EverHopeful721

So, I added a little 'retail therapy' to my recovery this weekend, lol. Bought myself a couple dresses, a pair of sandals and some jewelry. It was the first time in a long time that I actually enjoyed taking my time, browsing through the store and picking stuff out for myself. However, the most interesting event of the day occurred in the dressing room. (Uh-oh, another dressing room story....lol.)

I was in the dressing room, trying on these dresses - and that in and of itself was notable, because I was actually being 'adventurous' and trying on a style of dress I've never had the confidence to try on before. But in addition to that, I literally shocked myself when I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "Wow, this actually looks kinda nice on me!" Was I suddenly in love with every aspect of my body and believing that it looked 'perfect'? No way - not by a long shot! But I was rather surprised that IN SPITE of the many, many flaws I believe my body to have, I was able to look in the mirror and say, "Yeah, I still need to lose 20 lbs., and I could definitely use some 'firming up,' but all in all, I look nice in this dress and I can wear it out in public without the painful self-consciousness that sometimes threatens to cripple me." Not sure where it came from or what prompted it, but I was actually KIND to myself, which was a really foreign experience, but it felt good.

Now for the negative....

I must admit, as I was trying the dresses on, the thought popped into my head, "Wow....I wish C could see me in THIS." And it wasn't in an "I'll show HIM what he's missing!!" kinda way....it was more a "Maybe if he saw me looking this nice, he'd want to be with me again" kinda way. I know, I know - BAD thinking, EverHopeful!! And believe me, as quick as the thought came, the rational part of my brain chimed in with, "Don't kid yourself!! He wouldn't have appreciated it ANYWAY - he never DID!! You always made sure you looked nice when you went to see him, and he never appreciated it THEN....so why would he care NOW??" So I was able to quickly derail that misguided train of thought.

But I've noticed in the last few days, that I seem to be....'softening'.....when I think of him. I don't know how to explain it. It's almost like all the negative thoughts, the stuff I NEED to remember, have gone MIA and been replaced with an incredible yearning to be with him again. And it terrifies me, because when I feel like this, I know FOR CERTAIN, that if I were to get a text from him, I'd be there like a shot. I feel like if he called me with the promise of giving me another 'fix,' I'd be helpless to resist, and I don't think I'd care one bit what anyone had to say about it.... Now, of course, the saving grace in all of this is that he WON'T ever text me again, so I don't have to worry about it. But regardless, it just disturbs me that I seem to be backsliding, and I have no idea why or where it came from all of a sudden. Maybe I'm in some weird stage of denial?? Like I'm romanticizing everything again and 'forgetting' the bad stuff?

I don't know....just ruminating and thought I'd put my thoughts out there, see if anyone has any idea what I'm talking about ('cuz I sure don't! lol) or some ideas on how to get some traction on this slippery slope I seem to be sliding down. Thanks, guys.

laurie6781

Yes, that has happened to many of us.

What I did, and I am sure others have done, is I put the most 'glaring' negatives of my relationship on a 3 x 5 index card that I carried with me. And when I would have the nice 'warm fuzzy' thoughts appear I would bring out the card to remind me of why I was NC and moving on with getting to know me.

It is okay to have these 'warm fuzzies' but they are not the reality of your life now, they are from your 'what I would have liked our whole life to be.'

You are progressing!!!!!

Love and hugs,

allforcnm

great post. I think almost every woman can visualize looking in the mirror while in the fitting room; sometimes cringing, and sometimes thinking 'I look good'. - lol. I think it is ok that you had that momentary lapse about your ex; what is important is the realization that came after - that the relationship is not what you need, and certainty that you deserve to be 100% loved & appreciated for all you are. I think your making great progress.

eveewonder

Everhopeful, if it helps the exact same things happen to me. I think it is because it is a loss even if it is a good one for good reasons it is a loss. It is natural for our brains to forget the bad and the pain and want to replace it. Think of a loved one or friend who has passed. Maybe you didn't have a great relationship with that person but after they have passed and time goes by your mind changes the relationship in many ways and you remember more good than bad. Maybe it is to help us from becoming hard, bitter, critical creatures and remaining empathetic humans. Being human can be painful but I'll take it over being a drugged out zombie who feels nothing. You make sure the next person you are with tells you that you look stunning and gorgeous in every darn thing you ever wear even if it is pink bunny slippers and a purple moomoo :-)

boldaslove

I changed his number to, DON'T ANSWER DRUG ADDICT. Just a little reminder to myself, because I have the same problem thinking.

