How can telling the truth hurt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
How can telling the truth hurt
After months of going no contact with exbf or his sister or any of his family or mutual friends his sisters send me a message that its my fault that he is serving 20 days in jail because I didn't keep insurance and reregistration in the car when he crash and he didn't have a drivers licenses.
I was going along my merry way forgetting about them and my past. Then she contacted me. I was so enraged that I told her to only contact me when both of them are in active recovery which means no drinking or smoking pot for at least a year. I also said to her that she was not doing what was right for her daughter as my ex now has a new girlfriend who is staying in the house. I told her having her brother take her home for a motel is not right I mean 3 women in less than 10 months?
I questioned her decisions as a mother and told her she needs to stop leaching off her parents and only judge me when she can provide for her self and her daughter and her home without her parents doing it for her.
After letting all that go I felt bad and apologized for saying she was not a good mom. It made me feel horrible. She is an amazing mom who makes some questionable decisions like letting so many different women in and out of her child's life. But i realize its none of my business the child is and has always been safe but emotionally I think its not the best thing to do.
Even thou most of the things I said were true why do I feel horrible? I am not even in the US and this happens, i have tried almost even thing to remove myself and still I am the bad guy. Just venting sorry
I was going along my merry way forgetting about them and my past. Then she contacted me. I was so enraged that I told her to only contact me when both of them are in active recovery which means no drinking or smoking pot for at least a year. I also said to her that she was not doing what was right for her daughter as my ex now has a new girlfriend who is staying in the house. I told her having her brother take her home for a motel is not right I mean 3 women in less than 10 months?
I questioned her decisions as a mother and told her she needs to stop leaching off her parents and only judge me when she can provide for her self and her daughter and her home without her parents doing it for her.
After letting all that go I felt bad and apologized for saying she was not a good mom. It made me feel horrible. She is an amazing mom who makes some questionable decisions like letting so many different women in and out of her child's life. But i realize its none of my business the child is and has always been safe but emotionally I think its not the best thing to do.
Even thou most of the things I said were true why do I feel horrible? I am not even in the US and this happens, i have tried almost even thing to remove myself and still I am the bad guy. Just venting sorry
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Her words hurt you and you struck back. Was that wrong? Certainly. Was it okay for her to hurt you? Certainly not.
She's sick and perhaps if this happens again let her words go without response. You were doing well with no contact. It might be good to go no contact again.
If you feel you owe her an apology for saying hurtful things (even if they were true), then maybe do that first and let her know that because your relationship with him and with her turn toxic each time, you won't be responding again...and don't.
Hugs
She's sick and perhaps if this happens again let her words go without response. You were doing well with no contact. It might be good to go no contact again.
If you feel you owe her an apology for saying hurtful things (even if they were true), then maybe do that first and let her know that because your relationship with him and with her turn toxic each time, you won't be responding again...and don't.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
Just wanted to add maybe she needed the truth....I never held back stating the truth....if it is somewhat hurtful...u didn't create that circumstance, she and or her brother did so another words....if its hard for them to look in the mirror than they should avoid u! 
don't feel bad!
don't feel bad!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
was that TRUTH or your opinion? speaking the truth means we speak OUR truth, what I have done....telling others what we think of what THEY are doing or have done is not truth, it is OPINION. in 12 step programs it's called taking some one else's inventory.
you had the choice to IMMEDIATELY stop contact if you did not want contact.
a buddy of ours called at 6:12 this morning! on Saturday??? he called again at 9. after our NAP hank called and said what the heck? he said, well you guys are usually up early......yes except it was a late night for both of us and we were sleeping IN!
we could not prevent him from calling. yes we could have disconnected the phone before we went to sleep. but NO we did not have to ANSWER the phone when it rang. or when it rang the second time. when WE wanted to, WE contacted the other person.
yes they may call, they may send emails or texts. they may send a letter. they may show up on our doorstep. we can't control what THEY do. we can't expect others to always respect our boundaries. they are OUR boundaries after all.........
