I can't do this alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: North of South Dakota
Posts: 86
I can't do this alone.
Hello, I am new to this website.
I am trying to get my drinking under control, but have been struggling deeply because there is no external reason for me to quit (only internal reasons). I am a closet drinker. I live alone. I don’t interact with a whole lot of people. I see my family every now-and-again and they don’t even know I drink – let alone struggle with it. I’ve made excuses not to go and do things because I know I won’t be able to drink. I’m the guy that goes out to the bar with his friends, has a few drinks, and then makes up some lame excuse for going home (I’ve got some homework to do, I’ve got a long day tomorrow) only to drink myself into oblivion. There will be no intervention, because nobody even knows. I am a college student, no wife, no kids, not even a girlfriend. I have nobody to keep me accountable other than me. I want to quit, but the cravings my body has, along with habit, are making me turn the corner to head towards the liquor store even though my mind is screaming, “Dude, what are you doing!”
I feel like everyone needs to “tell their story” to somebody else to make it real; to get it out and be held accountable. Mine is much like all the other stories on here.
But first, I want to talk about my consumption. I drink a 750ml of vodka every day, with the occasional days off where I am too hungover, family trips, or if I catch a cold. I drink vodka because it’s cheap and will mix in with almost anything.
It first became real to me sitting in a Western Civilization class in college. We had a test that day. The test was multiple choice, along with an essay. The good part was the professor gave us a heads up on what the essay would specifically be about. He did this because the essay portion was worth 100 points and we were required to write two full pages. When I got to the essay I smiled. The question was exactly on what the professor had said. Luckily, I had studied the crap out of the subject matter and wrote extensive notes – which I looked at before class started to refresh. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I practically had my notes memorized. I got about four sentences in and my hand started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t write a simple letter. I tried writing an “O” and it started off in a circle, but quickly turned to sharp zig-zags. I got really worried. Then, without my body temp going up at all, my hands began to sweat. So badly I could hardly hold my pen. I knew exactly how to finish the essay and I couldn’t finish!
I took the professor aside and told him total ******** about being diabetic (I’m not diabetic, as far as I know). I told him I was having an episode and showed him my shaky sweaty hands. I showed him what I tried to write and he couldn’t make any sense of it out. “Looks like baby scribble” he said. So he took out a dollar bill, told me to go down the hall to the vending machines, and get myself a candy bar. Well, I knew a lousy candy bar wouldn’t help me. So I told him I didn’t want to take his money. I just needed to get some fresh air and relax for 15 minutes. I went outside, jumped into my car, and drove home. I bombed a test in which I was completely prepared for!
That story happened over a year ago.
Since then, the withdrawal like symptoms has only gotten worse. Plus there has been plenty of other “eye-openers”, from waking up soaked in urine, to waking up naked in the tub where the water has actually turned cold, and having no memory of taking a bath. If I don’t drink my hands shake. I start to sweat, mostly my hands and feet. I can’t fall asleep completely sober, my body has become too dependent on alcohol. My health has gone down. My weight has gone up. I can’t concentrate. I have no motivation. If I have a day off, I usually spend it lying in bed all day with the curtains drawn. Even if I’m not all that hungover, I just don’t have the resources to do anything productive – I should be doing laundry, or cleaning my place, or changing my car oil, or grocery shopping, or getting some fresh air. Most people spend their days off doing things they simply don’t have time for during the work week.
I’ve told myself that I “don’t have to not drink alcohol for the rest of my life, I just have to not drink any alcohol today” to try and scale back an otherwise daunting task. This whole year I’ve been able to make it a day or two here, or a day or two there.
So I decided to come on here and interact with everybody, make a few friends. Hopefully talking about living sober, the trials and temptations, and getting some support, feedback, encouragement will help ease the feeling that I am doing this alone.
I am trying to get my drinking under control, but have been struggling deeply because there is no external reason for me to quit (only internal reasons). I am a closet drinker. I live alone. I don’t interact with a whole lot of people. I see my family every now-and-again and they don’t even know I drink – let alone struggle with it. I’ve made excuses not to go and do things because I know I won’t be able to drink. I’m the guy that goes out to the bar with his friends, has a few drinks, and then makes up some lame excuse for going home (I’ve got some homework to do, I’ve got a long day tomorrow) only to drink myself into oblivion. There will be no intervention, because nobody even knows. I am a college student, no wife, no kids, not even a girlfriend. I have nobody to keep me accountable other than me. I want to quit, but the cravings my body has, along with habit, are making me turn the corner to head towards the liquor store even though my mind is screaming, “Dude, what are you doing!”
I feel like everyone needs to “tell their story” to somebody else to make it real; to get it out and be held accountable. Mine is much like all the other stories on here.
But first, I want to talk about my consumption. I drink a 750ml of vodka every day, with the occasional days off where I am too hungover, family trips, or if I catch a cold. I drink vodka because it’s cheap and will mix in with almost anything.
