Feeling all the traits today
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Feeling all the traits today
Short Version:
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Sucky week fueled sucky reactions to sucky situations just suckity suck suck suck.
Detailed Version:
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I've vented about some relationship issues here before. Look up old threads if you are interested in lots of detail. Short version of the backstory is my wife cheated on me a couple years ago. I found out a year ago. Lots of fighting and finger pointing but through it all we both agree we have a relationship worth fighting for, so we have been.
I've given up many unhealthy escapist activities, and have been actively avoiding seeking out new ones. She has given up girls nights out and hanging with old HS friends.
She is still very active in a local community theater. (Read, overly active in my opinion). I got tired of it over the past year. Her not being around very much. I told her that I preferred if she took the next season off, but a minimum I don't want her to work back to back performances. If she did, I would kick her out of the house and she could get a place near the theater if she loves it that much. She got very defensive and tried all manner of trying to convince me I was being controlling and insensitive to her needs.
The new season got posted last month. 5 major productions and a couple of fund raisers (1 or 2 night performances of a 'simplified' production). She discussed it with me and committed to production number 3, and the winter fundraiser. These two overlap, which I wasn't particularly happy about, but as the fundraiser is short I agreed to it.
Last night was the final performance of the current season. She had been with me all week as our daughter had a major surgery on Monday and my grandfather passed away. So, between the 2 events neither of us worked this past week. We were either at the hospital with our daughter or helping with the wake and funeral. Daughter is at home recovering nicely and the funeral was Saturday, so wife went to the final performance and to help with strike (tear down of the set to open up the stage for the next production). There was a cast party after which she did not tell me about this week when we discussed her going. I was feeling slighted that she didn't mention to me she was going to a party. Kind of like I wasn't invited. However she claims that I should know there is always a cast party after strike and she has mentioned it several times over the past year and I need to listen to her.
She gets home from all of that and informs me she has agreed to be stage manager for production 1. No discussion, nothing. No warning. She said it fits my 'rules' about no back to back, so she should have to discuss it with me. But for some reason I still feel pissed about it. If I make a six week commitment to something that took me away from home, I would talk to her about it. If she tried to talk me out of it, I might push back and fight her on it, but I'd at least be running stuff like that past her before I make that commitment to someone else.
So, here I sit, stewing in resentment for what I'm not quite sure, but it's in there and it's real. Depressed that I'm pissed over something that seems like I shouldn't be and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling like I do.
So, in one short 24 hour period I've successfully demonstrated all of the traits:
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. (Not sure if getting mad about such things is normal or just a carry over from prior coping mechanisms. A subconscious way of internalizing pain, the fight in fight or flight).
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. (I seriously would rather leave the marriage that continue this silly dance of "who is more wrong, me or you?" It just seems so pointless. Like I need to lay out demands in order to spend time with my wife. Last year, I tried the, 'I wan't you to spend more time with me'. I got a week vacation, and date night. She was gone just about every other night for a year. She was home more before that. WTF?
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (She is tired of hearing that I want her around more because I don't trust her yet. She want's me to trust her again. But instead of focusing on the trust issue, I keep trying to control her actions. I keep the focus on specific trivial things instead of the complicated messy one that really needs to be fixed.)
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. (I feel needy and insecure. I feel like a better man could shrug this off and still 'feel' good about themselves. )
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. (What's fun?)
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. (I can't imagine making light of this or my actions related to it.)
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. (uhm, yeah, everything about this.)
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. (A big part of this is my wife detaching from being a Mom for the past 19yrs as the kids grow up and working on being her own person. In that journey I feel like there is no room for me. Or I'm a guard dog to be kept in the basement during parties and only brought out when needed.)
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. ( I have an almost overwhelming need for her to validate my feelings, which she won't or can't or shouldn't do(see trait 1).)
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. (Haven't seen a story quite like mine).
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. (Trying to state my boundaries seems responsible, but taken to extremes is controlling and is irresponsible. Which am I being?)
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. (She cheated on me. Shouldn't she be focused on repairing the relationship. If it isn't that important to her, should it be to me?)
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. (I'm trying to avoid doing something rash here. I just feel like something has to give. I can't go on feeling like this.)
Oh my, someone does need to focus on their own recovery now. Don't I.
-------------------
Sucky week fueled sucky reactions to sucky situations just suckity suck suck suck.
