Summer

My A has been sober for 6 months now. It's great but what a change! Good and bad. He is very moody, flies off the handle sometimes, and other times can be so calm and loving. He'll ask me "what's wrong?" all the time, too much actually and it's getting on my nerves. He never, ever asked me that before! I suppose I still keep my distance. I feel like the shoe could drop any time. The old me would have put him on a pedestal just for being sober this long. Maybe that's why he is always asking me what's wrong like I should be all over him, loving him, or something for getting this far in soberiety. It's like we both have to get to know each other again. He still continues to go to AA and I will continue in Alanon. I just wish he could see how this has affected me too.
Summer

splendra

I don't suppose he will know what all it has done to you until he is able to see what all it has done to him. Perhaps you could tell about some of your feelings when he asks what's wrong and maybe it could help to close the gap.

dax

My H has 25 years of sobriety. One thing I have learned. I guess since they have done so many harmful things during their drinking, they seem to think saying 'I'm sorry once' and moving on should fix it all. It doesn't of course for those that the wrongs were done to. My H has never undersdtood this. This carries ovwer into any lie or wrong done when sober. My H had a 9 year affair with a woman in AA. He has never understood why I just can't turmn it over. Hey he has. It is how how lives with himself. It has made reconciling extremely difficult. Living with a recovered alcoholic will never be easy. For years my H shut me out. Shared all with his AA buddies and had not much to say to me. Their has got to be some balance. I have been to many Chapter 9 meetings. I see the AA working his program, the alanon hers, and the spouses getting further and further apart in communicating. The programs are one sided-all for the indivdual's recovery. More needs to be said for family relations. Just my outlook after 25 years . dax

jojo

Summer -

It all comes down to a matter of trust. That "other shoe" feeling is really hard to deal with. All you can do is take care of you and hope that he will continue to take care of himself. Boy, that sounds really easy, doesn't it? HaHa!!!!! You have probably let down your guard in the past just to feel like you have been hit by a truck - again and again. It is soooo hard to believe that this change is going to last. But to save your own sanity, you need to hope for that but still be prepared for the truck. Fortunately you have Alanon and us to share those fears with. Please try to enjoy the good you are experiencing now. Who knows - it could actually last and you will kick yourself for not enjoying the life you have now.

Hugs, Jo

PS: When he asks what is wrong, perhaps, if you haven't done so already, you could explain about the loss of trust you feel each time he has relapsed and how it just takes time to recover that feeling.

dax

If you have any chpater 9 meetings in your area[the family afterwards for AA and their spouses and famiyl, they would really help both of you see waht the other is thinking. These are hard to find - often because they are led by both an AA and a alanon, neither book will list them.. Sometimes they are under open meeting. I find this reluctance to list these meetings a bad judgement call. dax

mary559

Summer,
I am in the same boat. My AH has been sober for a month and a half. He is doing very well but it is hard to understand that he now has a whole new personality to get used to. When he was drunk, that was why he was funny or just plain stupid. Now he just is that way naturally. I sometimes feel like he might have stopped maturing when he started drinking. He is so irritating sometimes I almost want to tell him to leave me alone. I must agree, I am also holding myself at bay. You never know if it might go bad but as a friend told me enjoy the good. I have to train myself but I am trying.
For me personally I belive it all boils down to the fact that he has lost my trust and respect. It took 5 years for me to get this way and a few months of sobriety doesn't make it all better. Please feel free to email me I believe we are both in the same boat. Although if I still feel no love and respect I don't know if I can stay in this relationship and I have told him that. We'll see. Lots of hugs your way.
(((((((((( mary )))))))))))))))

mountaingirl

Summer and all,
I can relate. I'd love to know if there's something I can be doing to get that trust to grow? I mean, I wonder if it would help if we actually actively tried trusting in specific ways, almost as an experiment, if that would help us? I'm just brainstorming, but I can picture some things I could do to show more trust. Maybe that would make a difference in my own trust level. What do y'all think?

Summer

Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm really confused about my feelings. I don't know if it's a trust thing or mostly his selfishness. I feel like he doesn't have a clue as to how this affected me. All those years of drinking and not coming home, not knowing where he was, couldn't depend on him for nothing, he just doesn't get it. Because it's his problem/disease he thinks it only affects him and no one else. I hope through AA he will eventually see how it has affected others. Also the mood swings bug me, it's like this alcoholic personality comes out every so often. I wonder what people in "normal" relationships argue about? Sometimes women at work will complain about something their husband said or did and I think it's so small and petty compared to what we go through with an alcoholic!

Summer

mary559

MG and Summer,
Yes, I do believe we have to start trusting at some point. I have been trying to train myself to remember what I like about him and how his sobriety alone speaks good for him. I just want to mack sure that as much I don't want to let my guard down I have to to give it my best and know that I have done all within my power to make this work. That means giving him a chance.
My AH has jut startd AA so I have been trying more heart to heart conversations. It has put more stalk in what he is doing and why and helped us both to see eachothers point of view.It's only th beginning. Good luck to us all.
Mary

tootiredmom

When I read this, I thought it was something I had written and then forgotten. It is my life in a nut shell, even about the same amount of time my husband has been sober. He drives me crazy, asking me if I love him, asking if I am okay, asking if we will be okay. He has stalked me and he follows me everywhere. I am tired of it all.

osier59

Its a difficult thing once they find recovery, because its all NEW! At least when they were drinking or using, we knew what to expect. We also found ways to justify both their bad behavior AND ours - it was the alcohol or drugs that was the problem. Once our loved ones STOP using is often when the real challenge begins. When they start to FEEL their feelings , without the dulling effects of alcohol, everything feels really big and bad and scary. It takes time for them to understand that feelings are just feelings and not facts, and just because it feels really big and hairy, it won't last forever. It's been my experience that they will lash out at the ones they love, almost double-daring them to go away. It's not because they dont love you, its because they feel so darn unloveable themselves.

