transformyself

My dad is still being a total *******. I didn't speak to him for over 4 years due to his verbal abuse. I have PTSD from my childhood, my mother was physically abusive, he was the verbal abuser and a raging *******. For me, being around my Dad makes me so crazy I can't do it. It triggers my PTSD and I can't parent, or function really.

He straightened up somewhat for awhile, I was suppose to leave the day after fathers day to go to his house out of state with the kids for a weeks long vacation, but he started texting my alcoholic soon to be ex husband and slamming me, then telling AH not to tell me what he was saying. I have been up all night, violently ill. There is no way I'm going to his house and waiting to be sucker punched again.

I'm not going. **** him. I'll take the kids on vacation somewhere else. Now i"m just wondering what to tell the kids. My biggest fear is that they will blame me (my trigger) and say I'm just fighting with Papa and now they can't go.

I guess it doesn't matter what they think, what matters is that they're not going to be exposed to his abuse. He told my youngest son he looked like "a crack head" last time we saw him, because my sons hair was messy.

Yeah, **** that guy. He has lost the privilege of seeing his grandsons or me.

I'm trying to get this trigger down. Does anyone else have PTSD from their childhood and massive anxiety?

And yes, my father is a raging, life long alcoholic.

thanks for listening.

lovejava

Before my mother died, she had relapsed for the last couple of years and her behavior was awful, toward me, my kids, everyone. I basically just told the kids that we needed to not talk to grandma because she wasn't well. Then we didn't. It was really not that big a deal to be honest.

Florence

We had a change of plans and can't go see Grandpa next week. Instead we're going to XXXXXXX and we get to do this, and this, and this.

It's all about presentation. They don't need to know all the details at this time.

Good on you for making the call instead of submitting yourself to the chaos and being miserable through the whole vacation.

transformyself

Thanks Florence for the suggested wording.
My 15 year old is nosier than i am, which is remarkable. he will want to know what's going on. Suggestions? Just maintain, "change of plans?" He can call his grandfather himself and god knows that that man will tell him

wicked

I think I would have to say,
"I had hopes your grandfather would be making an appearance for this visit.
He is not, it seems my abusive father has come back to make trouble. For my emotional health and yours we must go somewhere else for vacation."

If the 15 year old wants more details, tell him what you survived is yours to share or not, and sharing it makes you ill. He does not need any details to get the idea.
He has no idea what happened to you as a child?

I hope you are doing okay, I know how this is such a tough road for you.
It sucks mightily.
My father is dead. so, this is the best I have for you.
I am sorry though. Very sorry for this change of events.

Beth

dandylion

transformmyself, I would tell them that PaPa is sick right now and it is not a good time to be around him. Thus, we have decided that it would be better for him and us to do something else.

I think you can be more direct with the 15yr.old about the exact reason. The youngers would probably be satisfied with the m ore general statement--especially if they were going somewhere else that is really fun.

I am going by what I would do. That is just a suggestion....

dandylion

wicked

Yes, I agree, that guy does not get to see his grandsons. Nope.
The only thing that ever worked for me was a little yellow pill, then I could breathe in and out again.
When I am that anxious, I am breathing very shallowly, like I am on alert.
Can you meditate? I have been practicing, but still get distracted easily.
I wish I could help you transform.

Beth

transformyself

These are wonderful. Thank you so much. Much love to you Wicked Love love love xxoxox

transformyself

And Yes I'm looking for some little yellow pills myself, lol.

StarCat

(((Transformie)))

You are making a sound and strong decision, and I applaud you for that.
I don't really have anything to add - I think others' comments have hit the nail on the head so to speak.

Children figure things out - sometimes right away and sometimes it takes awhile, but children are smarter than we give them credit for. And you don't really know - maybe they didn't really want to go anyway?
I remember you posting about your father's comment to your youngest, and I remember him being upset by this. Maybe he's already figured out that this man is not someone he wants to be around?

transformyself

oh thank the heavens for you folks. I'm feeling guilty! WTF! It makes me mad that I"m having this reaction, but I'm letting it go and focusing on making things better.

yes, this is the right decision. the kids dad (also an A, what a surprise) is all freaked out, says, "they're going to be devastated."

