staystrong11

I turned 30 a few days ago. My daughter is 5 months old tomorrow. A few weeks ago I sent my husband a message in prison saying that I knew he was never going to change with what he was doing and even if he magically thought he was, that was just the disease talking. I wished him the best of luck and goodbye. No drama, no hysteria, no fan fare. I wrote a really powerful piece about my twenties and how I grew as a person in leaps and bounds. Everything that went down with him was about me growing, about God, about my soul, my faith, my humanity. I didn't know that when I was 25 because I probably would have stopped or couldnt fathom how it couldnt be about him, that all my efforts and love he would get better. But he never did, but I got so much better. I was all healed up by the time I hit 30. I wrote that I thought getting married and all that uplift he was experiencing then was a sign we had finally hit solid ground, that this would work. But it was never about him, it was about me and then it became about my daughter. I feel all that mission, all that drive to help someone else which healed me was about my future daughter. God was able to squeeze just enough light and soul out of him to make her and then he collapsed again, the last time for me.

I wonder how I will ever explain him to her. Maybe make a map of all the places we drove to or flew too to get her dad help for his boo boos. So she knows I never gave up and I will always love her. I don't know how I will ever explain how when I offered to send my mother-in-law sonogram pictures, she never responded. She complained about me putting her son in jail. I don't know how I'll ever explain that level of pettiness and sickness in a family she is related to. But for now she is happy and has no clue and is very much loved. And I have moved on -- I no longer long for him, barely think about him except to further divorce myself from him. She never reminds me of him.

EverHopeful721

Wow....such a beautiful, uplifting and inspiring post, filled with amazing ESH, staystrong!! Thank you so much for sharing it. You just keep moving in the direction you've been going - it's the right one, for you and your sweet daughter!! (((HUGS)))

eveewonder

Awesome. Keep putting one foot in front of the other toward the sun!