Need advice - 19 yr old coming home from rehab friday
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: CT
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Need advice - 19 yr old coming home from rehab friday
New here...A little background - I discovered my son was a heroin addict in January when he was arrested for possession. He came home to sober up and refused to enter a treatment facility at that time but was able to clean up for a little while with the use of subs. He is currently facing many charges and has been on probation with weekly drug tests ( that he passes somehow ) and weekly visits for drug counseling. Although he keeps our address he was only showing up once a week or so. He spends all his time "hanging out" He doesn't work or go to school. He has gotten and lost two jobs in the last several months.
I've come to see how I have enabled him all this time by paying for lawyers, bailing him out of jail, paying his gas, car insurance and phone bills, rescuing him constantly, allowing him to stay here and living generally in denial and believing his lies all this time. I live with his stepfather and have two younger sons - 12 and 1 and this has had a devastating effect on the whole family.
So fast forward - several weeks ago after disappearing for a few days, my son called me and asked me to drop him off at rehab. He admitted that he had been getting high again and needed help - (his girlfriends mother had hit his car the week prior and given him $500 cash - which was all used to get high) I dropped him off and have spoken to him a few times a week since and he seems to be doing well and is excited about his future.
I had asked him about some items I have found missing several times, as recently as yesterday at which time he vehemently denied ever stealing from us. Later yesterday I went into his car to remove some drug paraphernalia (at his request) and found a pawn shop receipt clearly proving he has in fact stolen items from us and pawned them. I have not yet had a chance to speak with him about this.
My problem now is that I am really having a hard time believing my son has changed his ways when he is STILL lying to me - even while about to get discharged from rehab.
Also - we have discussed what he will do when he gets out. He has brought up going to live with his father as an option. His father is a junkie and lives very close to my sons old circle of junkie friends.
Either he is completely delusional to see that as a realistic option, or again he has no real vested interest in staying clean.
I don't know what to do now. In light of the recent irrefutable evidence he has been stealing from me, I do not want him living at home, but I am not sure if I should be giving him another chance since he did willingly go to rehab. I also pay for his car insurance and phone and don't know if I should stop. I don't see how he will get on his feet at all without some help, but none of the help I have given him has caused anything but more problems.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I've come to see how I have enabled him all this time by paying for lawyers, bailing him out of jail, paying his gas, car insurance and phone bills, rescuing him constantly, allowing him to stay here and living generally in denial and believing his lies all this time. I live with his stepfather and have two younger sons - 12 and 1 and this has had a devastating effect on the whole family.
So fast forward - several weeks ago after disappearing for a few days, my son called me and asked me to drop him off at rehab. He admitted that he had been getting high again and needed help - (his girlfriends mother had hit his car the week prior and given him $500 cash - which was all used to get high) I dropped him off and have spoken to him a few times a week since and he seems to be doing well and is excited about his future.
I had asked him about some items I have found missing several times, as recently as yesterday at which time he vehemently denied ever stealing from us. Later yesterday I went into his car to remove some drug paraphernalia (at his request) and found a pawn shop receipt clearly proving he has in fact stolen items from us and pawned them. I have not yet had a chance to speak with him about this.
My problem now is that I am really having a hard time believing my son has changed his ways when he is STILL lying to me - even while about to get discharged from rehab.
Also - we have discussed what he will do when he gets out. He has brought up going to live with his father as an option. His father is a junkie and lives very close to my sons old circle of junkie friends.
Either he is completely delusional to see that as a realistic option, or again he has no real vested interest in staying clean.
I don't know what to do now. In light of the recent irrefutable evidence he has been stealing from me, I do not want him living at home, but I am not sure if I should be giving him another chance since he did willingly go to rehab. I also pay for his car insurance and phone and don't know if I should stop. I don't see how he will get on his feet at all without some help, but none of the help I have given him has caused anything but more problems.
Any advice would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I would suggest that you NOT allow him to return to your home, but instead INSIST that he go to a SOBER LIVING HOUSE of which he can talk about with his counselor at rehab.
1) a sober living house will be a much better environment than your home because he will be learning how to live sober along with others learning the same thing; 2) rules coming from you will be ignored, rules in the SLE will be followed (coming from strangers) if he wants to continue to live there; 3) I am surprised that this was not suggested to him already by his rehab counselor, unless it was but he 'neglected' to tell you.
