Nonsensical

Trouble sleeping again last night. Insomnia is not uncommon for me, but I think I am still feeling the aftershocks of my recent lunatic binge. It was a bad one. Possibly my worst ever, although it's hard to quantify such things.

Despite that, I feel hopeful. I have learned tons here at SR over the past few months. I have lots of tools and support to work with as I rise from the ashes. And I have learned a few things from this recent experience.

1. The maintenance of my resolve will be a lifelong task. My addiction will relentlessly chip away at it, and it will eventually fail, unless I take positive action to bolster it.

2. I don't possess anything more valuable than my last unbroken promise. All that I have I would have given to not see the disappointment I saw in my daughter's face.

3. Physical withdrawal symptoms are getting worse for me - a trend that will only continue if I continue to drink.

It's the resolution dissolution I am still seeking an answer to. I had attained such high resolve back in January and then again in March I thought they were infallible. This turned out to be untrue. How do I make my resolve infallible? I have some ideas, but I would like to hear yours.

awuh1

For me it was to embrace a new “way of being”. It had to be more than just a resolution. I think you got a hint of the need for that in your daughters face. It’s more than just not drinking, in and of itself. It had to be.

Dee74

I agree with awuh - resolutions are great - but I need to back them up with action.
Backward steps are no longer an option.

It's more than just not drinking for me - it's Dee's Life Vers. 2.0.
I'd fight for this life.

Drinking hasn't got a chance

D

instant

Its intersting how the resolve can weaken. I think over time it takes less energy or personal "stuff" to stay sober. I think of the skill that i have now developed more fully is of knowing when I am "centred" and when i am "not centred". I inherited that term from someone on SR, i think it was Daytrader.

It is possible to be off centre and still be sober and committed to recovery. It is however a place of being more ill at ease with myself, the world, the people in it and caught up more in "the issues" and dramas of our lives. With practice I have come to recognise such states, then what i currently do is deliberately try not to make matters worse. I also have afew mindfulness exercises I do. There are other recreational things i do that also help.

Lets not forget the value of a daily dose of SR !!!

Michael66

Hi Non

For me, on my journey, it has not so much been so far about resolutions (though perhaps it was in those early weeks) but about finding "stability". My inspiration and support for sobriety has largely come from a monastic background and a lay Benedictine community to which I belong. We learn from the monks of a local abbey. An important part of Benedictine spirituality is embracing a stability of heart and community (family, church, friends, work). I can see very much the same attitude in AA - there is a stability in purpose to the committed AAer that carries people through times where their natural enthusiasm is low. Like AA, a core part of that Benedictine stability is to bring ourselves and our struggles before God (or Higher Power if you prefer). For a Christian we find that in scripture as Peter writes "Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you". We also share our failings with others, which can also help liberate us from those failings. And we support each other as a community - we are not alone on this journey of life, with all of its struggles.

I think the difference between "stability" and "resolution" is that stability is a broader concept of what core values we are embracing in life rather than a focused resolve to do X or not to do Y. Stability is more about shaping who we are than about shaping what we do (though the two obviously strongly interconnect). Again I see striking similarities between the 12 steps which, you'll notice, don't actually talk very much about alcohol, and a traditional Christian spirituality. Perhaps sobriety often flows from finding an inner peace and stability?

Anyway - that, I appreciate, is a very personal view. I don't commend this as the one and only way to find lifelong sobriety. It's just the path I have walked and am walking.

Spinach

You don't need to say your addiction will eventually chip away and you will fail, your addiction will eventually be chipped away and fade!
The disappointment in your draughts eyes reflected your unhappiness!
You can do this.
I now only miss the idea of the complex taste of drinks.
I don't miss the chaos , bitterness, pain and general failing that goes with my drinking.
I like the freedom, choices ,time and money that not drinking causes.
I do remember the rush and the way it allowed me to forget all the pressures of living , like rent bills people, but it wasn't good for me . Everything just got worse.
Life just keeps on growing for me and so many others.
Start again and this time forget the thought that it would be great, it won't .
Throw out the feeling that your missing something great it never was keep that mantra going as you count the days and wait till the rewards are that life slowly and surely gets better and better and it will in subtle ways that at first you'll think you may be imagining then as you recognise your trip into sobriety embrace it, that's the clincher !
Wait for not drinking to become sobriety.
Don't over think just keep on not picking up and eventually it'll happen.
Love John.

