Partner of Alcoholic needing advice
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Partner of Alcoholic needing advice
I have been with my partner for 18 months - he has been an alcoholic for approximately 6 years. He moved into our family home, with me and my two teenage children, about a year ago during which point he was dry and doing remarkably well. To cut a long story short, he started drinking again and when he does drink it is very uncomfortable and upsetting, especially for my children, as he consumes a huge amount of vodka, until he becomes unconscious when he then loses control of all bodily functions and depending on where he has collapsed, can obviously be quite horrible. We are all very fond of him, and outside of alcohol, he is the loveliest, most honest person you could meet. But he clearly has a huge problem. I have recently managed to get him on various courses and he has remained dry for the last 5 months, with that all going remarkably wrong on Tuesday of last week, when he fell of the wagon big time and hasn't stopped since. He knows that we will not tolerate him drinking at home and we ask him to leave if he wants to continue drinking - which he doesn't. Unfortunately he became out of control on Monday of this week and very demanding and we got caught up in a brawl which was witnessed by my daughter - the police were called and he was arrested. He has been released on bail and is not allowed to come to the property we live in or have any contact with myself or my daughter - understandable I hear you say, but we now have no idea where he is, we think he is in a hotel where he will obviously be drinking - and am very very worried - the police, are obviously doing their job but it all seems to be getting a little out of control - we didn't want any of this to happen and the last thing we want is for charges to be filed - we do understand that he has to get help and hope that by maybe being on his own he may hit rock bottom - but who knows Any advice?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
he should do most anything recommended
been through something similar to this situation
this could all work out for the best
if
he has a true desire to get sober and rejoin the family
you can set the rules
possible ideas
Christian counseling for both and he alone (offered free at most churches)
AA meetings (one a day for a while)
if a man wants to keep his family in tact
he should do most anything recommended
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sunflower, I am going to suggest you try posting here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information where you will likely get more replies.
Glad you found SR--this is a great place, a lot of folks w/many years of experience, strength and hope to share.
The fact that you say you "managed to get him on various courses" suggests to me that you might not have a lot of knowledge about alcoholism and recovery. One of the first things that will be helpful to learn is that YOU did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
If you can, get yourself to an Alanon meeting as soon as possible. You will get a lot of support and education there. Again, would suggest going to the "Family and Friends" section of this forum and doing some reading, both of active threads and of the stickied info at the top of the section.
Sorry you need to be here, but you are not alone, and many here can help you get on the path to recovery.
Glad you found SR--this is a great place, a lot of folks w/many years of experience, strength and hope to share.
The fact that you say you "managed to get him on various courses" suggests to me that you might not have a lot of knowledge about alcoholism and recovery. One of the first things that will be helpful to learn is that YOU did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
If you can, get yourself to an Alanon meeting as soon as possible. You will get a lot of support and education there. Again, would suggest going to the "Family and Friends" section of this forum and doing some reading, both of active threads and of the stickied info at the top of the section.
Sorry you need to be here, but you are not alone, and many here can help you get on the path to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and why don't you want charges filed against someone who committed an act of violence against you in your own home in front of your child???? best thing for him would be to feel the consequences of his actions....you get drunk, you get stupid, you get violent, you go to jail.
he was not able to abide by the rules of the house...no drinking. he violated them and your children got to witness an adult pass out in various locations and soil themselves.
it concerns me a bit that you refer to WE....you are the parent and therefore in charge of the decision making, not the kids. YOU started a relationship with this person, YOU knew he had a drinking history, YOU allowed him to stay AFTER he resumed drinking. YOU now need to assure he stays away from you and the kids, drunk or sober. they need you way more than he ever will.
take care.
he was not able to abide by the rules of the house...no drinking. he violated them and your children got to witness an adult pass out in various locations and soil themselves.
it concerns me a bit that you refer to WE....you are the parent and therefore in charge of the decision making, not the kids. YOU started a relationship with this person, YOU knew he had a drinking history, YOU allowed him to stay AFTER he resumed drinking. YOU now need to assure he stays away from you and the kids, drunk or sober. they need you way more than he ever will.
take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I have to agree with Anvil...this is situation is NOT "getting a little out of control." Your children are living with a man who cannot control his bodily functions and brawls with their mother. They are learning what a "relationship" looks like. They will think this is normal. This situation is and has been WAY out of control already!
People don't change because other people rescue them from the consequences of their behavior; in fact, the opposite is true. They only change when they are forced to deal with how unmanageable their lives have truly become. You can't force him there, as has been demonstrated, but you can get out of his way by allowing him the dignity of facing the responsibility for the choices he has made.
Sending you strength and courage.
People don't change because other people rescue them from the consequences of their behavior; in fact, the opposite is true. They only change when they are forced to deal with how unmanageable their lives have truly become. You can't force him there, as has been demonstrated, but you can get out of his way by allowing him the dignity of facing the responsibility for the choices he has made.
Sending you strength and courage.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well, at least he is not "losing control of all bodily functions" on the sofa, now.
That part made me sort of think of a dog who is not housebroken.
But by the time it got to . . . . "we got caught up in a brawl which was witnessed by my daughter" . . . . look, really, you have a choice in this. Your daughter does not.
Kids Come First.
Only allowed One #1 Priority in (y)our lives. For us with kids, that HAS to be the kids.
Since you asked "Any advice?" here is some, although Alanon does not generally lean towards direct advice. . . Keep this out of your life for at least 1 year after (if) he EVER becomes sober.
The rest is . . . Not Your Problem.
That part made me sort of think of a dog who is not housebroken.
But by the time it got to . . . . "we got caught up in a brawl which was witnessed by my daughter" . . . . look, really, you have a choice in this. Your daughter does not.
Kids Come First.
Only allowed One #1 Priority in (y)our lives. For us with kids, that HAS to be the kids.
