sageskye

Sorry this is a little long, but I know some of you can probably relate.

My boyfriend and I have been friends for over 20 years but have only been together 3 1/2. We are both in our late 30s. His opiate addiction started with a car accident that happened before we got together. Apparently he had become addicted to the pain pills and when the Dr cut him off his "friend" sold them to him. His mood swings & behavior were textbook. He wanted to quit for himself and the sake of our relationship so he tried going cold turkey and boy what a withdrawal that was! I've never seen anything so heart-wrenching. He was sober for a couple months and was feeling better then his "friend" started selling him pills again. It got so bad that he freaked out on my 14 year old telling her that because she didn't talk to him or listen to him that he was going to kill himself and it would be her fault. After my daughter told me this I sent him back to his mothers house to either get sober or leave us alone. I will not have such behavior around my kids no matter what fuels it.

The first day back at his mothers and he was involved in a hit and run car accident and was arrested. I thought that would be his wake up call and he said it was. I told him he could come back home if he got himself sober for a decent amount of time and went to counseling. I had called NAMI but all the resources they gave me were too expensive to pay out of pocket so he went to the health dept and saw their counselors. In hindsight they were pretty sub-par. I told him to go to NA, but he kept coming up with excuses that they were too preachy. I should have made it part of the deal to come back home and I kick myself for not doing that. He got sober, gained some weight, was looking and sounding better and for the first time in a while was thinking with a clear head. So at the 6 month mark he came back home new & improved.

I wanted him to continue treatment but I couldn't afford it and he wasn't a resident of my area so we were limited. Everything was going well (I thought) so I didn't press the issue. He got a new construction job and all of a sudden didn't have any money to show for it. He would say things like he was going to get paid next week or his boss still owed him for a job, yadda yadda. At this point I am at work everyday sometimes working overtime to pay bills as well as in class twice a week so we aren't seeing much of each other. He is always asking for gas money, but somehow always out of gas. He would make up stories like he paid inside and accidentally drove away and when he went back someone had taken the pump. Outlandish stories. It was a great point of contention between us but he wouldn't admit he was doing pills again because he knew I would set him out and I had no tangible proof. He wasn't moody like he had been previously. I regret not being home more, not that I really had a choice to keep the bills paid, because he was slowly selling everything he and I owned (mostly my stuff). He sold most of my DVDs and left the cases so I wouldn't notice, my kids DS and games, all my jewelry including my class ring and sentimental pieces my father (now deceased) had given me for my high school and college graduations. He scrapped my hurricane shutters!!! And not only did he steal my kids Christmas money, but he had also been using my credit card without my knowledge and has racked up thousands of dollars. He had finally crossed the line that he had never crossed before and I never thought he would. The wonderful man that I had grown up with and have loved for years was gone and in his place was this evil doppelganger. Needless to say I felt beyond betrayed because this time he was very sneaky about it.

I kicked him out once again and this time told him that he wouldn't be getting a third chance. It's been 2 months since the last incident. I found out recently that his boss had been paying him in pills so that's why he was short on money. I have to say that his boss just died of an overdose last month and I think that was a bit sobering. I still love him and I want to see him happy and a functioning member of society. He is living about 3 hours from me and is currently doing online NA type classes and will be going to actual NA soon (he says). I hope he does. He sounds better than the first time I sent him to get sober so that's good. I'm finally at the point where I don't want to set him on fire for selling my precious memories. I'm working on forgiveness, I have to for myself and for him. I know that his actions do not reflect his soul, I just have to mourn the loss of the future we could have had if he had been sober. We rocked. We still talk on the phone and I know in my heart that if he could get my things back he would, but for now he has offered to pay me back as much as possible. So far he has managed to send me $200 and replaced my daughters DS he sold with a brand new 3DS. It's a start I suppose.

I keep thinking that there are so many things I should have done, but it doesn't matter anymore. So at this point, what is my role? Do I just sit back and be the supportive friend? Do I cut ties? In a perfect world he'd get sober and we'd live happily ever after, but I'm not a fool to think that. How long should he be sober for before I can start to really trust what he says? Right now, I am "listening" to his actions not his words, but I'd like to try to rebuild our trust as he says he wants to do too. How? He was a pretty good father besides that one night considering they are not his kids. He and my youngest daughter have a good relationship. He says he still want's to be that father figure. He also wants to repair his relationship with my oldest, but I'm not sure how that'll go and he feels remorse for that for sure. Any advice is appreciated from people that have been there, done that and got the crappy T-shirt.

lizwig

Hi Sageskye, welcome to the forum although I'm very sorry for what has brought you here. Unfortunately I don't have much experience from the "partner" side of things as my addict is my son but wanted to reassure you others will be along shortly to welcome you and share their experiences with you. It does sound like you're aware his behavior was completely out of line and you are right to be cautious moving forward. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep coming back. When I finally found the strength to reach out for support is when things really started improving for me. Managing the craziness of addiction alone will drive you batty. Al-anon and Nar-anon meetings would probably help you as well if you have any in your area. I've been going for about 8 months and finally feel like myself again after 5 years of utter chaos. Big hug to you today....you are not alone in all of this.

