Confused lost
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Confused lost
Not sure if I am posting in the right spot but I have to vent somewhere. I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 years, I found out 2 weeks ago he was cheating on me.
We have been going to counseling and he entered AA and I have been going to Al Anon. I understand my role in enabling him and I understand that I cannot do this any longer. ( I have a lot more free time on my hands).
My counselor is telling me without the alcohol he would not have cheated. The whole AA is about him getting sober and I understand that I really do and I was happy for him when he comes home from meetings and talks about how clear he feels and how he really believes he can do this.
So great he is in recovery and he is getting better but what about me what about the loss and devastation that I went through. I am supposed to support him during his journey but who is here while my heart is breaking, my whole world has crumbled around me and everything I thought I had was just smoke and mirrors.
How do I every believe what I had or ever will have is real again?
Thanks for listening
We have been going to counseling and he entered AA and I have been going to Al Anon. I understand my role in enabling him and I understand that I cannot do this any longer. ( I have a lot more free time on my hands).
My counselor is telling me without the alcohol he would not have cheated. The whole AA is about him getting sober and I understand that I really do and I was happy for him when he comes home from meetings and talks about how clear he feels and how he really believes he can do this.
So great he is in recovery and he is getting better but what about me what about the loss and devastation that I went through. I am supposed to support him during his journey but who is here while my heart is breaking, my whole world has crumbled around me and everything I thought I had was just smoke and mirrors.
How do I every believe what I had or ever will have is real again?
Thanks for listening
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I am sorry you are experiencing this, and understand how you must feel, a lot of pain.
First off, what hit me glaringly in the face, is that your counselor has told you that he wouldn't have cheated if he hadn't been drinking. I don't think your counselor has that kind of power, or crystal ball to see the parallel reality of "ifs". There is a saying around here--take what you like, and leave the rest, and I think it applies to your counselor in this situation. He/she is not a diety, and has no such power to say what would have happened if.
Your husband chose to cheat and not all drinkers cheat, so it can't be some type of consequence of drinking, or all drinkers would cheat. That said, it doesn't have to be the end-all to your relationship. That is up to you. If this was said by a marriage counselor, I would assume they are saying this to try to repair the marriage. However, pulling the wool over your eyes on this is not a smart attempt at that, and I would point that out to them in privacy.
On your question about his AA and what is there for you--have you sought individual counseling? (Unsure if your counselor is yours alone or a marriage counselor) I think that may help you with venting and lead to you feeling better. Alanon is another choice, as is here, and other forums and support groups. The point is to have your own help, separate, which addresses YOU and your concerns, feelings, etc., and have some focus on you instead of it all on him. You need and deserve support!
As for your question on believing what you had was real or to have it ever again...I think this is a turning point in your life and in your marriage.
I would look at it this way--the past is done, and what you had will never be again. Your marriage to survive now would have to undergo some changes that would result in a somewhat "new" relationship with your husband. I would not settle for anything less. More openness, a lot more honesty, far better communication, and when the time is right for him--I would expect a full heartfelt apology for his cheating, but not until he wants to, and is ready to, give you that from his heart, and not just to pacify you. The quagmire here is, while in early recovery the drinker has too many of their own feelings to come to terms with and sort out, and is often not emotionally available to address the marriage issues simultaneously. That is why it is very recommended that you seek out your own help, separately. It's a lot to have to take into consideration when you want and need him to address your feelings NOW. That's where support groups can help, because NOW is probably too early for him to see what he has done, understand it, and address your feelings instead of just working on his own.
Cheating isn't just about drinking. He has to figure out why he did it, and come to an understanding about respecting you, honesty, openness, and good communication. That isn't going to happen overnight if he has stuck his thinking brain in a bottle for a long time.
First off, what hit me glaringly in the face, is that your counselor has told you that he wouldn't have cheated if he hadn't been drinking. I don't think your counselor has that kind of power, or crystal ball to see the parallel reality of "ifs". There is a saying around here--take what you like, and leave the rest, and I think it applies to your counselor in this situation. He/she is not a diety, and has no such power to say what would have happened if.
Your husband chose to cheat and not all drinkers cheat, so it can't be some type of consequence of drinking, or all drinkers would cheat. That said, it doesn't have to be the end-all to your relationship. That is up to you. If this was said by a marriage counselor, I would assume they are saying this to try to repair the marriage. However, pulling the wool over your eyes on this is not a smart attempt at that, and I would point that out to them in privacy.
On your question about his AA and what is there for you--have you sought individual counseling? (Unsure if your counselor is yours alone or a marriage counselor) I think that may help you with venting and lead to you feeling better. Alanon is another choice, as is here, and other forums and support groups. The point is to have your own help, separate, which addresses YOU and your concerns, feelings, etc., and have some focus on you instead of it all on him. You need and deserve support!