Detailed Version:
----------------------
I've vented about some relationship issues here before. Look up old threads if you are interested in lots of detail. Short version of the backstory is my wife cheated on me a couple years ago. I found out a year ago. Lots of fighting and finger pointing but through it all we both agree we have a relationship worth fighting for, so we have been.
I've given up many unhealthy escapist activities, and have been actively avoiding seeking out new ones. She has given up girls nights out and hanging with old HS friends.
She is still very active in a local community theater. (Read, overly active in my opinion). I got tired of it over the past year. Her not being around very much. I told her that I preferred if she took the next season off, but a minimum I don't want her to work back to back performances. If she did, I would kick her out of the house and she could get a place near the theater if she loves it that much. She got very defensive and tried all manner of trying to convince me I was being controlling and insensitive to her needs.
The new season got posted last month. 5 major productions and a couple of fund raisers (1 or 2 night performances of a 'simplified' production). She discussed it with me and committed to production number 3, and the winter fundraiser. These two overlap, which I wasn't particularly happy about, but as the fundraiser is short I agreed to it.
Last night was the final performance of the current season. She had been with me all week as our daughter had a major surgery on Monday and my grandfather passed away. So, between the 2 events neither of us worked this past week. We were either at the hospital with our daughter or helping with the wake and funeral. Daughter is at home recovering nicely and the funeral was Saturday, so wife went to the final performance and to help with strike (tear down of the set to open up the stage for the next production). There was a cast party after which she did not tell me about this week when we discussed her going. I was feeling slighted that she didn't mention to me she was going to a party. Kind of like I wasn't invited. However she claims that I should know there is always a cast party after strike and she has mentioned it several times over the past year and I need to listen to her.
She gets home from all of that and informs me she has agreed to be stage manager for production 1. No discussion, nothing. No warning. She said it fits my 'rules' about no back to back, so she should have to discuss it with me. But for some reason I still feel pissed about it. If I make a six week commitment to something that took me away from home, I would talk to her about it. If she tried to talk me out of it, I might push back and fight her on it, but I'd at least be running stuff like that past her before I make that commitment to someone else.
So, here I sit, stewing in resentment for what I'm not quite sure, but it's in there and it's real. Depressed that I'm pissed over something that seems like I shouldn't be and wondering if I'm wrong for feeling like I do.
So, in one short 24 hour period I've successfully demonstrated all of the traits:
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. (Not sure if getting mad about such things is normal or just a carry over from prior coping mechanisms. A subconscious way of internalizing pain, the fight in fight or flight).
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. (I seriously would rather leave the marriage that continue this silly dance of "who is more wrong, me or you?" It just seems so pointless. Like I need to lay out demands in order to spend time with my wife. Last year, I tried the, 'I wan't you to spend more time with me'. I got a week vacation, and date night. She was gone just about every other night for a year. She was home more before that. WTF?
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (She is tired of hearing that I want her around more because I don't trust her yet. She want's me to trust her again. But instead of focusing on the trust issue, I keep trying to control her actions. I keep the focus on specific trivial things instead of the complicated messy one that really needs to be fixed.)
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. (I feel needy and insecure. I feel like a better man could shrug this off and still 'feel' good about themselves. )
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. (What's fun?)
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. (I can't imagine making light of this or my actions related to it.)
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. (uhm, yeah, everything about this.)
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. (A big part of this is my wife detaching from being a Mom for the past 19yrs as the kids grow up and working on being her own person. In that journey I feel like there is no room for me. Or I'm a guard dog to be kept in the basement during parties and only brought out when needed.)
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. ( I have an almost overwhelming need for her to validate my feelings, which she won't or can't or shouldn't do(see trait 1).)
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people. (Haven't seen a story quite like mine).
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible. (Trying to state my boundaries seems responsible, but taken to extremes is controlling and is irresponsible. Which am I being?)
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved. (She cheated on me. Shouldn't she be focused on repairing the relationship. If it isn't that important to her, should it be to me?)
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. (I'm trying to avoid doing something rash here. I just feel like something has to give. I can't go on feeling like this.)
Oh my, someone does need to focus on their own recovery now. Don't I.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Awesome 10th step (if you recover within 12 step framework).
As an ACOA I have a lot of abandonment/neglect triggers (even WITH two parents who stayed together and stayed in the home, who knew) and your situation would have tripped a good bunch of them. It is hard to know what to do because encountering so many triggers can indeed lead me to levels of controlling, fear-driven behavior that are unacceptable in any sane relationship.
