bigsombrero

I was a wreck a year ago. I was near death, drowned in booze, a man with no future. In 2 days I'll be 11 months sober. On the outside, I look way better. I have lost 25 lbs. I have a much more positive outlook on life. I am "out there", visible to the world again. But, as Marcellus Wallace says to Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction: "I'm pretty $%# far from O.K."

Today, people PLAN things for me, as if now that I'm sober, I'll be willing to take someone's dog to the vet, or help babysit their 2 year-old. I keep saying YES to everything, because I don't want to disappoint my friends and family - they have been so eager to "get me back" and I think they are unable to realize there's still a lot of stuff going on under the surface.

Any advice on how to deal with this? Has this happened to anyone else? I know I can say "no thank you, I'm working on my own issues right now" --- but I think this will only prompt worry and concern from my friends! I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't!

What I really want is peace, quiet, serenity, and the ability to find that happy and peaceful place again. I need LESS stuff going on in my life, not MORE.

least

You have to put your own needs first. And believe that "no" is a complete sentence.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Bigsombrero.

I think that your answer is in your question.

You say you don't want to disappoint your friends and your family.

Will you disappoint them by saying "no"? Why? Why do people plan things for you? Are they trying to keep you busy?

I think setting boundaries is quite important for every person - recovering addict or not.

What if you PLAN things for yourself? And then you are free to say "yes" once in a while, when you really feel like doing it.

I've noticed once I got sober, I had to reconsider my boundaries with other people - including my best friend. Though she had no idea I had drinking problem, I changed after quitting. It wasn't easy, but I really needed it. It wasn't easy but I felt much better then. After all, I didn't disappoint myself.

Best wishes to you)

Nonsensical

11 months is awesome Bigsom. Congrats.

ersatzmatriarch

hey sombrero...

first off, that's awesome on 11 months!

second, i'm with least... "no" is a complete sentence. no explaination required. you keep taking care of you... and when can/want to take care of others, go for it!

ScottFromWI

Very big congrats on 11 months, quite an accomplishment and a remarkable turnaround.

Just an opinion here, but i'm wondering if it isn't just your addictive tendencies taking on all this extra stuff in lieu of drinking. It's apparent that the amount of time you are spending on it might be detrimental to your recovery.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing your day and saying no if you don't have time. Just kindly let folks know you have other committments. It's kind of like the old "what do I tell people if i'm not drinking" thing - initially everyone is very worried that people will care that they are not drinking. But in reality it's a non-issue. Same thing with your time- if you are busy, just say no and people won't think twice.

RobbyRobot

Pulp Fiction - awesome message there on how life just happens hahaha.

Anyways.

You know, I wouldn't even be asking myself what their intentions are with asking me to help them out. Being helpful and of service to others is a great way to "give back" in recognition of past times when you "weren't there" for others.

Ask yourself how bothered or grateful you are to be giving onto to others as a non-drinker as you remember the times you took away from others because of your years of past drinking.

Of course, this only works if you already feel a hole in your responsibilities towards others while you were drinking. This also works best in early times of not drinking/sobriety. As the years go on, giving to others later then sooner has diminishing returns - giving early with a determined effort gives back returns which can easily last a lifetime.

So - I advise to not even bring what others want or don't want from you into your personal sobriety. Better to let them be responsible for themselves with you as a person, and let you be responsible for yourself as a person who also has a lot of things going on beneath the surface.

There can be a wonderful purpose to your giving back. It doesn't have to be as dull as setting boundaries and claiming a personal space bubble around yourself - for me, that bubble/boundary because of my past drinking and early sobriety would work against my full measure of joy at being sober and giving back.

Hey - awesome doing on your 11 months. Well done. Great question!

CaiHong

Hi Big Sombrero,
Eleven months is fantastic. Yes you need that time alone to begin to connect with yourself, this is crucial to your recovery.

Do you find it difficult to say no? Can you explain that as part of your recovery you need time to yourself? Do they think you would be isolating yourself?

CaiHong

Zencat

Congrats on your sober time Big



With the rewards of giving back the can also be time for personal development. Baby sitting for example, This could be a life lesson on how to play. Baby's do love to play and before you know it your immersed in play with another. What better stress reliever that play around with a friend?

I take people to Dr. visits. Bring my notebook, work on some personal development stuff maybe, games, engage others in conversation (learn some social skills), read a book. There are more positive experiences that be gained in service also.

I think balance is key. There is giving to others and giving to yourself. Giving to others to the determent of you wellness wont work. Not giving yourself the rewards of making amendments wile having time to do the work on yourself, wont work either.

Be well.

