Need advice at wits end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
Need advice at wits end
Hey
So I'm so close to going legal to get my husband out cause I don't see any end in sight & I truly believe he thinks ill put up with his drinking in def
But the advice I need is on my step kids aged 21-30 who he drinks with at least 3 times a week
Now for years I spent time telling him he shouldn't be drinking alone its not healthy what about asking your mates to go the pub well feck me I didn't see it coming to bite me in the bum...
1 of my stepsons coped that going for a few with his dad was a great way of spending time with him, then another caught onto this & now my step daughter is working in the hotel business & gets off near closing time so my husband now texts her to join them.
What I've noticed is that the 1 st son used to ring at least 3 times a week for pints but has stopped it's my hubby who now does all the running, where he used to go have 3 pints he's now coming home pissed. But it appears he won't go without them so I feel they would play a big part in his drinking & for months I've not said anything to them but it feels wrong I feel that if I tipped them off & they observe him they'll know I'm not lying & might not be so quick to agree to meet him especially if I explain how serious the drinking is for our marriage. I also really don't want them getting into such a bad routine...
I'm pretty sure I'm breaking the detach with love code or something by wanting to do this but also on some sites it says keeping his drinking a secret is enabling so I really don't know what to do.
So I'm so close to going legal to get my husband out cause I don't see any end in sight & I truly believe he thinks ill put up with his drinking in def
But the advice I need is on my step kids aged 21-30 who he drinks with at least 3 times a week
Now for years I spent time telling him he shouldn't be drinking alone its not healthy what about asking your mates to go the pub well feck me I didn't see it coming to bite me in the bum...
1 of my stepsons coped that going for a few with his dad was a great way of spending time with him, then another caught onto this & now my step daughter is working in the hotel business & gets off near closing time so my husband now texts her to join them.
What I've noticed is that the 1 st son used to ring at least 3 times a week for pints but has stopped it's my hubby who now does all the running, where he used to go have 3 pints he's now coming home pissed. But it appears he won't go without them so I feel they would play a big part in his drinking & for months I've not said anything to them but it feels wrong I feel that if I tipped them off & they observe him they'll know I'm not lying & might not be so quick to agree to meet him especially if I explain how serious the drinking is for our marriage. I also really don't want them getting into such a bad routine...
I'm pretty sure I'm breaking the detach with love code or something by wanting to do this but also on some sites it says keeping his drinking a secret is enabling so I really don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, LD0810.
I don't think you are violating any rules here - there really are no hardfast rules except this one: are you prepared for whatever consequences may come from talking with his children?
It may not go over well. They are his kids, after all. And I know with my Mom and her mental Illness, my Dad tried to talk with us for a handful of years and none of us siblings wanted to see the serious issues he was bringing forth. Plus, she made him out to be the crazy one for a while, and was very effective at it. I'd say it took me several severe bi-polar episodes that I got to witness firsthand before I was able to agree with my Dad.
So what if you simply addressed the damage its doing to your marriage by speaking to him directly, and finding some support for you? I know there are Al-Anon meetings in Ireland...
I don't think you are violating any rules here - there really are no hardfast rules except this one: are you prepared for whatever consequences may come from talking with his children?
It may not go over well. They are his kids, after all. And I know with my Mom and her mental Illness, my Dad tried to talk with us for a handful of years and none of us siblings wanted to see the serious issues he was bringing forth. Plus, she made him out to be the crazy one for a while, and was very effective at it. I'd say it took me several severe bi-polar episodes that I got to witness firsthand before I was able to agree with my Dad.
So what if you simply addressed the damage its doing to your marriage by speaking to him directly, and finding some support for you? I know there are Al-Anon meetings in Ireland...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
Hi
Thanks for reply
Out of loyalty I've not approached them & I think he's got comfortable in the knowledge I won't
I have for years attempted to get through to him but it doesn't work & I even tried on Tuesday & on Wednesday he's back out with them again...
The 1st son to start going out with him over the new year & Jan asked to meet to talk about his dad, I don't know what about but it didn't sit right so I didn't acknowledge it.