Please do not allow him to return to your home. His past actions are still a reflection of what his actions will be. And, he is still lying to you about the items missing.
At this time he is NOT to be trusted. Later down the road, if he maintains his sobriety and his ACTIONS are the same as his words, you might be able to start believing him. Right now, NO
Do NOT help him in any way. He is an adult. HE will get back on his feet if he wants to.
I had no family when I finally found recovery (they had shut the door on me 2 1/2 years earlier) and I had been living on the streets. I pulled myself up, slowly but I did it. I WANTED SOBRIETY.
This is his problem to fix, not yours. That means no paying for car insurance or anything else.
J M H O (based on my own experiences from many years in recovery)
Love and hugs,
1) a sober living house will be a much better environment than your home because he will be learning how to live sober along with others learning the same thing; 2) rules coming from you will be ignored, rules in the SLE will be followed (coming from strangers) if he wants to continue to live there; 3) I am surprised that this was not suggested to him already by his rehab counselor, unless it was but he 'neglected' to tell you.
Please do not allow him to return to your home. His past actions are still a reflection of what his actions will be. And, he is still lying to you about the items missing.
At this time he is NOT to be trusted. Later down the road, if he maintains his sobriety and his ACTIONS are the same as his words, you might be able to start believing him. Right now, NO
Do NOT help him in any way. He is an adult. HE will get back on his feet if he wants to.
I had no family when I finally found recovery (they had shut the door on me 2 1/2 years earlier) and I had been living on the streets. I pulled myself up, slowly but I did it. I WANTED SOBRIETY.
This is his problem to fix, not yours. That means no paying for car insurance or anything else.
J M H O (based on my own experiences from many years in recovery)
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry you are going through this. I have walked this same road (so very similar to yours, minus law enforcement) and have suggestions based on the past year of my own life with my 19 year old daughter (heroin). She was in rehab a year ago for 28 days. I have to prepare myself for the fact that she will relapse now that she is weaning herself off suboxone and is hitchhiking with her BF she met in rehab. He is older and has been an addict for 15 years. Please feel free to read my posts to get the main facts. It is harrowing being the parent of an addict, but I have found great support and hope and personal growth as a result.
1. Start here by reading the "stickies" at the top of this group. Very, very helpful! And read as much as you can about addiction. Last summer, the book Beautiful Boy by David Scheff really helped me, and now he has another book out titled Clean. There are others, too. And Melodie Beattie's The Language of Letting Go helps me calm down.
2. Get yourself (and your husband if he's willing) to a NarAnon meeting in your area. They are invaluable settings for support and questions. AlAnon meetings can be good, too, but NarAnon folks understand the illegal drug situations we encounter with addicts. Try a few different meetings and then go for at least six times. It's been a lifesaver for me.
3. Do NOT let him live at home. As others here have told me, home is our refuge, and when we have lived with an active or recovering addict, we have not been living in a refuge at all! Decide now that this is not an option for him and stick to it. Suggest he ask for staff help at the rehab locating a sober house, hopefully nowhere near his father.
4. Do NOT continue to pay for his car, his insurance, etc. The only thing I would consider keeping is a bare-bones phone, but that is up for discussion as well. If this is hard for you to do, think very vividly about what will happen to him or innocent others if he continues to drive while high on heroin or other substances. He does not need a car to stay sober.
5.Accept that he will whine, manipulate, lie and cajole for a long time to come, even if he remains sober. Try to not be offended by his lying. (This has been a hard one for me.) Do some reading about Post-Acute Recovery Symptoms, PAWS.
6. Be willing to let him go though what he is going to go through and understand that you are powerless over his addiction. Be loving and kind, gentle and non-confrontational. Do not tell him what to do. Let his actions speak for his recovery. Support his recovery through loving and supportive words, not financially. When my daughter was at an SLE for a few months, I'd bring her some of her favorite foods, and my mom bought her a bus pass. That was it. (It helped that I have been un/under-employed this whole time, but still, you could say your resources are tapped. There are public defenders, medical assistance for rehabs, etc.)
7. You could report his theft to the police and let him deal with the consequences. There are loving and thoughtful parents here on SR who have done just that who may be along soon to share more. Their sons are serving time and are in or have been in sober living situations (jail!).
