Jax67

The sadness of it all

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Hi All,

Never thought I would be registering to join a group such as this one. I feel so alone with so many emotions bottled up I just need to talk but there are so many things to get out i don't know where to start! I guess all I will say right now is my 26 year old daughter is an addict a beautiful girl who had it all gave it all away for drugs. The sadness of it all overwhelms me much of the time and I think insanity is trying to set in.

drunkyjules

I'm sorry for what you are going through Jax. You will find much support and info here. You are not alone! Welcome!

Kindeyes

Jax67
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort here. Dealing with addiction with a child (even if they are an adult) is so very difficult for a parent. I am also the mother of an addict (he is currently in recovery) but I went through hell and back before I found answers that helped me cope. I found many of the answers I needed right here on SR from others who understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted.

There's a whole posse of Mom's here who will help you stand when you don't think you can. They will share their experience, strength and hope with you......we care. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

Hi Jax,

My daughter is a 25 year old recovering IV opiate addict. She's been in recovery now for about 3 years, I think (I stopped keeping track). It was an absolute nightmare before that, and I didn't begin to live my life again until I let go of her and her addiction. She let me know later, that me letting go was the beginning of her recovery.

Hugs to you, we all know how painful and traumatizing it is

lizwig

Hello Jax, I'm glad you found this site but am sorry for what has brought you here. I am also the mom of an addict. It is always hard to write that. My beautiful lovely son is addicted to meth. It's been 5 years of chaos. He did have 9 months clean at one point so I know when he's ready again he's got the tools. I, and many others here, understand the feelings of powerlessness you are feeling. This is a great site. I trust you'll find a lot of support here. I just truly reached a spot where I recognized no amount of my wanting my son to get clean was going to work if he didn't want it for himself. I handed him to God and stopped putting cushions under his bottom. I like to say God can't help him if I'm blocking the doorway. I love my son with all my heart but have had to remove the daily emotional bombs getting lobbed at me. It's been 8 months of very little contract but the message is the same. When you decide you want help I will do whatever I can to help you get the help you need. His messages have begun indicating he is getting closer...if only we could love them clean. I have been using this time to learn as much as I can about addiction and appropriate boundaries. My hope and intent is when he chooses recovery I won't try doing it for him!! I want him to own every single piece of success he earns. Thinking of you. Sending you strength...and again, welcome to the forum.

Jax67

Thank-You so much for your insight, there is nothing left I can do for my daughter,she has taken everything of value that i ever had including my wedding rings. The money is all gone paying for lawyers will drain your bank account fast and max your credit cards. I could not love her into recovery,yell at her or threaten her into recovery nothing works. I have to step away and let God take over for I have failed and failed again. The last 4 years have been like a nightmare over and over and over. Thank-You for your understanding and support. God please help us!

lizwig

I have just started reading a book called "How to get your loved sober....alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening". It's based on the CRAFT method....it talks a lot about setting boundaries. I'm not that far in but am willing to consider any information out there. I'm not sure it would work for my situation as my son is 4 states away but I like other perspectives. I would not give up al-anon because it has returned my sanity. I would love to think my son will one day reach out to his higher power but am not convinced he will. If there are other methods that may help him learn about himself when he so chooses I would like to have already done the research....not for him....but to understand various approaches available. Another great book is "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie. It helped me recognize that by doing for my son what he was capable of doing for himself it sent a silent message that even I, his mother, didn't think he was capable. I think the turning point came for me when I surrendered. I admitted I was powerless. No shame there....like I had convinced myself there would be. You will find a lot of support here. I'm glad you've reached out.

crazybabie

Welcome to SR Jax, I am the mother of two addicted sons I just want to say you didn't fail it was never for you to fix. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and, You can't cure it. I also use to run to my son's aid trying to save them I thought I failed I didn't because that was their's to battle not mine. I found help posting here and attending Al-Anon for as we have no Nar-anon where I live.

EnglishGarden

Jax, Welcome. You need very much not to be alone with this. I'm glad you found this forum. You can read very helpful articles to get that "insanity" thinking to calm down by going to the Sticky links on the opening page of the forum. Also, you can go to the search engine for blogs at the top of the page and find the blog of Cynical One which has over 200 excellent articles on addiction in the family.

