I accept my part in all this, but now I need your opinion.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
I accept my part in all this, but now I need your opinion.
Hello Everyone,
I'm not even married, but I have taken on the role of wife and it's not right. My alcoholic boyfriend is currently taking night classes. The program doesn't end until Dec. I planned on waiting until he graduates to see if he will really step up and assist with bills, but deep down I know he wont.
I have enabled him for 4 years off and on. Tried to "help" with his finances so we could have a "normal" relationship. I've given him cash several times and he has blown it every...single...time. He has exhibited selfish and manipulative ways to get what he wants. When I call him on it, he apologizes and on we go.
He has all day to work, but doesn't. He wants to work for himself (which I invested my $ in) and works 12 hours per week max. I have asked him more than once to take more hours, but he says it's not worth it because of the child support order. I don't give him any more than gas/cig money now. He is also sneaking and drinking now. I never asked him to stop, I asked him to drink less. God I feel stupid reading what I have written. What makes it hard is that he is so kind to me 99.9% of the time. I believe he truly loves me, but I cannot continue this way. I finally remembered there are plenty of men who will treat me just fine.
My questions are:
1-What did it finally take for you to kick someone out of your home knowing they had nowhere to go?
2-Have any of you known an addict who is NOT selfish and full of excuses? Thank you.
I'm not even married, but I have taken on the role of wife and it's not right. My alcoholic boyfriend is currently taking night classes. The program doesn't end until Dec. I planned on waiting until he graduates to see if he will really step up and assist with bills, but deep down I know he wont.
I have enabled him for 4 years off and on. Tried to "help" with his finances so we could have a "normal" relationship. I've given him cash several times and he has blown it every...single...time. He has exhibited selfish and manipulative ways to get what he wants. When I call him on it, he apologizes and on we go.
He has all day to work, but doesn't. He wants to work for himself (which I invested my $ in) and works 12 hours per week max. I have asked him more than once to take more hours, but he says it's not worth it because of the child support order. I don't give him any more than gas/cig money now. He is also sneaking and drinking now. I never asked him to stop, I asked him to drink less. God I feel stupid reading what I have written. What makes it hard is that he is so kind to me 99.9% of the time. I believe he truly loves me, but I cannot continue this way. I finally remembered there are plenty of men who will treat me just fine.
My questions are:
1-What did it finally take for you to kick someone out of your home knowing they had nowhere to go?
2-Have any of you known an addict who is NOT selfish and full of excuses? Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
In answer to question number one, it takes what it takes, sounds like you have reached the end of your rope, you are the only one who will act in your own behalf. It's hard, but being unhappy is not good for you, or him.
In asnwer to question number two, yes. Active addiction is a breeding ground for manipulation and selfishess. It's part of the disease.
I hope you will continue to post and welcome to the forum.
Make yourself comfortable. We are here to support and help in anyway we can.
katie
In asnwer to question number two, yes. Active addiction is a breeding ground for manipulation and selfishess. It's part of the disease.
I hope you will continue to post and welcome to the forum.
Make yourself comfortable. We are here to support and help in anyway we can.
katie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
rryy1177,
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am a recovering alcoholic and I was married to one.
I found that my denial was so deeply entrenched (grew up with alcohol issues too, my father) that after the apology, I could actually forget what happened.
And, sometimes, not until months or even years later, it would come back.
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again."
"what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week.......
This was my experience, and I do not want to remember any more.
We are divorced and I do not like to think about it.
Don't have to now.
wow, what if the father of your children felt that way?
Doesn't want to work because his ex wife might get more support money?
Is that how it is? Or did I misunderstand?
The selfish and manipulative behavior will continue until you end it.
He certainly will not end it.
He is in drunk heaven.
This thing about the child support? It is letting you know SO MUCH about his character.
Oh no, you are not stupid at all. It happens to the best of us, believe me.
Actually coming to this awareness now is crucial and very astute of you.
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
So glad you found us. We are here to support you!
Beth
When I call him on it, he apologizes and on we go.
I found that my denial was so deeply entrenched (grew up with alcohol issues too, my father) that after the apology, I could actually forget what happened.
And, sometimes, not until months or even years later, it would come back.
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again."
"what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week.......
This was my experience, and I do not want to remember any more.
We are divorced and I do not like to think about it.
Don't have to now.
but he says it's not worth it because of the child support order.
wow, what if the father of your children felt that way?
Doesn't want to work because his ex wife might get more support money?
Is that how it is? Or did I misunderstand?
The selfish and manipulative behavior will continue until you end it.
He certainly will not end it.
He is in drunk heaven.
This thing about the child support? It is letting you know SO MUCH about his character.
God I feel stupid reading what I have written.
Actually coming to this awareness now is crucial and very astute of you.
Awareness.
Acceptance.
Action.
So glad you found us. We are here to support you!