As for your question on believing what you had was real or to have it ever again...I think this is a turning point in your life and in your marriage.
I would look at it this way--the past is done, and what you had will never be again. Your marriage to survive now would have to undergo some changes that would result in a somewhat "new" relationship with your husband. I would not settle for anything less. More openness, a lot more honesty, far better communication, and when the time is right for him--I would expect a full heartfelt apology for his cheating, but not until he wants to, and is ready to, give you that from his heart, and not just to pacify you. The quagmire here is, while in early recovery the drinker has too many of their own feelings to come to terms with and sort out, and is often not emotionally available to address the marriage issues simultaneously. That is why it is very recommended that you seek out your own help, separately. It's a lot to have to take into consideration when you want and need him to address your feelings NOW. That's where support groups can help, because NOW is probably too early for him to see what he has done, understand it, and address your feelings instead of just working on his own.
Cheating isn't just about drinking. He has to figure out why he did it, and come to an understanding about respecting you, honesty, openness, and good communication. That isn't going to happen overnight if he has stuck his thinking brain in a bottle for a long time.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I agree with BlueSkies - the first thing that popped into my head is how can the counselor say this would not have happened if not for the drinking?? They have no idea of knowing that, and I'm surprised they would make such a unilaterally-broad statement. Not all alcoholics/addicts cheat and not all non-drinkers/non-addicts are faithful. As BlueSkies said, this has more to do with your husband's mindset and why HE specifically did it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thank you for the responses. I think what the counselor meant was the alcohol lowered his inhibitions. Your right I do have choices to make. The single most important thing I have been going through is realizing this is not about me or something I did or didn't do. I have to learn to respect myself again. I have set boundaries and am sticking to them. His choice to stay and accept them (no drinking, call from office when he gets and before he leaves). We had a weekend of total revelation and disclosure and I was blown away by his admissions and my first thought was why wasn't I enough. That's when I realized its not me it's him. I gave him my wedding ring and told him the vows it represented were broken and I would not wear it or any ring until I was in a fully committed relationship. I am not in a hurry for this and understand that he needs to get his kind and self together right now. I however will not wait forever either. I have given him so much of my life. I think he realizes this and in 31 days I graduate with a masters degree and a six figure job. He is starting to realize I don't need him any longer and if I do stay it is because I want to not because I need to.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I'm sorry to hear about what your husband did. My ex-husband cheated on me. Our counselor at the time said that true healing would only come if and when he completely and thoroughly acknowledged and accepted what he did and it's impact on me and on us. Then, it would take a transparency, honesty, and accountability for as long as I would need it to get to a good place again. I, too, would need to work on my part in marriage during that time as well.
For me, this did not work out.
If it works out between you two because you have both done the work needed, then great. If you are done, then certainly I don't think anyone would blame you!
Congratulations on your degree! Enjoy this time and the new job, and work on what you need to do to heal.
For me, this did not work out.
If it works out between you two because you have both done the work needed, then great. If you are done, then certainly I don't think anyone would blame you!
Originally Posted by Doingitmyway
I have given him so much of my life. I think he realizes this and in 31 days I graduate with a masters degree and a six figure job. He is starting to realize I don't need him any longer and if I do stay it is because I want to not because I need to.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hope you will consider doing some recovery work of your own. Al-Anon is a great place to work through the effects of living with an alcoholic. Even though the cheating may have been the "deal-breaker" for you, all those years living with alcoholism have undoubtedly taken a toll on you.
CONGRATS on the degree and your awesome career options! I'm sure that will contribute immensely to your own sense of independence and self-worth.
CONGRATS on the degree and your awesome career options! I'm sure that will contribute immensely to your own sense of independence and self-worth.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I missed this thread when it was originally started, but read it today since it bumped...WOW, this is the power of this forum. BlueSkies1...what you said encapsulates how I am feeling right now with my RAH. Our marriage as we knew it is over, and we can attempt to start over again...if we both work our own recoveries and are able to create a new relationship. Either way, I will be okay. Thank you for your response.
Doingitmyway...congratulations on your masters degree, this is an awesome accomplishment! I feel your strength & resolve in your posts, and am always glad to know I am not alone.
As to your AH's cheating...I also find the counselor's comments odd. If it was a one-time occurrence maybe the alcohol lowering inhibitions is understandable. However, if it happened multiple times or was another relationship, I think that logic is out the window. Just my two cents.
Doingitmyway...congratulations on your masters degree, this is an awesome accomplishment! I feel your strength & resolve in your posts, and am always glad to know I am not alone.
As to your AH's cheating...I also find the counselor's comments odd. If it was a one-time occurrence maybe the alcohol lowering inhibitions is understandable. However, if it happened multiple times or was another relationship, I think that logic is out the window. Just my two cents.
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