blackouts and cheating
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
blackouts and cheating
Hi, the other day my boyfriend of two and a half years went out drinking with his friends. And came home around 5:30 am, came and woke me and and told me that he had woken up at his friends house with another women, he had hickies on his neck, but he says he doesn't remember anything about what happened or what they may have done. He has told me that he isn't going to drink anymore and that he's sorry and willing to do anything to fix things. We have an almost one year old son and I'm very confused right now. I love this man and I believe he's sorry, but I don't know what to do to move forward. I don't know if he would be considered an alcoholic. He doesn't drink often, but when he does he can get mean and verbally abusive. I'm looking for some advice and support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I don't know what happen one night flings
first off while you are sorting through all of this
recommend to him to get checked by a doctor
a lot of stuff out there these days
a little guilt laid on him is not a bad thing either
it's these I don't know what happen one night flings
that have wrecked many a sound body and mind
he should be feeling like the lowest man in town
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
Looking at it from an outside perspective, it speaks volumes that he came straight to you about it and didn't try to lie or hide it. Most As will compulsively cheat and hide it, sneak around, etc. It sounds like a bad situation and I agree with the previous poster that having him get a medical check up and a little guilt is a good idea. The fact that he came to you and seems to be remorseful is a good sign though in my opinion. People make mistakes...has he cheated before? Does he seem honestly remorseful for what happened? Is he working towards fixing the broken trust? Seeing a relationship counselor could be helpful for moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi and welcome. I am so sorry you sought us out, but I am glad you are here. I don't know if your boyfriend is an alcoholic or not either, but I will say the same thing I would say to someone who knew for sure: pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. Words are super-easy. Taking action -- changing behaviors -- means business. More will be revealed.
Sending you strength!
Sending you strength!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My XAW blamed her blackouts on her sexting and infidelities. I know she did many things while she was blacking out that she was embarrassed/sorry for/regretted. It didn't hurt me any less when I found out about it! Blackouts are scary, they seem to be acting like normal drunk but have no recollection of it. Kinda like they're on autopilot. Is it more easy to forgive the blackout actions? I don't know. I know I found it to be very depressing to learn that she cheated AND she was drinking to the point of blackouts. In the end for me it was unacceptable behavior, but that was my situation. Abuse should not be tolerated and should not be looked at lightly just because someone is drunk. For my wife, her drinking progressed to the point where she was a completely different person. The person I fell in love with was incapable of the things she did. Very tough to watch & very tough to live with. I looked at my situation and asked myself if I was willing to put up with it exactly as it was for the rest of my life. My answer was no.
My wife was every-night till pass-out/blackout drinker, if it happened less frequently would I have stayed? Yes, I did for quite a number of years. She had the disease of alcoholism though and it progressed, just like alcoholism does. And my codependency progressed too. It was empowering to me to learn about the disease, to realize what I was up against. I cannot win a battle against alcoholism. I can work on my own serenity/happiness though!
I never saw it coming, her disease that is, it just kind of crept into our lives until one day I became aware. I can't say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic or will become one, I hope not. For me it was a very tough road that i hope I never have to go down again. The cheating is a horrible thing to deal with, It feels like a punch in the gut.
((((hugs))))
My wife was every-night till pass-out/blackout drinker, if it happened less frequently would I have stayed? Yes, I did for quite a number of years. She had the disease of alcoholism though and it progressed, just like alcoholism does. And my codependency progressed too. It was empowering to me to learn about the disease, to realize what I was up against. I cannot win a battle against alcoholism. I can work on my own serenity/happiness though!
I never saw it coming, her disease that is, it just kind of crept into our lives until one day I became aware. I can't say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic or will become one, I hope not. For me it was a very tough road that i hope I never have to go down again. The cheating is a horrible thing to deal with, It feels like a punch in the gut.
((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your replies. Yes without a doubt he will be needing to have std testing. And I agree it shows something by him coming to me right away and being honest. He does seem truly remorseful and no he has never cheated before. My trust has been broken and he says he understands he has a lot of rebuilding to do and that he's willing to do it. I've been at my sister's the last two days because I haven't been ready to see him since he told me.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Mariah,
My first reaction was, that good at least he admitted it also, but then I read your post again. He did have hickies so how was he supposed to get around the truth of that one? Like the other poster said, listen to his actions not just his words.
