butterfly2013

Hi everyone,

After an unhelpful therapy session with a Marriage and Family therapist (I ended up feeling more confused after the session...I suppose I need to keep making appointments with different therapists until I click with the right one?), I wanted to put these questions/concerns out here for the wonderful SR community.

I posted here about getting full custody of my son a few days ago. Well, since then, my AXBF calls three times a day (at 9AM, noon, and 6PM) to "talk with our son." However, because our son is three years old, my son mostly says things like, "Hi, Dad! I like coloring, I like McQueen, I like Thomas the Train!" and so forth. So I honestly think three calls a day is a bit excessive. However, I know folks here mentioned that we don't need to make our boundries clear to others. What about my case? I think him calling three times a day is less about talking with our son, and more about trying to exert control on me/finding out what I'm doing. He also says he calls to "make sure you guys are okay" which makes my skin crawl because I did everything in my power to get myself and our son *away* from him, so where is this so-called caring attitude coming from?

Second, I know I have mentioned this in several of my threads as well, but I'm also at a loss about how to handle my XABF and his wife, who was just appointed as the supervisor for my ex's supervised visitation. (For what it's worth, the Marriage and Family therapist to simply not say anything which is another way of saying "Just let it go.") Although I know this mess is all my ex's fault (i.e. he had the responsibility to tell me that was carrying on a relationship with the woman he cheated on me wtith, that he introduced her to our son without my knowledge, that our son attended their wedding without my knowledge---he simply just did not tell me any of this).

So yes, this is my ex's responsibility, what what about the new wife's complicity? They have their first visitation next weekend, and that will be the first time I will ever be face to face with her. I can't imagine simply saying, "Hello" and handing off my child to them without letting her know where she stands in my eyes. I will not be disrespectful to her, but I feel that I should let her know that her actions are simply not right, especially as they relate to my son. (This woman thought she could be my child's stepmother without speaking with me, because that is exactly what she did.) I know things are now different since we are moving forward with her supervising my ex's visitation, but should I simply let go of the past?

Lastly, I have been fighting the urge to ask my ex whether he has decided to quit drinking or attend AA. The judge did not order my ex to enroll in any treatment or require him to take random alcohol tests, but after the hearing my lawyer advised my ex that he should enroll in order to show the judge at the next hearing that my ex is taking his alcohol problem seriously. Actually, as I am writing this out, I don't know why I am bothering to write about this because my ex lies so much about his alcohol abuse anyway. He even lied to the judge's face about it!

Agh! I'm just so frustrated. I guess I am worried about this because after my ex got his DUI, he did not stop drinking but he simply forced his drinking buddies to drive instead while he kept getting plastered. Hence, he has not gotten any more DUIs so on paper he doesn't look that bad. Now that my ex only gets supervised visitation, I'm sure he will not show up drunk/hungover or drink alcohol during his visitation. Hence, he will look good on paper. But cutting back isn't the same thing as recovery, right??

I think I am giving him too much space in my head and worrying about things I cannot control. What is the AA saying? "More will be revealed?" I take comfort in the fact that I have full custody of my son. In fact, I am taking my son to visit with my family in my hometown and we have plans to see so many family and friends. We have much to celebrate!

Neagrm

The new wife is the supervisor? Isn't that a conflict of interest? I'm not familiar with how this works, but someone else will be by shortly who probably does. I'd be concerned too.

Calling 3 times a day, to me, seems excessive, obsessive, and I'd consider it harrassment (controlling). Just my opinion. I haven't had to deal with this situation and am just sharing my natural response and thoughts about it; so I hope someone else chimes in soon.

Best wishes to you as you work out a difficult situation.

ClearLight

Huh? I would ask your lawyer why he/she is giving free legal advice to your ex. Additionally I would remind your lawyer of their job to advocate on your behalf to REDUCE the amount of visitation time with your ex.
They should also be working to change the situation of the new wife supervising your ex during visitation.
Calling three times a day? No. Isn't there something in the custody settlement that would limit the number of calls per week?
Sounds like you may need a better lawyer.
He has not decided to quit - that's guaranteed.
That would probably feel great but what would it accomplish?

butterfly2013

Sigh. This is just a never-ending process, right?

The judge did not order any phone calls in the custody order, so my lawyer said calls are up to me and to just keep a call log. However, this morning, my ex called and I told him I would prefer if he calls only once a day. He said, "Whatever, bro, you are just pushing me away," and hung up. Well, at least I got my message across.

