Parents/Family of drinking husband won't help or acknowledge

Old 06-09-2013, 11:34 AM
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Parents/Family of drinking husband won't help or acknowledge

Just posted yesterday about 17 years in with an alcoholic spouse etc etc. I feel that I need to also bring to light other things that go along with me and also his drinking and why its so hard to leave this relationship.

About 8 years ago, I called his mom and asked if she would talk to him about his drinking. Her reply was "he is just like his dad, he will never change, find an al-anon meeting or divorce him". I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. If it was my kid, I would go to the ends of the earth to try to help. His dad is an alcoholic (functioning, I think) and his mom and the rest of the family just deals. At family functions, it almost always ends up with his dad passing out and his mom having to more less put him to bed.
More recently, because of his drinking and our fighting, I asked my husband to leave for a few days and go see his family. While he was there, I asked my sister-in-law to ask her husband (my husbands brother) to talk to him about his drinking as it is worsening. Well, I guess they discussed alittle but then he took my husband out for a drink and the next night they all partied at my in-laws. Talk about enablers. They act like its a joke. I don't get it.

I feel I need to tell a little more about myself for a better understanding
of my thought process through all this and my fear of leaving this relationship. I do love my husband, though I hate the alcoholic he has become. Does this make sense???
**
I lost my mother 13 years ago this month(not due to alcohol) & my older sister who I was very close with started drinking after mom died, never stopped, lost her home, soon became homeless, went to rehab at least twice and died of septic
pnuemonia 3 years ago. She was several states away and I tried like hell to help her many times with money and support and finally tough love. I could tell she was drinking and quit taking her calls. She died a couple of days after my birthday. She called to wish me happy birthday and I would not answer because she was drinking. Haunts me every day! I still have my father who is 81 and has heart issues but still is a strong supportive person in my life. Other than my daughter who is only 10 and my nephew(we are close!!) who lives in other state, my dad is all I have to talk to about this**

I can't understand why my husbands family won't lift a pinky to try to help him. Other than his drinking problem, my husband is a good person or was, Its changed him so much!
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:01 PM
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Hi luv...I know it is so difficult to wrap one's head around, but there is not anything your husband's family can do to really affect any changes in his life. At best they can provide temporary fixes to long-term problems. Real change will only happen when HE decides he needs to change, not because those around him try to manage him. Real change will only happen when he is allowed to face the consequences of his choices unhindered.

Sometimes when we try to help our A's, we are really just getting in their way. And I know I always found it easier to blame my XABF's drinking on the bartenders who served him, his friends who videotaped him drunk, and his parents who made him feel bad about himself...but none of those people poured the booze down his throat, stole money from me to buy beer or pot, contacted other girls online while he was drunk, or passed out in my Christmas tree. At some point I had to accept that no one could "help" him change until he was ready and willing to do it himself.

Once I accepted this, my life and my decisions became much more easier to deal with. I wish you strength and courage.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:57 PM
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Oh my... I'm so sorry for all you have been through. (((((Hugs)))))
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Old 06-09-2013, 01:51 PM
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I used to try to get my partners family involved in helping him to stop drinking. To the point where I was almost obsessional about it. I'd ring his mum 2-3 times a week with updates, she would listen and make the right noises at the right time but was completely ineffective. Then one day I thought "mmmm if I leave it how long will it take her to call me?". I heard nothing for 8 weeks and in the end my mum told me to call her just to say hi as it looked rude on my part.

His sister I can't stand anyway and her not bothering just gave me fuel to dislike her even more. Something more i could slag her off for.

Recently I realised a few things. I wasn't looking for help for him it was actually a cry for help on my part. Even if they had bothered, they wouldn't have been able to do anything about his drinking, I just would've felt supported if they had. I need to stop turning to his family for support and look to my friends and family because in the end they will always be on his side and back him because they are his family and that's how it works.
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:16 PM
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Take care of yourself and your child. That is all that matters.

I just would've felt supported if they had.
Yep, cause even if they just agreed and listened, that is better than nothing.

But, if they lift a finger, or lift the whole recovery center, it does not work until the alcoholic works it.

luvcaitlin,

Look for your own support. I hope I misunderstood and that you are not sharing your adult problems with your 10 year old daughter? Please reconsider telling her anything except age appropriate truth.
If she seems more mature than ten, well, I was too.
I was the oldest of four and my mother told me alot of things I did not want or need to know.
Of course you love your daughter very much, just as I know my mother loved me, but she should have sought the advice and counsel of other adults. Not me. I was not ready and I feel I failed her in every way.

She (your daughter) could use some professional help. (if possible)
How about AlAnon and AlAteen?

I was about ten when my mother and father separated.
I did not need to know the details of my fathers shortcomings.

I failed my children in some ways, but in many ways I have grown and hopefully this generation will be much better than the one before.
We do what we know. And, when we know better we do better.

Sincerely,
Beth
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Old 06-09-2013, 02:56 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. Every bit of it makes perfect sense! I can't expect my inlaws to "fix" him or make him want to get help. I do understand that now. It has to come from him and I honestly do not feel it will. I made the mistake of asking him to "please not drink too much" today after he already had a couple. Wrong thing to say at the wrong time. He looked at me like he wanted to tear my head off and said some pretty inappropriate things that I shouldn't be used to, but I am. He was gone all morning cutting fire wood. Not exactly the thing to be doing and drinking but he does. My daughter and I had a wonderful day, then it changed when he pulled up. I know what I need to do and thank you all for the support. I appreciate this board and everyone on it who knows exactly what I (we) are going through.. Pray for me to follow through please!!
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