4MyBoys
My first reaction was, that good at least he admitted it also, but then I read your post again. He did have hickies so how was he supposed to get around the truth of that one? Like the other poster said, listen to his actions not just his words.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
in time would we be willing to forgive
Originally Posted by MariahN 
My trust has been broken and he says he understands he has a lot of rebuilding to do and that he's willing to do it.
that could be a start on a changed life
now
I guess we all need to dig down deep and decide
in time would we be willing to forgive for the trespass (sin)
if all goes right and in given time -- most are capable to forgive
but
a few truly are not
and will throw this back at the offender for many years to come
now
I guess we all need to dig down deep and decide
in time would we be willing to forgive for the trespass (sin)
if all goes right and in given time -- most are capable to forgive
but
a few truly are not
and will throw this back at the offender for many years to come
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
When my AH wanted to unburden himself and make me think he was apologetic for something he'd done wrong, he would tell me a partial truth and give me lots of promises to change. Over time, the rest of the truth would come out or I would just live with an uneasy feeling in the relationship.
It's the "only two beers" way of life, I guess. As the spouse of an AH, we can agree to be lied to ("Oh okay, honey, I guess two beers isn't that bad, don't do it again.") or not. The "only two beers" response to this situation is, "Well, he told me right away and promised never to do it again, so I guess that's fine." It's the choice to ignore evidence, it's the choice to pretend that everything is fine. Why? I don't know. I was scared of being alone.
Maybe the reason he 'fessed up is that he was covered in hickeys.
The opposite of THAT is accepting that he cheated on you without qualification, then deciding how to handle your business. If you choose to stay knowing he has cheated now, it's your business. You're grown! Live your life, no hard feelings. We do what we have to do. But don't fool yourself into thinking that this was somehow difference because he was super drunk and apologetic. It's not fine. You do deserve better than that. Your son deserves better than that. You don't deserve to live with his lies, chaos, and confusion. You've got enough on your plate now -- this kind of stunt is childishness.
It's the "only two beers" way of life, I guess. As the spouse of an AH, we can agree to be lied to ("Oh okay, honey, I guess two beers isn't that bad, don't do it again.") or not. The "only two beers" response to this situation is, "Well, he told me right away and promised never to do it again, so I guess that's fine." It's the choice to ignore evidence, it's the choice to pretend that everything is fine. Why? I don't know. I was scared of being alone.
Maybe the reason he 'fessed up is that he was covered in hickeys.
The opposite of THAT is accepting that he cheated on you without qualification, then deciding how to handle your business. If you choose to stay knowing he has cheated now, it's your business. You're grown! Live your life, no hard feelings. We do what we have to do. But don't fool yourself into thinking that this was somehow difference because he was super drunk and apologetic. It's not fine. You do deserve better than that. Your son deserves better than that. You don't deserve to live with his lies, chaos, and confusion. You've got enough on your plate now -- this kind of stunt is childishness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 3
To the poster who said I'm too calm, yes I'm angry. I'm angry, hurt, betrayed, but I have my son to think about. I have him to think about too and that is what makes me the most angry, that I'm put in a position that I never wanted to be in, knowing that what ever happened my son has to live with because of a very selfish choice made my his father.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Mariah, He gets mean and verbally abusive when he drinks---and he sleeps with other women when he gets drunk.
I agree with you, you have a bitter serving on your plate--especially with a one year old child.
My best recommendation for you is to prepare yourself for the very worst. Get thyself to alanon and prepare yourself to be the strong person you will need to be--in order to be the best MOTHER for your child---and to prepare a way for you to have the happy and satisfied life that I am sure that you wish for. You need to get on top of any co-dependent tendencies which can spell disaster for ALL the relationships you may have---in addition to educating yourself about the realities and nature of alcoholism. Prepare for the day that you might well be the sole source of stability for your son.
By the way, I find the story he gives very suspicious. Alcoholics are well known to have a shaky relationship with the truth and cheating men are know to lie almost 100% of the time. He wakes up in the morning in bed with a woman and hickies on his neck--what is a man to do?? Well, one can go home and throw himself at the feet of his kind -hearted and trusting girlfriend and make declarations of remorse, confusion and sorrow (throw in some tears and promises for good measure). In this way the major heat of the spotlight is thrown from the indiscessions of the evening and onto his own painful suffering. A very good play by a skillful manipulator, I would say. Perhaps I sound very cynical---Well, I am. I have lived a long time and have witnessed a lot--a LOT.
Hon, what I am trying to say to you is that you can't afford to live on hopes and dreams any longer---reality is staring you in the face and you owe it to yourself and your son to take care of yourself.
sincerely, and gently,
dandylion
I agree with you, you have a bitter serving on your plate--especially with a one year old child.
My best recommendation for you is to prepare yourself for the very worst. Get thyself to alanon and prepare yourself to be the strong person you will need to be--in order to be the best MOTHER for your child---and to prepare a way for you to have the happy and satisfied life that I am sure that you wish for. You need to get on top of any co-dependent tendencies which can spell disaster for ALL the relationships you may have---in addition to educating yourself about the realities and nature of alcoholism. Prepare for the day that you might well be the sole source of stability for your son.
