Synfull Vyxun

So I have moved again.
I have applied for jobs and houses since I have been here, I just got a call back for an interview today, I am so nervous. I was shaking while on the phone yesterday.
My A mother has given me such a complex. She has told me I am fat, stupid, will never amount to anything, etc etc. but then says she would never say these things and she loves me.
My friends and family tell me I'm being silly and I will be fine, but I am having anxiety attacks and so nervous.
No one seems to understand. I feel so alone. I am living with an ex and his family. I have always been good friends with the ex and love him more than anything, he wants to marry me and all, but he is on the internet chatting to girls all the time, I don't mind as long as he doesn't meet them and do anything. I can't handle that again.
I am looking to get my own place but it is so expensive to live here, so fingers crossed for this job. I feel so lost and alone.
My dad is on his way to Australia, from the Uk as I write this, and he is flying straight to my A aunties house. I left her on bad terms as she is an alcoholic and I'm not going into it, as I don't want to be abused if this gets seen. I still have proof of everything to back me up and support my decisions. So when my father gets here, he shouldn't be able to tell me off too much. (Hopefully)

I'm sick of getting in trouble when I am not the Alcoholic in these equations.
I am following through with my counseling and can maybe start al anon meetings here. I really do wanna get better, and get back with my ex as we both still love each other very much, but I just want him to want me and only me. Its not like I am strict, I am bi-sexual and have offered to have other ladies involved.
I suppose I just have to try and keep positive and things will work out eventually.

Synfull Vyxun

Job interview went ok I think. Fingers crossed. Now to sort the rest of my life.

Mracoa

I hope you get the job you need, if not this one, I hope a new opportunity presents itself.

I worry about your attachment to your ex. I know I have done some unhealthy things in my life to hold on to someone who didn't care for me as much as I did them. It's not worth it. Once they know they can use you, they will. You are worthy of real love. You deserve it, but you may not recognize what that is until later in your recovery.

Maybe I am projecting too much of my own life onto you. I am sorry if I am, but something in me wanted to share that.

Good luck again on the job.

ACOAHappyNow

A partner who truly respects you as an equal, and most of all freedom from family members or anyone else who leaves you feeling badly about yourself.

irisgardens

Thank you for sharing...I understand and you don't have to share details about Mom or Auntie...because I have those people and just now...grieving my mother after she turned on me when Dad died 13 years ago...and I have been stuck in bargaining and depression, but she finally showed me that I am dead to her and that she is being vindictive and working to make me the crazy one. I am grieving like crazy as after the final phone call from me to her in February and hearing two adult children say the same things and a brother go silent...I know that I need to grieve at least her.

I, too, just had a good interview...from Chile where I moved with husband to start over from financial loss...his business failures and the money spent on the kids rehabs, recovery, etc. It did affect my health and anxiety and depression finally got to the point where I was lasting in one job for three months and then getting too depressed and anxious and got fired a few times...so surely some negativity leaking when I am too "direct".

I had a wonderful interview, but now husband wants to go back to states...he 'misses the children' too much...is saying he can't 'control' our children...as my daughter is being verbally abusive...and I had a crisis over the weekend...told him I was leaving and wrote about his financial failures in the past ten years. Have been cut off. Apologized to all...and him...and told him he needed to forgive me...as I have forgiven him for something that was really big and he needed to do the same.

He is now back to nice, just regular no emotions on the inside, practical man. He has been a drinker since I knew him...and I went to therapy 10 years ago to confirm whether he was alcoholic...as he says he just drinks on weekends and in Chile...men drink a lot...it is cultural...but he is also an ACOA. In any case...I don't want to leave him now, but was very direct and honest to family as I am working to see if they cut me off as mother and biological family did. In a way, it was suicide by honesty.

He is planning on me getting this job and being together...but I feel afraid that the family is destroyed and he just told me to let it go and not write any more to the kids. He is a manipulator as is my crystal meth daughter...but has been so much more supportive in the past several years...and is focusing on his work and not drinking except for a few glasses of wine on Sundays.

I know that I am supposed to be hard core, but I started detaching 10 years ago and let him go down in his business...let him lose the house...let him work his own way out of those things...lived on what we made instead of the big money job I had before...and I did a lot of recovery work...and in rehab and work around the ex crystal meth addict...now functional and thriving...although still angry, etc...but as an adult...I have determined that I need to accept it, accept that hubby will not support me and just keep moving.

Not sure what is next...just doing the stuff that comes up and working my program, but I am really shakey inside.

Oh, what I meant to say is that the shaky and anxious is me every day with every new task...so please know that there is someone else out there who goes through it. I had to rest a full day to be able to do my last interview...hang in...you are stronger than you think.

I don't know about the ex...as I don't know about my ex...and I am really struggling as it appears that I am going to be scapegoated in my immediate family too...but can only do so much with the emotional processing before going completely down for the count...have been there the past 1 1/2 years...so hope that I am making progress in dealing with things and making mistakes and picking myself up and doing them again.

irisgardens

oh, pardon...I don't have an ex...I have a husband...who I often enjoy but who does nothing about the crisis points and we have had many...but I have let him handle his stuff and and will continue doing so...especially around the financial part. He has work and he is working...so that is good enough for now. I am detaching from the pain of the adult children all out of the nest (in coming to Chile) and also allowing them to be angry if they want...have been having huge processing and emotions here...so hope this is now under my belt. Stay on your program and just stay focused on you...huggs if you will accept them.