It first became real to me sitting in a Western Civilization class in college. We had a test that day. The test was multiple choice, along with an essay. The good part was the professor gave us a heads up on what the essay would specifically be about. He did this because the essay portion was worth 100 points and we were required to write two full pages. When I got to the essay I smiled. The question was exactly on what the professor had said. Luckily, I had studied the crap out of the subject matter and wrote extensive notes – which I looked at before class started to refresh. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I practically had my notes memorized. I got about four sentences in and my hand started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t write a simple letter. I tried writing an “O” and it started off in a circle, but quickly turned to sharp zig-zags. I got really worried. Then, without my body temp going up at all, my hands began to sweat. So badly I could hardly hold my pen. I knew exactly how to finish the essay and I couldn’t finish!
I took the professor aside and told him total ******** about being diabetic (I’m not diabetic, as far as I know). I told him I was having an episode and showed him my shaky sweaty hands. I showed him what I tried to write and he couldn’t make any sense of it out. “Looks like baby scribble” he said. So he took out a dollar bill, told me to go down the hall to the vending machines, and get myself a candy bar. Well, I knew a lousy candy bar wouldn’t help me. So I told him I didn’t want to take his money. I just needed to get some fresh air and relax for 15 minutes. I went outside, jumped into my car, and drove home. I bombed a test in which I was completely prepared for!
That story happened over a year ago.
Since then, the withdrawal like symptoms has only gotten worse. Plus there has been plenty of other “eye-openers”, from waking up soaked in urine, to waking up naked in the tub where the water has actually turned cold, and having no memory of taking a bath. If I don’t drink my hands shake. I start to sweat, mostly my hands and feet. I can’t fall asleep completely sober, my body has become too dependent on alcohol. My health has gone down. My weight has gone up. I can’t concentrate. I have no motivation. If I have a day off, I usually spend it lying in bed all day with the curtains drawn. Even if I’m not all that hungover, I just don’t have the resources to do anything productive – I should be doing laundry, or cleaning my place, or changing my car oil, or grocery shopping, or getting some fresh air. Most people spend their days off doing things they simply don’t have time for during the work week.
I’ve told myself that I “don’t have to not drink alcohol for the rest of my life, I just have to not drink any alcohol today” to try and scale back an otherwise daunting task. This whole year I’ve been able to make it a day or two here, or a day or two there.
So I decided to come on here and interact with everybody, make a few friends. Hopefully talking about living sober, the trials and temptations, and getting some support, feedback, encouragement will help ease the feeling that I am doing this alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 212
Welcome Starflyer!
My hands were shaking so bad when I stopped and I was sweating 24/7. I also had heart palpitations with panick attacks.
I went off cold turkey with no outside help and it was very scary. When I look back I know I should've seen a doctor but I was just too embarrassed..very stupid...
I have been sober for 16 days now and I feel so much more better physically and mentally!
I promise you that after few weeks sober you'll feel totally different!! It will be a hard two weeks but you will never regret it.
I hope you'll keep coming here and posting.
I wish you all the best!
My hands were shaking so bad when I stopped and I was sweating 24/7. I also had heart palpitations with panick attacks.
I went off cold turkey with no outside help and it was very scary. When I look back I know I should've seen a doctor but I was just too embarrassed..very stupid...
I have been sober for 16 days now and I feel so much more better physically and mentally!
I promise you that after few weeks sober you'll feel totally different!! It will be a hard two weeks but you will never regret it.
I hope you'll keep coming here and posting.
I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 571
Hey Star and welcome to SR. Your post really clicked with me, I could have wrote it myself. I'm also a student, 21 and a loner and have done all those things in your post.
For me it's a general lack of confidence which just gets so much worse with alcohol. I'd shut myself away for days on end in my room in the dark, usually drunk, wanting to avoid everyone and everything.
I really wish you the best of luck. The fact that you're here is a major step. Apologies if this post is confusing, I myself am on the way back from a bit of a bender, so it's 3am here and I can't sleep for toffee!
For me it's a general lack of confidence which just gets so much worse with alcohol. I'd shut myself away for days on end in my room in the dark, usually drunk, wanting to avoid everyone and everything.
I really wish you the best of luck. The fact that you're here is a major step. Apologies if this post is confusing, I myself am on the way back from a bit of a bender, so it's 3am here and I can't sleep for toffee!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome to a great place Starflyer. I think it'll really help you to be here with us. We understand how you feel like no one else can.
On another thread earlier today I mentioned my hands shaking so bad once that I couldn't get a spoonful of soup up to my mouth (having lunch with my boss). That same day someone handed me a birthday card to sign & I couldn't control the pen to write one letter. So - I do relate to what happened with your test. (Of course that was far more serious.) You're many years younger than I was when I first questioned my drinking. I went on into my 50's still playing with it - with disastrous results, and almost death. This doesn't have to happen to you. I'm glad you came here to discuss your situation. You'll find the support you need.