Information and connecting with others can help you so very much, and as is often said, recovery for the addict usually starts with recovery in the family. There is help for you, and for your entire family. If you haven't been brave enough yet to try an Al-Anon meeting, you can google your city and "Al-Anon" and find a few to try. There is excellent free literature there and all you need do is place your bottom in a folding chair and listen. Nar-Anon might also be in your town. I attend both here in the town where I live and I can tell you that there are parents in those meetings with adult children who were using or drinking and who are now in sobriety. Put yourself with "the winners": parents who learned how to set boundaries and how to avoid enabling and how to release the guilt and fear that was paralyzing them. They are there in your town. Their stories can inspire you.

God bless you and your daughter, and remember, never give up five minutes before the miracle.

wiscsober

Jax67 As you see you are not alone. Alanon and SR has helped me tremendously. You may want to check out Naranon.

I have 3 grown boys. One is in recovery, and one is actively using. I'm not sure about my other son but he is well.

Today I can live free of guilt, enabling, blame, fear, and anger. Best to you.

allthatsgood

Jax, I too was overwhelmed with sadness when I found out my 23 year old son was an addict. It took me a long time to truly understand what addiction was all about. I had no idea what my son was capable of when he was actively using. But, thanks to SR I found out what I was up against. I also learned from SR members how important it was for me to take care of myself. It wasn't easy letting go. My first step at letting go was making the decision to not let him come home after his 2nd attempt at rehab. He went to a SLE instead. Slowly, I started rebuilding my own life and started doing things I enjoyed. Going for walks, taking yoga classes, spending time with friends, taking weekend vacations. All the things I had put on hold because I was in a state of fear about my son. Some days i had to force myself to do these things but once i got out there doing things i felt so much better.Instead of thinking about him non-stop, I started praying. Taking a break from him and his addiction was the best thing for both of us. He's been in recovery over a year now. It's still hard and some days I have anxiety but nothing like I had in the early days. Please take care of yourself. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

Jax67

Thank you, I know that having no contact with my daughter is the right thing to do. This is her 2nd try at rehab as well. I dread the phone call that I will be getting from her very soon from rehab about how much she misses me and how everything will be different. I dont want to answer the phone when that call comes. My daughter also has children that ask me all the time wheres mommy? it brks my heart to hear it. I just don't want her around me anymore and she does not deserve to be around those precious babies. And you are right my entire life revoves around this horrible situation my only child, i watch how her high school friends have gone on to live productive lives and all I can do is ask WHY WHY WHY. Sorry to skip from one thing to another there is just so much hurt I cant even think straight. Thank you God for leading me to this sight and all you wonderful people!

lizwig

Hi Jax. I've had to work really hard at not comparing my son's lack of achievements to his x-classmates. There are no guarantees in life and there may come a time when some of the more productive ones suffer. By the grace of God my son may be able to offer them encouragement. 2 of the people I work with had kids graduate the year my son was supposed to. They both just graduated university. I've gone to all their celebrations with a smile on my face because they are lovely and their achievements need to be recognized. It's times like these that I remind myself this life is about lessons. I will not be given more than I can handle and these are my son's consequences to face. He is my only child. It completely sucks. I have found if I spend too much time thinking about should haves and what ifs I will find myself really down. I'm glad your daughter is at rehab. She has the opportunity to embrace this if she chooses. You don't have to answer the phone if you aren't up for it. Let her leave a message. Nothing changes if nothing changes. When I first went no contact I received many hateful messages that I never acknowledged. When my son reaches out now his messages all say he loves and misses me. I don't receive many but if they are positive I remind him he is loved and I will support his recovery in any way I can but not his addiction. Any negative message never received a response. You have to find the right balance for you. Once you begin making decisions with you and your grandchildren first in mind...You'll be surprised how much easier it becomes very quickly. I will say though any time I've switched things up I've expected my son's behavior to escalate (checking if my boundaries are soft)...So be prepared for a bit of that. I'm glad you found this site as well.

