LaughAway

My AH is approaching his 90th day of sobriety, at least that is what he is telling his sponsor, friends, family, and the therapist. He has admitted to me that during his period of “sobriety” he has consumed alcohol on 3 separate occasions. My response to him was that he cannot consider himself sober for that period of time if he had a drink at any point. He explained to me that it was only 3 times and then proceeds to share with me how much he consumed on each occasion. I disagree with his thought process but I do realize that this is his own personal journey and each person has to find their own way. I do not intend to interfere because I know that I cannot change the situation.

Does that make me an enabler because I am not telling anyone? A small part of me says “yes, you are enabling”. But the larger part of me says “You can’t control what he decides to do, it’s out of my hands”.

choublak

Other people will come to figure out that he's lying. Although the only one he's really lying to is himself.

lillamy

My five cents?

It's his life, his choices, his lying-about-recovery. I am willing to bet money however that if he tells you he's been drinking on three occasions, it's not just three.

In that situation, I would start looking at my options.

LaughAway

[QUOTE= I am willing to bet money however that if he tells you he's been drinking on three occasions, it's not just three.[/QUOTE]

I am inclined to fully agree......I didn't ask nor did I push the issue.

dandylion

Dear LaughAway, Please add my 5 cents to lillamy's 5 cents.

More will be revealed. There is nothing you can (or should do). It will play itself out one way or another.

dandylion

Florence

You don't have to do anything with that information other than know it. Time will tell. Just put it in the queue along with all the other information you are gathering.

If asked, you don't have to corroborate his story.

Justfor1

Surprisingly enough, this is not a uncommon thing to do in the program. He may be embarrassed or he may not consider his slip a full blown relapse. I once knew a man who had 7 years of sobriety yet he continued to smoke pot once in a while. True recovery from chronic addiction is not always solved by attending AA meetings.

LaughAway

It's frustrating, you know....to just watch him tell the bold face lie or see how he proudly displays his sobriety chips. He told you me "You have to admit I'm doing better"....Geez, I have no response for that.

unsureoffuture

I agree it is not your job to police and report his drinking and will only serve to make you crazy if you continue to wonder how much when and how he is drinking. It s his path, his choices and he will have to live with the consequences. I know it is so hard for us family members to accept but we are truly powerless over their choices. We just have to let go and put it in our HP's hands.

Maylie

There is nothing you can do to change the situation and exposing his lies will not change anything. I personally think that telling people he is not being truthful would be trying to create a certain outcome and therefore would be more of an enabling action than just letting the natural consequences of his actions occur. No matter how good people think they are at fibbing, in the end, the truth always comes out one way or another.

Keep focusing on yourself. He is obviously not in real recovery, but all you can do is control the way you react to him and others.

dandylion

Wow, LaughAway, I honestly don't know what I would say either! That is a tough one.

I think, maybe, I would stutter something like: "Well, dear, you know that recovery is an inside job" (that is an old AA saying).

??

dandylion

LaughAway

I had not intended to tell anyone because I didn't feel as though it was my place. This is his recovery and he has to find his own way thru. I just feel a little guilty because I KNOW...I suppose it is a good thing that he told me.

Perhaps Justfor1 is right...that maybe he is embarrased or he doesn't consider this a full slip.

Either way it's not for me to decide. Because I will get all wrapped up in the "crazy" if I keep pondering.

Either way

choublak

It sounds to me like he's "doing AA" for attention.

bi11fish

Hey we are alcoholics we lie cheat and steal when we are still using, he is still using, his dishonesty is his problem not yours. I would not encourage him and you can call him on his Sh**, as it relates to you relationship but his relationship with others is his problem.

Florence

Yeah, I wouldn't rush to tell anyone, but I wouldn't PROTECT him either. Call him out! There's no harm in it. There's no reason to agree to be lied to.

This is just another sign for you that he's not willing to do what it takes to save himself -- much less anything else in his life.

LaughAway

What would be the best way to address this at this that point? I seriously cringe every time he states he is almost 90 days sober (I hear liar, liar, pants on fire in my head every time)...I assume I could just ask him not to state his days of sobriety in my presence because I will not agree to be lied to...Any suggestions?

Florence

I'd just say "Whatever," or "Except for the 18 times you slipped," or "What does your sponsor say about your numerous slips?" or "I only count days in which drugs and alcohol weren't consumed," or "I can't listen to lectures on sobriety by people who are still using." Then leave the conversation. You don't have to state your boundaries to him -- he probably won't mind them anyway. Your boundaries are for you. I wouldn't, like, fist fight him over semantics, but there's no harm in opening your mouth and voicing an opposing opinion. It's not going to change his behavior, but asserting yourself in this way is a big deal. You get to disagree! You've probably been walking on eggshells. If you don't want to confront him, just file away this information into the internal filing cabinet marked "LIFE WITH ADDICTION" and when you need to pull this file later to remind yourself why you don't want to live with active addiction, it's in there.

I just read something on someone else's thread that said something like, "Just because someone says you're from Mars doesn't make you a Martian." I like that. Consider him crazy by choice i.e. crazy and choosing not to handle it by continuing drink instead of pursuing treatment. 1) He's nuts, so it follows that everything coming out of his mouth is nutty. 2) Eventually other people are also going to figure out he's nuts and not believe his stories either. 3) You can let that happen organically, without 4) corroborating his nutty stories or telling others to watch out. 5) You can help yourself hold onto non-crazy reality by telling the truth/your truth when necessary. You don't necessarily need to confront him, or give him a monologue about your boundaries, but if you feel like saying something, do it.

nytepassion

His recovery is just that .. His Recovery. I totally get where you are coming from and it would be hard for me to keep my mouth shut if I were in your position, however if in those 90 days he has stayed sober more then he has gotten drunk then that is a good thing. Hopefully he will come to an honest place in his recovery and one day be able to stand up and tell the truth. Mean while you just keep on keepin' on in your own recovery and no matter what he does or doesn't do you'll be okay

Passion
Recovering addict/alcoholic

LaughAway

I am attempting to stay strong and keep my nose where it belongs...On my Face...AH said I am knit picking and causing trouble in our relationship. He also mentioned that he is being honest with me and that's what counts. I suppose in some warped way he is making a good point about his honesty.

**nytepassion...you made a good point: he has been sober way more then he has been drunk and that is a good thing. And your also correct that I need to "keep on keepin' on in my own recovery. Thank you!

fourmaggie

well it is an HONEST PROGRAM....i would love to remind him of that....