Needing a Reality Check
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Needing a Reality Check
I haven't posted much for months. So I'll give those of you who don't recall my story the recap. Left STBXAH in September. We have 3 children together 7,5,1. He has had very little to do with me or our children for the past nine months. He is an A, a Drug user, and according to my therapist has NPD as well. We have no visitation agreement, and he refuses to move forward with any divorce agreement, dragging his heels every chance he gets.
He had requested to see his children for the entire weekend (on thursday afternoon). I said that the children had a playdate scheduled on Saturday, but that I could bring them to him on Sunday. He replied with a "That doesn't work for me"
I was perturbed, but I thought oh well, better for us that he doesn't see them I suppose any ways.
Then this morning at 10:30 he asks what my problem is!!! I didn't respond and he asked why I wasn't bringing the children out!!! I told him that he said today didn't work for him...now apparently he claims I misunderstood and that we are going to deal with visitation in court (which I welcome).
Ugh, Its just so frustrating, now I feel like somehow, I should've jumped up and ran the kids out to see him and cancelled our other plans for the day because now he'd like to see them. Can you tell my codie is showing!?
Just when I think I've made some headway!
Just needing to vent apparently....
He had requested to see his children for the entire weekend (on thursday afternoon). I said that the children had a playdate scheduled on Saturday, but that I could bring them to him on Sunday. He replied with a "That doesn't work for me"
I was perturbed, but I thought oh well, better for us that he doesn't see them I suppose any ways.
Then this morning at 10:30 he asks what my problem is!!! I didn't respond and he asked why I wasn't bringing the children out!!! I told him that he said today didn't work for him...now apparently he claims I misunderstood and that we are going to deal with visitation in court (which I welcome).
Ugh, Its just so frustrating, now I feel like somehow, I should've jumped up and ran the kids out to see him and cancelled our other plans for the day because now he'd like to see them. Can you tell my codie is showing!?
Just when I think I've made some headway!
Just needing to vent apparently....
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Confetti,
I am so glad you are here!
If you are dealing with an drug abusing NPD, then you ARE making headway!
You know exactly what he said, and what the words meant.
The misunderstanding is all his.
Made up or carefully worded to be misunderstood.
You cannot start a divorce proceeding without him?
Get a visitation schedule signed?
He can only avoid the court for so long, especially concerning the children.
Until you get it in writing, on the record, in court, weekends like this one will keep happening.
I will go back and read more of your story.
I bet the last nine months have been really nice with him not bothering you or the kids. It also shows where his interests lie.
NPD equals no negotiation. It will be open to interpretation which means more of what happened this weekend.
'That doesn't work for me', does not mean what it means to the rest of the English speaking world, it means something different to a narcissist.
I will be praying for you Confetti, and for your precious children.
I am not sure it is codie as much as the narcissistic survival reaction.
Yeah,
I just made that up, cause I am not a doctor, but I know a narcissist.
It is scary how I fell for some of the stories,
but I have been primed by a childhood
of alcoholism and mental illness.
I know what you mean. There are others here who have been run over by the 18 wheeler called narcissism on drugs and/or alcohol. It is amazing when you survive.
You have made it out of his house, that is excellent.
Keep doing the next right thing for you and your children.
Beth
I am so glad you are here!
Just when I think I've made some headway!
Just needing to vent apparently....
Just needing to vent apparently....
You know exactly what he said, and what the words meant.
The misunderstanding is all his.
Made up or carefully worded to be misunderstood.
We have no visitation agreement, and he refuses to move forward with any divorce agreement, dragging his heels every chance he gets.
Get a visitation schedule signed?
He can only avoid the court for so long, especially concerning the children.
Until you get it in writing, on the record, in court, weekends like this one will keep happening.
I will go back and read more of your story.
I bet the last nine months have been really nice with him not bothering you or the kids. It also shows where his interests lie.
NPD equals no negotiation. It will be open to interpretation which means more of what happened this weekend.
'That doesn't work for me', does not mean what it means to the rest of the English speaking world, it means something different to a narcissist.
I will be praying for you Confetti, and for your precious children.
I am not sure it is codie as much as the narcissistic survival reaction.
Yeah,
I just made that up, cause I am not a doctor, but I know a narcissist.It is scary how I fell for some of the stories,
but I have been primed by a childhood
of alcoholism and mental illness.
I know what you mean. There are others here who have been run over by the 18 wheeler called narcissism on drugs and/or alcohol. It is amazing when you survive.
You have made it out of his house, that is excellent.
Keep doing the next right thing for you and your children.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Oh Beth, Thanks so much.
I have started the divorce proceedings. I started them back in October. He blows everything off. And my lawyer keeps requesting they move forward, but he stalls it any way he can think of. Soon hopefully, we will just push ahead dragging him the whole way! The visitation schedule gets set with the divorce agreement, unless he petitions the court about it earlier.