It's not my fault I have the triggers. Nor is it my spouse's fault. They are mine to deal with.
As an ACOA I have a lot of abandonment/neglect triggers (even WITH two parents who stayed together and stayed in the home, who knew) and your situation would have tripped a good bunch of them. It is hard to know what to do because encountering so many triggers can indeed lead me to levels of controlling, fear-driven behavior that are unacceptable in any sane relationship.
It's not my fault I have the triggers. Nor is it my spouse's fault. They are mine to deal with.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Thanks Reedling. I do appreciate that I'm recognizing what I'm feeling now. That's a big improvement from just a year ago. I think I'm stuck in the "Don't Trust" mode from the "Don't trust, Don't tell, Don't feel" days. I'll have to add that to my powerless list. I'm defeating the "Don't Feel" part well, and making headway on "Don't tell". Trust is going to be a tough one.
My therapist has been dropping hints that I should try anti-depressants. I think I'll try to hold out a few more months. But if I can't shake this persistent nagging doubt, I'll need to try something new. I don't want to do anything stupid or rash relationship wise, but feeling these feelings and allowing them to surface for the first time in many, many years, I fear I'll let them get the best of me.
My therapist has been dropping hints that I should try anti-depressants. I think I'll try to hold out a few more months. But if I can't shake this persistent nagging doubt, I'll need to try something new. I don't want to do anything stupid or rash relationship wise, but feeling these feelings and allowing them to surface for the first time in many, many years, I fear I'll let them get the best of me.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
Thanks for the post...it got a bit hard for me to read it all...like said great 10th step.
Control, honesty, affirmation, trust...core issues
You are doing very well and I appreciate reading that you are living in the solution. So many people, like myself, at times get bogged down in the problems. Ask for advice to get attention and do nothing about with it. Soon all of that drama returns that I desperately came to Alanon to get out of....
Best to you...will try to read more of this and some other of your posts...
Control, honesty, affirmation, trust...core issues
You are doing very well and I appreciate reading that you are living in the solution. So many people, like myself, at times get bogged down in the problems. Ask for advice to get attention and do nothing about with it. Soon all of that drama returns that I desperately came to Alanon to get out of....
Best to you...will try to read more of this and some other of your posts...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Kialua 
Do you still have kids at home?
Can you join in this community theater in some capacity? or is it too much with working, if you work full time?
Can you join in this community theater in some capacity? or is it too much with working, if you work full time?
Theater has a 'show must go one' mentality that I can't see fitting into. I work 50 to 60 hours per week and volunteer at our church. Plus my weekly ACA meetings. We have a very active family with many birthday parties, graduation partys and whatever silly excuse for a BBQ. I enjoy going to those with the kids. My wife misses most of them due to her Theater obligations. I'd put the family parties first.
I've done some work on the marketing team, but they meet on the same day as my ACA home group. I've tried another group, but I don't like the dynamics in that group as much.
I'm doing what I can to get to know a few people. But it's hard with the conflict in our relationship right now.
She doesn't think it's a problem for her to go have lunch or dinner with one of her theater 'guy' friends. I think that's inappropriate. I told her I wouldn't mind if they were meeting as a group, or if we met as couples. But her at a bar or restaurant alone with another man is not cool. Period. If she needs to cultivate more 'close friendships' thy should be with other women. Guys don't make good best friends for a woman and it bugs me that she disagrees.
She thinks I'm over reacting and I think she has poor boundaries. It's a big central conflict in most of our fights right now. I let her do it before the cheating incident. Now that I have that pain and insecurity added to my pile I'm just not willing to risk it again. I know I shouldn't make a big deal out of it if she doesn't actually cheat. But I'm just not strong enough to deal with that trigger. I personally wouldn't have a meal alone with another woman (except my mother). Even if the intent is not romantic, it introduces a vulnerability that is easily avoided.
Since the cheating incident she has had a couple such meetings and I've blown up when I've found out about it. Each time it was a different guy and she claimed that she didn't think I had a problem with that guy. I found out about them by spying on her cell phone activity. Which is another point of contention. I'd probably feel better if I stopped that. I just find it difficult as she does things without telling me. She claims that she didn't think I'd be mad about it. She isn't deleting anything (after the cheating I told her she was out of the house if I found out she deleted any texts of FB messages). So, she has this unique way of following the letter of the law but still pushing past any boundary I haven't made explicitly clear. So after the more recent meetings I've told her not to set up any such meetings and if I find out she did I'll leave her. She says it's unreasonable so we have agreed to disagree. I'll bring it up in MC this week and see which way our therapist leans. I plan to leave her and start anti-depressants if it happens again. We need to be separated for 1 yr in our state to divorce anyway. That would be enough time for me to figure out which way is up.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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It hurts to read she is pushing the boundaries...really breaking them and setting her own...
