bonbon

You know, I just finished typing a long story about whats going on with me and my A, the latest horror story, but I decided to not to post it, I'm really just ranting and raving about myself. I am pissed at myself for feeling the way I do about myself.

I am really wondering why the hell I continue to put up with everything that I do. I will stop and say, I could just make him leave and everything would be ok. But then I have myself and all my ****** up thoughts I have about him all the time. The obsessing, the worrying , the obsessing, the co-dependency issues with myself. I HATE IT!!
I think too much, worry too much. I feel stuck. If I stay with him I feel like **** alot of the time because I am always worrying or obsessing. If he leaves I REALLY feel like ****. I am not liking myself today, I am also not liking the fact of what my mind has become, why cant I think rationally, and be strong? I laugh at myself now, because in the first years he and I were together, I used to say to him, "A Sane Woman would have left you a long time ago" I laugh now because I know I really cant be all together if I am putting up with and dealing with all that I am?

I am rambling, I know this, but I cant help the way I feel, I feel like I am trying to think about the program, I spent 2 hours last night reading Courage to Change..

I guess I am at the point where I am sick of myself today. Mad at myself too. Geeze overlook me today. But thats how messed up my thinking is usually.

Thanks for listening,
bonbon

Ann

Bonbon

I think you are hitting a "bottom" and the good news is the only way to go is "up".

It is okay to vent and get all that stored up garbage out in the open. But sooner or later we have to turn it over to the Higher Garbage Collector.

You are doing fine. Feeling the pain and insanity is part of our recovery too. We acknowledge it, feel it, share it, let go of it, and then we are ready to move ahead.

Hang in there girl, the gloves of denial are off and you're ready.

Hugs

bonbon

Anns, got a question, maybe its just me being me, but How can I let it go when I feel like I am constanly going in a circle with all the BS in my life? I just wish I could stop obsessing, I ask HP for help, I feel like I will have a few good weeks or days, then I am right back to square one. Geeze i dunno.

By the way, alot of this spawning from the fact my A's little other woman he was with while we were split in January, is turning up saying she is 4 months pregnant. Needless to say not a good damn day.

[This message has been edited by bonbon (edited May 15, 2002).]

Ann

Bonbon,

Sometimes the only way I can stop spinning is to get off the merry-go-round. Sometimes I have to physically take myself somewhere else away from the chaos. When my son lived with me, it was chaos every day. Even when things were okay, the potential for a bad day was always there like an elephant in my living room. I love him with all my heart, but he can't live at home - period.

I have times, like you, when I want to scream STOP!!ENOUGH!!I CAN'T TAKE IT!! That is when I know that "I" have to take some action. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sometimes I just ride the storm, but when I know that the storm will continue until I open my umbrella, then I do something to get out of the situation.

I wish I had a quick fix answer for you. Maybe someone else has some better advise. But my guess is that this situation is not going to get any better left as it is. (It seems to get worse now with pregnant lady and all).

If you have a sponsor, or friends from meetings, maybe they can help you too.

I will pray for you too, and I know that God always has a plan for us, but I guess sometimes He has to plant dynamite under us to get us to move in a better direction.

Hugs and Prayers

Ann

margo

Hi Bonbon - sorry to hear you are having such a rough time right now. There is an excellent post on the NA board by Pernell titled "Step Three" about turning things over to our HP and I brought it back up to the top for you. I found it fascinating and I thought it may be of help to you right now. Hang in there. Hugs.

[This message has been edited by margo (edited May 15, 2002).]

Debbie

Hey Bonbon,

I can truly relate. Even though I was trying to put myself first last night, I was still worrying and obsessing about my A. All day in work too. I don't like it. I think its easier said than done sometimes trying to turn it over but I keep giving it my best shot. One day at a time for me, and if I slip so be it. I will try again tomorrow

Take care of yourself, we are here if you need us

Hugs
Love
Debbie

JT

Bonbon,

Recovery is not always a pleasant thing to go through..and I have been where you are..wanting to run but smart enought to know that if you do YOU will be taking YOU with YOU. And do you know what? You are SOOOO smart to even get that!!! Not fun...but I believe that you may be at a turning point of some sort.

You have choices..and one of those choices is to to stay put until you know what to do.
You can kick back a bit and breath and read and pray (and pray some more) until you know what it is you want.(Find Ann's/Melody's post about waiting) It is not a race or a contest. You may hate what is happening right now but you have lived with it for some time...what is a few more hours...days...weeks...months. You are not on a deadline. There is no urgency.

I feel so bad for you right now..take your time...the only person that you need to please here is you (not him and certainly not her)...take the time that you need...

So many hugs,
JT

[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited May 15, 2002).]

Morning Glory

Bonbon,
I just want you to know that I was the most emotionally damaged person I have ever met. I was the most obsessive person I have ever met. I was named die hard as in the battery, because I hung on to unhealthy relationships as if my very life depended on it, which it did at the time. I would make a game out of my detective work by dressing my kids in trench coats, hats and sunglasses when I would go out and try to catch my boyfriend cheating on me. My girlfriend and I knew they were cheating on us, but couldn't prove it. I couldn't leave the kids at home so had to make it a game without them knowing what we were really doing.

You don't even come close to what I used to be like. I cried every day for 20 years. I was in denial about absolutely everything. I had to come out of denial slowly because the reality shock can only be handled a little at a time. Denial is a gift of survival. I thank God for denial. It kept me alive for years. You are gaining knowledge and strength right now. It may not feel that way, but you are.

At the beginning of my journey of suffering I dreamed a scripture that I had never read before. It was in a version that I didn't even own, so I know I didn't make it up. The scripture was "If you can't keep up with the footmen, how will you ever run with the horses?" I think my HP was letting me know to fasten my seatbelt for the journey that would be ahead of me.

I look back and can't figure out how I survived all that I have survived, but I can also look back and see how much I've learned. I should have a Doctor's Degree in something from the life experience I have. I guess that's what you call learning everything the hardest way.

Well, once again, sorry for the book. I'm just trying to say that if I'm here and still alive and kicking that there is so much hope for you. The suffering that you are going through now will not last forever. It has its purpose. One day we will be able to run with the horses.

Many HUGS,

MG

Rose56

Bonbon, I dont have any better advice, but I know how you feel. There is a prayer I like: God help me hang on until my change comes. I like this prayer because it suggests that the change is coming, things are shifting, we may not see it yet, but things are happening. Hang on, your change is coming. God and the universe is working to help you, give them some time. I will be praying for you today. ((((Bonbon)))

helluvagalnva

I'm sorry Bonbon for all of the pain you're experiencing right now. I don't have any better advise then what everyone has already said. I need to listen to that same advise. I pretty much feel the same way about myself lately.

I have the same questions that you have. How do you let go and turn it over to our HP?
Hopefully when you figure it out you'll let me know or vise versa.

You have more courage than you think you do right now. Your courage is one of the things that I admire about you. Today - is a new day and if today doesn't look any brighter then there's always tomorrow.

Love Ya,
Galnva

bonbon

all I can say to you guys is a very very teary eyed thank you for the support and inspiring words,they mean so much. I love you all. (((((((everyone)))))))))