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Oh great... it is creeping up again

Old 06-09-2013, 11:19 AM
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Oh great... it is creeping up again

I just don't know what to do any more. I don't even feel like my current issue is related to alcohol, but i sure know its the first thing i think about when i feel like this... purely because it makes me numb - well thats before it makes me want to kill myself usually and have an episode for a couple of weeks...

jonny, alcoholic, 26 years old... sober 4 months.. 4 months ago i slipped once, before that id been sober 3 months... all in all this is the longest period ever for me...

no AA, no addiction councellors, none of that.. i have found through chronic relapsing that i just do not gel with AA... i dont like the concept of it, i dont like sharing in rooms, i dont like sitting thinking about, talking about or being in any way associated with anything to do with alcoholism, sobriety, alcohol, or anything in that area. i know people are going to post "go to aa", so im just getting this out of the road first - i appreciate that aa works for people, i on the other hand, hate aa, and have had the most successful run of sobriety without aa.

however i just feel lonely, in the romantic sense. since i broke up with my ex 2 years ago i have had NO intimate encounters, no female friends, no girlfriends, not even so much as a hug from the farier sex. i feel like an absolute failure. and the reason i am posting is because this is what kept me drinking for 8+ years. i just feel totally unattractive - i have never considered myself ugly, but the fact that there ahs been no interest in that long just makes me seriously say well the evidence would support the fact that i am not attractive to women. if i was attractive to women i wouldnt be sitting feeling like this because there would be evidence in the form of interest from females that im not.

i just feel like its going on so long now that its ripping me apart inside, and even though i know i wont drink, i just dont know what to do to address this.

people say to me, well youre going to university in september, youl meet them there. but you know what, i dont think i will. because i suffer from social anxiety, i hate crowds of people, i lack confidence around people i dont know, and i sure as hell wont be approaching any females. that leaves me stumped doesnt it, really. i just sittin here feeling like im destined to be lonely, my friends are constantly "shacking up" with new women, im just totally baffled, how does this just happen to everyone except me

this is where i know that people will suggest aa, but i just want to set it straight that im totally uninterested and not open to taht idea at all. ive been there, done that, MANY MANY times, and i do not like it. i can think of much better ways to spend my time than sitting listening to people talking about alcohol or spending any time of the day focusing on alcoholism what so ever, because for me personally that makes me want to drink. also, i dont really find much enjoyment sitting around people 3 times my age. i just want a normal life with normal people who dont drink, and everything has been great in my sobriety up until this point, where im now just fed up being alone.

like i say this isnt a cry for help in terms of needing to relate to alcoholics and all that fluff, some people need that, i dont... i just need a relationship with females, even a f***king friendship.. i just feel like a total failure and totally unattractive. im on here posting this because if i dont challenge this feeling it usually ends up being an unwanted outcome
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:21 AM
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AA works for those desperate and willing enough and at the end of their ropes.

rational recovery
AVRT
SMART
SOS
Life Ring
Women for Sobriety

all have their own websites. check 'em out!
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:31 AM
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sorry sugarbear like i say im not interested. what works for me is spending my days full of things i enjoy doing that are totally removed from having an addiction or being in recovery.

i spend my days doing things i enjoy doing, thats waht gets me through this. any time i attended aa and failed i wasnt ready to stop, and now that i am ready to stop i dont need aa.

i do on the other hand, like most males on the plannet, need female attention because its a serious dent to my ego without it
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by zany90 View Post
like i say this isnt a cry for help in terms of needing to relate to alcoholics and all that fluff, some people need that, i dont... i just need a relationship with females, even a f***king friendship.. i just feel like a total failure and totally unattractive. im on here posting this because if i dont challenge this feeling it usually ends up being an unwanted outcome
If you are truly here just to find a female relationship as you say, you are in the wrong place.

If you are here for help with quitting drinking or recovery support, you have hit the literal gold mine. Many of us here have quit and remained sober with or without AA. You may get suggestions from some that it has worked for, but just as many will suggest AVRT, rational recovery, SR, counseling, or a combination of any of the above.

But the real question is whether or not you have the desire to quit. Best if luck in making that decision
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:38 AM
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im not here so much to look for a relationship lol.. im just really here asking for advice on how to deal with these feelings...

the issue here isnt that im going to drink, because ive quit. i know alot of people cant understand this concept but im a person who just makes a decision, and sticks to it. i decided to quit, so i have, aa or no aa... i quit drinking 4 months ago, and thats it. done.

the problem lies in the fact that as much as ive enjoyed being sober and have no desire to ever drink again, this feeling was numbed out when i was drunk..

now that i dont drink, this feeling exists and i dont know what to do about it with my shyness, social anxiety etc
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:51 AM
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I've used people and sex to try and change how i felt about myself just like i did with drugs and alcohol . It worked about as well as the drugs and alcohol (it just made me feel worse in the long run) .