Now one thing I know for sure is there's no way they aren't noticing how much he now consumes with them & how drunk he gets... I don't think it would come as a shock really they may be putting it down to him being unemployed now & under financial stress I'd say...
Thanks for reply
Out of loyalty I've not approached them & I think he's got comfortable in the knowledge I won't
I have for years attempted to get through to him but it doesn't work & I even tried on Tuesday & on Wednesday he's back out with them again...
The 1st son to start going out with him over the new year & Jan asked to meet to talk about his dad, I don't know what about but it didn't sit right so I didn't acknowledge it.
Now one thing I know for sure is there's no way they aren't noticing how much he now consumes with them & how drunk he gets... I don't think it would come as a shock really they may be putting it down to him being unemployed now & under financial stress I'd say...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe it's time to start looking for other solutions - FOR YOU. any attempts to monitor, control, redirect or limit HIS drinking are for naught, or have results you did not anticipate.
bottom line, his drinking is and has been a problem for you. instead of trying to get him to change, what are YOUR options? it sounds like you've had enough....
bottom line, his drinking is and has been a problem for you. instead of trying to get him to change, what are YOUR options? it sounds like you've had enough....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
That I have,
I'm attending alanon & am on a waiting list for 1to1 counselling
The prob here is that
A) I still love him - lord knows why at times but that'll go soon because the man I live with now is less and less like the man I fell in love with
B) we've 2 young kids together to whom he's a good dad to
C) part of me is waiting for the financial situation to move him, we know this will happen eventually & I've told him that unless he's dry I won't be immigrating with him, this stunned him for 2 weeks where he reduced his drinking to 3 nights a week to prove to himself & me he's not an alcoholic & a month down the road the drinking is almost back up to 'normal' levels and all of sudden the fear that i won't go is gone.... Because i know he'd rather drink then fight for us & if I'm honest I'm sure he prob sees a lovely life aboard - no one nagging him about drinking... Although that's rare now in our house cause I'm not arsed 99% of the time. That's one good thing that came from accepting his drinking not checking the booze levels, not listening for how many trips he made for ice & not trying to come up with the right words to get him to stay sober that night with me...
I know it's a big risk but I firmly believe rock bottom for him is when I throw him out & I know the drinking will really take off then & then only then may he see what he is...
That's why I've not done it yet cause I'm not ready for the marriage to be over for good & I'd need to be cause he may never get sober...
But I digress should I really be keeping this a secret for him? He doesn't want his kids to know but only cause he feels that sure they go out too as often as him so see its not abnormal...and if they don't go than he losses his drinking buddies that enable him to feel its normal cause I'm just spending time with them!!!
I'm attending alanon & am on a waiting list for 1to1 counselling
The prob here is that
A) I still love him - lord knows why at times but that'll go soon because the man I live with now is less and less like the man I fell in love with
B) we've 2 young kids together to whom he's a good dad to
C) part of me is waiting for the financial situation to move him, we know this will happen eventually & I've told him that unless he's dry I won't be immigrating with him, this stunned him for 2 weeks where he reduced his drinking to 3 nights a week to prove to himself & me he's not an alcoholic & a month down the road the drinking is almost back up to 'normal' levels and all of sudden the fear that i won't go is gone.... Because i know he'd rather drink then fight for us & if I'm honest I'm sure he prob sees a lovely life aboard - no one nagging him about drinking... Although that's rare now in our house cause I'm not arsed 99% of the time. That's one good thing that came from accepting his drinking not checking the booze levels, not listening for how many trips he made for ice & not trying to come up with the right words to get him to stay sober that night with me...
I know it's a big risk but I firmly believe rock bottom for him is when I throw him out & I know the drinking will really take off then & then only then may he see what he is...
That's why I've not done it yet cause I'm not ready for the marriage to be over for good & I'd need to be cause he may never get sober...