LoveMeNow

I am glad you took some time for you. I don't think you can ever go wrong with a little retail therapy, lol.

Everhopeful, you deserve to be treated like the beautiful person you are not some intermittent chicken. I think what you described happens to all of us at times and describes the call of addiction so well.

You do not need him to validate you. You do not need a "fix". Some people relapse and never find there way back.

You deserve to be happy, you just have to truly believe that. He is not on that path. Setting goals have helped me. For example, what do you want your life to look like in 6 months or a year? Does that image really include him?

Stay strong, you deserve so much better. No more chicken dances for you as you were meant to be a beautiful swan.

interrupted

Mmmmmm, retail therapy, I'll take that over cheesecake any day! I see my therapist once a week, but I visit my retail therapist so often that my debit card is physically hot to the touch. Yow!

Seriously though, the rose colored hindsight is completely normal with anything: addict ex (he was so good looking when he wasn't slumped over unconscious burning a hole in the couch with a forgotten cigarette!); regular ex (so intelligent but somehow can't operate a dishwasher.); city you grew up in (how is it possible I have forgotten 220 rainy days per year?!); long lost cat that was perfect (except for routinely peeing in the clean clothes hamper, ahem.) You see what I mean? We romanticize the past.

I have no idea why we tend to look back on terrible relationships with ennui, maybe it's some sort of cognitive dissonance to protect our fragile ego from the realization that we made a long series of bad decisions? It's anybody's guess.

I like the idea of changing the name on the phone to a particular incident, like "pawned gram's pearls" or something. Also the card with reminders of what life was really like, and then read it anytime another dressing room moment strikes.

story74

I can totally relate to everything you are going thru!!!!

I am in a good place. I'm happy, but still loosing my xah is still a part of me. He really was my best friend. We had a son together. That means someting to me. His departure was abrubt and shocking. No mater what the signs were.

The past 2 years has been such an emotional process. I have allowed myself much time to think and feel. I have gone through all the emotions. It will get better.

I was driving home today and for the first time felt such love toward my addict. Now, I haven't heard from him for 7 months. He has seen my son 3 times in a year and is WAY behind on state mandated child support. It is total BS. He has betrayed me, he has turned his back on his son. And, here I was with all these warm and fuzzy feelings. WTF? Usually I want him to die, but lately I have been hoping that he gets healthy. I feel like this is another healing growth spurt. I am sort of ready to forgive and move on, yet I haven't quite gotten there. I am still struggling with forgiveness. For example, if he was to text me that he wants contact with our son I would be less then nice...if I would even awknowledge the text. Thats how we communicated...text. Total joke. After some analization on these weird warm and fuzzy feelings I realized I am ready to move on. This is life. Am I suppose to mourn forever, or do I deserve happines. I want happy. I have a lot to offer. I will always love him. Why? Who the F*&^ knows. Father of my son? We spent 16 years together? I don't know. But, I still love him. In fact, I have been finding myself and taking care of myself for the first time in 5 years. I was looking at a dress and I thought the same exact insane thoughts you did! Will he think I am hot in this dress. Then, I thought...wait a second...!!!!! I caught myself. So, it helped me to accept I love him. He has **** on me and my son, but for some weird reason I love him. So I accepted this. BUT...that being said, I know he is all wrong. I would not run back into his arms. No way! But, I love him. It is a new feeling. I like this better then anger. Although, I am still angry. I still repeat what happened in my mind, but to a lesser extent. I am healing.

So yes, we can have insane thoughts...will he like me in this dress...but we let those thoughts go as they came.

