my wife is in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hurst, Texas
Posts: 5
my wife is in rehab
Me and my wife have been together for 9 years. She has had issues with alcohol for the last 6 years. She just started rehab in FL. We live in Texas. She has been there for a week. She has gone through detox and she has started therapy. I have been talking to her via telephone. Whenever we talk it seems like she doesn't want to talk to me at all. Even today she didn't tell me that she loved me or even bye. This is weighing so heavy on my heart. We have three children and I am out here in the real world dealing with everything. I fully understand how difficult this is for her, but I am just worried that she has lost interest or thought or care for me and our family.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Or at least she did. The shirt, I mean. Says "rehab is for quitters," or something like that.
Match on the three kids part, too.
Same part of the world as you, too, and Mrs. Hammer is back from Florida rehab about 6 months, now. Still a space case in many aspects. Our family support from the rehab center was absolute crap.
In general, rehabbers without a well integrated family plan become and come back as a total mess -- as you are experiencing and reasonably anticipating more of the same. Since the rehab centers tend to be pretty crappy in this regard, this is most common.
But I would suggest you start with the side of the equation you can work on. You. You in Alanon (etc.) yet? Good place to start.
Welcome Home, btw. Strange Land you have found yourself in, now, but the natives are friendly. Most everyone here has been through some slice of where you are.
Match on the three kids part, too.
Same part of the world as you, too, and Mrs. Hammer is back from Florida rehab about 6 months, now. Still a space case in many aspects. Our family support from the rehab center was absolute crap.
In general, rehabbers without a well integrated family plan become and come back as a total mess -- as you are experiencing and reasonably anticipating more of the same. Since the rehab centers tend to be pretty crappy in this regard, this is most common.
But I would suggest you start with the side of the equation you can work on. You. You in Alanon (etc.) yet? Good place to start.
Welcome Home, btw. Strange Land you have found yourself in, now, but the natives are friendly. Most everyone here has been through some slice of where you are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hurst, Texas
Posts: 5
I have tried to find an alanon group around me. But the website says there isn't one. Its rough. I am facing so many challenges with the bills and finances. Its like i am literally on my own.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by dfwtx 
I have tried to find an alanon group around me. But the website says there isn't one. Its rough. I am facing so many challenges with the bills and finances. Its like i am literally on my own.
Alanon-wise:
Here is your side of the Metro-Mess --
http://www.texas-al-anon.org/ftworth/meetings.htm
Here is my side (Dallas-ish) --
http://www.dallasal-anon.org/meetings.php
And whole State-wise:
http://www.texas-al-anon.org/meetings.htm
============
You may also find Alateen would be good for the kids.
What are their ages? (if you wish to say)
Ours are 11 y.o. (girl -- in Alateen, loves it), and 2 boys, ages 8 and 6.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty. You are among understanding friends. You will be at Alanon, as well.
My Number One Trick is to focus on My Number One Priority. Actually I have three. The kids. Same as likely you.
You can only have one number 1 priority. Learned that in Army Leadership. For me, now, the kids are the number 1 priority, to me.
It is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I always clearly know that Mrs. Hammer is NOT a number 1 priority.
Next I learned that I have to make ME a priority. Learned that in Alanon. Since ME has the role of keeping the kids the Number 1 priority, I have to take care of me to ensure the mission success of the Number 1. So I am Number 2. Mrs. Hammer is NOT a number 2 priority.
Mrs. Hammer (and your Mrs.) is not even benefited by my/your worrying about her. She has to be working on her on getting better. And with their Addict/Alcohol/Anorexia [Probably more Mrs. Hammer on that list than yours], minds --- now with their Drug of Choice removed --- working on themselves is About All They Can Handle. They are truly now "un-medicated" with their disorder still in play.
My Number One Trick is to focus on My Number One Priority. Actually I have three. The kids. Same as likely you.
You can only have one number 1 priority. Learned that in Army Leadership. For me, now, the kids are the number 1 priority, to me.