I am sure there are things I have forgotten, but that's a start. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please keep us posted. There are so many caring, wise, and smart folks here who really come through every time someone reaches out. Remember that you are not alone in this.
Take good care.
1. Start here by reading the "stickies" at the top of this group. Very, very helpful! And read as much as you can about addiction. Last summer, the book Beautiful Boy by David Scheff really helped me, and now he has another book out titled Clean. There are others, too. And Melodie Beattie's The Language of Letting Go helps me calm down.
2. Get yourself (and your husband if he's willing) to a NarAnon meeting in your area. They are invaluable settings for support and questions. AlAnon meetings can be good, too, but NarAnon folks understand the illegal drug situations we encounter with addicts. Try a few different meetings and then go for at least six times. It's been a lifesaver for me.
3. Do NOT let him live at home. As others here have told me, home is our refuge, and when we have lived with an active or recovering addict, we have not been living in a refuge at all! Decide now that this is not an option for him and stick to it. Suggest he ask for staff help at the rehab locating a sober house, hopefully nowhere near his father.
4. Do NOT continue to pay for his car, his insurance, etc. The only thing I would consider keeping is a bare-bones phone, but that is up for discussion as well. If this is hard for you to do, think very vividly about what will happen to him or innocent others if he continues to drive while high on heroin or other substances. He does not need a car to stay sober.
5.Accept that he will whine, manipulate, lie and cajole for a long time to come, even if he remains sober. Try to not be offended by his lying. (This has been a hard one for me.) Do some reading about Post-Acute Recovery Symptoms, PAWS.
6. Be willing to let him go though what he is going to go through and understand that you are powerless over his addiction. Be loving and kind, gentle and non-confrontational. Do not tell him what to do. Let his actions speak for his recovery. Support his recovery through loving and supportive words, not financially. When my daughter was at an SLE for a few months, I'd bring her some of her favorite foods, and my mom bought her a bus pass. That was it. (It helped that I have been un/under-employed this whole time, but still, you could say your resources are tapped. There are public defenders, medical assistance for rehabs, etc.)
7. You could report his theft to the police and let him deal with the consequences. There are loving and thoughtful parents here on SR who have done just that who may be along soon to share more. Their sons are serving time and are in or have been in sober living situations (jail!).
I am sure there are things I have forgotten, but that's a start. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please keep us posted. There are so many caring, wise, and smart folks here who really come through every time someone reaches out. Remember that you are not alone in this.
Take good care.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Desperate drug addicts will rent their car out to drug dealers for a few bags of dope. God only knows what they do with the car but it's not good. He could also get a car title loan at a absurd interest rate if it is in his name & use the money for drugs. Just something to think about.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Dear Mereid....I am so sorry for what has brought you here. I am also the parent of an addict. My beautiful 22 year old son is addicted to Meth. He has been through rehab before and relapsed shortly after. It was court ordered. I don't think he ever bought into it...was just trying to appease people. 8 months ago I had to put some firm boundaries in place. We have been dealing with this for 5 years and absolutely nothing was changing....and as they say....if nothing changes nothing changes. I agree with everything said above...and most importantly YOU will find great support here for YOU. I attend Al-anon (there is no nar-anon in my area). I've found al-anon meets my needs and has absolutely saved my sanity. There came a point where I just threw my hands up. I felt I had done my absolute best at not enabling etc...but looking back I can see I was always running along behind him shoving a pillow under his bottom right before he landed....cushioning his fall so to say. I can't do it anymore. I've chosen to let him feel the full consequences of his actions. I've begun focusing on the other relationships in my life because as we know....addiction takes over EVERYTHING in it's path but only if we allow it to. When I am contacted by him I have been able to stick to the same message "when you are ready for recovery I will support you in it....but I will not support your addiction. I will not disrespect you by doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself". It hasn't gone over all that well but the last few contacts I've had with him signal that he may be getting closer to making a decision for himself and here's something you need to hear....after setting these hard boundaries....he still tells me he loves me. That is huge for me. My biggest fear was that he would hate me. I have more respect for people with boundaries so it makes sense he would as well.
