Feeling really guilty and crappy right now.

Old 06-04-2013, 05:44 AM
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Unhappy Feeling really guilty and crappy right now.

I grew up in a typical alcoholic home. Had a father who was a rageaholic and would literally scream at me for, say, not being able to hit a baseball at the age of 4 (had vision problems) and would leave me crumpled on the ground and sobbing regularly, with no one to comfort me afterwards or come to my rescue.

They used to do fun things like throw rubber spiders at me (I had a phobia about those when I was five) to watch me scream and cry and run in terror. And I could see by the looks on their faces, the family enjoyed my pain.

There was sexual abuse, tons of verbal abuse, a small amount of physical abuse.

I wanted to someday be strong enough to detach completely from my family. My sister and brother are still jerks to me and don't acknowledge that I deserve to be treated like a human being. So I went no contact a year or two ago.

Fast forward, my Dad is dying of something that is causing him GI problems and messing with his red and white blood cells. Doctors can't figure it out.

Ive been under the care of a psychiatrist lately because I have been recently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I am semi-disabled and not doing so well at this point.

So I've been discussing my family of origin issues with the doctor. She asked me why on earth I have anything at all to do with any of them and I said, I still love them, and I feel too guilty completely abandoning my father when he's so sick and old now.

But at the same time I'm still furious at how I was treated as a kid. I never really got a resolution with my father. Once or twice I tried to bring it up, got the courage up, but was told I made it all up. No resolution.

So here I am with my shrink sessions stirring up bad memories of my childhood, with MS lesions in my brain leaving me less ability to filter and modulate my emotions, and I lost it when my father tried to push me into reuniting with my sister who is still abusive to me.

It's not just me who thinks my family was abusive and still is to me, my husband says my family is all crazy and they didn't deserve me, that I was too good for that family. My husband frankly refers to my father as a sociopath.

Well I blew up. I got tired of my family always not caring about what I want and what is good for me, insisting we look like a good family from the outside, you know?

I just lost it and I wrote several nasty emails pouring my feelings out, telling them that when they visit I need Dave to be there at all times because I don't feel safe around them when I am alone with them (true, and for good reason) and showing them where my husband referred to my family as crazy and sociopathic.

So I got a letter from my father's latest wife (I've only met her a few times) telling me I tore my Dad's heart out and he was utterly destroyed and lying on the bed in despair. Asked me how I thought I had the right to destroy everything in my path and saying she didn't understand how one human being could be so cruel to another human being, especially a father who is very sick.

So I feel very guilty that I finally told the truth, I do wish I'd been less straightforward and blunt and angry. But it's also the first time in my life where I told the truth and stood up for myself and I felt I needed that one moment in my life before he dies and the chance is gone forever.

Just a really bad few days.

PS I didn't answer my stepmother back, don't want to engage with her really, don't have a relationship at all with her, but I did email my Dad saying I was sorry I hurt him.

My husband thinks the stepmother is delusional if she can't see by the problems all us kids have that the family was really dysfunctional. Another factor might be that the stepmother has a kid in her own family who has gone no contact with her for years now (not sure why.)
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Old 06-04-2013, 05:57 AM
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Your family sounds like they are very sick. But it also sounds like they don't realize how sick they are.
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home as well. Both my parents are deceased now. And although I miss them, I am grateful I no longer have to continue with the heartache and disappointments.
I never had the opportunity to question how the hell they felt their treatment of me was acceptable, but I don't care. I'm sure they have no idea anyway. And I also know that I would've never gotten the answers I wanted and some big apology. When people are so sick and in denial, they aren't able to take accountability for their actions.
I'm able to choose my family today. Just because I have the same blood as some other people on this planet doesn't mean they are healthy enough to be in my life.
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Old 06-04-2013, 06:15 AM
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Unhappy Thank you so much!

I was holding my breathe hoping someone would reply to me because I feel wretched and guilty. Thank you for being an angel! You_Rock_

And thank you for reminding me I do have a new family now that loves me and friends who support me.