Your plan to leave...you are right making the decision instead of it being made for you...
Why one year? Are papers filed during the year?
My first step of acceptance was initial meeting with lawyer...coulda woulda shoulda didn't follow through and she went ahead with hers
Reminds me of my AexW...soon she just openly flaunted her interactions with other men...expecting me to be OK with it since she wasn't haven't sex with them...still faithfullness is much more than intercourse...
We ended up divorcing and I was the one who melted down in depression and relapse...doesn't matter but she started using again after the divorce
I've made my amends and gotten over the resentments towards her and the other men...
Sure some days I am angry, self-pity...just means I'm not living in the present...
Your plan to leave...you are right making the decision instead of it being made for you...
Why one year? Are papers filed during the year?
My first step of acceptance was initial meeting with lawyer...coulda woulda shoulda didn't follow through and she went ahead with hers
Reminds me of my AexW...soon she just openly flaunted her interactions with other men...expecting me to be OK with it since she wasn't haven't sex with them...still faithfullness is much more than intercourse...
We ended up divorcing and I was the one who melted down in depression and relapse...doesn't matter but she started using again after the divorce
I've made my amends and gotten over the resentments towards her and the other men...
Sure some days I am angry, self-pity...just means I'm not living in the present...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Well she doesn't want to play fair for whatever reason. I was involved in theater and did two shows a years, they were life consuming and I was just in the crew. This was before I had kids. Missing that much time with kids doesn't set well with me.
If you do leave you have to think of the kids first. If it's bad enough for you to leave then they have to go too. If you can't get custody then stay till they are grown. Sorry just my opinion, take it or leave it. I see too many people only caring about themselves and their emotional health, and not thinking of the kids and what they need. If you can emotionally disconnect from her, then maybe you could take care of the kids needs for another 4 years. Think of it as you have 4 years to go till you get parole... that's what one of my friends did. In any case you are in my prayers.
If you do leave you have to think of the kids first. If it's bad enough for you to leave then they have to go too. If you can't get custody then stay till they are grown. Sorry just my opinion, take it or leave it. I see too many people only caring about themselves and their emotional health, and not thinking of the kids and what they need. If you can emotionally disconnect from her, then maybe you could take care of the kids needs for another 4 years. Think of it as you have 4 years to go till you get parole... that's what one of my friends did. In any case you are in my prayers.
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Originally Posted by wiscsober
Why one year? Are papers filed during the year?
Kialua, you raise a good point. I doubt I could win custody. In our state the mother would have to be a crack ***** who sells their kids out to Johns to lose custody. Best I could hope for is joint, which still typically means the kids live with the Mother and I'd get them every other weekend, holiday and a month in the summer. They 19 year old can choose what to do under the law, the 16 yo turns 17 in a few days, can drive and is hardly home himself. I don't worry about him. The 14 year old I would worry about. So, I plan to try and hang tough for as long as I can.
Sad part is, she thinks just because I stop arguing with her, she has won the battle and got her way.
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Had marriage counseling last night. Our therapist always asks how things are going 1st. Wife said, "pretty good." Therapist could tell by my look of shock I disagreed.
I went through the events of the week. And shared that I think the core problem is we have different values when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. After probing both of us, she confirmed my insight. Which was both rewarding and worrisome.
She called it a 'forever problem'. She says most marriages have them. It existed in our marriage before the affair. But the affair broke the balance that existed. I kept my jealousy in check and gave her more freedom. With young kids she really couldn't do much with those freedoms that pushed me further than I was comfortable. Now that the kids are older, she is able to push the old norms further, and I'm not as 'at peace' with it as I was prior to the affair.
We ran out of time at that point. But it's clear the difficult part is going to be getting to a place where we are both comfortable. She feels my values and boundaries are stifling and cold. I think hers are naïve and vulnerable. She said she made a mistake and now she feels she needs to pay for it for the rest of her life by changing who she is. I told her I think the same thing, other than I wouldn't call it 'pay for it'. I call it preventing it from happening again.
