Advice on navigating a relationship with a recovering A

Old 06-10-2013, 01:04 PM
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Advice on navigating a relationship with a recovering A

Hello All,

I have been seeing a man who has recently made the decision to become sober after struggling with alcohol for 10 years. Initially, I asked him if he needed space from me to sort out his life, and he told me that he still wanted me to stick around. He has also told me that he is doing his best to keep things moving forward between us, but that he is under a lot of stress regarding his therapy and rehab, so he often feels numb. I fully expect him to have worse days than others, and I understand his feelings of stress and possibly even depression. However, ever since he has made his decision to become sober, he has been very distant with me. I still see him 1-2 times per week, and like he mentioned, he is still trying to move things forward between us, but his distance has been quite hard on me, as I do not hear from him nearly as often anymore, and when I do, he often seems so cold. I am hoping that someone can offer me some sound advice on how to navigate this situation so that I can offer support to the man I really care about, but also keep myself sane in the meantime. Is it normal for a recovering A to become distant with his loved ones for a while, and what else do you think I can expect regarding his recovery? I am glad that he says he would like me to stick around, but his mixed signals are very hard on me. What is the best way to navigate this situation?
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Old 06-10-2013, 04:09 PM
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Dear Morosko, I just gave a book to a friend who is attempting --for first time, to become sober. Today, I was told that he appreciated the book very much--funny and easy to read. It is called "Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down" I ordered it for him off of Amazon.com as a present--I didn't actually read it. It covers basics on what the alcoholic feels in the early weeks/months. His girlfriend took it and began reading it, also.

There is a website that has articles on what the spouse or partner feels (as well a alcoholic) in early recovery. It is:peggyferguson.marriage-family.com. It is a big site. Look for the articles on "The Addicted Family" on the left-hand side of the home page.

perhaps these will help.

dandylion
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:58 PM
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Hi,
I'm in a relationship with a 5 month sober boyfriend.
The beginning is very hard & it is important to take a step back from the relationship rather than try to move things forward.
It is very important that he put his sobriety first & focus on that.
It is also very important that you focus on yourself so that you can be fit, happy & healthy.
My advice, just be there for him for support in the early days. If he needs to talk let him talk, if he needs a hug give him a hug but don't try to push the relationship.
My boyfriend felt numb in the beginning too & was depressed,anxious & a whole heap of other things. He now feels great & is getting better day by day.
If you are patient & it is meant to be then the relationship can develop over time. There is no rush is there?
Just work & focus one day at a time.
Hope this helps.
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:27 PM
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he is in the battle of his life. imagine being in the midst of battle...be it dragons, or a herd of alligators...you are armed with a squirt gun and feather duster....and the cellphone rings. I do not mean to trivialize your side of things, but i'm not sure you quite understand what HE is up against.

you say you've only been seeing each other for a short while...but he's been battling this demon for a LONG time. and he's gonna need a LONG time to recover. not a week, not a month.....a LONG time.
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:34 PM
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Maybe you could go to Alanon meetings for yourself?

How long have you been seeing him?
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Old 06-10-2013, 07:24 PM
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Thanks for the advice, everybody. Dandylion, I have already looked into the book.

We have been seeing each other for about 3 months (so still quite new). Things had just been progressing remarkably well up until this point, which is what makes me want to tough it out with him. I honestly just have absolutely no clue what he is going through, and can tell that he is not quite to the point where he is very receptive to discussing it very much yet. So I definitely don't want to push anything. I just want to know the best way to be there for him, and it sounds like that would be patience and not stressing him out about it.
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Old 06-10-2013, 08:28 PM
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I have been seeing a man who has recently made the decision to become sober after struggling with alcohol for 10 years.
10 years is a long time to be "struggling" with alcohol.

If he has been distant and keeping you at arm's length,
why are you still interested?

What is the best way to navigate this situation?
Imagine yourself in a tugboat with a tsunami coming,
you have 3 months warning,
waves are lapping stronger now....
(cold, detached, numb, anger, pain, sorrow, rehab, recovery,
selfish program)
The tsunami is coming and its name is RecoveringAlcoholic.

Please get to higher, way higher ground before you get sucked in.
to me, it sounds like the worse it gets (closer) the more rationalizations
you have to stay.
It's like staring at the cobra, it will strike you eventually.

I do like what anvilhead said about the dragon and the feather duster.
Unless you have been where he is, and I am guessing you have not,
then you have no idea in this world what he has to do.
You are a distraction from what he has to do in my opinion, my opinion only!

Beth

Things had just been progressing remarkably well up until this point, which is what makes me want to tough it out with him.
When did all the detachment and pulling away come from? In the first 3 months?
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:45 AM
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You,ve only been seeing him for 3 months.

Why invest anymore time in this?
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Old 06-11-2013, 10:57 AM
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Thank you, everyone. I really don't mean to come off as naive or selfish in this situation. As I'm sure you are aware, I just don't know a ton about the disease, which is why I'm here. I am currently reading the book that dandylion suggested, as well as speaking with a personal therapist about this. I just want to handle this correctly, if for no other reason than being a compassionate person to someone that I care about, all expectations aside.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:16 AM
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You can be compassionate....and take care of yourself at the same time.

You are important too.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:39 AM
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curious mrosko....if he, instead of saying he wanted to get sober, had said instead he wanted to take flying lessons and get his pilot's license, would you have searched the internet and then joined a forum on flight or aerodynamics? ordered a book on it? talk with your therapist about it? all for someone you've been dating for <90 days???

it's not about caring...we get that....it's about the lengths you are willing to go to for someone you don't know very well, and who recently decided to start the quest to sobriety.
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Old 06-11-2013, 11:53 AM
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As a co-dependent person I have no boundaries when it comes to investing in a relationship too quickly.

Because I don,t value my wants and needs,myself as important I will over invest too quickly and give my all and get minimal in return.

3 Months isn,t a long time to know someone. Be aware of how much your are investing of yourself and your energy.
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Old 06-11-2013, 12:27 PM
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Well I can clearly identify with being codependent. Sounds like I should rethink my topic of discussion with my therapist...
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:03 PM
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I am sure you are a great person mrosko.
I identify with you, not only as another codependent (if, indeed, that is what you are) and as the person who wanted to stay with an alcoholic.
I am also in recovery for alcoholism, so I thought I knew what I was in for.
I had no idea. None.
Without my numbing agent, I was exquisitely aware of how little I meant to my husband, or more correctly how much more important the drugs were to him.

Please do see a therapist, I think we all need a little outside opinion once in a while.
Keep yourself aware of the waves and swells.

I just thought of that line from "Jaws" when Roy Schneider saw the shark for the first time.
"I think we're gonna need a bigger boat."
You need a whaler for this job, just to stay afloat.
Right now the water is too choppy, weather says stay ashore.


Beth
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