sisterstruggle

Hi Jax,
My sister is a 39 yo addict (heroin, alcohol, cocaine, prescription pills... whatever she can get her hands on). It is incredibly, incredibly sad. This site has been an amazing resource for me. As have my local Nar-Anon meetings. Talking to people who understand addiction and who are also living with addict family members is incredibly helpful. Glad you found that site. Sending you much strength and support.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Jax, welcome to SR! I am another Mom of a 23 year old heroin/meth addict. My son too stole everything from me, all my jewelry and cash and other things. He is now in jail for those crimes . During his relapse, I finally had to let go in complete despair. It was 5 months of no contact from him and then he landed in jail. Miraculously, I really do have a relationship with my son now even though he is behind bars. I will continue to communicate with him as long as he is choosing sobriety. He has paid his debt to society and if he finally hit his bottom, than moving up will be that much easier. In my case, I believe that jail saved his life. He was living on the streets, homeless and God knows where. I found sanity and support here at SR. I found out that my situation is not unique, it is a mirror of the same things happening to 100's of other members here at SR. Also, the recovery process is not unique. We all have the opportunity to regain our joy and hope in life.
Hugs and keep posting and reading. Ann, Kindeyes, Chino, Freedom, Laurie 6781, Anvilhead and so many others will come along with helpful wisdon to get you through this difficult time.
TT

GardenMama

I am glad you found SR, Jax. You will find so much support here--keep reading, especially the "stickies" at the top of this particular forum. I am the mother of a 19 year old daughter, recovering heroin addict, who is not taking her recovery very seriously after 9 months clean. It's so incredibly sad and scary to be the parent of an addict, a lovely child you raised and nurtured; we all know what you are going through. I hope you find the support you need here and elsewhere. I have been attending NarAnon meetings as well and find them life-saving every time I go. Try not to despair, hard as that is.

Take care of yourself and make boundaries that reflect your values and needs. She knows you love her. If you need a break from the insanity, so be it. I remember once when my girls were little and were fighting and were on my nerves, I completely stunned them when I announced, "Mommy is going into Time Out, right now!!" They stopped in their tracks, jaws open, confused and silent. Then I explained that I needed a break from their bickering and I was going outside. It was so incredibly effective, for all of us. Maybe that's what you need, Jax--a time out. Take care and keep in touch with us here. It really helps.

blueholly

Jax,
When you posted in your post "God please help us" it just about made me cry.... I am so sorry for you. I have been there. I know exactly that desperation! I have cried to God in the same way. This place is a God send. I know. These people can help you.....
I am so glad you are here.

Jax67

Thank You all for the wonderful support!! Each day the tears that I cry seem to last for shorter periods of time. It's been 11 days of no contact. I see my daughters number on my phone and my heart brks a little more with every ring but i do not answer.Dear God I hope I'm doing the right thing.....

lizwig

Hi Jax. I can relate to how difficult it is not to answer calls. When I decided to let go I wrote my son a letter outlining why. I told him this is his life and I needed and wanted to regain my sanity and serenity. I told him the focus on his addiction had caused me to disregard many other important relationships in my life and that I wanted to place my energies elsewhere. I told him I would be willing to help him when he decided he was ready for help but I had recognized and admitted I was powerless in regards to his addiction. I told him I loved him with all my heart, that I believed in him but I could not love him to death. I think writing the letter allowed be too get my thoughts and feelings out without it leading to a confrontation. At first I don't think he believed me. I've had to remind him several times that I will talk to him about anything other than the chaos caused by his lifestyle. It's been 8 months and I still doubt myself sometimes. Someone posted the other day "don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle arrives". That really spoke to me. So I'm going to trust the process, trust in God and trust myself. I don't want a front row seat to the dramatics anymore. I'll wait in the wings until he makes some decisions for himself. Sending you strength.

blueholly

Jax,
I know this may sound harsh or not much help. The tears will come less and less.... I gets easier.... I know that may not be what you want to hear right now.... but with time you won't even hear that phone ring... It will be like background noise...
There is no sense in hearing what an addict has to say... YOU WILL NEVER GET THROUGH TO THEM, and you will NEVER win that conversation.....