dontevenknow

Here's my situation. I've had drug and alcohol problems for probably 20 or 25 years. Over the last 5, I've tried therapy, AA, exercise and meditation and just about everything else. I have had some lengthy stretches of sobriety up to a year but they are not comfortable and in retrospect from people around me at the time I was not a nice sober person. I'm fairly successful and live alone comfortably but I am starting to find it harder to be effective in my career as I get older. I have managed to moderate and improve my overall health, even running a marathon this year. But you know what? I feel like hell, I haven't had more than 7 days in a long time, and the only sobriety I've had has usually been by will power for some immediate gain like making a relationship work. I would like to be free of the cravings and depression and general crap of addiction but I'm starting to feel like there is no way it will happen. I've really thrown myself into AA in the past because I have seen it work for others, however it hasn't worked for me and I've found myself getting mixed up with some odd people as a result and getting sucked into weird magical thinking by the religious aspect which while it does appeal to me, it doesn't seem to help me.

Is there something else to try? Is it crazy I'm considering hiring a personal assistant and giving them an incentive plan for keeping me dry?

ScottFromWI

For me it was commitment to sobriety. You need to make it your number one priority over anything else. Training for and running a marathon requires a major and lengthy commitment of time and resolve. Can you honestly say you've put that much into your sobriety by comparison?

dontevenknow

Yeah I think that's the problem though, I just don't know how to do that. Certainly going to meetings every day didn't work for me. Training for a marathon meant half a dozen long training runs and some yoga and massage. Piece of cake and really didn't take much effort. Sobriety? I have no idea how, hence the username.

suki44883

Do you have a sponsor in AA? Have you worked the steps? The program of AA is in the steps, not the meetings.

Nuudawn

Have you looked into SMART Recovery? It's non-12 step/non spiritual recovery. Just a thought. You sound like a driven and successful person yet the booze is your achilles (sp?) heel. Do you struggle with any other addictive type behaviours?

ScottFromWI

You know how to be successful at your job, right? And while a marathon might have been a piece of cake for you, it still required planning and commitment. Sobriety is really no different. Your goal is not to drink, so you do whatever is necessary to meet that goal.

You said you've tried just about everythng....does that include any of the secular recovery methods? Or how about counseling with an actual addictions specialist? Or maybe intensive outpatient therapy?

DAB

Did you leave AA or did AA leave you?
Think about that...
Did you drink while you were still actively attending meetings?
Did you drink while you were working on making some spiritual progress?
Did you drink while you were actively reaching out to help other alcoholics?
My guess is that you became bored or complacent with your recovery, stopped going to meetings, and your old life started creeping up on you.
I'm glad you're back looking to recover again, maybe try AVRT.

dontevenknow

Yes and yes. I did my best with it. I feel like it was just a baffling and frustrating experience. Honestly it made me feel dumb and frustrated. Edit: I think that's part of the problem. The support group structure is good for me. The steps I find confusing and frustrating and it seems like it got harder to reconcile that.

dontevenknow

That's accurate: My guess is that you became bored or complacent with your recovery, stopped going to meetings, and your old life started creeping up on you.

I think I also started to lose faith that I can ever change and that has made it harder. And then the increasing acceptance that even when I am sober, my mind is just wrong, and that may be why I can't make the program work. Like they say those who are incapable of being honest may have trouble making it work, well if every single time I try to be honest with myself, the answers are completely different it seems something is wrong which is deeper than the addictions.

MsJax

Hi don't even know. I think when people are addicts/alcoholics for so many years they don't even know any more what brings them joy & peace. That's how it was for me, and just getting sober didn't address those things. But, for me, I got sober once I figured out I was going to die and then I've slowly started working on things to really learn who I am and what brings joy to me. I had to be sober to even begin to do that. Maybe you could look into that line of thinking? I don't use AA or any specific recovery method. I made a little program for myself and I have been sober about 27 months. I did get sober once for 6 years, but relapsed for 4.5. This time the change has been to the core.

I hope you start to feel better, maybe you do need to become more "yourself". Obviously you have a lot of motivation and skills to accomplish things.

If depression has been a lifelong issue, a dr visit could help too. Some depression comes from booze-not all tho!

I hope you keep posting.

Mizzuno

Have you tried a psychologist?
Have you tried AVRT?
SMART?
Have you tried religion? ( just thinking)

If you hired someone to try to keep you sober, this may end up in their being fired because at some point you will not like what they have to say? Not such a good plan for both parties. What about posting on here every single day and keeping yourself accountable?

FeenixxRising

Going by your post I'd say you have no issues with being honest with yourself. I don't know what the answer is for your situation; although, I suspect you may have been expecting some kind of magical, problem-free life after you got sober. But that's not a realistic expectation. Problems will always be there, sober or not, so when you realized problems still existed after soberity, you went back to drinking & drugging.

Also, I believe it's very important for you to not think you're "dumb" or that you've not found sobriety because you're somehow at fault and not working AA correctly.

Let's be honest, while AA does help many people, it doesn't work for everybody. No program works for everyone. Perhaps you're one of those who can't be helped by AA. There are other options; Mizzuno referenced some above. Or maybe you just need to give AA another try. I don't know exactly, but it's important for you to not give up trying to get sober, and it's important for you to realize you're not at fault or working AA correctly. Those types of thoughts will only lead to guilt and frustration.

Just keep trying, you can get sober if you really want it, it won't be easy, but very few of the good things in life come easily. And judging by your first post, I suspect you're not afraid of a little hard work.

Dee74

Welcome don'tevenknow
If you have it in mind that sober you is not a good person, you're beaten before you start.

Recovery was two fold for me - stopping drinking, then changing my life and myself so I was happy sober.

Maybe that wasn't sober you - maybe that was still alcoholic you, just not drinking?

D

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you, dontevenknow.

I hope you'll find the encouragement you need here. I drank for a very long time, too. In the end it never brought me anything but misery. I had to give up on the idea that it would ever be fun, an escape, or a way to cope. It was destroying me and I wanted to live. You can do this.

Nighthawk8820

Try again. It doesnt mean you will fail every time, and not healthy to walk into it thinking it wont work. Each time is unique, so you never know. Have you ever gotten to the root of you anger or why you prefer the numbness of alcohol over dealing with your feelings and thoughts clear headed? That alone may make a huge difference, but you would have to be brutally honest with yourself.

As far as hiring a personal assistant, ILL DO IT, lol. You would have to find someone pretty damn tolerant, and it still wouldn't help you to solve your problems on you own. Hang in there, you have a lot to offer if you are sober, but you have to give it another shot. You have nothing to lose.

hypochondriac

It sounds to me like you have no faith in yourself or your ability to stay sober. Alcohol can give our self confidence a beating but there is no reason to let it keep us down there. It might be worth checking out an alternative sobriety method to see if it sits better with you. AVRT (Rational Recovery) I found was very empowering in a way.

I also figured that if I was unhappy in my sobriety then I am doing it wrong. There is always something new you can try and no one needs to drink to exist. Glad you're here x

bemyself

Welcome Don'tevenknow:

Nighthawk made an excellent point, which resonates with my situation (lots of relapsing and having to start again): 'each time is unique'.

It is SO very true. Have a good long think about that. And stick around SR with us - you'll find more support, tips, discussions and virtual hugs than you could poke a stick at!