The nine months were great. He saw the kids less than two weeks worth of days in total. And was always 6-10 hours away. Now, he has been hanging around for the past 7 weeks, but doesn't ask to see his children much (four days in seven weeks). Unfortunately his parents have arrived home from their winter away and they are pushing to see their grandkids. They feel that I have "embellished" his alcoholism and "completely made up" his drug abuse. They don't find it odd that he has moved in his younger girlfriend into their home!! So, since I no longer have a relationship with them, they are forced to rely on his visitation time to see the children. Which now means that he has to put on this elaborate "good dad" show for them.
Haha...I like the narcissistic survival reaction. That has been my life for the past 13...nearly 14 years! Only I had no idea that was what he was until I left and went to a therapist. I really questioned the therapist and felt that wasn't an accurate assessment of him!! (what was I thinking!? lol) But when my children's therapist also came to that conclusion, I thought perhaps two opinions on the matter make it an accurate assessment!
The head games are what I find so trying. I do my best to ignore most of his jibber jabber.
It's always nice to know that other people deal with this insanity too. I don't feel so alone then.
I have started the divorce proceedings. I started them back in October. He blows everything off. And my lawyer keeps requesting they move forward, but he stalls it any way he can think of. Soon hopefully, we will just push ahead dragging him the whole way! The visitation schedule gets set with the divorce agreement, unless he petitions the court about it earlier.
The nine months were great. He saw the kids less than two weeks worth of days in total. And was always 6-10 hours away. Now, he has been hanging around for the past 7 weeks, but doesn't ask to see his children much (four days in seven weeks). Unfortunately his parents have arrived home from their winter away and they are pushing to see their grandkids. They feel that I have "embellished" his alcoholism and "completely made up" his drug abuse. They don't find it odd that he has moved in his younger girlfriend into their home!! So, since I no longer have a relationship with them, they are forced to rely on his visitation time to see the children. Which now means that he has to put on this elaborate "good dad" show for them.
Haha...I like the narcissistic survival reaction. That has been my life for the past 13...nearly 14 years! Only I had no idea that was what he was until I left and went to a therapist. I really questioned the therapist and felt that wasn't an accurate assessment of him!! (what was I thinking!? lol) But when my children's therapist also came to that conclusion, I thought perhaps two opinions on the matter make it an accurate assessment!
The head games are what I find so trying. I do my best to ignore most of his jibber jabber.
It's always nice to know that other people deal with this insanity too. I don't feel so alone then.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Soon hopefully, we will just push ahead dragging him the whole way! The visitation schedule gets set with the divorce agreement, unless he petitions the court about it earlier.
Which now means that he has to put on this elaborate "good dad" show for them.
Yep, I think with two different therapists finding him narcissistic, it is pretty safe to assume he is. And, just this past weekend, he plays word games, he manipulates and maneuvers all for nothing.
It's always nice to know that other people deal with this insanity too. I don't feel so alone then.
Help me, before I take the boat analogy out to sea!!!
LOL
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Most the time I am pretty strong. It's 7 weeks of insanity that has me worn down a bit...but I'll forge ahead!
It's always nice to get outside thoughts. After years of second guessing myself sometimes it takes someone else's view to make me think that my instincts aren't wrong about him. If only I would've listened to that little voice long ago!
Haha...Beth...Love the boat analogy!
It's always nice to get outside thoughts. After years of second guessing myself sometimes it takes someone else's view to make me think that my instincts aren't wrong about him. If only I would've listened to that little voice long ago!
Haha...Beth...Love the boat analogy!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Confetti,
When you felt that urge to respond by dropping your plans because he wanted to see them (after you "misunderstood" his "doesn't work for me")....that was your codie showing. BUT the codie didn't do it, did she?
Good for you!!!!
That was more than just being strong....I think it was also recognizing that, even if you did give in to his demand, it wouldn't have gotten you anywhere. Showing good will or accommodation won't change their behavior patterns. I'm fresh off learning that lesson for the 354,782nd time!!!!
Sounds to me like you are doing great. I'm hoping that things speed up on the divorce-front and you soon have a piece of paper to rely on in order to avoid some of these exhausting interactions with him.
Hugs,
MamaKit
When you felt that urge to respond by dropping your plans because he wanted to see them (after you "misunderstood" his "doesn't work for me")....that was your codie showing. BUT the codie didn't do it, did she?
Good for you!!!!
That was more than just being strong....I think it was also recognizing that, even if you did give in to his demand, it wouldn't have gotten you anywhere. Showing good will or accommodation won't change their behavior patterns. I'm fresh off learning that lesson for the 354,782nd time!!!!
Sounds to me like you are doing great. I'm hoping that things speed up on the divorce-front and you soon have a piece of paper to rely on in order to avoid some of these exhausting interactions with him.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Oh thank you MamaKit!
Yes, I didn't give into the codie! I suppose that is probably a good way to look at it. But wow! I just didn't realize that living in years of his skewed version of reality, my own reality has been skewed too! I'm working hard at listening to my inner voice.
Yes, I didn't give into the codie! I suppose that is probably a good way to look at it. But wow! I just didn't realize that living in years of his skewed version of reality, my own reality has been skewed too! I'm working hard at listening to my inner voice.
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