deven

After years of drinking 3-6 beers per night, with extended breaks only for Lent, I recently realized that there was no one to blame for my drinking patterns -- neither the demands from my special needs son nor my wife nor, even, my mother's alcoholism -- but myself. Since then, I have stopped drinking during the week, and have limited my consumption on nights I do drink. Still, I have ended up drunk on a couple of occasions despite my intentions (lower tolerance, higher ABV beer than expected).

While I think this is a step in the right direction, I don't feel like it goes far enough to address what I think is the core issue I'm having: namely, that I want to be able to live out what I believe is my family cross to bear, a history of problem drinking and alcoholism, in order to show my son what needs to be done to carry this burden and still have peace.

I don't know if it's the guilt of not having quit completely, the anxiety that underlies my self-medicating, or what. Just looking for some guidance here from those of you who may have experienced something similar.

Anna

Welcome!

As long as you're drinking at all, you're never going to experience recovery. And, it's in recovery that we learn and grow and move on with our lives. Why not show your son how to live a sober and peaceful life?

DAB

I tried to limit and control my drinking many times. I can do it too, but do you know what? When I try to control it or limit it, I don't enjoy it. When I drink what I want so that I can enjoy it, I can't control it.
The best way I have found to gain consistent serenity is with total abstinence.

Lionhearted1

My grandad died from alcoholism, my dad is dying and my partners mum died from alcoholism. Iam an alcoholic and iam going to show my daughter that no matter what your back ground or genetics are you can be better than the past and history does not have to repeat itself. It just takes one strong person to break the cycle and teach recovery not drinking!! Good luck

deven

Thinking out loud here a bit, but I think it might be because I don't trust I -- or he -- will ever truly know peace, given his disability and family history (hence my description of bearing a cross). I think that taking up that cross will be an important step for him, as it has been for me, but I'm just not sure if this will free him up fully to grow spiritually. I didn't necessarily feel peace during my Lenten breaks, so I suppose I'm just still a bit skeptical (that way by nature, actually).

deven

I can understand this perspective. The times when I limit it are not necessarily enjoyable...at least not as "enjoyable" as when I abstain. Still, I make/brew beer as a hobby (may even end up doing it professionally), and I enjoy that quite a lot -- even when I'm abstaining for Lent. Just trying to feel out a direction here, so thanks for bearing with me.

DAB

Denial is the wall that protects us from recovery.

deven

Again, thanks for bearing with me. I know I can be frustrating to deal with. I won't deny that I drink more than I should when I do drink, but typically I limit it to 6 max. I'll also admit to feeling guilty about this the next day, but I'm also typically able to get myself back on track and stay away. Still, something is (obviously) still gnawing at me...but it is helping to hear all of your responses and just to "talk," so, yet again, thanks.

DAB

6 was my typical limit too, with the exception of weekends.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Deven
I'm both an alcoholic and a disabled man - it really is possible to know peace

But I was not able to approach peace, or even comprehend it, until I reconnected with my real self....

and I couldn't do that until I, you guessed it, stopped drinking.

Volume doesn't matter - it doesn't matter if it's 6 or 60 - what matters is what happens to us when we drink and how it leaves us feeling.

D

deven

Thanks for the inspiring words. It's becoming pretty clear to me that my skepticism is a result of my mother never having overcome her addictions. Thus I never experienced the peace that I always knew/hoped/prayed would come to me as a kid if she ever managed to quit. My drinking is much less severe than my mother's, and I think my kid has only seen me drunk maybe twice (also never missed any of his school functions, therapy sessions, etc., etc.). Still, kids with his disability (autism spectrum) will almost inevitably face social anxiety, and I fear he'll eventually turn to alcohol to help. Do you think my "example" will be a big help, even though he may not necessarily notice while he is growing up that I have a problem?

Dee74

None of us has a crystal ball. We have no way of knowing what your son may or may not do.

but...I do think parents examples are always a big help....the biggest factor in shaping kids lives and the way they react to things, deal with stuff, and handle life.

I think that applies to all kids, autistic or not

D

deven

Thanks, everyone, for the responses. I think I really need to experience recovery, as much of this is tied in with my mother's alcoholism and my resulting traumas, which I obviously haven't recovered from and am even tending toward re-living. My best friend is now in recovery, and I will plan to attend an open meeting with him and/or look into an Adult Children of Alcoholics group.

stubbs

Nicely said lionhearted!