People i find attractive as friends and lovers have an inner confidence, are content and happy so those are the parts of my charecter i work on if i want to be attractive .

Now that you've got sobriety (congratulations on the 4 months) what are you going to make of yourself ?

Bestwishes, M
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:57 AM
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thanks mecanix.. this is the bit im most confused about...

even before my decision to quit, i set goals for myself to become a web designer, and have completed my college course and been accepted into university.. so thats my goal, or my route of progression in life so to speak..

but it doesnt really answer the basic human need to feel loved.. people always say you need to be happy and confident to attract women, but the reason i feel so confused about it is because the fact that there is a lack of women in my life is a dent to my happiness and confidence if that makes any sense
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:58 AM
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Just a quick tip from my experience, although women will sometimes make the first move or express interest in us guys, it doesn't happen that way the majority of the time.

Just try talking to them, you don't have to express any interest or ask them out to start off with.

I have crippling social anxiety.. so I know how you feel.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by zany90 View Post
i dont like sitting thinking about, talking about or being in any way associated with anything to do with alcoholism, sobriety, alcohol, or anything in that area.
Then you've picked an odd website to strike up a conversation, friend.

You might want to consider Rational Recovery/AVRT. It was started by someone who didn't find help at AA, so he reasoned out another way to go. There's some good tools there that might interest you.

Best of Luck on your journey.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:17 PM
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lol @ the post above.. i ment on a day to day basis, today because this is the feeling that i drank for and kept me drinking i felt it was an appropriate place..

i just ment in general on a day to day basis i dont even think about booze or alcoholism or recovery, any time it starts to peek around the corner in my thoughts i just put it out of my head, and thats been the key to my personal success this time around. aa for me, makes me feel disempowered, i find i constantly question myself and my thoughts and compare them to the aa model and generally thinking about alcoholism every night at meetings, or entertaining any moment of time to that topic, is detrimental for me.. i know everyone is different thats just me...

the social anxiety thing, i dont know.. even talking to them just feels like one of my biggest fears. i dont want to sound conceited but i have been told that im a good looking guy so i dont think its that. i just have little to no confidence in myself, its been so long since ive had any luck that i dont even know where to start...

about the women approaching men thing, thats what ive heard too, and read online.. thats why i kind of feel like im going to be duped forever unless i can overcome the S.A next
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:21 PM
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i dont mean to single out aa, i encapsulate all recovery models or anything around that topic under the same flag. for me i dont want to go near anything at all that allows me to think about alcoholism. i find just put it behind me, put it out of my head and put my mind towards what i do want works, which is generally the opposite of every group mentioned as they are based around drinking or reasons why you drink, how to stay away from drink blah blah.. for me its as easy as saying, i quit drinking, therefor i dont need to entertain thinking about it, and just life my life. you know?
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Krodos View Post
Just try talking to them, you don't have to express any interest or ask them out to start off with.
This -- I think you're psyching yourself out a little. A lot. My advice would be rather than to think of "pursuing" a friendship or relationship with a woman, just let it happen in the same way you'd develop a friendship with a guy.

Oh, and don't assume that because no woman has approached you that that means no woman has been interested. I know I've been attracted to PLENTY of guys that I never told about it.

I also think a LOT of women like shy/introverted guys.

Also, I would be wary of blaming your past drinking on feelings of failure or being unattractive -- especially eight years' worth of drinking. It just kinda sounds like not taking responsibility for letting eight years pass before you (a) tried to quit or (b) sought help for your feelings of low self-worth. I hope that doesn't sound judgy.

And you indeed ARE about to find yourself in a primo place to interact with women. I hear you on the social anxiety (you're not alone). So what's your plan for keeping that under control? Can you talk with a professional about how to cope with or overcome that?
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:23 PM
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I can understand the "catch 22" nature of the struggle . I think we sometimes need to sit back and think about the other person though . what do we offer that is attractive ? Whast signals do we send out to the world ?

So who in your life is loveable ? What attribtes do they have that makes them loveable ? Do you emulate them ?

Wants and needs are all very "wanty" and "needy" but when a girl is looking for a friend/lover/husband do you think those are the things she looks for ?

Uni is probably a good place to meet new people , as a rhetorical question what kind of person do you want to meet and where do you think that kind of person would spend their time ?

Good luck , M
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by MeSoSober View Post
This -- I think you're psyching yourself out a little. A lot. My advice would be rather than to think of "pursuing" a friendship or relationship with a woman, just let it happen in the same way you'd develop a friendship with a guy.

Oh, and don't assume that because no woman has approached you that that means no woman has been interested. I know I've been attracted to PLENTY of guys that I never told about it.

I also think a LOT of women like shy/introverted guys.

