Patrick Stewart's Righteous Anger
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Patrick Stewart's Righteous Anger
This is a very moving clip of Patrick Stewart (of Star Trek fame) discussing domestic violence in his childhood home. His father had "shell shock" (aka PTSD) from WWI, self-medicated with alcohol, and raged against his wife.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqFaiVNuy1k
Some men raised in homes like this turn out like Patrick Stewart and can harness the unbelievably overwhelming anger they have stored inside and use it to do some good in the world. The vast majority however, cannot, and create further destruction--of themselves, of others.
I have two small boys and and a daughter and I will do everything in my power and then some, to keep a raging drunk away from them -- I don't care if it is their father, President Obama, or the Pope: it is 100% unacceptable in any place, at any time, from anyone. I commend all the other parents out there who are doing the same, very difficult thing. When an alcoholic is violent in a home with children, they tear up their parent card (as Dr. Laura would say).
My husband's violence extended to punching walls. Not me, not the kids, but it is terrifying just the same and that act of violence is unacceptable--it is an explicit threat saying, "I am bigger, stronger, and very angry: you should fear me." Getting that abuse away from the kids is the right thing, every time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqFaiVNuy1k
Some men raised in homes like this turn out like Patrick Stewart and can harness the unbelievably overwhelming anger they have stored inside and use it to do some good in the world. The vast majority however, cannot, and create further destruction--of themselves, of others.
I have two small boys and and a daughter and I will do everything in my power and then some, to keep a raging drunk away from them -- I don't care if it is their father, President Obama, or the Pope: it is 100% unacceptable in any place, at any time, from anyone. I commend all the other parents out there who are doing the same, very difficult thing. When an alcoholic is violent in a home with children, they tear up their parent card (as Dr. Laura would say).
My husband's violence extended to punching walls. Not me, not the kids, but it is terrifying just the same and that act of violence is unacceptable--it is an explicit threat saying, "I am bigger, stronger, and very angry: you should fear me." Getting that abuse away from the kids is the right thing, every time.
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Powerful post.
My father left many holes in the walls of my childhood home, each one was a direct hit on my tender young psyche.
These scars last a lifetime, I sometimes wonder who I would have turned out to be if I was not subjected to so much violence as a child.
The violence I witnessed as a child cost me dearly, a 5 year marriage, and then a 20 year marriage, somewhere deep down inside those scars muddle everything for me emotionally.
If your child is witness to the violence of an alcoholic, the day will come when they too will suffer the damage and consequences of the actions of the adult in their life who had no control.
The only thing to do is leave, this may be an unpopular opinion, the truth can cut like a knife sometime, no amount of love will save a child from those scars.
Thanks for the post. I appreciate it.
My father left many holes in the walls of my childhood home, each one was a direct hit on my tender young psyche.
These scars last a lifetime, I sometimes wonder who I would have turned out to be if I was not subjected to so much violence as a child.
The violence I witnessed as a child cost me dearly, a 5 year marriage, and then a 20 year marriage, somewhere deep down inside those scars muddle everything for me emotionally.
If your child is witness to the violence of an alcoholic, the day will come when they too will suffer the damage and consequences of the actions of the adult in their life who had no control.
The only thing to do is leave, this may be an unpopular opinion, the truth can cut like a knife sometime, no amount of love will save a child from those scars.
Thanks for the post. I appreciate it.
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Thanks you for sharing that KatieKate (that is what we called my sister growing up, by the way!). It really helps me to hear that. I too am twice divorced, and while there was no violence in my childhood home, there were other things that created insecurity & low self-esteem, no matter how successful I was on the outside.
I hope that my kids know that they can trust me, and that some people are truly trustworthy, and we only allow ourselves to love the ones who are. And when we do love the trustworthy ones, we do it with no reservations, no creeping expectation of failure or abandonment, no fear of being smothered or overwhelmed, nothing held back. And I also want to raise them so that they express who they are and their deepest needs in every situation. That is how they will discover who is trustworthy. No people-pleasing, no looking the other way when someone is a jerk, no lowering their standards to fit someone's dubious behavior. I want them to hone their intuition and use it to create a life of honesty, love, and deeply held morals. That is the challenge for me now: to raise kids who know how to trust and love really well, especially when they become adults and have families of their own.
