mdcrab

Hi Everyone- new to this forum. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. For years we dealt with constant stress brought on by his crazy ex-wife. He drank (sometimes too much) when he felt stressed, typically before a court date, or when she was putting their kids in the middle etc. In some ways hating her gave us a lot to talk about and focus on. My husband also has chronic pain due to former sports injuries and convinced himself that drinking helped make him feel better. He hid his drinking from me for a long time (I knew he was drinking more than he should, but didn't realize how much more or how often). When I finally confronted him, he admitted that he should cut back or quit. We also drifted apart. His drinking became his priority. He had also been laid off from his job and had a difficult time finding and keeping any new jobs for the past several years. This really lowered his self esteem and confidence. He was angry and depressed a lot especially after a night of drinking and/or smoking pot. He has been taking an anti-depressant for the last several years which has helped with his temper, but when he drinks it almost nullifies it. He kept thinking (and telling me) that he really only drinks on the weekends, which was far from the truth. Last weekend, he was hammered Friday and Saturday night. I was convinced he was cheating on me. I didn't know what to do but decided to confront him. He said he knows he needs to quit drinking and was really shocked that I thought he was cheating. He also has a bad habit of lying to me (mostly to cover up how much he drank), however now I really don't think he was cheating. We had a great talk and he said he wanted to go to AA. He looked up meeting times and actually went tonight. He didn't go into the meeting but didn't drink or smoke pot either. He has been more affectionate to me since we talked Sunday. I'm proud of him and want more than anything to have the man I love back.
I guess one of my big fears is that I will not be part of his recovery. Also I know how selfish the alcohol made him and entering into recovery involves a lot of work that he will have to do on his own. I worry that it will cause him to push me away even more. Are these normal fears or am I being selfish? I want him to quit more than anything. I also want to have my marriage back. I have been the primary bread-winner, keeping our family together, making excuses, staying for the kids etc., and have felt so alone and taken for granted for several years. I hope he goes into the meeting tomorrow but also don't know what I will do if he doesn't start to get help. We have two pre-teens and I can't imagine staying in this marriage for the next 8-10 years.
Thank you in advance for any incite or advice.

Nighthawk8820

You are being a little co-dependent and selfish in one way, but are way to giving in another way. I feel you have lost yourself in taking care of everyone else and this has become your entire identity. His recovery is going to save his life, and to truly love someone, you have to put your own selfish needs or insecurities aside and sometimes take a back seat. Its difficult, but sometimes relationships are more toxic than we realize when in them. He is an addict, and you are addicted to him and being his caretaker. What about you and your life, what you want, your dreams and desires? Do they matter in any of this? You cannot live a full life if your entire identity is wrapped up in another person. You simply cannot be a whole individual living entirely through another person. Does that make sense?

least

I'm glad you're here but sorry for the mess you're having to deal with. We have a forum specially for people in your situation. Take a look and post your questions there for more insight from people who have been in your shoes.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

mdcrab

Thanks for your reply and sharing the link.