Also, I would be wary of blaming your past drinking on feelings of failure or being unattractive -- especially eight years' worth of drinking. It just kinda sounds like not taking responsibility for letting eight years pass before you (a) tried to quit or (b) sought help for your feelings of low self-worth. I hope that doesn't sound judgy.

And you indeed ARE about to find yourself in a primo place to interact with women. I hear you on the social anxiety (you're not alone). So what's your plan for keeping that under control? Can you talk with a professional about how to cope with or overcome that?
no i appreciate your comments. its a fair remark that 8 years was wasted, i know that.. i think really as much as im faffing about whether it was alcohol related or not, i feel this way now... i do know though, that any time i went out i was drinking to "medicate" the s.a before it got really out of control, and then it was just smeared across the walls lol..

i have no idea what im going to do about the s.a, i refuse to take benzodiazepines or anything of that nature so im going it dry so to speak lol..

i think maybe some girls might have looked, i dont know - i say that on the basis that im a man and women like men so by a numbers game there has to have been someone who liked what they saw just because of the nature of the game.. however, i find it difficult even looking at attractive females, i drop my head and walk on and then afterwards say "arrgh just make eye contact". its so hard though... so i never really know if any of them are looking or not..

the bottom line is that some girls may be attracted to introverted/quiet guys, which i am, but unless i can crack this and be a man and approach said females, its likely the females wont do anything either, ya know? its a frustrating situation
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:34 PM
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I think you have been sober just long enough to lose sight of why you quit. This site is has been my only support. I understand about trying to make this a non-issue in your day to day life. I have been doing that and it works for a time and then I get craves and then I come here.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by zany90 View Post
the bottom line is that some girls may be attracted to introverted/quiet guys, which i am, but unless i can crack this and be a man and approach said females, its likely the females wont do anything either, ya know? its a frustrating situation
This is where the "not pursuing" thing counts. I think you need to get out of your own head and break the "approach" pattern of thinking. Do you talk to female wait staff in restaurants? Women who work in bookstores or grocery stores or the dry cleaners? I really think you need to try to think of interacting with women as interacting with PEOPLE (because we are). First and foremost, women are people.

Do you have guy friends? How did those relationships happen? Female friendships happen the same way, and if there's more there than friendship, it will probably just . . . happen.
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:37 PM
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trust me, after my last experience i havent lost sight.. i do appreciate what people are saying but i know what happens when i drink and it terrifies me. honestly. ive been in jail, homeless, i could have murdered someone the night i was arrested.. its not something i would forget..

from what im saying i can understand people thinking i couldnt be alcoholic if i can just decide to quit and do it, but trust me, im as alcoholic as the best of them here, i just decided to take responsibility for my thoughts and actions and rather than deciding to try to control, i decided to quit and thats it for me... i know alot of people need to go and talk about it and focus on it and think about yesterday, i know what happens, and im really concerned about the future and how im going to deal with things that are important to me, like this situation, without any chemical help
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by MeSoSober View Post
This is where the "not pursuing" thing counts. I think you need to get out of your own head and break the "approach" pattern of thinking. Do you talk to female wait staff in restaurants? Women who work in bookstores or grocery stores or the dry cleaners? I really think you need to try to think of interacting with women as interacting with PEOPLE (because we are). First and foremost, women are people.

Do you have guy friends? How did those relationships happen? Female friendships happen the same way, and if there's more there than friendship, it will probably just . . . happen.

i know what you are saying, and i know from here it sounds like im treating women differently, im honestly not. the reason why im so concerned, is because there are no women in my life to begin with..


i mean i have been in a long term relationship before, 7 years was my longest.. its just now reaching worrying point to where its been so long that im finding im actually scared of attractive women/people, and i know thats an s.a thing...
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:41 PM
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what i dont get is how i have a friend who just randomly seems to end up in a new persons bed, and i have no luck at all - do not misinterpret this, i wouldnt want to be like that at all, i do have standards and morals for what i want in a relationship..

i guess its been so long that i dont even understand what happens there lol.. he just seems to go out, meet people and in the blink of an eye hes sleeping with them. that is totally alien to me
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Old 06-09-2013, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by zany90 View Post
i know what you are saying, and i know from here it sounds like im treating women differently, im honestly not. the reason why im so concerned, is because there are no women in my life to treat as people..
Are you living in a cave? So if there are no women in your life currently, then maybe start with a woman you HAVE to interact with -- a female who takes your order at a restaurant or coffee shop or who checks out your groceries or whatever. Can you "practice" there, make small talk?

Originally Posted by zany90 View Post
i mean i have been in a long term relationship before, 7 years was my longest.. its just now reaching worrying point to where its been so long that im finding im actually scared of attractive women/people, and i know thats an s.a thing...
Maybe your drinking has contributed to your being "inactive" for so long? So maybe now this is a fresh and sober start for you. I really think you gotta stop THINKING about it so much, if you can. Redirect thoughts to something else when you start obsessing.
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