what I love? How darn happy I am to feel some semblance of control over my life. It's getting a whole lot harder to hate myself with each step in the right direction
I gave up drinking (again) for one reason but as each day unfolds and random memories appear here there and everywhere..I realize how much of my life I've wasted..drunk and more and more positive reasons appear constantly. It's so awesome. I look forward to hear more of your story on the boards!

DG0409

I can so relate. Seems like I have a new reason to stay quit every hour.

neferkamichael

Majoram, it was tough for me in the beginning but I'm now going on 3 years sober, and I drank for 42 years. Although I have other issues, I can't deny I am better of without the booze and dope. Rootin for ya.

Soberpotamus

WTG, Marjoram! Glad you poured it out and are determined to succeed! You CAN do it!