This is when you need a program for YOU. Rally your support system. Read everything you can read about the disease of alcoholism. Find ways to relax and take care of yourself. In a calm moment, discuss with your A that you need to find new ways to communicate now that the dynamics have changed. You're dealing with someone who no longer has the "benefit" of alcohol to "help" them thru stuff

I hope this helps. I've read a lot about people who prayed for sobriety, and then wondered if it was really the answer to prayer after all!

Hugs and love

Barb

dax

I felt greeat love for my H the minute he got sober. I was surprised because I had been angry for so long. The alcoholic does have to learn to live with feeling'sober'. While he was drinking, I had eased my sufferings by getting more dogs and cats. He became sober with two young children and a whole bunch of animals to deal with. But I could take him being grumpy because at least it was better than when he was drinkinbg, He did get over the crabby stage. dax

ChillGal

Hi Summer
All I can say is work on YOU. Don't let him get so involved in AA that you get left behind. Try to find out all you can, work WITH him, try to understand. Try to get him to understand you too. Talk. I didn't. I was the good AA wife who was so tired of the drinking I just kept saying go to a meeting I don't mind. Sometimes I did mind but instead of letting him know this I just held it in. My thoughts were above all else he has to quit drinking. 3 years later and I still have the same thoughts. I now go to al-anon and I should have started going YEARS AGO. Take care of Yourself.

minnie

Summer
My A b/f is on the road to recovery and is ALWAYS asking me "what's wrong?", "Are you OK?" etc etc. I believe he's only asking these things to check that I'm OK with him, not with me. Does that make sense?

Also, the trust thing is a huge issue with us at the moment and he cannot understand at all that I can't just wipe the slate clean and start again as if the last 2 1/2 years have never happened.

mountaingirl

Minnie, I totally agree. That trust thing is so tough.
Yesterday I felt like my hubby was giving me one of those vague answers when I asked him why he had stayed up so late. And I got all freaked out because it felt like the old days when he would "cave" and drink late at night. He is so in the habit of being vague with his answers and leaving himself wiggle room, that he still does it even though he isn't drinking.
So I told him that it really made me feel nervous, and could he be more specific. If he has nothing to hide then why act like it?
My husband still doesn't want to commit to staying sober, which also bugs me. Even though he is feeling great and having all the great benefits of sobriety, it feels like he's keeping the back door ajar.

minnie

I get the same thing about committing to something. I am trying very hard to find a way through the trust thing and last night I was trying to explain to my b/f that I needed to see continued results before I can let myself be vulnerable again. Try as I might, he would not say anything specific, but rather vague comments about not letting me down. I know it's early days, but I'm fed up of getting it in the neck because I still feel bitter about what has gone on in the very recent past.

tootiredmom

Minnie, I am with you 100%. My level of trust with my husband is in the negative numbers. He did some really mean things to me drunk and I just can't get past 15/16 years of that in a few days, weeks or months and he doesn't understand that. I don't think it will ever come back, but I do think we will get to a point we can parent together well, either married or divorced and right now, that is my biggest concern.

mountaingirl

Hey girls, (pardon me if there's a fella in here too)
I was thinking about how, in this quest to rebuild trust in our relationships with addicts, - let me personalize this - I need to remind myself what my part was. Doing so helps me to remember that I let myself be treated badly, and I have to forgive myself too.
Weird, I had this memory yesterday of something I've blamed on my husband from our early days, and suddenly (light bulb moment) realized that I allowed that. Can't get into details, use your imagination. The point is part of moving on for me is about deciding from now on how I will be treated, and sticking to my guns.
That said, I do think we longsuffering wives of A's tend to beat ourselves up unnecessarily. But owning the part of the issue that is ours is part of empowerment, right?
Thank you all for this discussion, its helping me.

minnie

Blimey! Mountaingirl, you've given me a lot of food for thought there.

You're right. My A b/f was able to do a lot of the stuff that he did because I wasn't clued up about boundaries back then. I didn't have the knowledge that I have acquired thanks to these boards.

You're a star, thank you.

mountaingirl

Hey Minnie,
Glad to help. We decide how people will treat us. I'm still really learning how that works but I know its true. We get what we settle for! Yikes! I'm changing the rules around here for myself.
Had a red-alert when my teenager mistreated me the other day. She was so rude as they generally are from 12-? (when does that end!?) that I found myself saying inside: Wait. No one talks to me like this. Told her I wouldn't drive her anywhere for the rest of the day. She was floored.
Maybe it would be good to talk about what our new boundaries are. Here's my #1: I will not pretend and look the other way when you drink.
What's yours?