CharlieNoogan

The fact that before I ever planned anything for myself I needed to check with my Scheduling Manager (the ex) first, contributed significantly to my drinking behavior. It was the only "me" time that I could reliably have. If I was drunk, I didn't have to go out in the world and do what she wanted. I had a lot of resentment toward her in that regard.

Be careful with trying to be everything for everybody right now. I am sure you are aware of what building resentment can do to your recovery. I think it is okay and necessary to say "no" when you need to. I also understand how you feel like you are bent over a barrel by everyone's requests, hence your Pulp Fiction quote.

I'll exit with this:

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee."

Soberpotamus

Congrats on your 11 months!

Sounds like it's time for you to start setting some boundaries with your friends & family. I think you've worded things very well in this post... they want you "back", they don't see what's actually going on below the surface of your sobriety, you need peace, and you want to be able to tell them "No"...

And someone made an excellent point by mentioning that maybe it is your own belief that you will disappoint them by telling them "No" that is preventing you from trying it... the way I see it is maybe they will be disappointed, maybe they won't be! Regardless, your sobriety and recovery come first for you. So telling people "No" will take will help you by taking off some of the pressure... and it is their responsibility and their business to deal with their own feelings once you do tell them "No"...

Good luck!

bigsombrero

Thanks all, I've read each response and it's helped, every one. Haha Charlie, good quote.

I love kids and enjoy time with them, but watching a 2 year-old all day is pretty tough on me. Have you seen those little demons?

It's just that, I have a lot weighing on me, a lot of personal decisions and changes in my life. I'm still learning and need some space to do so. While "giving back" is certainly on my list of things to do, I'm not sure I have much to offer right now.

I agree with folks: "No" is a complete sentence. However, the normal response would be "Why not?" - often times, I do not have an answer for this. It's not like I'm working on a cure for cancer in my spare time. My truthful answer would be: "because I would prefer to walk around the lake and think for a couple hours".

I have trouble saying "no" because I do not feel that I have a good enough excuse. "I have a lot of thinking to do" is a response I can use, but using it day in and day out? That's hard. I think it's just been that I've been in close proximity to friends and family lately, and they are all so excited to see that I'm so healthy. They assume that I'd want to play with a baby or take their dog to the vet, because it's "good for me". Alas, I do not feel that I am mentally prepared to take on this type of social life at this time, and I have a hard time voicing it.

I think in the end, I am making this out to be a bigger issue. It's really not like I'm in a terrible position here, just kind of frustrated and kicking around some thoughts that are banging around in my head. I think I just need to quiet down my emotions for a while, emerge fresh and motivated, and prepare to take on the world again.

miko67

People pleasing can be very hurtful man. Sometimes a no is sore at the beginning but we sensitive people feel we are letting people down. i feel if we are being true to self, we need to stop people pleasing, yes be helpful but have a limit. If people take offence that's there issue, live well, be strong! Eleven months is terrific
Peace

Hevyn

Great advice and observations here already, BigS - I just want to say we are so proud of you for those eleven hard-earned months. Well done.

Dee74

It's worth me remembering I did so much for other people that I needed to drink to deal with it.

These days if I say no and someone says why not - I tell them why not.

Generally they don't ask why not again.

D

Happier

I get it. You are not alone. My family and in-laws are full of great ideas that swamp my calendar week after week. It can get old and I am having to learn how to politely say, "not this time".
Good news is that this is a fairly small problem compared to the serious issues that drinking had started to cause me. Sort of helps me if I think of it that way.

Congrats on 11 months. I am right behind you.

Pedro1234

Congrats on the 11 months

trikyriky

I watch 3 & 7 year old every Saturday night into Sunday. I also consider it therapeutic. If not watching them , i might be using. Then there's my mom she would like me to come over on Tuesdays and bring my grandchildren , her great grandchildren. This becomes a bit much and i have to say no , sometimes. I feel guilty but I'm not going to put more on me than i can handle. I have to put me time aside to just relax and meditate. Congrats on 11 months BigS

BarbieKen

Yes. simple truth indeed, a contrary action for this woman. I tend to be a people pleaser, "no problem" kind of gal. It is something I have to make myself think, at this point in recovery. I have had to backtrack a bit, when I'm on auto pilot. Someone asks me to do, whatever, I say sure. Afterwards, me stressed, talked to the person(s) and walked away feeling GOOD about ME. The 3 times I've done this, to my surprise, the person told me basically...no worries, can find another way. YES, thank you for posting.

Mizzuno

Hey BigSombereo. You are awesome! High Five!

No is perfectly acceptable. Just say "No".....It's uncomfortable at first, but once you get the hang of it you will see that you have more time to focus on you. Learning boundaries is a difficult job. I am still working on this one.