Living

This might sound stupid, but I kind of like the structure of saying daily - I WILL NOT DRINK. It is a committment I have to keep for many reasons.

When I was drinking, I had no desire, resolve or committment (except to the bottle). I am a social person and tended to isolate myself, my family was not happy and my health rapidly deteriorated in the last year. A day in the life of an alcoholic for me was not fun. I hated waking up feeling shakey and saying I was going to accomplish something. I would end up taking that first drink to clear my head and then continue to drink to where all I wanted to do was sleep. Nothing every got accomplished.

Now that I am more public with my sobriety and people know, it is another thing that I feel I need to stay sober for myself and for others.

I truly love sobriety and the committment it takes.

GracieLou

Get out of the way.

IMO you are trying to create a plan that you can not fail at.

Try someone else's plan.

Until I said help me and then accepted that help from others I was keeping myself from working on recovery and sobriety.

I only trusted me. I had to have faith to trust something other than me.

mecanix

I think for me my alcoholic drive comes from the ego or the id (for want of a more apt idiom) .
It was only through non-ego that "i" found a way to handle myself . By changing my perception i change my reactions and then as a follow on my actions .

I wouldn't say that my resolve is infallible but by not deluding myself , excersising my discernment , things fall into place .

For me working on that overwhelming needful want of desire , the selfish ego was how i deconstructed parts of myself, i don't just include drinking but a whole myriad of things . All held up for scrutiny and considerd .
I'm not saying wanting is wrong , just maybe , being more aware of the consequences of our actions and how large our egos' desire is proportionately .

I still work on it , i think i always shall .

Bestwishes, M

Fandy

I would like to bring up your previous thread titled "Duty". i've often gone back and read through it for myself.

we stop drinking for our life...but we cannot ignore those that are also so harmed and affected by our selfish actions. (speaking for myself and family relationships here).

Hope you feel better today and get some sleep tonight...(eat kiwis before bedtime)

ersatzmatriarch

hey non...

last night, while i was putting gas in my car after a meeting, i had a brief thought of a glass of wine. it was not a craving or an urge to drink, just a thought. i let it go, but then checked myself and did an exercise i've been learning from other alcoholics in recovery. it's not something i needed to do (the thought not really being a craving), but i practiced it anyway while i felt strong, in the hopes that when or if i DO need it in a weak moment, i am better prepared. it goes like this:

i started with the simple thought of that one glass of wine. then i followed theough the whole rest of the scenario in my head... finish the one glass, pour another, polish off the bottle, likey open and finish another, pass out, wake up with a wicked hangover, stumble over the hill to walk my kids to the last day of school, come home and eat ibuprophen like candy, spend the morning on the couch, open another bottle at 10am to kill the hangover, ignore my kids, get cranky and impatient with everyone, start yelling, face my husband after work and feel like a dirty piece of useless crap, admit here and to my AA friends and sponsor about my fall, feel even worse inside my head about myself and everything, and open another bottle. lather, rinse, repeat...

even though i wasn't actually having a ceaving, it was extremely painful to walk my brain through this, but i did it anyway... it gave me a chance to see what was at stake and make a clear decision in that moment of whether 'that one drink' was worth it or not.

i don't know if this helps you or anyone else, but i wanted to share it anyway. for me, the technique was a really precise and illuminating exercise that, after having done it in a moment of strength, i'm sure will help me when my devotion to sobriety wavers...

peace to you today... and i hope you get some good sleep soon!!

Mrbeagle

Nons I'm having an awful time sleeping at the moment too. Had around 6 hours the past 48, it's the worst thing about being sober early on for me, but I shall persevere for now

Keep on keeping on

ananias

I am guessing community...the more people you have to let down and the more you have at stake....less chance of just throwing it away. The more I get involved with the world around me the less involved I can be with myself. I am trying to reach out, build some kind of fort to be in that alcohol has no place in. The further I distance myself the easier it will be to say no and the harder it will be to justify drinking.