You control your happiness. Keep feeling and thinking and allow yourself that. Let your emotions out, and find yourself. Take care of yourself because you really do deserve it!!!!

EverHopeful721

Thank you all so much for the encouraging responses! As always, the support means more than I can say, and I'm sending big *cyberhugs* to all of you tonight!!

laurie - You're right - those 'warm fuzzies' are very much from 'what I had hoped could be,' not what actually was. As my therapist reminded me tonight, "You know you still haven't accepted that all of the 'good stuff' about C is what YOU are projecting ONTO him and not what he really is, right??" And I love the index card idea....although I might need more than one, LOL!!

allforcnm - Yes, I think it shows progress that as quick as the thought entered my head, I was able to counter-balance it with a statement that is MUCH CLOSER to the truth.

eveewonder - I agree, I'd much rather be a 'feeling' human, even if it means feeling pain, than a zombie who has to numb their feelings. And I definitely don't want this experience to make me into one of the 'eggs' from crazybabie's story the other day!! And if I can find a guy who will think I look stunning in a pair of pink bunny slippers and a purple moomoo, then I'll KNOW he's a keeper!!

boldaslove - That's a great idea! I really don't think I have to worry about him ever contacting me again, as not only is he 'done' with me but I'm pretty sure he probably hates me for telling my brothers what he did, but it can't hurt to do it anyway, just in case, right?

LMN - That's a really good point about some people not finding their way back from a relapse, and one I really need to remember, because I think that would be the case for me....this man had/has SUCH a hold on me, it's almost scary. And what's even MORE scary are the lengths I went to, the things I sacrificed - such as pride, self-respect, my own safety and physical wellbeing - in an effort to keep him with me. I just know if I ever went back to him, I would surrender to my DOC and be lost forever. I have to say, your post brought tears to my eyes.

interrupted - LOL!! Your first paragraph cracked me up!! And yes, I see what you mean about rose-colored hindsight (sorry about the cat and the clothes hamper - even though it really made me laugh!) But you may be onto something there, about maybe trying to protect our egos from all the bad decisions we made and saying, "Hey, it really wasn't THAT bad...!!" I guess what we have to remember is that it's okay to reminisce and romanticize a bit, as long as we don't wait too long to get back to reality and remind ourselves of all the reasons our A's weren't good for us! We have to remember the saying - "It's okay to visit the past, just don't bring an overnight bag." Oh, and 'pawned Grams pearls"?? Hahaha - love it! Cracked me right up again!!

story - I couldn't imagine how much more painful it must be to share a child...((hugs)). But I can relate to the departure being abrupt and shocking, even though all the signs were right in front of me. And I must say, your newfound peace with loving him despite everything that happened really intrigues me. Because THAT'S how I've been feeling lately....still very hurt, still angry, still confused and conflicted....yet STILL feeling love for him, to the point where I'm afraid that I may love this man for the rest of my life, I may never be free of this love. And that just seems wrong and not very promising for ever finding love with another man. Yet, the feeling remains. So I'm definitely going to print out your response and tuck it away until I'm a little stronger and a little further along before pulling it out and exploring it a little more deeply. But I thank you for sharing that with me and making me realize that it may not be the end of the world to always have some love for him and that it's OKAY to not be able to explain why and just accept that sometimes, it just IS.

Again, an extra-big thank you to all you guys!! You all absolutely ROCK!!!

Vale

EH721 wrote:

>>>>>>>>But I've noticed in the last few days, that I seem to be....'softening'.....when I think of him. I don't know how to explain it. It's almost like all the negative thoughts, the stuff I NEED to remember, have gone MIA and been replaced with an incredible yearning to be with him again. And it terrifies me, because when I feel like this, I know FOR CERTAIN, that if I were to get a text from him, I'd be there like a shot. I feel like if he called me with the promise of giving me another 'fix,' I'd be helpless to resist, and I don't think I'd care one bit what anyone had to say about it.... Now, of course, the saving grace in all of this is that he WON'T ever text me again, so I don't have to worry about it. But regardless, it just disturbs me that I seem to be backsliding, and I have no idea why or where it came from all of a sudden. Maybe I'm in some weird stage of denial?? Like I'm romanticizing everything again and 'forgetting' the bad stuff?