After speaking with a few of my friends, I decided to not say anything to his new wife when they have their first visit this weekend. I don't want to give them any more power. It's probably better just to put on a mask of steel and show no emotion whatsoever. Also, it's better not to say anything because I don't want my words to come bite me in the butt.

I'm going to get a second opinion from another lawyer today regarding the ex as the supervisor.

Thanks for your replies, Neagrm and ClearLight!

ClearLight

Sunnshine-

You are an inspiration to me. I'm a recovering alchie. Thank God I was confined to hurting only myself.

Reading about your struggle makes me want to live the sober life even more.

You go girl!

atalose

What are your expectations regarding therapy? What do you feel a therapist should be doing for you?

If you have gone to court and supervised visits have been established what was stated or resolved regarding these daily phone calls?

The thing about boundaries….you can set a boundary for yourself such as….I am no longer going to deal with drama queens…then just stay clear of those people in your life…you don’t’ have to announce to each drama queen that you are not going to deal with it any longer…you just don’t deal with it.


But sometimes stating a clear boundary is necessary. Like telling your exbf that daily phone calls are not working for you and that he can call on Tuesday and Thursday nights at 6:30PM. Other wise you will no longer answer his calls unless it is at that time.


Not sure why his new wife is the supervisor for his visits, but you are still jealous and bitter and telling her off is not worth your time and really is not in the best interest of your son.

And yes you are allowing him to live rent free in your head, time for an eviction!!!!

ClearLight

That should read: "butterfly2013 - You are..."

Getting names mixed up AGAIN!

butterfly2013

Hi atalose, thanks for your thoughts!

In terms of therapy, I just don't think that this therapist was a fit for me because she kept making racist assumptions about Latino culture (I'm Latina so her comments were really offensive to me) and within the first ten minutes, she asked if I wanted a referral to a psychiatrist in order to try medication (even though I never even said anything about that). I would like to work with a Marriage and Family therapist who has lots of experience working with addiction/alcoholism, because this one clearly didn't. Overall, the session with this particular therapist just did not work for me.

Since my ex has reluctantly agreed to make only one phone call a day, I'm hoping that the problem has been resolved. I also e-mailed him our arrangement, just to make sure that I have that paper trail. I don't know why the judge didn't stipulate anything about phone calls in the order? It's strange to me as well.

I don't want to tell the wife off, cuss her out, or anything like that. Not at all. I am very upset that she carried on a relationship with my son behind my back and that she was also fine with my son attending her wedding without my knowledge and she is also fine with my ex's alcoholism or else she wouldn't have married him (which is why I didn't want her as the supervisor in the first place). But does that all still come off as jealousy? I'm not jealous that she is with an alcoholic who is physically abusive and who is a compulsive cheater and liar. Actually, this was the topic I wanted to talk through with my therapist, but my therapist's racist comments made me shut down and I don't think I got anywhere.

Lastly, I had a second consultation with a different lawyer today and he said he would have absolutely brought up the fraudulent marriage and physical abuse allegations at the hearing/in my case. However, if I file a motion with a different lawyer (my current lawyer is unwilling to pursue anything regarding changing the wife's role as supervisor) and present this new information to the court, then the judge will wonder why I didn't say this in the first place. But the current lawyer kept telling me that this didn't even matter, which is why I didn't say anything about the marriage/the wife. But then the second lawyer I spoke with today said that my prime window of opportunity already passed at the temporary custody hearing, and even if I go ahead and file a new motion with this new information to the judge, my credibility will be hurt because this information should have been in my case already. AHHHH. I'm so frustrated!

Springs

butterfly - your new lawyer sounds like he/she is adding to your stress instead of helping you navigate this difficult process and it doesn't sound like the current lawyer is listening to you that much either. I hope you can find a lawyer you trust and then you two can muddle through it the best you both can. I don't know anything about family court, but most things don't all rise and fall on any one piece of information. Good luck.

theuncertainty

Hugs, Butterfly. I'm still reading and processing, but wanted to let you know that in my divorce hearing, AXH's then-GF was appointed a visitation supervisor, along with my xSIL and xFIL, by the court. They were supposed to report to the court any drinking (or abusive behavior) by AXH. I still don't really understand the reasoning, but there it is.