If it were me, I would confront him with the evidence you have found. I would be direct in my communication and I wouldn't sugar coat anything. I totally get why you are concerned that he is still lying....a huge part of recovery is being honest. Some people here may disagree with me but I would probably call his counselor at the rehab and let him/her know what you've found. It may be a good opportunity for a real conversation about honesty with him.
Ultimately...you have to find that balance that will work for you. If you question whether you should be doing something....you probably shouldn't. Keep coming back here...it truly does help. There are a lot of really supportive people here with great advice and they understand every single bit of what you're feeling and going through. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm sorry the apprehension with your son getting out of rehab has been impacted even further by his inability to be honest at the moment. Sending big hugs to you today....Lizwig
If it were me, I would confront him with the evidence you have found. I would be direct in my communication and I wouldn't sugar coat anything. I totally get why you are concerned that he is still lying....a huge part of recovery is being honest. Some people here may disagree with me but I would probably call his counselor at the rehab and let him/her know what you've found. It may be a good opportunity for a real conversation about honesty with him.
Ultimately...you have to find that balance that will work for you. If you question whether you should be doing something....you probably shouldn't. Keep coming back here...it truly does help. There are a lot of really supportive people here with great advice and they understand every single bit of what you're feeling and going through. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I'm sorry the apprehension with your son getting out of rehab has been impacted even further by his inability to be honest at the moment. Sending big hugs to you today....Lizwig
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
From Lizwig: "...here's something you need to hear....after setting these hard boundaries....he still tells me he loves me. That is huge for me. My biggest fear was that he would hate me. I have more respect for people with boundaries so it makes sense he would as well."
Thank you for putting this so clearly and honestly, Lizwig. It is SO important for the parents here to really get this, to take it into our hearts! It's been a huge part of my recovery this past year, and despite her choices and my firm boundaries, my daughter still loves me, too.
Don't be afraid to set clear and healthy boundaries, Mereid. It is especially important for your 12 yo to see you setting them as well. It was hard on my youngest (15) but she really understands now why I set them and she respects me, even when it hurts to watch her sister make mistakes that I don't rescue & fix anymore.
Thank you for putting this so clearly and honestly, Lizwig. It is SO important for the parents here to really get this, to take it into our hearts! It's been a huge part of my recovery this past year, and despite her choices and my firm boundaries, my daughter still loves me, too.
Don't be afraid to set clear and healthy boundaries, Mereid. It is especially important for your 12 yo to see you setting them as well. It was hard on my youngest (15) but she really understands now why I set them and she respects me, even when it hurts to watch her sister make mistakes that I don't rescue & fix anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I am so sorry you are going through. My son is 20, and has been to several rehabs since he was 16. After the first 7 month stint we allowed him to come home, where he slipped into old behaviors within a few months. When he was 18, we did an intervention, he went to rehab, and we told him he couldn't come home until he'd been sober a year. He went to an extended care program, and found ways to "beat the system there" - started drinking, doing whippets, and finally opiates again for the last 6 months he was there. He left a week before his year, moving into an apartment we'd set up so he could continue school. He descended further- using IV heroin- and after a month he came clean with us and decided to sober up. He went back to AA and the sober community he'd established while at the extended care.
He has just completed a year clean, and is working at the extended care he ran from. Things are definitely not all "sunshine and puppies" as he is essentially a 13 year old in a man's body (he started using at 12)...but he is clean and working.
For myself, I found it much easier to "let go" and concentrate on me when he was not under my roof. He's actually been home for a few days, and I am finding myself slipping into old obsessive behaviors. Luckily, he needs to work Wednesday night, so will be heading back "home" (about 2 hours away) soon.
We chose to pay for him at the extended care,his car insurance (he bought his own car),his apartment, phone, and groceries, while he was in early recovery and attending college. We have been scaling back what we pay for though, and if he chooses to not return to college, he'll need to up his work hours to support himself 100%. This has worked for us, but I know some people provide no financial support at all.
Good luck with your journey.
He has just completed a year clean, and is working at the extended care he ran from. Things are definitely not all "sunshine and puppies" as he is essentially a 13 year old in a man's body (he started using at 12)...but he is clean and working.
For myself, I found it much easier to "let go" and concentrate on me when he was not under my roof. He's actually been home for a few days, and I am finding myself slipping into old obsessive behaviors. Luckily, he needs to work Wednesday night, so will be heading back "home" (about 2 hours away) soon.