But I digress should I really be keeping this a secret for him? He doesn't want his kids to know but only cause he feels that sure they go out too as often as him so see its not abnormal...and if they don't go than he losses his drinking buddies that enable him to feel its normal cause I'm just spending time with them!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
What is the secret? His kids are drinking with him...they know. You have no control over whether they confront it or choose to remain in denial. That's their issue to deal with. The only issue you have to deal with is how long you choose to remain stuck in this chaos. And how long you keep your children in an alcoholic home. You love him. If love was enough to cure the A, then they'd all be sober. But their first love, the one they will protect at any cost, is alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
All very true of course...
I was about to ring solicitor this morning to make app to find out what the process would be getting him to leave but I just couldn't bring myself to make the call
Prob cause my 1st alanon meeting is so fresh in my mind where I cried so hard for a full hour I'm not sure I'm strong enough to put myself through another ordeal like that just yet... God I'd love to know how people stay, I just can't see it...
I was about to ring solicitor this morning to make app to find out what the process would be getting him to leave but I just couldn't bring myself to make the call
Prob cause my 1st alanon meeting is so fresh in my mind where I cried so hard for a full hour I'm not sure I'm strong enough to put myself through another ordeal like that just yet... God I'd love to know how people stay, I just can't see it...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You don't have to make any decisions before you're ready. But there is nothing wrong with information gathering. Make the appt with the solicitor, educate yourself.
There is an AlAnon twist on an old saying: "Don't just do something, stand there!" Meaning don't feel like you have to jump to action if you're not ready. Sometimes it's better to be still, learn, listen. Then you will know what to do.
BTW - I cried in every AlAnon meeting for 2 months! But I learned that it was a safe place to cry. Eventually I stopped crying, and reclaimed my life.
There is an AlAnon twist on an old saying: "Don't just do something, stand there!" Meaning don't feel like you have to jump to action if you're not ready. Sometimes it's better to be still, learn, listen. Then you will know what to do.
BTW - I cried in every AlAnon meeting for 2 months! But I learned that it was a safe place to cry. Eventually I stopped crying, and reclaimed my life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
It will get easier to do the things that seem painful but must be done. I've shed a lot of tears through this process...at the bank opening an individual account for myself, calling the attorney's office, at the attorney's office for my consult, at every Al-Anon meeting I've been to (at the first one before it even started!), etc., etc. I am stepping outside my comfort zone. I am doing the hard things to understand my options & myself. I am stronger for it and you will be too.
Maybe you couldn't make that call today, but maybe tomorrow you can. I have to let things percolate in my head before I can take the action, but that's okay. When I take the action, I know I am ready.
I love the quote Recovering2 provided...heard it before & think it is great every time. Keep coming back here...post, vent, cry, and there are some laughs too. You will get stronger, you will figure our your path, and we will make sure you do not have to do it alone!
Maybe you couldn't make that call today, but maybe tomorrow you can. I have to let things percolate in my head before I can take the action, but that's okay. When I take the action, I know I am ready.
I love the quote Recovering2 provided...heard it before & think it is great every time. Keep coming back here...post, vent, cry, and there are some laughs too. You will get stronger, you will figure our your path, and we will make sure you do not have to do it alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 9
Thank you all for your very kind words
I cannot believe its coming to this
There's this little voice that pops up at times like this saying
"Well you didn't stop it til u knew for sure & now that you know you can't go back" and a little part of me would love to be back in my denial bubble cause on days like today I feel it's hopeless & he'll never change & that's what I'll need to accept in order to get him out, that there was nothing else for it. I try not to think about telling the kids or the impact cause I know
Happy mammy = happy kids
Yes it'll be an adjustment but they'll get their mammy back...
I cannot believe its coming to this
There's this little voice that pops up at times like this saying
"Well you didn't stop it til u knew for sure & now that you know you can't go back" and a little part of me would love to be back in my denial bubble cause on days like today I feel it's hopeless & he'll never change & that's what I'll need to accept in order to get him out, that there was nothing else for it. I try not to think about telling the kids or the impact cause I know
Happy mammy = happy kids
Yes it'll be an adjustment but they'll get their mammy back...
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