CompletelyLost4

Today I feel like everything I have been working on through Codependent No More and my daily devotions went up in smoke thanks to a very crappy start to my day with STBXAH. This is kind of long, so. . .

Two weeks ago, I give him a second, revised copy of the divorce papers. The changes were my idea - I went in with pretty steep demands because of where both he and I were at the time. Since then, STBXAH is drinking but not around the kids, so I change a few things about visitation. He says he will sign them right away, but as an active A the excuses begin as to why he cannot sign them. He won't read them himself - I mean flat-out refuses - so he wants a lawyer to look over it. I say fine. I get a call from him last week with a few issues brought up by his lawyer "consultation". We iron them out, new papers are drawn up, and he is supposed to come over this morning to sign. He says he is completely ok with it. Denial. . .

The first red flag was last night with a call from the airport. Ummm. . . So, my STBXAH "couldn't" have someone read them actually, his mother called a lawyer's office and read what she thought were "problem areas" to some paralegal friend instead, so he isn't sure about signing because the entire document hasn't been read. Classic A behavior, can't take care of his own problems - pawns everything off on someone else so it's never HIS fault. I tell him we will go over them together, because considering he is leaving for 3 weeks, I'd like to have them signed. After saying this, I get a couple of short, rude texts but don't respond. I know there's a storm brewing.

So, he comes this morning early. He has obviously been up drinking all night - I haven't seen him like that in months. He is an absolute jerk, signs the papers, throws the pen, and leaves - home for 45 seconds but makes me feel the guilt. An hour later, he comes back. This time to "see the kids." He leaves, comes back 5 minutes later - wants me to come talk outside. He is wearing me down at this point and I know I shouldn't go outside. I KNOW this! But I cave and do it. I tell him I just want it to be over, I am tired of no financial support, and that I have done everything he suggested to get along, and am paying for the lawyer - I cannot afford to revise these papers for a year. I tell him to take the papers, but I know this is another manipulation move. He leaves without papers - furious at me.

Comes back 5 minutes later. Decided he wants the papers. Calls me a selfish b%*#? For bringing up money - all in front of the boys. I have stayed strong the entire time in front of the kiddos and AH- through this whole separation ordeal, I haven't cried, yelled, nothing where they can see it. Today, I snap. I throw the papers at him and just cannot stop sobbing. I yell for him to leave my house. I felt completely out of control. I am so tired of him constantly having to control every single situation. I am so tired of the run-around. I am so sick of his manipulation. And today, I let him drag me down on the crazy train with him. I wonder if this will ever end?

BobbyJ

It will stop when YOU are ready to make it stop!!
No one can stop it for you....
Set your boundaries of what is acceptable and what's not acceptable.
Draw a line in the sand...if he crosses it....What are you going to do about it?
Erasing the line over and over - doesnt make sense to me!

dandylion

Dear CompletelyLost4, don't beat up on yourself. You are human--and this doesn't negate any progress you have made. Nobody is keeping a scoresheet of your "toughness".
Sometimes, it is all a person can do just to keep going--when an A** is making an effort to torment.

You are probably exhausted. Get a night's sleep. Hopefully, you can have a good day tomorrow!

dandylion

lillamy

Big hugs to you. Dealing with that kind of behavior is exhausting.

Give yourself a break. Progress, not perfection. I can almost promise you the fog will lift and you'll have an easier time sticking to your guns once he is out of your life (as much as they ever are when you have kids together, but you know what I mean).

Take care of yourself. Today was not a failure, it was AFGO: Another F-ing Growth Opportunity. Hate them as we may (I know I do), we do learn from them, as you're already showing in your post.

oneday66

you are doing your best in an insane situation with an insane person.. u will know when you've had enough and nothing he says or does will matter or have this kind of effect on u.. but please go easy on yourself.. divorce is traumatic.. even without addiction

SoloMio

I hate when that happens--i.e., when you feel like you're so where you should be and then something sneaky inside--hidden anger, resentment, frustration, past hurts--pops out of the closet and erupts like a volcano.

But it does happen, and you just go on. Keep practicing your detachment, it gets stronger the more you work on it, as well as processing those feelings.

I had a potential trigger encounter with AH the other night and he's been taunting me for the past two days, and I'm surprised at how de-fused my feelings are. Today he might say the same thing and I might blow, but I don't think so. I'm thinking he can finally say whatever the heck he wants, and it comes off sounding like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

Every day is another chance to get back in the saddle and practice your own program.

CompletelyLost4

Thanks for the feedback! I do feel like I am "redrawing" my line in the sand. . .or maybe I never drew one in the first place. Just getting him out of the house was a huge step, and I haven't had him invade the home like this before, so I was completely caught off-guard. Usually any drunken rage comes at me in the form of texts or voicemails, and I simply delete them. Him coming in the house in a rage and then repeatedly coming back for more was scary to me. I felt threatened and vulnerable.

My parents live two miles down the road, and they have been very "hands-off" about the situation. They're the type that don't want to influence my choice - which I appreciate since my in-laws are opinionated. I confided in my dad about yesterday, and he said it's time to plan what I'm going to do next time - and that it is time to let the lawyer work for me and quit discussing the papers with STBXAH. I love that man - always level-headed, very calm.