AnvilheadII

did you press charges on the theft and credit card fraud? he took advantage of you in every way possible, he stole FROM YOUR CHILDREN. not sure you really need to be worrying about your ROLE in his life except as "complaintant"??

I kicked him out once again and this time told him that he wouldn't be getting a third chance.

you either meant that.....or you did not. i personally don't stay chummy with people who have committed crimes against me. and i certainly don't consider drug addicts who take children's toys to pay for their drugs as good Role Models or Father Figures.

madisonblake

Our stories are similar. I had known my ex for over 20 years since we went to high school together and had some of the same friends. We are both in our late 30s. His drugs of choice were prescription pills. I can't tell you how many times he got sober for a few weeks, a few months and always went back. I can't tell you how many times we broke up. I can't tell you how many times I believed him when he told me he was clean...when he wasn't.

The difference is that he never stole from me. He had his mommy and daddy enabling him with a job, a car when he had his license that was paid for through mommy and daddy's company, a company credit card, etc. When he really got deep into drugs, he started over-using their company credit card for everything until they would take it away but always give it back. Because they were such enablers, they probably saved me from his thieving from me too.

I can't be a hypocrite because i put up with a TON of bad behavior, more than I ever care to remember. However, this guy stole from you and your little girl. That should be enough. Looking back, the thing I regret the most is being naive and foolish enough to think that only a few months of being sober changed him. I hope your outcome is different but anyone that would steal from a child once will do it again if they relapse and chances are high they will.

sageskye

Thank you for your replies, I hear you both and appreciate your input.

Anvilhead, yes, I did consider pressing charges. I almost did. Why didn't I? Well, the small town I live in has no resources for drug addicts. Their solution is to lock them up and hope they don't do it again when released. I know, you're probably thinking that ******* deserves it! Does he? Yes. Does that help him? No. So I saw past my vindictive feelings of revenge and decided that he was worth more than the material objects he sold and needed the opportunity to get real help. Anger is a destructive emotion that I don't care to hold onto. His roommate works at a rehab center and is a drug counselor. That in itself is a huge step for him. And yes, I did tell him there will be no third chance and by that I meant no chance for us getting back together. He has always been a great friend that unfortunately fell from grace, I hardly think this is the time to throw him away. We may not have been married, but we are family, always have been.

I have distanced myself from him in many ways and he will not get the opportunity to steal from me or my kids again nor will I enable him. Time will tell if he will actually get sober and make amends with my children and I. His actions will determine how involved in his life we are and he is aware of this. It will definitely take more than a few months of sobriety for me to believe he is serious about it. My hope is that his roommate will help keep him on track with the resources available. Addiction aside, he is a good father, a very involved loving and caring man…sober. I hope to see that again one day. I see glimpses, but will need more than that to trust him with more than just phone calls to the kids. They are older and do have somewhat of an understanding in regards to what went on with him. We've talked about it and I am confident that they will be ok. Defintley a teaching moment on the dangers of drug use if nothing else.

There is no changing the past so I am working on forgiveness, mainly for my own sanity. I jump on and off that wagon occasionally since this is all so fresh. I just felt I needed to put my story out there and know that I am not alone in this. I know I'm not, but sometimes you just need to hear from others that have gone through it.

crazybabie

The Salvation Army has a program that I have seen many say is as good or better than some of the highest priced programs if he really wants help he can get it. That is the main thing here HE has to want it so many of us I would guess almost all of us have wanted it for our addicts but what we want does no good.

I understand you made your decision about the things that were stolen and it was your decision to make with that said I feel a need to respond:

Anvilhead, yes, I did consider pressing charges. I almost did. Why didn't I? Well, the small town I live in has no resources for drug addicts. Their solution is to lock them up and hope they don't do it again when released. I know, you're probably thinking that ******* deserves it! Does he? Yes. Does that help him? No.

My As stole from us until I finally pressed charges IMO, addicts just like anyone else should face the consequences of their actions I was not going too make my son think that behavior was OK if anyone else had stolen the items I would press charges. Did it do him any good well I can't say because I don't know what he learned from it as of yet
My middle son was locked up on drug charges once 4 years ago once was enough for him it appears.


I have distanced myself from him in many ways and he will not get the opportunity to steal from me or my kids again nor will I enable him. Time will tell if he will actually get sober and make amends with my children and I. His actions will determine how involved in his life we are and he is aware of this,

Healthy behavior there. I wish you the best on your journey.