I like walking yourself through what will happen after that first drink, it makes it a conscious decision to drink and you will have to own up to the fact that you wanted to drink more than you didn't.

I'm still floundering in the deep end but I am trying. For me I can admit today that I haven't made the decision to stop yet. I have the desire...but without clear absolute statement of fact decision...I have little more than hopes and wishes. Once I can simply say enough is enough...I can start to build my fort, build it on something solid.

Blah rambling...just maybe the more things (friends, family, activities, volunteering, big projects, new puppy,etc) you put in front of alcohol the further away it will be. The less it will hit you in the face for attention and when it does...it will be overshadowed.

Be strong and keep fighting.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Nonsensical.

Though I've been faithful to my sobriety resolution for about 8 months by far, I can pretty much relate to "resolution dissolution" in other areas of my life.

Sometimes I make a resolution and it seems to be so powerful, inspiring, so positively-charged. But then usual routine, stress, "little things" or whatever messes up and resolution shrinks dramatically.

I like this quote "People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well,
neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily."

I believe it's essential to have a plan of actions that will back your resolution up, keep it going and alive. It may be a plan of simple steps to follow, or "good mood kit" of something you find inspiration in. The more we develop our "back up" the more infallible our resolution, I think.

Best wishes to you)

doggonecarl

Your sobriety cannot rest solely on resolve. Resolve is the firm decision you make to quit drinking. Recovery is the day-to-day effort one puts in to maintain sobriety DESPITE one's flagging resolve.

For me, relapse is not an option. That's not a decision. It's a fact, indisputable. I will try to convince myself otherwise. But facts can't change.

deeker

Just worry about this 24 Hours non, Don't project. Don't make any promises. Just worry about today. Come into SR when you want to drink. Post a thread before you pick up next time

" I want to drink now, Please talk me out of it".

You'll get the help you need. If you really want this that is what you will do. Or call your sponsor if you have one. Before not after.

bigsombrero

Since you asked for input, I'll give it: I think you blur the line between "confidence" and "cockiness". Your approach seems to be very cocky. You're going to beat the Beast, put it in a choke hold and stuff it into a dark hole. You're a bad ass, you're going to do this alone with your big strong manly muscles and sheer will power, show the world how this can be done.

Nothing wrong with confidence, but you have to respect your opponent. I have stayed sober by respecting the hell out of my disease. I have to make sure the gate is locked each day, put it on a leash, and double-check it when I'm done. And I STILL fall into traps and pitfalls.

If I assume I have this thing beat, I'm in trouble. I think you need to respect this problem more - you have such a great confidence about you, but I think that gets you in trouble. You might be Superman - but this disease is kryptonite. Approach alcoholism with more humility and respect instead of trying to bully it around all the time.

Just my .02. For the record I gain a lot of confidence and insight from your posts and thoughts, you have a fantastic and thoughtful attitude.

Nonsensical

I interpret this as high resolve. What would you call it?

Nonsensical

I agree. I thought I had him whooped. It was not so.

My posting probably does cross over from confidence to cockiness at times. Often I am trying to give a coach-like pep talk to someone. Often that someone is me.

360shoes

I don't know why we all have so much in common with the drinking part but the quitting part seems to be so individual sometimes.

Your description of your daughters's face made me sad. I had a Dad who drank and sometimes it's was awful. When he got bad he would wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me he was leaving and he would never see me again. I remember one time when he locked himself in he and my Mom's bedroom with a loaded gun while my Mom and other family members talked to him through the door. I remember my parents fighting a lot. I was just little.

One day my Mom had enough. It was us or the bottle. He chose us. He has not had a drink for 51 years. My Dad is not an educated man. He would have trouble spelling addiction let alone understand what it met. He never read a book about it, went to any meetings about it, probably never even talked about it to a living soul. He just stopped.

I don't know how he did it. But I do know he was never the smartest person in the room but his heart was as big as a house. He would have and still would take a bullet for his family and even a stranger. He now is right by my Mom's side as she dies from Alzheimer's. He is 81 years old.

I think it was love that saved him. I have no other explanation.

How any of us do this may be a mystery or maybe it's not. I don't know. I guess we all just have to find the thing that means more. Who knows what that thing is but us.

I hope we all find it and keep it whatever it is.

Just me.