I don't know....just ruminating and thought I'd put my thoughts out there, see if anyone has any idea what I'm talking about ('cuz I sure don't! lol) or some ideas on how to get some traction on this slippery slope I seem to be sliding down. Thanks, guys.

===============================

Keep a journal. That way you don't have to IMAGINE with rose colored glasses.
Like ladies and childbirth----I think there's a REASON nature makes you forget the
excruciating agony of it. If you remembered perfectly, it'd be unlikely that any big
families would come into being!

But it is our best interest to remember. The hurt, the mistreatment, the endless
pointless lies. But ABOVE all that , the ULTIMATE HORROR.....is to get to the zone
where all these indignities, suffering, and bad treatment become.....normal.

Beyond that is madness. Surrender to a "DOC". Crossing the event horizon of a
black hole, from which nothing (not even light) can escape.

What's wrong with loving or caring about him? You can do that and need not explain
why to ANYONE. But speaking as someone foolish enough to navigate my ship
ship close to a black hole-----caring without detachment can be a dangerous journey.
Those tidal forces can tear your ship apart. You may not have enough
delta-v (fuel) to escape.

Caring about them (with detachment) is free.
Messing with black holes............isn't.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, Vale. You know, it's interesting that you brought up keeping a journal, as my therapist and I discussed the same thing last week. He thinks it would be really good for me to keep one, and I've been hemming and hawing about doing so, lol. You're right - nature has a way of letting us 'forget the pain,' and that's not always a good thing, especially not when going BACK to that pain could be the end of us - both figuratively AND literally!!

I know exactly what you mean about the ULTIMATE HORROR, that point where the bad stuff becomes 'normal.' And I have to say, I was definitely on the verge of accepting all of it as normal - hell, I think I already HAD accepted it! And what hit that point home for me was a few weeks ago, when I was telling my therapist about the worst night with my XA, the night when his behavior was the most hurtful, the most callous and the most unacceptable (although not unacceptable enough at the time to keep me from going back). It's something I haven't openly shared on SR, due to the shame and embarrassment I feel over it, but suffice it to say that I ended up getting hurt pretty badly, and I feared I might have to go to the ER, because something was obviously very wrong. Thankfully, I didn't have to go and I healed just fine. Don't get me wrong, it was unintentional on my XA's part - I don't believe he had 'set out' to injure me, it just happened and honestly, there was no pain. But the worst thing about that night was his REACTION to my injury. THAT is what hurt me more than anything else. But of course, I excused it away.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that as I was relaying this story to my therapist, when I got to the 'worst' part of it, I glanced up at him (because I tend to look down or off to the side when I talk about difficult subjects) and I saw him close his eyes briefly, almost as if it pained him to hear what I was saying. And it just kind of mentally stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that as much as I told myself that it really wasn't a big deal, I was starting to see that maybe it WAS a big deal. My mom is the only other person I told about that night, and of course, her reaction was one of outrage - but I expected it to be, because she's my mom and she loves me and of course, she's going to think that any little thing he did which hurt me is some horrible crime, ya know? We expect our family and closest friends to side with us, so again, I just figured, okay, well she's my mom, so of course, she's going to have that kind of reaction. But when I saw my therapist have that reaction, like it really bothered HIM, and I'm really nobody of import to him personally...that's when I started realizing I had been accepting the way he treated me as 'normal behavior.'

But I guess what's really pathetic is that DESPITE all of the bad stuff, I still care for this man, still love him. And if he'd have me, I'd probably still be putting up with that treatment and trying to convince myself that he meant it when he SAID he loved me, even though his ACTIONS said something completely different. So really who's sicker, him or me?? Sometimes I just don't even know anymore. But avoiding the black holes...? Well now, that's some EXCELLENT advice.....because I know now that if HE hadn't ended it, I never would have had enough fuel to escape. Hell, I never would have even TRIED....