I do feel like I failed them, in terms of creating a two parent home, but I also have faith that it's not too late for them to thrive in life. There are some pretty amazing people out there who were raised by single parents, it can be done.
I hope that my kids know that they can trust me, and that some people are truly trustworthy, and we only allow ourselves to love the ones who are. And when we do love the trustworthy ones, we do it with no reservations, no creeping expectation of failure or abandonment, no fear of being smothered or overwhelmed, nothing held back. And I also want to raise them so that they express who they are and their deepest needs in every situation. That is how they will discover who is trustworthy. No people-pleasing, no looking the other way when someone is a jerk, no lowering their standards to fit someone's dubious behavior. I want them to hone their intuition and use it to create a life of honesty, love, and deeply held morals. That is the challenge for me now: to raise kids who know how to trust and love really well, especially when they become adults and have families of their own.
I do feel like I failed them, in terms of creating a two parent home, but I also have faith that it's not too late for them to thrive in life. There are some pretty amazing people out there who were raised by single parents, it can be done.
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BtheChange, there was an excellent presentation on the OWN network about a month ago.
The subject was about the struggle of single m others (of fatherless kids/or abusive fathers). The major take away point, for me, was this: It is not just enough to remove the negative (father)---but the most important thing is to ALSO present the positive male role models in the child's life. Put them into direct contact with successful and loving, compassionate men in their everyday life. This can be family. teachers, coaches, neighbors, church groups, successful career men--let them meet successful men and learn how they relate and behave. This way they will have something positive that they can strive to emulate. Also--very important that the mother only relate to stable, compassionate males that treat her with the upmost respect.
I thought you might appreciate this thought......
dandylion
The subject was about the struggle of single m others (of fatherless kids/or abusive fathers). The major take away point, for me, was this: It is not just enough to remove the negative (father)---but the most important thing is to ALSO present the positive male role models in the child's life. Put them into direct contact with successful and loving, compassionate men in their everyday life. This can be family. teachers, coaches, neighbors, church groups, successful career men--let them meet successful men and learn how they relate and behave. This way they will have something positive that they can strive to emulate. Also--very important that the mother only relate to stable, compassionate males that treat her with the upmost respect.
I thought you might appreciate this thought......
dandylion
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Thanks Dandylion, that is really helpful. I'll have to see if I can find the show on OWN. I think I can do more to foster healthy relationships for my kids with truly good, healthy, successful men.
My boys are in martial arts with a great role model of an instructor. The men at our church are also lovely examples of compassionate family men (it's a small church, and they are all retirees, but still). My father and brother and brother-in-law are also good guys. There isn't room in my life for a man yet, but if that ever happens he will have to be a pretty damn amazing human being to pry my attention away from my kids.
I can tell my 2 year old daughter wants to see more examples of "daddies," she loves books and songs about families and dads. Heartbreaking but not unexpected. I am also in therapy and reading everything I can get my hands on. I don't vilify their dad, either. I have explained that he has an allergy to alcohol and because of that makes bad decisions that were hurting our family. Still, my kids just got a really bum deal. I know that they really need a present and loving father. I can't imagine growing up without mine.
My boys are in martial arts with a great role model of an instructor. The men at our church are also lovely examples of compassionate family men (it's a small church, and they are all retirees, but still). My father and brother and brother-in-law are also good guys. There isn't room in my life for a man yet, but if that ever happens he will have to be a pretty damn amazing human being to pry my attention away from my kids.
I can tell my 2 year old daughter wants to see more examples of "daddies," she loves books and songs about families and dads. Heartbreaking but not unexpected. I am also in therapy and reading everything I can get my hands on. I don't vilify their dad, either. I have explained that he has an allergy to alcohol and because of that makes bad decisions that were hurting our family. Still, my kids just got a really bum deal. I know that they really need a present and loving father. I can't imagine growing up without mine.