ElegantlyWasted

Ignore the haters. You can do it. My Dad was/is a controlling Corporate Executive power freak on a lot of levels and has warped my perspective of a lot of things (So I'm an Alkie and a Codie or have a weird cross over condition). Just try to put that stuff in a bubble know, its bs and blow it away. Sometimes we are better than we were and don't quite realize it; yet. I think you're there. Rock it out.

irisgardens

Thanks Elegantlywasted...that was a treasure of a post. I came out of the corporate world as it was twisting me...to be there for family...but it certainly is a control game when you get caught up in it. I realized that I wasn't willing to make money and have a big career and lose my family when my first daughter used drugs. She is doing well now...but there has still been damage and I stay here...to remember that I want to love people...not use them...and I want to have a heart rather than a mind that simply saps people dry. Everytime I go back to work...I have to remind myself of that...and it is tough...have lost a few jobs because I don't have the balance right...but still working the program. Good luck and arms around you.

Kialua

Yes ignore the haters. You know what you need to do to make yourself happy and healed. Don't let anyone, Dad, Aunts, Moms or ex's make you feel selfish or guilty for caring about yourself. Go forth and conquer.

Synfull Vyxun

No thankyou, I need others opinions, I see your point and have thought all about this myself too. I am not going to get my hopes up. As I know we don't always get what we want. But I can dream. ;-Dthanks

Synfull Vyxun

That is the power speech needed. Awesome, thanks. I know it's bs, but why do I get in trouble when I am trying to make my own life and they are all just drinking theirs away?!?! My dad is awesome, I love him, he flew over from the Uk for my birthday next week and is currently in Melbourne en route to A aunties as I type.
I know he is only trying to help, a couple of days ago he told me on the phone (while drunk) I should write to my A mother and just let her know I have moved and that I'm ok. She hasn't contacted me or even tried, so why should I???
I just want to live my life with no one to answer to. They treat me like a child, yes I have made mistakes in my life but I have grown and learnt from them, and still learning, but at least I can admit it.
My dad doesn't drink often but when he does, he tries to put the world to rights, then we end up arguing, as he hasn't lived with mother for years and she is one the best in the manipulation game. So not looking forward to my birthday, as it has been for the last few years, also christmas and new years are not good times for me.
Hence why I moved 12 thousand miles away, so I could do what I wanna do on my special days. didn't work.

tromboneliness

That's sort of a recurring thread here -- and I'm guilty of it myself, having moved from the East to the Midwest to the Southwest and back East again.

There is no such thing as "making a fresh start" in some faraway place -- because no matter where you go, your brain comes along with you.

When my wife and I were contemplating an escape from suburbia (where we felt like misfits), and moving from Chicago to Flagstaff, Arizona, we were both in recovery -- she had been sober for about 2 years, and I had been going to Al-Anon for three. We thought long and hard about whether we were doing a "geographical cure." We talked it over, really gave it a thorough going-over from just about every angle, and finally decided that we didn't feel we were doing a geographical.

Well, turns out we were wrong -- wouldn't you know it, our brains came along with us, and we had pretty much the same issues Out West that we had in the Midwest, except with less income (no jobs in a tourist town), and better weather. Some good Al-Anon meetings, too. Which we needed!

Eventually, we decided to go back to Civilization, in the form of a city not too far from where I grew up. This hasn't fixed all our problems, either, but at least it did undo a big mistake: thinking that we could... make a new start, get a fresh perspective, or whatever.

Geography will not fix my problems!

T

Synfull Vyxun

There is no such thing as "making a fresh start" in some faraway place -- because no matter where you go, your brain comes along with you.

This is not my problem, it's the fact that my family and friends want to know where I am, what I am doing, blah blah blah. I know they worry but give me a break for god's sake!!!!
If I could just go and not talk to anyone about where I am. I would be fine.

irisgardens

so that explains why, after moving to my husband's country of origin (he insisted it was the only way...we couldn't afford to live in California any more)...I am being triggered by everything and anything...it has been awful. the new ingredient that I am aware of is that mother has told me to my face (I relapsed and called her in February...and she told me that I am majorly mental ill and need major medical attention...I was telling her that I had no hot water heater...once again AH painted dreams that were not real...and now he is very angry, because I told the truth about money...but need to take care of myself right now...because just the no contact and the induced grieving is taking everything I have). I have days where, when I say the truth or do something positive for me...I am buzzing with energy in my arms and face and hands...then I feel more energized afterwards...so was told once I was processing out 'stuck' negativity...hope it is true. He is passively aggressively 'supporting' me to get a job back in the states and had a good interview...I don't know what to do with that...had a good interview...felt happy and then like I was going back to the same old same old. Sandwiching...maybe?

irisgardens

at least here I am getting some rest from killing myself to make the money for all...if I go back...need to live alone and work and save my own money. no other way. maybe I should let him pressure me...or go with the flow...hard to tell.

Synfull Vyxun

I found getting away was good, as long as the family doesn't follow. I still haven't heard from my dad, so hope him and my A aunty are having fun. I am trying not to worry about what she is saying to him, but I am just so over it all, if he wasn't my dad I would be telling him where to shove it!!!!!
I got an email back about the job interview, I did not get the job, so back to the start again.

irisgardens

Ok...sending you positive wishes on the next interview. It is progress not perfection...from one who knows. Huggs.