Beth
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
Question 1When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you,ll be able to do it.
Question 2 No,never met one.
B][/B]
Question 1When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you,ll be able to do it.
Question 2 No,never met one.
B][/B]
Originally Posted by rry1177 
Hello Everyone,
I'm not even married, but I have taken on the role of wife and it's not right. My alcoholic boyfriend is currently taking night classes. The program doesn't end until Dec. I planned on waiting until he graduates to see if he will really step up and assist with bills, but deep down I know he wont.
I have enabled him for 4 years off and on. Tried to "help" with his finances so we could have a "normal" relationship. I've given him cash several times and he has blown it every...single...time. He has exhibited selfish and manipulative ways to get what he wants. When I call him on it, he apologizes and on we go.
He has all day to work, but doesn't. He wants to work for himself (which I invested my $ in) and works 12 hours per week max. I have asked him more than once to take more hours, but he says it's not worth it because of the child support order. I don't give him any more than gas/cig money now. He is also sneaking and drinking now. I never asked him to stop, I asked him to drink less. God I feel stupid reading what I have written. What makes it hard is that he is so kind to me 99.9% of the time. I believe he truly loves me, but I cannot continue this way. I finally remembered there are plenty of men who will treat me just fine.
My questions are:
1-What did it finally take for you to kick someone out of your home knowing they had nowhere to go?
2-Have any of you known an addict who is NOT selfish and full of excuses? Thank you.
I'm not even married, but I have taken on the role of wife and it's not right. My alcoholic boyfriend is currently taking night classes. The program doesn't end until Dec. I planned on waiting until he graduates to see if he will really step up and assist with bills, but deep down I know he wont.
I have enabled him for 4 years off and on. Tried to "help" with his finances so we could have a "normal" relationship. I've given him cash several times and he has blown it every...single...time. He has exhibited selfish and manipulative ways to get what he wants. When I call him on it, he apologizes and on we go.
He has all day to work, but doesn't. He wants to work for himself (which I invested my $ in) and works 12 hours per week max. I have asked him more than once to take more hours, but he says it's not worth it because of the child support order. I don't give him any more than gas/cig money now. He is also sneaking and drinking now. I never asked him to stop, I asked him to drink less. God I feel stupid reading what I have written. What makes it hard is that he is so kind to me 99.9% of the time. I believe he truly loves me, but I cannot continue this way. I finally remembered there are plenty of men who will treat me just fine.
My questions are:
1-What did it finally take for you to kick someone out of your home knowing they had nowhere to go?
2-Have any of you known an addict who is NOT selfish and full of excuses? Thank you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by wicked
rryy1177,
Wow, what if the father of your children felt that way?
Doesn't want to work because his ex wife might get more support money?
Is that how it is? Or did i misunderstand?
The selfish and manipulative behavior will continue until you end it.
he certainly will not end it.
He is in drunk heaven.
This thing about the child support? It is letting you know so much about his character.
Beth
Wow, what if the father of your children felt that way?
Doesn't want to work because his ex wife might get more support money?
Is that how it is? Or did i misunderstand?
The selfish and manipulative behavior will continue until you end it.
he certainly will not end it.
He is in drunk heaven.
This thing about the child support? It is letting you know so much about his character.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
just a waiting for you
Originally Posted by rry1177
I finally remembered there are plenty of men who will treat me just fine.
that's a great thing to remember
and there are plenty out there
I had a very lazy lady in my life once
she brought to the relationship not much
seemed that I always ended up giving 80% of everything needed
later after she was long gone
I found the one that has it all -- for me anyway
she loves and fears God, loves me, has a good job and income
someone like this is out there just a waiting for you
later in life sometimes we wonder
why did I waste so much time with the wrong one's ???
and there are plenty out there
I had a very lazy lady in my life once
she brought to the relationship not much
seemed that I always ended up giving 80% of everything needed
later after she was long gone
I found the one that has it all -- for me anyway
she loves and fears God, loves me, has a good job and income
someone like this is out there just a waiting for you
later in life sometimes we wonder
why did I waste so much time with the wrong one's ???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
1. who says he has nowhere to go? addicts are quite resourceful - he managed to work THIS cushy scenario for 4 years now, having someone support him...i'm sure he can do so again.
2. yes actually I HAVE known addicts that aren't the scourge of the earth and so hugely selfish that they suck everyone dry.
now THIS guy....he has shown you what he is about...it ain't taking care of his kids, it ain't being a fully present and contributing partner, it's him being a selfish little boy with a huge sense of entitlement. you've had 4 years now to see how he treats life...how he views responsibility and commitment and obligations. that he is "kind" to you is his MO for keeping you as his enabler.
the BEST way to get to the true intent of the addict is to say NO. nope, no more $$, no more carrying your worthless butt, no more accepting an I'm Sorry without seeing any change in behavior. if he was gonna step up and be a man, he would have done so right out the gate.
it's not even about OTHER men, other fish in the sea....it's all about YOU deserving better.