you had the choice to IMMEDIATELY stop contact if you did not want contact.
a buddy of ours called at 6:12 this morning! on Saturday??? he called again at 9. after our NAP hank called and said what the heck? he said, well you guys are usually up early......yes except it was a late night for both of us and we were sleeping IN!
we could not prevent him from calling. yes we could have disconnected the phone before we went to sleep. but NO we did not have to ANSWER the phone when it rang. or when it rang the second time. when WE wanted to, WE contacted the other person.
yes they may call, they may send emails or texts. they may send a letter. they may show up on our doorstep. we can't control what THEY do. we can't expect others to always respect our boundaries. they are OUR boundaries after all.........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Honey, you know who's fault it is that he is going to jail.
That is all you need to know.
And now you know for sure, if you have any contact with the x, the sister, or anyone else involved, all parties will get hurt, angry, spiteful and it's just not good.
They will never see anyone but you as the bad guy, because they are sick.
Keep going, away, from, him, in all ways.
That is all you need to know.
And now you know for sure, if you have any contact with the x, the sister, or anyone else involved, all parties will get hurt, angry, spiteful and it's just not good.
They will never see anyone but you as the bad guy, because they are sick.
Keep going, away, from, him, in all ways.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Hurt people...hurt people.
Instead of saying call me when you're sober, don't make it easy for toxic people to contact you at all. Block emails, phone numbers, texts, and social media. He's your EX. What they think of you is none of your business.
Instead of saying call me when you're sober, don't make it easy for toxic people to contact you at all. Block emails, phone numbers, texts, and social media. He's your EX. What they think of you is none of your business.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Cynical is right.
As far as social media goes, if you block someone you 'disappear' to their
searches.First thing they do is get a friend to search for you.When the friend
can 'see' you on FB.........it sends a loud and unmistakable message:
YOU ARE BLOCKED.
As far as social media goes, if you block someone you 'disappear' to their
searches.First thing they do is get a friend to search for you.When the friend
can 'see' you on FB.........it sends a loud and unmistakable message:
YOU ARE BLOCKED.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
After months of going no contact with exbf or his sister or any of his family or mutual friends his sisters send me a message that its my fault that he is serving 20 days in jail because I didn't keep insurance and reregistration in the car when he crash and he didn't have a drivers licenses.
I questioned her decisions as a mother and told her she needs to stop leaching off her parents and only judge me when she can provide for her self and her daughter and her home without her parents doing it for her.
My hope for you is to recognize when people don't know any better, you let it go. In the case of his sister, assume she doesn't know any better, therefore whatever she does, let it go. It doesn't do you any good to engage with such a person...
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is very hard to stand all by yourself while a toxic group of people are ganging up on you. And families of addiction can circle the wagons (meaning, outsiders are harshly judged and blamed) better than any sorts of families I know.
So I have great sympathy for you, because their vampire energy reaches right through the phone line and infects you, causing you to react defensively and emotionally and then later feel ashamed for what you have said or done. This is a very typical pattern when someone becomes involved with an individual who is sick or a family system that is sick.
Take a deep breath. Realize that you were/are a lone figure on the sand and they are the typhoon that can come along and sweep you away.
You are much better and more valuable than you think, and you have, I'm sure, beautiful qualities that genuine and healthy people will love in you.
So just find safe shelter from that sick family, find people to bring into your life who are not dangerous to you, and heal from this very painful episode in your life.
You have no reason to feel shame in this. Please just block them all, and release yourself from their poison.
So I have great sympathy for you, because their vampire energy reaches right through the phone line and infects you, causing you to react defensively and emotionally and then later feel ashamed for what you have said or done. This is a very typical pattern when someone becomes involved with an individual who is sick or a family system that is sick.
Take a deep breath. Realize that you were/are a lone figure on the sand and they are the typhoon that can come along and sweep you away.
You are much better and more valuable than you think, and you have, I'm sure, beautiful qualities that genuine and healthy people will love in you.