Yeah, I know my fam of origin doesn't get it because they've been confronted by psychologists, a judge in a domestic violence case, etc. and in each case they see the abuse as being fine and normal (all families have problems) and anyone who confronts them about it or about drinking is sick and wrong and a horrible person.

My Mom is gone now and at the end she finally got it and apologized to me for all the abuse that was done to me as a kid. That was a wonderful thing and gave me peace in my heart with her.

But the rest of my family..ugh..pastor sister cites biblical references to try to make me forgive and forget and meekly accept new abuse. Boy was she angry when she found she could no longer control me the way she did when I was a child and she was nine years older. She tells me I need psychiatric care because I still remember my older brother raping me, etc. the funny thing is my shrink tells me it's healthy to remember it and feel anger and sadness, and my sister is the one who is following unhealthy patterns.

My brother is just lost, he's a homeless alcoholic.

My father thinks that what he did was normal and anyone calling the police or calling him on past behavior is a terrible, evil person.

And his wife....I really don't even want any contact with her whatsoever. My hubby doesn't like her either and he has great judgment about people.

Ugh. Thanks for letting me ramble.
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Old 06-04-2013, 06:33 AM
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Smile My father just wrote me and echoed his wife's words and

Said he doesn't want to hear from me for a long while until he can get over how hurt he was.

Am I a horrible person to feel euphoric I am free of him and am hoping the no contact lasts forever?

But that is how I genuinely feel.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:07 AM
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No, you are far from horrible. You are moving on. You are not the one which owes any amends nor do you owe him anything.
Be grateful that you can move on.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:38 AM
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Thank you! I feel like a huge sadness has been lifted

From me to be honest. Like I have finally opened the cage and walked out.

I am glad you are free now too!

We are free to choose sanity and peace and we will!
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:03 PM
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You have an evil family. They are only interested in their own life and how anyone affects them. I had that as well. My mother never apologized for letting my Dad beat us, and my Dad never apologized to me either. He did apologize to my siblings, and it really helped them. But left them feeing superior to me because I wasn't on the same page as them. He actually wrote in treatment that it was all my fault for his drinking and behavior, me the 5th child, I don't think so! They blame me for being unforgiving. Which I am not, I forgave my parents long ago before my sibs ever thought about it. And had a cordial relationship with them my whole life. I just never emotionally connected with them because they never changed.

Anyway, some parents never want to own up and apologize. Only thinking of themselves and trying to guilt us. Please don't let them win. Forgive them if you want, but for you not for them. It won't matter to them in the least. But it can help you not be so affected by their evil doings in your life.
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:22 PM
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I'm sorry you went through so much. I am so glad

You found your strength and have a good life now!

I don't feel angry anymore, I feel strong. I finally took care of myself and it felt great!

I don't feel scared anymore either.

Now I feel free!
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Old 06-04-2013, 03:11 PM
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All of the posts in this thread really hit home for me. My father died last year without ever apologizing for the emotional & psychological abuse he put me through, nor did he ever say anything about allowing his wife to physically abuse me. I didn't attend his funeral, and now some comments are being made that *I* am the problem. I was thinking a lot over the past few days about this forum, and how many of us have problems with our families - they want to act like we should forget about it, and *we* are the ones all screwed up. I haven't been here for a while, so it's amazing to come in here and see this thread. Many of our siblings are sooo worried about "appearances" that they don't want the family baggage let out.

Thanks to everyone that posted on this thread. You are all "on the right track!"
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Old 06-05-2013, 09:07 AM
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Unhappy Update: another nasty gram from my father

Saying he was a perfect father, he never did anything wrong, etc.

Typical narcissistic reaction. I have never seen him in my life ever admit he was wrong or apologize for anything.

Even in a marriage where he was arrested for domestic abuse and beat the kids and regularly strangled the wife until she passed out and had bruises on her neck the next day, he feels HE was the victim and feels its really unfair that anyone called him on his behavior!

I'll be setting up a new email account soon and deleting the one he knows of so....no more emails from him.

I'm sure he will just switch to nasty messages on my machine then. Well, in that case my husband can just listen and delete. He already knows my father is a complete jerk and it won't bother him any, he will just laugh and delete.