2. yes actually I HAVE known addicts that aren't the scourge of the earth and so hugely selfish that they suck everyone dry.
now THIS guy....he has shown you what he is about...it ain't taking care of his kids, it ain't being a fully present and contributing partner, it's him being a selfish little boy with a huge sense of entitlement. you've had 4 years now to see how he treats life...how he views responsibility and commitment and obligations. that he is "kind" to you is his MO for keeping you as his enabler.
the BEST way to get to the true intent of the addict is to say NO. nope, no more $$, no more carrying your worthless butt, no more accepting an I'm Sorry without seeing any change in behavior. if he was gonna step up and be a man, he would have done so right out the gate.
it's not even about OTHER men, other fish in the sea....it's all about YOU deserving better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Nothing changes if Nothing changes. Until the enabling stops, he has no reason to do anything differently. Anvilhead is right, A's can be very resourceful, he'll find another way. You are putting yourself in place of his Higher Power by assuming that he needs you to survive. He doesn't, pure and simple.
We learn to give our A's the dignity of making their own choices, even the bad ones, and let them experience the consequences of their decisions. As long as we get in the way of that, and in the way of their HP, they will never have any shot at recovery.
Remember this is a progressive disease. So it will get worse. The kind guy...and the A...they're the same person. Over time you will see less and less of the kind guy. He may love you, but the alcohol will always come first. Imagine yourself with a child, and he can't/won't participate as a parent. Is that what you envisioned for your life? The fact that he wants to avoid it with his child now should be a HUGE red flag for you and the future you have with him.
I'm sorry that this is harsh, but it's the reality. You're not his Mom, stop taking care of him and let him be an adult and take care of himself. Or settle in for a long awful ride. Find an AlAnon meeting, and start attending. You will start to really understand what's happening, and will find support as find yourself again.
We learn to give our A's the dignity of making their own choices, even the bad ones, and let them experience the consequences of their decisions. As long as we get in the way of that, and in the way of their HP, they will never have any shot at recovery.
Remember this is a progressive disease. So it will get worse. The kind guy...and the A...they're the same person. Over time you will see less and less of the kind guy. He may love you, but the alcohol will always come first. Imagine yourself with a child, and he can't/won't participate as a parent. Is that what you envisioned for your life? The fact that he wants to avoid it with his child now should be a HUGE red flag for you and the future you have with him.
I'm sorry that this is harsh, but it's the reality. You're not his Mom, stop taking care of him and let him be an adult and take care of himself. Or settle in for a long awful ride. Find an AlAnon meeting, and start attending. You will start to really understand what's happening, and will find support as find yourself again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What it took for me? Well, I felt so bad for him for so many years because he was so misunderstood. And then one night after he had pickled his brain for a sufficient number of years he threatened to kill us all and I left with the clothes on my back and the kids.
I would strongly recommend not waiting that long.
I've known addicts who in recovery have become the most loving amazing people. But looking at the statistics of even the best recovery programs, I'd have to ask myself "do I really want to live with the person this man is TODAY - because that's all I know for sure he'll ever be."
I would strongly recommend not waiting that long.
I've known addicts who in recovery have become the most loving amazing people. But looking at the statistics of even the best recovery programs, I'd have to ask myself "do I really want to live with the person this man is TODAY - because that's all I know for sure he'll ever be."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
1. I'm in the process of that now. But it took a lot of waking up alone to find he had gone out, a lot of "that's not mine" when I found drugs laying around, a lot of firings b/c drinking at work/going in still drunk, a lot of lying lying lying, a moderate amount of stealing stealing stealing, and one really sizable crack binge. Don't wait that long. His consequences don't have to be yours, too.
2. No. They can be beautiful people, but they are selfish and manipulative and they will get what they want. But the excuses can be totally award worthy, though. I'll give them that. They get points for creativity.
2. No. They can be beautiful people, but they are selfish and manipulative and they will get what they want. But the excuses can be totally award worthy, though. I'll give them that. They get points for creativity.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
Thank you
All of your advice(harsh or sweet) have made it more real. I not in denial about the last two yrs he's lived with me. His problems are a result of his selfishness or procrastination. I broke up with him twice before he moved in. He always wanted me back...surprise right? His ex wife is a decent woman and his daughter doesn't deserve this. I've told him not to ignore her like this. Unreal. His only child.
You are ALL right. He will survive and is resourceful, I am not stupid/savior/mother, and I should go to Alanon. I also forgot about past offenses and then remembered them months later. I've actually made that list one poster mentioned, and I got so mad I threw it away. THANK U SO MUCH . I hope I can help somebody on SR one day.