It is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I always clearly know that Mrs. Hammer is NOT a number 1 priority.
Next I learned that I have to make ME a priority. Learned that in Alanon. Since ME has the role of keeping the kids the Number 1 priority, I have to take care of me to ensure the mission success of the Number 1. So I am Number 2. Mrs. Hammer is NOT a number 2 priority.
Mrs. Hammer (and your Mrs.) is not even benefited by my/your worrying about her. She has to be working on her on getting better. And with their Addict/Alcohol/Anorexia [Probably more Mrs. Hammer on that list than yours], minds --- now with their Drug of Choice removed --- working on themselves is About All They Can Handle. They are truly now "un-medicated" with their disorder still in play.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
At least yours is in rehab...
I have 4 kids now, and AW is only now going to meetings because its 'its something I want her to do'. I told her if she doesn't believe she has a problem, then she's wasting her time, and don't do anything for me.
Basically, she and I are all but separated while living under the same roof.
But my focus has been on The Lord, my kids and me. I don't have anything left emotionally to give her, and if I did, I'd rather save it up to for the kids.
She's been upset at small stuff, and I don't even care anymore about that.
Sucks to live with that kind of turn-switch that has to be used on the person I made a vow with, but its been 6/7 years now and I think I'm tapped out.
Just understand, amigo, it'll be tough but you will survive this. I keep thinking of my mother who had to take care of 4 kids(one with special needs) when my dad died, and she did it. She also lived through WWII and lost all her family but she never gave up.
Your in my prayers, and He's proved to me so many times that He listens!
God bless you, and everyone else here.
Basically, she and I are all but separated while living under the same roof.
But my focus has been on The Lord, my kids and me. I don't have anything left emotionally to give her, and if I did, I'd rather save it up to for the kids.
She's been upset at small stuff, and I don't even care anymore about that.
Sucks to live with that kind of turn-switch that has to be used on the person I made a vow with, but its been 6/7 years now and I think I'm tapped out.
Just understand, amigo, it'll be tough but you will survive this. I keep thinking of my mother who had to take care of 4 kids(one with special needs) when my dad died, and she did it. She also lived through WWII and lost all her family but she never gave up.
Your in my prayers, and He's proved to me so many times that He listens!
God bless you, and everyone else here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Hurst, Texas
Posts: 5
Thank y'all so much. Its been a rough 6 days since my AW went to rehab. I know it will only get more rough before it gets better. I go to work and after its kids and daddy time. I try to make things happy for them but when bed time rolls around I am tormented. Its so hard being alone in bed at night after 9 years of having her there.
Hammer...thank you for your words of wisdom. My kids are my main focus. They haven't left my side. I call them 3 or 4 times a day when I am at work. I love them so much. I am just worried that when she comes back it will be much harder for them.
Spinner...its hard with things lately. I have been in church and was actually raised that way. I don't know where to turn anymore. Thank you for your kind words and for having us in your prayers.
Hammer...thank you for your words of wisdom. My kids are my main focus. They haven't left my side. I call them 3 or 4 times a day when I am at work. I love them so much. I am just worried that when she comes back it will be much harder for them.
Spinner...its hard with things lately. I have been in church and was actually raised that way. I don't know where to turn anymore. Thank you for your kind words and for having us in your prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear dfwtx, there is a website that has some good articles addressing early recovery (for alcoholic and spouse). It is peggyferguson.marriage-family.com. It is a big website. Look for the articles on the addicted family on the left-hand side of the homepage.
One hears, over and over that the alcoholic is overwhelmed and terrified at dealing with feelings without their main coping mechanism--and that are pretty much unable to focus on anyone or anything else but themselves. Also, that this is very difficult for the partner--sometimes m ore difficult than the original drinking.
My oldest son is in his first year of recovery. Thank god that he is living several states away--so that I can detach, detach, detach from him. His emotions seem to be all over the board.
You have got to be tough--or at least tenacious as H***, or you would not have gotten this far. It is o.k. to lean on those who have gone before you and take advantage of their experience.