I'm glad she is being honest about her feelings going through the process. I hope we come discover some compromise that works for both of us. I can't go back to the old way. I can't live with the anxiety of it and my only hope for not having that is to emotionally detach from my wife. I never envisioned a marriage where I stopped caring about my wife. The choices don't seem very appealing:
1.) Leave her
2.) Live with the anxiety and 'hope' she never cheats again.
3.) Emotionally detach and live as roommates.
Obviously I leave her if she cheats again. Does anyone see another choice? Something in my control. I know there is an option where she conforms more to my norms of not being so affectionate and friendly with other men. But she doesn't seem willing to do that, or if she does, she will be unhappy and feel controlled. Besides, I can't make her choose that. I can only control myself. So, I'm looking for another choice that's in my power.
I went through the events of the week. And shared that I think the core problem is we have different values when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. After probing both of us, she confirmed my insight. Which was both rewarding and worrisome.
She called it a 'forever problem'. She says most marriages have them. It existed in our marriage before the affair. But the affair broke the balance that existed. I kept my jealousy in check and gave her more freedom. With young kids she really couldn't do much with those freedoms that pushed me further than I was comfortable. Now that the kids are older, she is able to push the old norms further, and I'm not as 'at peace' with it as I was prior to the affair.
We ran out of time at that point. But it's clear the difficult part is going to be getting to a place where we are both comfortable. She feels my values and boundaries are stifling and cold. I think hers are naïve and vulnerable. She said she made a mistake and now she feels she needs to pay for it for the rest of her life by changing who she is. I told her I think the same thing, other than I wouldn't call it 'pay for it'. I call it preventing it from happening again.
I'm glad she is being honest about her feelings going through the process. I hope we come discover some compromise that works for both of us. I can't go back to the old way. I can't live with the anxiety of it and my only hope for not having that is to emotionally detach from my wife. I never envisioned a marriage where I stopped caring about my wife. The choices don't seem very appealing:
1.) Leave her
2.) Live with the anxiety and 'hope' she never cheats again.
3.) Emotionally detach and live as roommates.
Obviously I leave her if she cheats again. Does anyone see another choice? Something in my control. I know there is an option where she conforms more to my norms of not being so affectionate and friendly with other men. But she doesn't seem willing to do that, or if she does, she will be unhappy and feel controlled. Besides, I can't make her choose that. I can only control myself. So, I'm looking for another choice that's in my power.
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Sounds like this a pretty big wall on both sides. I do understand the difficulty of trusting now. But in any case, put the kids first and let her decide whatever she does. In our state kids can go to court and choose which parent they want to live with when they are 13. It's not a well known law but it actually happens.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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It takes a lot of recovery, but detaching with love has worked for me.
http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/S19.pdf
http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/S19.pdf
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Reedling
It takes a lot of recovery, but detaching with love has worked for me.
http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/S19.pdf
http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/S19.pdf
This case is a little different in that she gets great joy out of seeing old friends. She is very huggie and likes to kiss everyone. She has friends of both sexes she pecks on the lips when she sees them. I am the one who experiences the discomfort. If I just let it go she would be very happy, however I would be suppressing my displeasure at he kissing another man. It may well be platonic, but its not the way I was raised and it pisses me off. I am much more conservative.
So detaching in this case would mean I would have to not care what she is doing an to whom she is doing it. Sure, I could act that way and internalize that anger so she doesn't see it ( I am good at it). But the only one hurting would be me.
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Originally Posted by Kialua
Sounds like this a pretty big wall on both sides. I do understand the difficulty of trusting now. But in any case, put the kids first and let her decide whatever she does. In our state kids can go to court and choose which parent they want to live with when they are 13. It's not a well known law but it actually happens.
I am more interested in working things out. But I think she needs to see that I am ready to move on without her in order to really understand. I get the impression she feels if she can just bide her time for a while everything will blow over an be like it was before. Let me tell you, that ain't happening.
A few months ago while we were out for dinner she even suggested I might be happier if I started gaming again. Argh, that is like offering a recovering alcoholic a drink.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
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Yep, Mr. ...a great share... I think it is the conversations we have as ACA's that get us along to the next point in our lives...
... I think the trust and companionship we build up together is priceless...
David.
... I think the trust and companionship we build up together is priceless...
