backbeat

Hi guys

I'm at day 1 again. I never seem to get very far, and I'm back here again. I've learned a few things about why I keep failing and hopefully one of these tries I can make this work. I've really been convinced each time that I was finished with drinking so I'm feeling a little defeated.

Anyway I've noticed that I do tend to compare myself to others in aa meetings and I never seem to stack up to the level of abuse of others. Yet outside of the rooms other people around me who are not aa members don't drink anywhere near what I do. Nobody sees that after I've sat in the bar downing 6 high alcohol craft beers and a couple whiskies, I sometimes go home and knock back another few beers and maybe a few more whiskies or vodkas or whatever's on hand.

I missed work today, again. I'm always worried that everyone can see what a train wreck I am. I've been spoken to about it and then it happens again because once I start drinking it's a crap shoot as to how it will go. Sometimes I'll have three beers and head home, eat and go to bed and be fine the next day. Other times I can't stop, push myself to keep drinking even though my body wants to just go to sleep at some point. I push and push and push to keep drinking and it's crazy. Force myself to stay awake sometimes just to continue.

Anyway that's what I did last night. I'm feeling hurt by someone's behavior and ran into that person last night. So, I went on a rampage.

Every time I have a few beers and go home and go to bed, I think meetings/recovery are an overreaction and unnecessary for me. I'll cruise on along that way for a couple months. Then something will happen and I'll pull what I did last night - 6 high-alcohol beers in the bar, two whiskies, six more big beers at home and half a bottle of vodka. And this is on a work night - that's the craziest part. I normally don't drink on weekends because I don't want to ruin a weekend day with a hangover.

I feel like I'm begging to be fired from my job. If I was a freelancer behaving the way I am now I know I would never have been kept on as staff. I was sober when I got my job 15 years ago.

Anyway I guess I'm wondering if anyone else on here has similar experiences, meaning that sometimes their didin't doesn't cause them problems but sometimes wreaked havoc. I feel like it's a crap shoot when I drink I guess.

THanks for letting me vent my frustration...

Grungehead

Stop doing that backbeat. We all got to AA because drinking became a problem in our life. Everyone's story is different but we're all there for the same purpose, to get sober and stay sober. It's not a contest to see has the worst war story. Most of the meetings I go to talk mostly about what they have done in recovery once they got here. But if someone talks about getting 3 DUI's, went to jail 4 times, was in the hospital for detox 6 times...well that might be one hell of a war story but I'm glad I didn't sink that low before I got sober.

It sounds like you are making some bad decisions based on how other people make you feel. You are letting them control your thoughts which results in resentments, which leads to drinking. I hope the venting helped and I hope things get better for you.

CharlieNoogan

I can totally relate to this. I rarely missed work, but I often came in late. Usually it was only 10-15 minutes, but this got old with my boss quick. I actually resigned from that job after 6.5 years with the company once I received the final ultimatum: come in late again and you're fired. I knew that it was inevitable within the next week that I would hit snooze one too many times and get canned.

It feels like you've hit the self-destruct button by accident, and now the situation is beyond your control.

The fact is, it is within your control if you take the proper measures now before it's too late. If you've tried sobriety on your own in the past and it hasn't worked, consider an outpatient treatment program coupled with AA. If you inform your boss now about what is going on, they cannot fire you for having what the ADA considers a disability. They must make reasonable accommodations, such as providing a schedule that would allow for treatment.

If you continue on the current path, I think you know where it leads backbeat. What happens if you lose your insurance with your job and then decide it is time for treatment?

You can do this. Make the right choice.

Nonsensical

Your post rather rambles around the most difficult (in my opinion) part of addiction to deal with - that the addicted part of your brain will work against you as you try to remain sober.

Is it your goal to have the worst stories at an AA meeting? The ones that make the other drunks cringe? Of course not! The part of your brain that has inhibitions, reason and judgment understands that. But what does the addicted part of your brain hear when others are sharing their ugly tales? "Well, I'm not THAT bad. I must not be a real alcoholic."

There's an addict sharing your head with you. I have one, too. It sucks.

Where will you be 15 years from today?
Let's do this.

rennn

I lost my job basically with the same behaviour you just described (I really liked this job) and I haven't been able to find a job since, its been 6 months. Thank god for australia's Dole/welfare system

mecanix

Every time i drank all bets were off as to if i'd go on a blackout and get hurt by myself or someone else . The longest blackout i had lasted 3 days .

Although i didn't drink every day my use/abuse got progressively worse over the years and i changed my behaviour to make alowances for my drinking to excess .

Your problem sounds similar to my problem 10 years ago , i ended up quitting my job so it didn't interfere with drinking time . I guess we all have our own tollerance as to how far we let drinking mess us about .

Treat yourself gentley , M

backbeat

I'm going to look into outpatient facilities in my area. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this alone.

backbeat

I forgot to add, I was out of work yesterday (Wednesday) by saying I was working from home. And I get less freaked out by almost believing my own BS. It's so easy for me to deceive myself in this way. But tonight I decided to look at it a new way, by taking myself out of the equation and imagining that it was someone else behaving the way I do. Someone at work who is a good employee and reliable, and not much of a drinker. I imagined how it would look if that person behaved like I do, and what I would think and I realized that person would NEVER do what I did yesterday. They would never ever risk missing work for something so stupid as a drinking binge, and even for them to drink in the way that I feel is me "being good" would be completely out of character for them. And this person isn't a teetotaler, she goes to bars. But just not like I do.

So I realized today that if even the people I know at work who do like to have a few after work behaved the way I do and missed as much work as I do, I would expect them to be at risk of losing their job, they would probably be gossiped about, it would be rumored that they certainly had some kind of problem and a drag on other employees.

Today I had someone who had to email me numerous times at home asking where certain files were. They shouldn't have had to look for these files, I should have done the project. And I just felt so naked. As if I was sleeping off this horrific hangover in the middle of my office, if that makes sense. Like everyone knew I was home sick from booze, and not working at home. And this person had to stop what they were doing to email me about these files, taking extra steps to accommodate my drinking problem.

instant

My off switch worked reasonably poorly when i was young. Ive always chased a buzz. I got older my off switch got looser and much less reliable. Living sober is easier ultimately.

neferkamichael

Backbeat, I'm at day 1 again? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Backbeat, just never give up. Rootin for ya.