Since you asked "Any advice?" here is some, although Alanon does not generally lean towards direct advice. . . Keep this out of your life for at least 1 year after (if) he EVER becomes sober.
The rest is . . . Not Your Problem.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Rebuilding Not Resurrecting
While their external behavior may be very different, folks in early recovery have the same character flaws they had when they were using. They are generally impulsive, impatient, and very moody. As affected others we must be careful to avoid climbing aboard this emotional roller coaster and compensating for their deficits.
Remember your own needs:
•It is we too who are changing. Hopefully we develop the resolve to be true to ourselves independent of what our loved ones choose. We are free to have limitations, needs, wants and feelings and we are free to express them.
•We have the right to not walk on eggshells and to overcome our fears of holding our loved ones accountable.
In couples and family counseling I am often asked, “What do I have to be careful not to do or say? I don’t want to push them back to drinking/drugging.” I’m quick to point out that affected others are not that powerful and that accountability doesn’t work that way.
The ONLY person who is responsible for drinking/drugging is the addict themselves.
Read more: Rebuilding a Relationship after Your Partner Gets Clean and Sober
Rebuilding a Relationship after Your Partner Gets Clean and Sober
www.choosehelp.com › Living With An Addict
Tips on rebuilding a relationship while making your own needs a priority: ... get into recovery, they'd like to make up for lost time and be all better by next week. ... try to convince ourselves that things will be fine now that our loved one is sober.
While their external behavior may be very different, folks in early recovery have the same character flaws they had when they were using. They are generally impulsive, impatient, and very moody. As affected others we must be careful to avoid climbing aboard this emotional roller coaster and compensating for their deficits.
Remember your own needs:
•It is we too who are changing. Hopefully we develop the resolve to be true to ourselves independent of what our loved ones choose. We are free to have limitations, needs, wants and feelings and we are free to express them.
•We have the right to not walk on eggshells and to overcome our fears of holding our loved ones accountable.
In couples and family counseling I am often asked, “What do I have to be careful not to do or say? I don’t want to push them back to drinking/drugging.” I’m quick to point out that affected others are not that powerful and that accountability doesn’t work that way.
The ONLY person who is responsible for drinking/drugging is the addict themselves.
Read more: Rebuilding a Relationship after Your Partner Gets Clean and Sober
Rebuilding a Relationship after Your Partner Gets Clean and Sober
www.choosehelp.com › Living With An Addict
Tips on rebuilding a relationship while making your own needs a priority: ... get into recovery, they'd like to make up for lost time and be all better by next week. ... try to convince ourselves that things will be fine now that our loved one is sober.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I've learned it's really important to set boundaries for ourselves...and hold those boundaries. You tell him not to drink at home...but he does. And what is your response? If we don't respect our boundaries, they certainly won't. It's not our job to "manage" them. Your BF is an adult, and if he chooses to drink he (sadly) has the right to make that choice. Nothing you can do about that.
What you CAN do is decide what is right for you and your children. You allow a man to live in your home, drink to the point of losing control of bodily functions, fight with you. What are your children learning??? Then you don't want him held accountable for his actions? Read over on the children of A forum....the damage is being done. It's your job to protect THEM...not your BF. Is this kind of partnership, this life, good for your kids? Is this the kind of partner you hope your kids find? He may be kind "outside of alcohol", but there aren't 2 people here....the kind guy and the A are one and the same. You are going to see less and less of the kind guy over time as this is a progressive disease.
I know this sounds harsh, but this is a serious situation you describe. Don't wait until he hurts one of your kids instead of you. Get to AlAnon, and get help. He's out....let him stay out.
What you CAN do is decide what is right for you and your children. You allow a man to live in your home, drink to the point of losing control of bodily functions, fight with you. What are your children learning??? Then you don't want him held accountable for his actions? Read over on the children of A forum....the damage is being done. It's your job to protect THEM...not your BF. Is this kind of partnership, this life, good for your kids? Is this the kind of partner you hope your kids find? He may be kind "outside of alcohol", but there aren't 2 people here....the kind guy and the A are one and the same. You are going to see less and less of the kind guy over time as this is a progressive disease.
I know this sounds harsh, but this is a serious situation you describe. Don't wait until he hurts one of your kids instead of you. Get to AlAnon, and get help. He's out....let him stay out.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I have to agree with everyone else. A good book to read for your may be Codependant no more by Melanie Beattie. Rescuing him from the path he chose will not solve anything. The opposite happens in fact. You enable him to continue drinking. If he is living in a hotel or wherever on the streets, that is his choice. He had a very nice place to live with a wonderful family. All he had to do was follow your request of no drinking. He chose to drink therefore he lives with the consequences of having no place to live.
Domestic Violence is never OK especially in front of children. That is not the lifestyle you want them to emulate. If he chose to "brawl" with you and got arrested then again he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He is an adult. No excuses. Would you feel any differently it was your daughters boyfriend brawling with her. Would you not want charges filed if it was her who experienced it? You cant pick up the pieces for him and make all his bad decisions go away. He has to do it himself. Stay strong!! Your kids deserve a mother who shows them that kind behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. That is the example you want to set for them as hard as it is. Reading about codependancy and detaching with love may be helpful for you.
Domestic Violence is never OK especially in front of children. That is not the lifestyle you want them to emulate. If he chose to "brawl" with you and got arrested then again he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He is an adult. No excuses. Would you feel any differently it was your daughters boyfriend brawling with her. Would you not want charges filed if it was her who experienced it? You cant pick up the pieces for him and make all his bad decisions go away. He has to do it himself. Stay strong!! Your kids deserve a mother who shows them that kind behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. That is the example you want to set for them as hard as it is. Reading about codependancy and detaching with love may be helpful for you.
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