By the way, I find the story he gives very suspicious. Alcoholics are well known to have a shaky relationship with the truth and cheating men are know to lie almost 100% of the time. He wakes up in the morning in bed with a woman and hickies on his neck--what is a man to do?? Well, one can go home and throw himself at the feet of his kind -hearted and trusting girlfriend and make declarations of remorse, confusion and sorrow (throw in some tears and promises for good measure). In this way the major heat of the spotlight is thrown from the indiscessions of the evening and onto his own painful suffering. A very good play by a skillful manipulator, I would say. Perhaps I sound very cynical---Well, I am. I have lived a long time and have witnessed a lot--a LOT.
Hon, what I am trying to say to you is that you can't afford to live on hopes and dreams any longer---reality is staring you in the face and you owe it to yourself and your son to take care of yourself.
sincerely, and gently,
dandylion
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Sorry for your tough situation. So very unfair that you have to go through this.
Although i have never been, You may want to check into alanon. From what i hear and read, there are Lots of good people there that may be able to help you heal. They can probably truly understand and relate.
Only you can decide how to respond. Do not let anyone cause you to second guess your decision. You know best.
IMO, if you decide to stay then it may be a good time to clearly define healthy boundaries though. I think alanon may be able to help with this too.
Wishing you comfort and peace.
Although i have never been, You may want to check into alanon. From what i hear and read, there are Lots of good people there that may be able to help you heal. They can probably truly understand and relate.
Only you can decide how to respond. Do not let anyone cause you to second guess your decision. You know best.
IMO, if you decide to stay then it may be a good time to clearly define healthy boundaries though. I think alanon may be able to help with this too.
Wishing you comfort and peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
4MyBoys took the words right out of my mouth. What's he supposed to do when he has hickies??? If he didn't have those hickies...wonder if he would have been so forthright? We all have to decide for ourselves what we're willing to tolerate. I would never tolerate cheating, I don't care what the sorry excuse is.
I can't say if he's an A. But normal drinkers don't drink to the point of blacking out. When that happens there are centers in the brain that have been so flooded with alcohol in a short period of time that short term memory is affected. The drunk continues to walk/talk, even give hickies, but has no memory of it. That is not normal drinking.
Consider AlAnon. It's a great place to educate yourself and get unwavering support.
I can't say if he's an A. But normal drinkers don't drink to the point of blacking out. When that happens there are centers in the brain that have been so flooded with alcohol in a short period of time that short term memory is affected. The drunk continues to walk/talk, even give hickies, but has no memory of it. That is not normal drinking.
Consider AlAnon. It's a great place to educate yourself and get unwavering support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
People don't cheat because of blackouts. They cheat because they cheat. The end.
That being said, time and actions will tell more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
For a long time I wanted to lump together the cheating and the drinking. I wanted a "which came first the chicken or the egg scenario because I thought that would help me somehow."
It took awhile but I finally realized that it did not matter if they were related or not, they were both a part of my relationship. The cheating helped me to get my head out of the clouds and deal with reality in a way that I could not with the alcohol use (that is not always the case but the alcohol was much harder for me to deal with).
What was similar was this. How the cheating and how the out of control drinking (when he did it) made me feel.
I felt crazy, out of control and guilty somehow (for what I could not figure out).
Recovery for both has helped my healing. Al-Anon has been a surprising help on the affair side of things (and that is not necessarily the point of it). An individual counselor was a great help too.
Know that there are recovery groups for affair work also out there, and a lot of good books and learning. Please keep posting and get support.
Finally learning about the stages of grief (which applies to affairs) helped me to normalize everything too...and thus get through it without too much beating myself up.
It took awhile but I finally realized that it did not matter if they were related or not, they were both a part of my relationship. The cheating helped me to get my head out of the clouds and deal with reality in a way that I could not with the alcohol use (that is not always the case but the alcohol was much harder for me to deal with).
What was similar was this. How the cheating and how the out of control drinking (when he did it) made me feel.
I felt crazy, out of control and guilty somehow (for what I could not figure out).
Recovery for both has helped my healing. Al-Anon has been a surprising help on the affair side of things (and that is not necessarily the point of it). An individual counselor was a great help too.
Know that there are recovery groups for affair work also out there, and a lot of good books and learning. Please keep posting and get support.
Finally learning about the stages of grief (which applies to affairs) helped me to normalize everything too...and thus get through it without too much beating myself up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 115
@ Tryingtoletgo,my first reaction is would he have come clean if he didn't have the hickies on his neck?
With that evidence he would have had no choice but to admit to it.
Maybe I'm just a suspicious person.
With that evidence he would have had no choice but to admit to it.
Maybe I'm just a suspicious person.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