So just find safe shelter from that sick family, find people to bring into your life who are not dangerous to you, and heal from this very painful episode in your life.
You have no reason to feel shame in this. Please just block them all, and release yourself from their poison.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
Thank you all for the responses I fell like I am sitting around my dinner table talking to my family when I come to SR. Ann as soon as I sent her the ugly messages I did quickly apologized as I said to her, I get nasty when I feel I am being attacked for no reason. I know my words had some truth to it just because she give her kid more material things than any kids needs doesn't make her a good parent. I know she will do anything for her child but she just cannot see having all different people in and out of her life will somehow affect her. Not my place because its not my kid. I left her in God's hand when I left DE,
Anvil its part truth part opinion. And yes i did not have to respond to her but I did and it only made he hurt. I have deleted my Facebook account changed my phone number blocked my emails tried everything but somehow they still seem to find me and I think I know who my true friends are now. Here comes more people I am shutting the door on.
As Zoso said in his post about his ex getting married, my ex now has a new girl but it does not bother me it did for a day or two but not anymore, poor girl her new BF for only about a month is gone for 20 days in jail what does that say about her I really dont care. I am beginning to have no feeling for them no hate no love no nothing, I could care less if he is doing 20 days, 1000 days lifetime or none at all, if he is happy, sad, angry nothing, I dont wish ill on them but if it comes its what they deserve. I just dont even want to think of them or eve remember the happy, or sad times with them I just want to pretend it never happened but i will continue to grow and learn from it.
Anvil its part truth part opinion. And yes i did not have to respond to her but I did and it only made he hurt. I have deleted my Facebook account changed my phone number blocked my emails tried everything but somehow they still seem to find me and I think I know who my true friends are now. Here comes more people I am shutting the door on.
As Zoso said in his post about his ex getting married, my ex now has a new girl but it does not bother me it did for a day or two but not anymore, poor girl her new BF for only about a month is gone for 20 days in jail what does that say about her I really dont care. I am beginning to have no feeling for them no hate no love no nothing, I could care less if he is doing 20 days, 1000 days lifetime or none at all, if he is happy, sad, angry nothing, I dont wish ill on them but if it comes its what they deserve. I just dont even want to think of them or eve remember the happy, or sad times with them I just want to pretend it never happened but i will continue to grow and learn from it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
what we think of what THEY are doing or have done is not truth, it is OPINION. in 12 step programs it's called taking some one else's inventory.
Thank you!
I never heard that before. That is something I will have to deal with. So easy to think about my A when I'm an A myself. I'm recovering with no alcohol this weekend and just in a fog not even knowing what to do next for what is wrong with me. But I've had some good ideas she should consider... 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
To blame you means that they don't have to accept he is an addict. It's easier. I don't talk to my xah's family for a reason. I will never forget his mother telling me that she didn't think he was an addict. I was furious. This after 8 months of hell dealing with financial and emotional abandonment and major betrayal. This is how she had to cope. She had to block out reality and pretend we just got divorced because it just didn't work out, and who knows how she rationalized his cheating. I couldn't and wouldn't take it. I had to go no contact with her. Also, I had to think about my son. I didn't want him to hear, see or be a part of this enabling and denial. No. His father (rally sperm donor) is on drugs. He will not only understand the truth, but he will be educated in addiction. I will not deny it...pretend it isn't there. It is ridiculous!
If he is a grown man, he can worry about such matters. YOU take care of YOU!
Why do you feel horrible? Beause you lashed out of anger? I canot tell you how many times that my addict pushed me up against the wall and I said some nasty things. Mistakes help you grow. Don't be too hard on yourself. She came at you unjustly it sounds.
Get the toxic out of your life for good!
If he is a grown man, he can worry about such matters. YOU take care of YOU!
Why do you feel horrible? Beause you lashed out of anger? I canot tell you how many times that my addict pushed me up against the wall and I said some nasty things. Mistakes help you grow. Don't be too hard on yourself. She came at you unjustly it sounds.
Get the toxic out of your life for good!
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