What I really worry about is his propensity for violence. He has tons of weapons, has broken into houses by smashing the window to get in, etc.

My husband says I have nothing to worry about but he doesn't know on a visceral level how dangerous my father is. I do have ADT and will call 911 if he ever shows up here, but I still feel a bit anxious.
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Old 06-05-2013, 09:45 AM
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Unhappy I find myself wishing he would just die soon

So I would be safe from him forever. Harsh, but it's what I'm feeling right now.
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:02 PM
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Be safe and take care of yourself. Don't hesitate to call the police if he does show up.

Unfortunately I understand. I used to alway sing "I'll be dead when you're dead you rascal you" in my head, about my Dad. We did reconcile, but never had any real connection. I had forgiven him and I wasn't thinking this with hate or anger, just a longing for relief.

He was incarcerated at 80 for trying to shoot my Mom with a rifle, had treatment in lockup, got sober, had a few good years then Alzheimer set in and died a few years later. It was a great relief when he passed. I didn't feel guilty at all, having dealt with forgiveness long before.

Mills Brothers "You rascal you" 1932 - YouTube
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:20 PM
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Smile What a monster he was. I am glad you are free of him!

Thank you for your replies. I feel like I'm too close to the situation and your words really strengthen my resolve and help me see more clearly.

PS hell hath no fury like the NPD person who is confronted or disobeyed....
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Old 06-05-2013, 02:49 PM
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oops, I meant "I'll be *GLAD* when your dead you rascal you" not dead. That must have been my child's brain speaking. He beat us severely and I always used to wish I was dead as a kid. Thanks to you too for understanding.
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Old 06-05-2013, 03:29 PM
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Smile I used to wish I was dead too.

I'm sorry for the hurt children we both once were...and proud of both of us for breaking free!
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Old 06-05-2013, 08:43 PM
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you wrote the post I have been waiting 17 years to find and read. i did an email to my mother...and she has never forgiven it...and it has been very hard...(understatement)...I am pretty sure she is a narcissist. she is still working to destroy me...and I stayed attached (trying to apologize for hurting her feelings etc etc). after Dad died, she reacted...waited 4 years, I was 'helping' her...but it was awful...and well, finally went into no contact in February and am grieving. my letter was read by a pastor and two christian therapists who found it well written and with my true feelings...she is livid and will be for the rest of her life...i felt guilty for the longest time, but it freed me...and over time (yes, I am a slow learner)...I have done so many things that I would not have had the strength to do if I was still taking care of all her emotional needs...thank you for the reminder that remembering is healthy as lately I had been questioning that again. i am so glad that you posted...thank you.
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Old 06-06-2013, 05:17 AM
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Smile You did the right thing by going no contact.

There is a book I read, I think by sister Renee pitelli, about breaking the bonds to an abusive family. It looked at no contact from a biblical centered view and it really helped me so much.

I remember one part where it talked about how even God walks away from those whose hearts are hardened...and if even the Holy Spirit can't heal these abusive narcissists, how can we think we can?

And it really helped me a lot. It's really easy to find the book on line.

I've been rereading it lately and it's strengthening my resolve.
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Old 06-06-2013, 06:51 AM
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thanks...going to order.
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Old 06-06-2013, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
From me to be honest. Like I have finally opened the cage and walked out.

I am glad you are free now too!

We are free to choose sanity and peace and we will!
(((ACOA))))

I feel like I'm reading my own life in many ways. The details are different (nothing like the spider incident), but the broad strokes--I could have written those. The ugly words. The siblings who think they can repeat the same treatment. The father who acts wounded when I finally tell him he was not the greatest father. The need to look like a wonderful family to the outside world.

No, you're not horrible. There comes a time when something inside of us will no longer remain silent. You reached that point. So he's hurt. He needs to deal with that.

I, too, feel like a cage door has opened and let me out.
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Old 06-10-2013, 08:41 AM
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Smile Thanks OCDetox! My family of origin was abusive and

I am just now finally choosing to take care of myself and not my abusers. It's scary but I know it is for the best.
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