You will work you way through this. One day at a time.
sincerely, dandylion
One hears, over and over that the alcoholic is overwhelmed and terrified at dealing with feelings without their main coping mechanism--and that are pretty much unable to focus on anyone or anything else but themselves. Also, that this is very difficult for the partner--sometimes m ore difficult than the original drinking.
My oldest son is in his first year of recovery. Thank god that he is living several states away--so that I can detach, detach, detach from him. His emotions seem to be all over the board.
You have got to be tough--or at least tenacious as H***, or you would not have gotten this far. It is o.k. to lean on those who have gone before you and take advantage of their experience.
You will work you way through this. One day at a time.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
A couple of thing's that I did when my XAH was in rehab....
#1. I didnt go to Alanon at first because I didnt even know what Alanon was
#2. I spent hours and hours on this site, reading and pouring out my thoughts
and questions to people who understood what I was going thru.
#3. Searched in the internet over and over and read books about alcoholism
#4. Cried, didn't eat, couldn't focus, lost weight, couldn't sleep, wished, hoped
and basically become a walking zombie
#5. and still wanted to believe...it wasn't happening to me!
It takes time to figure out who you are, where your at, whats going to happen,
let alone plan a meal for your kids. I heard this over and over "ONE DAY AT A TIME"
I know you will read that and hear that quote over and over on this site and in books, but it's one that I had to repeat to myself over and over on the days I fell apart, which was alot of days!
Dont be hard on yourself and expect a miracle overnight with her phone calls
or visits or expectations of what, if, how when she comes home......
It's all a waiting game....I waited like a puppy dog at the back door for my XAH to walk in and be "normal, cured and no longer an alcoholic" -
Years later...He's still an alcoholic,
he never moved home, and he still lives in complete denial that he has a problem.
Me, Well... I took a different path and I no longer live in that chaos and confusion.
But it didn't happen overnight.......and remember, it's up to you - what YOU - want to do with your life!...just as the same as it is for her life and sobriety.
I wish the best and my heart is with you, it's a rough road that all of us have traveled!
But it does get better....
#1. I didnt go to Alanon at first because I didnt even know what Alanon was
#2. I spent hours and hours on this site, reading and pouring out my thoughts
and questions to people who understood what I was going thru.
#3. Searched in the internet over and over and read books about alcoholism
#4. Cried, didn't eat, couldn't focus, lost weight, couldn't sleep, wished, hoped
and basically become a walking zombie
#5. and still wanted to believe...it wasn't happening to me!
It takes time to figure out who you are, where your at, whats going to happen,
let alone plan a meal for your kids. I heard this over and over "ONE DAY AT A TIME"
I know you will read that and hear that quote over and over on this site and in books, but it's one that I had to repeat to myself over and over on the days I fell apart, which was alot of days!
Dont be hard on yourself and expect a miracle overnight with her phone calls
or visits or expectations of what, if, how when she comes home......
It's all a waiting game....I waited like a puppy dog at the back door for my XAH to walk in and be "normal, cured and no longer an alcoholic" -
Years later...He's still an alcoholic,
he never moved home, and he still lives in complete denial that he has a problem.
Me, Well... I took a different path and I no longer live in that chaos and confusion.
But it didn't happen overnight.......and remember, it's up to you - what YOU - want to do with your life!...just as the same as it is for her life and sobriety.
I wish the best and my heart is with you, it's a rough road that all of us have traveled!
But it does get better....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi there and welcome.
Six days is just that six days, she is probably still in withdrawal, she is a mess.
Focus on you, because right now you is all your kids have, and they need you.
Try to let go of her issues and focus on what is important, you and your children.
Try to get a real feel for the reality of alcoholism.
Keep posting, Katie
Six days is just that six days, she is probably still in withdrawal, she is a mess.
Focus on you, because right now you is all your kids have, and they need you.
Try to let go of her issues and focus on what is important, you and your children.
Try to get a real feel for the reality of alcoholism.
Keep posting, Katie
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