I think it's completely reasonable to set boundaries on phone calls. I don't take calls during meals, no calls while driving... From any one. I certainly wouldn't make exceptions for AXH. After he started no-showing, and after his GF kicked him out, I told him DS would be available for calls *these* days from x to x pm (after dinner and before bedtime).

I had agreed to allowing xSIL and xFIL supervise visits during the temporary custody and DV protective order hearing. I was also advised that the court probably wouldn't rescind that without justification.

That being said, it is currently rescinded: they failed to report AXH's drinking and it only came to light when the GF filed for a protective order against AXH and outlined his drinking in her filing.

The GF was AXHs then-new enabler and his new abuse target. Continuing to journal the issues that came up (getting calls from her to come get DS because AXH was 'in a mood', no-shows, etc.) was necessary.

Hang in there. As hard as it is to believe, the situation will change. He'll get tired of acting like a responsible father, she'll realize he's not going to stop drinking no matter how much she loves him, she might get tired shouldering all his responsibilities.... It'll change. If he sounds drunk when he calls, journal it. If he appears intoxicated at pick-up or drop-off journal it.

theuncertainty

I'm sorry that your therapist was not helpful. The best help I've gotten in therapy was from a counsellor specializing in working with PTSD, DV survivors and relationship issues. Knowledge about addictions and alcoholism was helpful, but hasn't been the main focus of our work.

I'm glad you decided to forego addressing the new wife with your concerns about her participation in your Ex's cheating and lies. I get it, believe me, and I understand its not coming from a jealousy-I-want-him-back standpoint, but no matter how you put it to her, that's what she'll hear. When I tried to thank AXH's GF, at the start of her supervisory duties, for agreeing to watch over and protect DS, she took it as the vindictive jealous ex-wife getting a dig in on her wonderful man.

GF wasn't OK with AXH's drinking and abusive behavior. She didn't believe he was. She believed it was my fault; she believed his stories that I drove him to it. She believed he would be different for her, because she wouldn't be so uncaring as I was; she was stronger; she was smarter; she would never LET a man treat her that way and so he wouldn't.

She learned the truth about AXH, but based her final e-mail to me, she still thought I was naive (weak, stupid) enough to want him back. *shrug*.

What others think of me isn't my business. And just like I couldn't convince AXH that he needs to stop drinking, I couldn't control the GF's erroneous belief that AXH would be better with her because they 'truly' loved each other.

wicked

This is so important, the situation will change, and you will be surprised at how quickly things degenerate when he is actively drinking.
My ex was the same, his new codependent gf dropped him after a few months and a
couple "no shows" at her house!
He would pick up the kids, drop them off with her (thank god they were safe, I appreciate her) and then took off for who knows where!
I know she was cheating with him on you, but think if your were in her place.
Keep your head high and your side of the street clean.
I talked to my ex's gf, to make sure the kids were okay.
She was a lovely person who loved my children.
I felt bad for her, my ex was very very ill and irresponsible.

Beth

Just something to think about.
And wow! A racist therapist! Geeze that sucks.
Keep looking, you will find a good one.
If you want it, it will happen.

ClearLight

--Good to hear you've contacted a second lawyer. That lawyer sounds better than the first one - more of an advocate for your interests. I still wonder why the first one was giving advice to your AXBF (my lawyer advised my ex that he should enroll in order to show the judge at the next hearing that my ex is taking his alcohol problem seriously).

--I had to talk to several therapists before I found one that was a good fit for me.

butterfly2013

Thank you, everyone! All of these comments helped so much. Your support means so much to me.

One of the things I am struggling with is identifying what my Higher Power is and giving up control over things/people/situations I don't have any control over. In terms of supervised visitation, my ex has shown over and over again that he *always* messes things up...and it's sad to say, but he will probably screw up somehow with drinking/domestic violence/no-shows or *something* in the next six months before our next hearing.

Rather than wringing my hands over what he does during visitation or worrying about whether or not he actually is seeking treatment for alcoholism, I need to focus on what I can do to become healthier (like finding the right therapist for me) and improving things for our son and I.

TheUncertainty and wicked, I keep re-reading your comments. Your advice is so true because it is cutting right to the bone of what I am feeling/thinking. "He'll get tired of acting like a responsible father..." As sad as it is, I also believe that will be the case.

Thank you again!

Edited to add: This was much more helpful than my ill-fated therapy session!)