You are ALL right. He will survive and is resourceful, I am not stupid/savior/mother, and I should go to Alanon. I also forgot about past offenses and then remembered them months later. I've actually made that list one poster mentioned, and I got so mad I threw it away. THANK U SO MUCH . I hope I can help somebody on SR one day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by rry1177
I've actually made that list one poster mentioned, and I got so mad I threw it away.
Sometimes you just don't have a clear picture unless you can paint one for yourself! And it can be quite a surprise when you see it for the first time.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 42
Hi rry1177!
Oh man, I feel your pain. I just removed my ABF from my life. We lived together, but it took him not coming home on Monday night after a night of gambling and drinking for me to kick him out. He has nowhere to go, but it isn't my problem. He had done the exact same thing (drinking & not coming home) the week before and felt guilty so he started going back to AA and begged me to give him another chance. We had been living together for 2 years and he has been kicked out for similar offenses twice before.
It was time for me to WAKE UP and realize that nothing was going to change except for me and my actions. He is moving out and I told him that I may consider dating him after 1 year of sobriety and working a program.
As for your second question I don't really feel that he is selfish per se, but he is very manipulative and knows exactly how to guilt me into doing what he wants. This morning he told me that now that I've kicked him out, he can't afford his car payment and a 2 bedroom apartment. I'm sorry, but is that my problem?
You will know when you reach the end of your rope. The SR Forums have been a lifesaver for me, so I'm glad you are here!
Karin
Oh man, I feel your pain. I just removed my ABF from my life. We lived together, but it took him not coming home on Monday night after a night of gambling and drinking for me to kick him out. He has nowhere to go, but it isn't my problem. He had done the exact same thing (drinking & not coming home) the week before and felt guilty so he started going back to AA and begged me to give him another chance. We had been living together for 2 years and he has been kicked out for similar offenses twice before.
It was time for me to WAKE UP and realize that nothing was going to change except for me and my actions. He is moving out and I told him that I may consider dating him after 1 year of sobriety and working a program.
As for your second question I don't really feel that he is selfish per se, but he is very manipulative and knows exactly how to guilt me into doing what he wants. This morning he told me that now that I've kicked him out, he can't afford his car payment and a 2 bedroom apartment. I'm sorry, but is that my problem?
You will know when you reach the end of your rope. The SR Forums have been a lifesaver for me, so I'm glad you are here!
Karin
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I am such a fan of some of the repliers in here...
Wicked:
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again.""what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week
I so loved that idea
and Anvilhead:
now THIS guy....he has shown you what he is about...it ain't taking care of his kids, it ain't being a fully present and contributing partner, it's him being a selfish little boy with a huge sense of entitlement. you've had 4 years now to see how he treats life...how he views responsibility and commitment and obligations. that he is "kind" to you is his MO for keeping you as his enabler.
The BEST way to get to the true intent of the addict is to say NO. nope, no more $$, no more carrying your worthless butt, no more accepting an I'm Sorry without seeing any change in behavior. if he was gonna step up and be a man, he would have done so right out the gate.it's not even about OTHER men, other fish in the sea....it's all about YOU deserving better.
your WORTH IT!!
but nothing changes if NOTHING CHANGES....and the changes start IN YOU
we have all been HOSTAGE for awhile to that A or NA...but I ran when he left and ran fast....
have u thought of a 12 step program...like AL ANON...i learned so much about me...
Wicked:
I mention this just to have you think about keeping a list.
Not to build resentments or a scorekeeper.
Just to keep your resolve up for when you have to tell him to go.
Just a reminder of what has happened before,
and when the apology starts, you remember "hey, we played this game last month, I am not doing this again.""what have I been forgiving and for how long?"
The apologies for the same behavior got old to me.
When the weeping and crying and "woe is me" stuff started,
it got so bad with me (resentments were HUGE for me) that I actually wanted to slap him and tell him to be quiet.
Just stop saying you mean it, because you do not.
You just repeat that behavior, and then apologize and then next week
I so loved that idea
and Anvilhead:
now THIS guy....he has shown you what he is about...it ain't taking care of his kids, it ain't being a fully present and contributing partner, it's him being a selfish little boy with a huge sense of entitlement. you've had 4 years now to see how he treats life...how he views responsibility and commitment and obligations. that he is "kind" to you is his MO for keeping you as his enabler.
The BEST way to get to the true intent of the addict is to say NO. nope, no more $$, no more carrying your worthless butt, no more accepting an I'm Sorry without seeing any change in behavior. if he was gonna step up and be a man, he would have done so right out the gate.it's not even about OTHER men, other fish in the sea....it's all about YOU deserving better.
your WORTH IT!!
but nothing changes if NOTHING CHANGES....and the changes start IN YOU
we have all been HOSTAGE for awhile to that A or NA...but I ran when he left and ran fast....
have u thought of a 12 step program...like AL ANON...i learned so much about me...
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