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Dandylion,
Thank you for that addition to the post! I struggle with how the drinking and violence my STBXAH has brought into my kids life has affected them. I have been feeling like my boys need good male guidance right now. I have them both in sports (coaches can have a little aggresive personalities also) but really want them to see all types of personalities.
So at school, just this week, I requested both super sweet male teachers for both boys for next year. The principal was very very receptive to my requests and I will be shocked if they do not get the teachers I asked for. I have always been a believer in letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Since I have left I have learned that I need to ask for what I know will be best for my kids. They may not have the Dad who acts the way I would like in their life but they will have good male role models, even if I have to demand they are in their lives.
4MyBoys
Thank you for that addition to the post! I struggle with how the drinking and violence my STBXAH has brought into my kids life has affected them. I have been feeling like my boys need good male guidance right now. I have them both in sports (coaches can have a little aggresive personalities also) but really want them to see all types of personalities.
So at school, just this week, I requested both super sweet male teachers for both boys for next year. The principal was very very receptive to my requests and I will be shocked if they do not get the teachers I asked for. I have always been a believer in letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Since I have left I have learned that I need to ask for what I know will be best for my kids. They may not have the Dad who acts the way I would like in their life but they will have good male role models, even if I have to demand they are in their lives.
4MyBoys
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4MYBoys, I think that was an excellent move. I can remember the powerful influence that some teachers had on my life--God bless the good teachers. I think sometimes, we single mothers are just struggling for basic survival and so wrapped up in mother's guilt that we forget the many and powerful opportunities to direct our kids toward the positive opportunies and experiences that are possible.
I wish I had seen that program when my children were young (lol--there was no Oprah).
I did the best I could--sports, camp, etc. But, had I been aware of how many opportunities exist---I would have been even more creative and pro-active, I am sure.
See--there goes my mother's guilt, again..........
good for you mom. You sound like a very caring mother.
dandylion
I wish I had seen that program when my children were young (lol--there was no Oprah).
I did the best I could--sports, camp, etc. But, had I been aware of how many opportunities exist---I would have been even more creative and pro-active, I am sure.
See--there goes my mother's guilt, again..........
good for you mom. You sound like a very caring mother.
dandylion
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Dear 4MyBoys, I just had a random thought for you. If you want to read a true story of how a mother can use her influence to direct her child in a certain direction in life---that will knock your socks off---read JENNY--the story of Winston Churchill"s mother. She was a commoner--but that didn't stop her. She put Winston where he was.
She was one clever and s***-kickin woman (and mother)
dandylion
She was one clever and s***-kickin woman (and mother)
dandylion
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Dear Charlie--please help me. Yes, I know that Winston Churchill was a raging drunk and often boorish--=I am overlooking that part (LOL). The point that I was trying to make was how the mother designed to direct her son toward specific influences that would be of great influence for the developing child---she surrounded him with the greatest thinkers and powerful people that she could find to be at their home and for winston to interact with. I don't think she counted on the alcohol thing.
A mother's power is my point--can be used to bring many things to her child's experience in the absence of a decent father.
But, how did President Obama get into this..........? Sometimes, I am very slow (LOL_.
dandylion
A mother's power is my point--can be used to bring many things to her child's experience in the absence of a decent father.
But, how did President Obama get into this..........? Sometimes, I am very slow (LOL_.
dandylion
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I know you said you aren't ready for someone new, but I had to share this with you.
My friend was over one morning, and was playing a computer game. 5 year old DS was sitting on his lap, and 10yo DS was sitting next to him, and they were all talking about the game.
They constantly ask me "when's N coming over again?" Just had to share.
My friend was over one morning, and was playing a computer game. 5 year old DS was sitting on his lap, and 10yo DS was sitting next to him, and they were all talking about the game.
They constantly ask me "when's N coming over again?" Just had to share.
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Pixilation--that sounds very sweet! My kids are pretty open and loving and I can see them getting attached to "someone new". If he was a good guy, I think it would be great for them, ultimately. Girls can dream...
Dandylion and Charlie--I think that Obama reference was from me in the original post. I better let my accountant know what I've been up to!
Dandylion and Charlie--I think that Obama reference was from me in the original post. I better let my accountant know what I've been up to!
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