So, I have set a boundary. My STBXAH will no longer enter my home drunk. If he continues to come back, I'm calling the police. I will not panic anymore, and I will not let him get in my head. That part is easier said than done, but after yesterday I think all fairy tale thinking that this was going to be an easy, friendly divorce flew out the window. I am calling my lawyer tomorrow to recount the weekend drama and will do whatever she suggests. Most if all, I am turning it all over to God - I cannot control anything STBXAH does, and worrying won't help me either.

I'm hopeful the rest of my day will be peaceful!

dandylion

Completely, glad you are feeling a little better. Like lilliamy said---it was an AFGO.

Good plan.

dandylion

wicked

I say great work! It took this one day of foolishness and you are done with Mr. Crazy.
When I feel frightened and threatened that is how I would have responded.
Reacting with a little out of control behavior has happened to me too.

You are handling it well. Yep another effing growth opportunity.

I like that.
Beth

CompletelyLost4

Well, my dad stops by tonight to check in due to yesterday's fun, and low and behold. . .here comes a drunk STBXAH. He comes to the door and asks to speak to my dad outside. They've been out there an hour. I am in agony!!!!! My boys told my dad good luck as he went outside. It isn't an argument out there, but it is still a bit unnerving.

Is it restraining order time? And how does that work with kids involved? Any advice/experience stories welcome!!

Aeryn

You know you don't have to let them talk outside...you can say this is my house and no AH it is *not* OK for you to talk to *my* dad - and if he won't leave you can call the police.

Also...I would have your lawyer talk to his lawyer regarding the papers - once you file them that way he has a certain number of days to respond and if he doesn't you get a default judgement (at least on my state). I know a lawyer costs money but it's worth it for your sanity - you can always save up if you need too.

BTW - in the past I was out of control with my AH in over the top ways I would be embarrassed to share - the good news is that is the past and I'm working on those issues *FOR MYSELF* not for him in therapy (turns out it is stuff popping up from childhood I haven't worked through - I'm an ACOA). Anyway my point is don't beat yourself up about it, it happened and you can't change the past but you can work for better in the present.

wicked

wow, I bet it is unnerving, but unless your dad calls for help, I guess it is their business.
I hope your dad gives him an idea of how to behave from now on.
yep, drunks always showing up where you dont want them,
how about a restraining order?
if he made me nervous and tense, he could stay away,
if I could I would ask the law to protect me.
In another life, I was convinced I could handle a drunk,
well, I can't.
Best for the cops to come and take them somewhere.
Like redirecting a child about to get electrocuted.
Here ya go honey, how about going over here, where the monkey circus is?

Beth

everything okay now?
going to bed?

CompletelyLost4

Everything was ok. They talked for an hour - dad said it went in circles, but he just listened. When it was over, STBXAH just left. No drama, which was nice. He leaves today for two weeks, so I am thankful for the break.

The problem I'm having is that while I have a lawyer, STBXAH does not. So where the two lawyers could discuss issues normally, here it's not the case. I'm still calling mine this morning to see what she suggests. I just want this over and done with.

BunnyNest

As new situations arise, new boundaries have to be set.

You are doing a great job. Progress, not perfection.

I think it is great to just let the lawyer handle it, as well as the police. Your peace is worth it.

Carol Star

Lawyers do the back and forth.....try to set a boundary......I know- boundaries are hard......I never learned them growing up in an alcoholic home myself.......they are for our 1.serenity ,2.safety, 3.security......maybe discuss the big "d" away from the kiddos......it hurts them- they love you both.......this too shall pass...... our part.....our reaction to the "a's"......is our work.......forgive yourself, learn the lesson.....an opportunity to forgive yourself...... definitely do not engage with the "a" if they are under the influence.....

tigger11

Just so you know, getting a restraining order isn't necessarily easy. There are forms to fill out, lawyers to consult... it even has to go to court and be okay'd by a judge before one can be issued. There have to be "grounds" from the judge's perspective, for a restraining order to be issued. It's up to you to show that he is a danger to you and/or your children. Not saying it's impossible, just that it's not as easy as you might hope when YOU feel terrified. I think that the judge has to consider that, once a person has had a restraining order issued against them, it's a big blemish on their own record/life. Also, and this probably isn't the case for you, if they're a non-citizen, they will get deported.

You should also know that, once a restraining order is issued, your best bet is to go completely no-contact. If you start interacting with him after one has been issued, it makes people (cops, lawyers, judges) wonder if you really needed one after all.

Don't let this discourage you, though. For me, I hate going into something thinking that it'll be easy, or that people will just "get it", and then they don't. That's why I wanted to share this with you.

If you're in danger, and it certainly sounds as though you are, just go in with eyes wide open. There are few things worse than fearing for your own safety, or that of your children.

Hugs and hopes that this'll turn out GREAT for you in the long run!
Tigger

LexieCat

Um, didn't you say he SIGNED the papers? So file them. Presumably there is a clause in there telling him he has the right to have them reviewed by a lawyer. If he signed anyway, knowing that, his rights have been covered.

Right now, I don't see that he has done anything to warrant getting a restraining order. Do you need protection? I totally get how upsetting his behavior is, but what you have described here probably isn't any violation of the law.

If I were you, I think I'd just try to get this wrapped up as quickly as possible. You are being more than fair to him, so ignore the guilt trips. My second husband pulled the same "poor me" crap--he said he would sign the papers if I agreed to stop using his name. I said, "FYI what I choose to call myself is none of your business--sign, don't sign, it's up to you, but this thing is happening regardless of whether you choose to cooperate." He signed. Done deal, and I have ZERO remorse because I, like you, was more than fair.