On another thread earlier today I mentioned my hands shaking so bad once that I couldn't get a spoonful of soup up to my mouth (having lunch with my boss). That same day someone handed me a birthday card to sign & I couldn't control the pen to write one letter. So - I do relate to what happened with your test. (Of course that was far more serious.) You're many years younger than I was when I first questioned my drinking. I went on into my 50's still playing with it - with disastrous results, and almost death. This doesn't have to happen to you. I'm glad you came here to discuss your situation. You'll find the support you need.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Starflyer
Not being funny but these sound like some excellent external reasons to me:
I do know what you mean tho - for a long time, I was basically the only one to consider...and I didn't think that much of myself....the sober alternative seemed strange, unfulfilling, and a little scary - so I kept drinking...
the thing is alcoholism is progressive.
For 15 years I was as secret as secret could be.
Then my drinking overtook me - my addiction became very public...very obvious...and by that stage I was so far gone, I didn't give a damn.
The point is external, internal reasons - it doesn't matter.
You have a raft of good reasons to quit - right now
You'll find a lot of support here too
Welcome
D
Not being funny but these sound like some excellent external reasons to me:
Since then, the withdrawal like symptoms has only gotten worse. Plus there has been plenty of other “eye-openers”, from waking up soaked in urine, to waking up naked in the tub where the water has actually turned cold, and having no memory of taking a bath. If I don’t drink my hands shake. I start to sweat, mostly my hands and feet. I can’t fall asleep completely sober, my body has become too dependent on alcohol. My health has gone down. My weight has gone up. I can’t concentrate. I have no motivation. If I have a day off, I usually spend it lying in bed all day with the curtains drawn. Even if I’m not all that hungover, I just don’t have the resources to do anything productive – I should be doing laundry, or cleaning my place, or changing my car oil, or grocery shopping, or getting some fresh air. Most people spend their days off doing things they simply don’t have time for during the work week.
the thing is alcoholism is progressive.
For 15 years I was as secret as secret could be.
Then my drinking overtook me - my addiction became very public...very obvious...and by that stage I was so far gone, I didn't give a damn.
The point is external, internal reasons - it doesn't matter.
You have a raft of good reasons to quit - right now
You'll find a lot of support here too
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 18
Starflyer,
Welcome to the forum. Bismarck.....I grew up there. I'm confident we don't know each other so don't worry about confidentiality, I'm 51 yrs old, graduated BHS in '79.
I went to my first AA meeting on September 7, 1981 in Fresno, California. I haven't had a drink since. That was shortly after my 20th birthday. Sounds like you need to be here, you symptoms are pretty severe by your description.
Keep posting as often as you feel like and if your open to the idea, look up where there is an AA meeting in town. I know they have them, my mother had close to 50 years sobriety by the time she passed.
BTW, there is a post in the newcomers section for people who have joined in June 2013. You may be interested in it since so many of the contributors are in the same boat you're in right now. It's titled "Class of June 2013", I found it on page two of this forum.
Hang in there, one day at a time, hour by hour. This will work if you let it.
Rob
Welcome to the forum. Bismarck.....I grew up there. I'm confident we don't know each other so don't worry about confidentiality, I'm 51 yrs old, graduated BHS in '79.
I went to my first AA meeting on September 7, 1981 in Fresno, California. I haven't had a drink since. That was shortly after my 20th birthday. Sounds like you need to be here, you symptoms are pretty severe by your description.
Keep posting as often as you feel like and if your open to the idea, look up where there is an AA meeting in town. I know they have them, my mother had close to 50 years sobriety by the time she passed.
BTW, there is a post in the newcomers section for people who have joined in June 2013. You may be interested in it since so many of the contributors are in the same boat you're in right now. It's titled "Class of June 2013", I found it on page two of this forum.
Hang in there, one day at a time, hour by hour. This will work if you let it.
Rob
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR! Aside from being older when I quit, your post sounds like me. I'm divorced (long ago) and don't have anyone else to keep me accountable. I ultimately decided I could have a legit shot at the kind of life I've always wanted or I could drink- but not both.
AVRT is what has worked for me. You can google it, I can't link it here. It's kept me sober for 8 months so far.
You should consult a doctor before you try to quit. Withdrawal if you go cold turkey off that amount of drinking can be life threatening. I drank about the same amount as you and I simply quit, but I didn't know better and just got lucky.
Good to have you here! The decision you're preparing to make could save your life. You're way too young to throw it all away.
AVRT is what has worked for me. You can google it, I can't link it here. It's kept me sober for 8 months so far.
You should consult a doctor before you try to quit. Withdrawal if you go cold turkey off that amount of drinking can be life threatening. I drank about the same amount as you and I simply quit, but I didn't know better and just got lucky.
Good to have you here! The decision you're preparing to make could save your life. You're way too young to throw it all away.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
