grateful... and kinda sad, too
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
grateful... and kinda sad, too
hey all...
so, yesterday was day 14 for me. the whole family was supposed to be camping all weekend, but we got a raincheck due to the storms... so instead, we spent our time doing fun stuff locally. (had a great time actually being present with the husband and kids!)
anyway, i've been working with a local community theatre company for a few years, and they had a ribbon cutting ceremony yesterday for a new building we got. as i had planned to be camping, i wasn't intending to go. but, i got a reminder email from a board member on saturday, and since the storms kept us close to home, i said i'd pop by.
i love this company, and (as i have my name in for elections to the board in september) i felt it was important to go. also, even though it would be my first time 'out in the world' since getting sober, i knew it was a safe place... a real family-oriented theatre company with not much drinking (i was the drinker of the group!)
in april, i closed their 100th show... i was the director. the show came off beautifully, and was received brilliantly by audiences, cast, crew, strangers and board members. all that is wonderful... but the dark secret is that i was anywhere from slightly buzzed to downright wasted for the entire rehearsal period and production. it clearly didn't affect the show based on responses, which is great... by it certainly affected me.
so, as i drove to the event yesterday, i was nervous. i hadn't seen anybody since my show closed... would this be the day they confronted me with "we knew your were drunk, we don't need you anymore."? would i seem a completely different person from the slightly crazy, outgoing chick they've come to know? a million questions hammered me...
i called on my higher power to guide me and help me through... and i ended up welcomed into the arms of my theatre family with joy!
nobody questioned me, nobody shunned me, everyone is hopeful i win the board election because they would love to have my artistic vision on their side (their words, not mine!)
i am so grateful.
yet, there is a deep sadness as well... for all that i missed and all that i put pn the line while drinking while working with this company that i love. (this clearing head of mine is allowing me to feel this stuff... and while i am thankful to finally feel again and begin the work of healing, this knowledge caused me pain.)
i've risked so much... and that hurts. but i am beyond grateful not only that i didn't burn that bridge beyond repair, but most especially that i'm here today and sober and can get into healing... and now have a chance to do something good with my passion and "talent" that will help others.
i'm working through some of this sadness today, so i may not be happy, joyous and free right this moment... but i do feel hope. hope for myself... hope for all of us, that a better and sober self can emerge and do wonderous things, big or small.
peace be with us all...
so, yesterday was day 14 for me. the whole family was supposed to be camping all weekend, but we got a raincheck due to the storms... so instead, we spent our time doing fun stuff locally. (had a great time actually being present with the husband and kids!)
anyway, i've been working with a local community theatre company for a few years, and they had a ribbon cutting ceremony yesterday for a new building we got. as i had planned to be camping, i wasn't intending to go. but, i got a reminder email from a board member on saturday, and since the storms kept us close to home, i said i'd pop by.
i love this company, and (as i have my name in for elections to the board in september) i felt it was important to go. also, even though it would be my first time 'out in the world' since getting sober, i knew it was a safe place... a real family-oriented theatre company with not much drinking (i was the drinker of the group!)
in april, i closed their 100th show... i was the director. the show came off beautifully, and was received brilliantly by audiences, cast, crew, strangers and board members. all that is wonderful... but the dark secret is that i was anywhere from slightly buzzed to downright wasted for the entire rehearsal period and production. it clearly didn't affect the show based on responses, which is great... by it certainly affected me.
so, as i drove to the event yesterday, i was nervous. i hadn't seen anybody since my show closed... would this be the day they confronted me with "we knew your were drunk, we don't need you anymore."? would i seem a completely different person from the slightly crazy, outgoing chick they've come to know? a million questions hammered me...
i called on my higher power to guide me and help me through... and i ended up welcomed into the arms of my theatre family with joy!
nobody questioned me, nobody shunned me, everyone is hopeful i win the board election because they would love to have my artistic vision on their side (their words, not mine!)
i am so grateful.
yet, there is a deep sadness as well... for all that i missed and all that i put pn the line while drinking while working with this company that i love. (this clearing head of mine is allowing me to feel this stuff... and while i am thankful to finally feel again and begin the work of healing, this knowledge caused me pain.)
i've risked so much... and that hurts. but i am beyond grateful not only that i didn't burn that bridge beyond repair, but most especially that i'm here today and sober and can get into healing... and now have a chance to do something good with my passion and "talent" that will help others.
i'm working through some of this sadness today, so i may not be happy, joyous and free right this moment... but i do feel hope. hope for myself... hope for all of us, that a better and sober self can emerge and do wonderous things, big or small.
peace be with us all...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
the way I look at it EM - whatever I did in the past I can;t undo anyway - and it bought me to where I am today.
It took me a while to get here, but I'm at peace with my life now - I know you'll get there too
D
It took me a while to get here, but I'm at peace with my life now - I know you'll get there too
D
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