Well guess what? I spent my entire childhood with my dad and I was devastated by the way he treated me. I've already started charting out our new vacation and they will be less devastated by a change in plans and not getting to do things with Papa than they will if/when he says inappropriate, demeaning, derogatory and just plain old mean **** to them!

right now i"m just trying to sort out what to say to my dad. I will email him. I was going to take pictures of the text he sent my soon to be ex, and mail them to him, but that's way more work than I'm willing to do.

Hopefully this will motivate him to not be such a dick, but I'm not counting on it. In the meantime, I will protect my children.

thanks to all xxoxox

transformyself

And Beth you have helped me Thank you for reminding me to breathe.

Thumper

You are doing the right thing.

As teenagers I think you can straight up tell them...My father has been very abusive (ad details at your comfort level). He is being very abusive right now and I will not expose myself or you to that level of abuse.

They know. If they can see the manifestation of your PTSD you can even explain that to them a little bit. I am experiencing xyz because of that abuse and my entire body is telling me to take care of you and me and that means staying away from him right now. When I have had the where with all to explain my own reactions to one of my kids it has been extremely beneficial to him and he isn't quite a teen yet even.

Teenagers look for reasons to be mad at their parents but that is OK. Let him be mad and know that you are doing the right thing. You are teaching him, showing him, that you/he has the power to care for and protect himself so that some day he will not be 35yo and standing in your PTSD shoes. You are a good mom and a strong woman.

I full believe that we are strongest when we feel the weakest. It takes real strength to face things when we feel weak or afraid. I use that thought as a source of energy to get me through the hard stuff sometimes.

transformyself

question: is it ok to send an email to my dad that just says

Dad: I have cancelled our vacation due to your texts to AH the other night.

I mean, I am inclined in some way to add more. but the only thing that comes out is whiny stuff about how he treated me my whole life. And venom.

I"m getting very excited about spending a week with my family on vacation and NOT going there, though. And the bout of hives I had is gone. I think just thinking about spending a week with him was incredibly stresssful.

Anyone want to put words in my mouth? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

transformyself

I was thinking of adding

I am not willing to discuss this right now either.
or something like that. I really really don't want to talk to him

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Tramsformy. I'd be inclined to just leave the e-mail at:

I have cancelled our vacation and I'm not willing to discuss this right now.

FeelingGreat

Hi Transformy, I think your text sounds fine. It gives the reason, doesn't slip into blame, just leaves no doubt that he has crossed a boundary. I agree that discussing anything would be stressful and fruitless at this point, but I don't think you need to say it, just act it.

transformyself

So I"m having all kinds of anxiety now about sending this email to my dad. I'm trying to just let it go, and know that it's not my problem how he reacts, but just the thought of seeing an email from him in my inbox freaks me out.

this is PTSD, I know it is, and the only way to treat it is to get and keep the anxiety down. That ******. That ******* *******. He's got me feeling sorry for him, wondering what his reaction will be. He's like a ****** anyway, the whole thing was him insisting I hadn't given him the dates for when we would be there- but I had texted, emailed and told him in person.

then he messaged my AH to say, "Transform likes to tell me last what her plans are, but don't tell her that."

You ******* *******. I DID effing tell you what my plans were. Blaming and shaming are his trademarks, and my trigger.

fourmaggie

*yelling out the door to "whomever" (will listen)*

I am 44 years old! gosh damnit! i choose things for my life that are right for me!

(i can here my mom (*snickers*), and thinking...holy crap! you're 44!?)

LMAO

wicked

Do not let his cowardly dickheadedness get you down transform.
This is your trigger, but what happens when the trigger is pulled?
the bullet is expelled and the tension is gone (inside you)

tell him to eff off, loud and clear, and go no contact until you can talk like the Queen of England to him.

Sir, "we" were not amused at your last appearance in court. Kindly see to it that it is never repeated or it is OFF with your head."

Then hold up your hand, and say, you were not given permission to speak to the Queen. Then chop off his head, uh metaphorically of course.

Beth

Court guard. (and part time jester)