pravchaw

I know I have to get off my son's case so he can do what he has to do (even if it involves self destructive behaviors) and get on with what I have to do with my life. The fact that addiction happened is reality. Reality has consequences and consequences have to be borne by the addicted one and his family independent of each other. I need to get over the real possibility that I will never see my son graduate, or married or grand children. He is and will suffer his choices. I would like to hear from parents who have been there and managed to get their life together and become a stronger person. Did you find happiness again?

Chino

I am happy

My daughter's addiction caused me to examine what love truly means to me. Going by the concept that love is a verb, my therapist asked me what love looks like. I was stunned silent; I had never thought of it that way.

When I was young, I needed my parents to stop seeing me as extensions of themselves, and to see me as my own person with my own life. Once I remembered how hard I had to fight with them for the freedom to be myself, that is when I began to let go of my wishes for my daughter.

lizwig

Hello Pravchaw, I have had to come to terms with the exact things you mention. And others. My son is a convicted felon and that will ultimately follow him for the rest of his life....as will his addiction if he doesn't overcome it. I do believe one of the hardest things was letting go of my will for his life. 8 months ago I was a complete mess. Hadn't slept through the night in years...would drive places and couldn't remember driving there...My day could start quietly and one telephone call had the potential to blow my day up. Calls from jail, suicide threats, altercations, lost jobs....and of course none of it was ever his fault. I let go and literally drug myself to an al-anon meeting and have gone weekly since. I feel it has completely saved my sanity. I do feel like myself again now. It's been work but when my thought patterns start to spiral I have tools now to get them under control. I sleep through the night now and my husband actually caught me singing in the kitchen the other day....something I used to do all the time and without noticing it had gone away. I am back. And whether my son ever chooses recovery or not I will continue to look for the good in each day and will accept what comes my way. When it comes...as in not future tripping about things I can't control. I don't know if this helps....sending thoughts your way.

Mountainmanbob

Katiekate

One day at a time. No future tripping, today is the only day you have.

Keep posting and know that you are in good hands.

Katie

GardenMama

Dear Pravchaw,

I have been thinking of you lately, wondering how you are doing, so I am glad you posted. As you know, I am early on in the journey, but I am finding peace and happiness in my days, even when they are mixed with longing and sadness for my daughter and her choices. I am learning to focus on my interests, needs, desires, and dreams while also training myself to stay in the present moment. It is hard work, but it does seem to be helping.

Do you have other children? I can't remember. But I know that going to NarAnon has helped me live more in present moment and as a result, I find myself appreciating my youngest daughter in ways I was never able to appreciate my oldest because she was so lost to addiction and allure of the Big Bad World. Her innocence and need for snuggling is a balm for both of us.

I wouldn't give up on college or grandchildren just yet. These are your dreams, though, so remember that. And something so odd and affirming for me this past year was that my daughter attended college full-time while in early recovery. She even opted to live in a tent so that she could finish her classes this semester before taking off hitchhiking across the country...Go figure! It is especially poignant for me because she finished the semester--education is one value of mine she has connected with and pursued even when she felt I was not supporting her (being SO mean) by not letting her, her BF, and their dog move in for the last month of the semester. She finished because SHE wanted to; I had nothing to do with it. My lesson: All you have valued and instilled is not gone just because of drug use.

Keep the faith!

Here's a poem by Emily Dickinson I found the other day...it's so sweet and helpful for me right now. I hope it gives you some peace:


HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


- Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.


So go ahead and keep hoping. It doesn't hurt anything or anyone to keep it alive.

lizwig

Beautiful Gardenmama....simply beautiful. Thank you.

allthatsgood

Pravchaw- these quotes by other SR members are reminders to me about how important it is for me to let go:

KE: Eventually, letting go helped me to stay out of God's way while He did what he needed to do with our son.

Lizwig: I like to say God can't help him if I'm blocking the doorway.

It's not easy staying out of our addict's way and letting their higher power do for them what we can't. That's why it is so important to take care of ourselves and take the focus off of them. Hugs from another mom.

Kindeyes

Two years ago......I was future tripping.....planning the funeral for my son.....he wasn't dead.......yet. What would he wear. Where would we have it. Who would we allow to come. What music should we play. Details.

Today.......my son has almost seven months clean and sober. I never, in my wildest dreams, saw that coming. And yes....I found serenity and joy before he got clean. I have no expectations of the future. I live one day at a time. Today was a good day.

I thought I could read the future.....but God proved me wrong. I'll defer to Him from now on.

gentle hugs
ke

HopefulmomtoD

Try not to catastrophize, or future trip as others have said. I know, easier said, than done.

I will tell you about my sister, though. She was a teenage mess. Rebellious, got involved in drugs, dated major losers. We're 12 years apart, so it was very sad for me to see my sweet little sister spiral downward. I forget why she got arrested now, but that one night in jail was a turning point for her. She decided that night she was not living her life like this. She's now a practicing attorney and a fantastic mother to two children. I would have NEVER thought when she was 20 that by the time she was 40 she'd have her life as together as it is.

I have several other family members that struggled early in their teens and early 20's and are now doing well.

So, all hope is not lost. Perhaps, you backing off will be exactly what your son needs. Maybe part of his problem is the pressure to succeed?

EJG123

Pravchaw, you don't get much say about how your son's life will turn out but you can work on steering yours toward health and happiness. My AD struggles on but I am okay. For me, time and the support of my friends and family helped me overcome some very dark times and to regain a sense of normacy and peace. I'll be praying for you.

pravchaw

Thank you for all your advise and encouragement. Today was a good day for me too. I was productive at my work and my son is working as a labourer and trying to pay his university debt off. I saw him briefly but he did not want to talk to me.
Hopefully he will soon. I think he trying to regain his self respect.