David.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
How much is she home if she is in so many productions? How can she take care of the kids if she gone so much. Who will take care of them if you do leave? That would really rock their boat. Right now you are their rock. Don't throw that rock into the bottom of the ocean. 4 years go by fast. Good luck
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Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Kialua
How much is she home if she is in so many productions? How can she take care of the kids if she gone so much. Who will take care of them if you do leave? That would really rock their boat. Right now you are their rock. Don't throw that rock into the bottom of the ocean. 4 years go by fast. Good luck
This past year, she worked all 4 out of 5 productions, the year prior all 5. They run 4 or 5 weeks depending, and the rehearsals for the next overlap with the run of the current. So yes, in fits and spurts she has been gone every night for multiple weeks in a row.
I warned her last year if she worked back to back productions I would find an apartment for her near the theater and she could just move out. I would be done with her. She seems to have taken that to heart. When the directors were announced, she accepted the 3rd production. Now the 1st. That basically means she can only accept 1 more production, the 5th without triggering me to kick her out of the house. The director for the 4th production asked her to stage manage, but she declined. I know she would have liked to work with that director. She kept mentioning it over, and over, and over. I'm not sure if she was trying to wear me down so that I'd say go ahead, or if she was just trying to make a point that she said no.
I'd like to see what life would be like with her around more. The way I've gone about that is too controlling. I need to stop doing that. I suspect that when I do, she will pour herself back into the theater and be gone most nights again. Hence the frustration on my end.
She works 4 days per week in the morning. So, she is home every afternoon and Friday morning. Of course that's when I work. So, the kids see her more than I do. But you make a good point.
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Yeah, that just shows how much more they need you for the next four years. I'd start emotionally detaching and let her do what she does, and take care of the kids.
If you legally divorced and another man comes into your kids life, who knows what will happen. Anything from them loving him more than you to him molesting them. This the reality we live with in our society.
Take care of your kids. Four years goes by fast.
If you legally divorced and another man comes into your kids life, who knows what will happen. Anything from them loving him more than you to him molesting them. This the reality we live with in our society.
Take care of your kids. Four years goes by fast.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Been a while since I've posted. 2014 was a difficult year. I've made great progress in my recovery. Unfortunetly as I pulled my head out of my own denial, I found evidency my wife was continuing to be unfaithful. She had multiple physical affairs. One that took place at the theater and continued throughout our marital counselling.
I enforced my boundary and filed for divorce. Which has been both painful and complicated. We managed to negotiate joint custody with me being the residential parent. We are still haggling on the final division of the marital assets and issues of alimony (both amount and duration). Our court date is coming up in 22 days, and it should be finalized by then.
I feel bad for her, but she created the problem, so it's not for me to solve. In addition to lying to me, she lies to her therapists. So, there is no way for anyone to help her. Staying with her is a threat to my recovery, so I'm at peace with my choice to finalize the divorce.
I enforced my boundary and filed for divorce. Which has been both painful and complicated. We managed to negotiate joint custody with me being the residential parent. We are still haggling on the final division of the marital assets and issues of alimony (both amount and duration). Our court date is coming up in 22 days, and it should be finalized by then.
I feel bad for her, but she created the problem, so it's not for me to solve. In addition to lying to me, she lies to her therapists. So, there is no way for anyone to help her. Staying with her is a threat to my recovery, so I'm at peace with my choice to finalize the divorce.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
That's great that you are the residential parent! You mentioned you didn't think that would happen. They need their rock.
Yes it is her problem to solve, let her do what she will, and you be the parent you are. By the way it's now 3 years and that goes by faster than 4. Prepare the children to leave home at 18, college, jobs, whatever, and be successful.
I went back to theater when my youngest was just a baby and put in about 2 months. Was offered the head of the department but decided against it just didn't work for me anymore. Haven't been back to it since. Most of the cast had their family members there working with them because it was a large cast with all ages, including children. But my husband was never interested in theater so it didn't work out for me. It's not really a major focus for me either. It can be an all consuming life style that doesn't really let you focus on anything else in life like your home.
Yes it is her problem to solve, let her do what she will, and you be the parent you are. By the way it's now 3 years and that goes by faster than 4. Prepare the children to leave home at 18, college, jobs, whatever, and be successful.
I went back to theater when my youngest was just a baby and put in about 2 months. Was offered the head of the department but decided against it just didn't work for me anymore. Haven't been back to it since. Most of the cast had their family members there working with them because it was a large cast with all ages, including children. But my husband was never interested in theater so it didn't work out for me. It's not really a major focus for me either. It can be an all consuming life style that doesn't really let you focus on anything else in life like your home.
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