We chose to pay for him at the extended care,his car insurance (he bought his own car),his apartment, phone, and groceries, while he was in early recovery and attending college. We have been scaling back what we pay for though, and if he chooses to not return to college, he'll need to up his work hours to support himself 100%. This has worked for us, but I know some people provide no financial support at all.
Good luck with your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Mereid,
a lot of great advice and certainly "ESH" experience, strength, and hope has been shared. My son is a heroin addict. He is currently in a nonprofit rehab. Someone here once said "parenting a drug addict is not for weenies" such truth!! It made me laugh in the midst of my tears. Over the years I have dealt with having his mug shot be the lead story on our local news, jail/prison, relapse, recovery, relapse, stealing, (we did press charges) and then all the various other dramas that come into your life with addiction. I am so very sorry that you are walking this broken road with all of us here, that being said I will tell you that this is a safe and comforting place to be. I haven't been posting much but come here often to read and catch up. I am a woman of faith and I pray regularly for those I've come to know who are battling this evil both online and here in my community. Please keep coming here, read, read, read. Get educated about addiction. I would also recommend finding a local NarAnon group. I go to one every Monday night. Many times I have walked into that room so weary and broken and found comfort and strength to continue on. Some nights I was the one who was able to offer encouragement and a shoulder for someone else who desperately needed it.
I am a mom who put my son out of the house. When he came home from prison we had eight wonderful months of sobriety and then a relapse hit us all like a freight train. It was then that I found NarAnon and this community. I learned about the importance of boundaries, of detaching with love, and that it IS possible to live with peace and serenity regardless of whether he is clean or not. As I said before we put him out, he was homeless for a time, lived in a shelter, in a tent and on several couches of friends. There were times that I met him for coffee, bought him food, even paid a drug dealer a couple of times to avoid a beating. I don't listen to anyone giving me crap about what I do and don't do for him if they have never dealt with a loved one who is an addict. For my friends here and in NarAnon I listen, pray and then when I need to I act ... those decisions are mine and only mine. I am doing the best I can each day as he is. I love him with all that I am and I know he loves me back but the boundaries are necessary because without them I believe that his addiction could truly destroy both of us. I've learned a lot on this journey about myself, about him, about the insanity that is addiction but most importantly about my higher power. God, He is so much bigger than I ever realized. He has carried me along the way and continues to do so. I have been in church my whole adult life but I think I have only truly sought Him in my grief and agony over my son's addiction. I have found that He has been with me all along. A lot of my NarANon friends start their days with a reading from our ESH book. I choose to turn to my bible first and I've found that the two books have much wisdom to offer. When I choose to grasp hold and apply my life is so much easier. Keep coming back ... lots of good here
a lot of great advice and certainly "ESH" experience, strength, and hope has been shared. My son is a heroin addict. He is currently in a nonprofit rehab. Someone here once said "parenting a drug addict is not for weenies" such truth!! It made me laugh in the midst of my tears. Over the years I have dealt with having his mug shot be the lead story on our local news, jail/prison, relapse, recovery, relapse, stealing, (we did press charges) and then all the various other dramas that come into your life with addiction. I am so very sorry that you are walking this broken road with all of us here, that being said I will tell you that this is a safe and comforting place to be. I haven't been posting much but come here often to read and catch up. I am a woman of faith and I pray regularly for those I've come to know who are battling this evil both online and here in my community. Please keep coming here, read, read, read. Get educated about addiction. I would also recommend finding a local NarAnon group. I go to one every Monday night. Many times I have walked into that room so weary and broken and found comfort and strength to continue on. Some nights I was the one who was able to offer encouragement and a shoulder for someone else who desperately needed it.
I am a mom who put my son out of the house. When he came home from prison we had eight wonderful months of sobriety and then a relapse hit us all like a freight train. It was then that I found NarAnon and this community. I learned about the importance of boundaries, of detaching with love, and that it IS possible to live with peace and serenity regardless of whether he is clean or not. As I said before we put him out, he was homeless for a time, lived in a shelter, in a tent and on several couches of friends. There were times that I met him for coffee, bought him food, even paid a drug dealer a couple of times to avoid a beating. I don't listen to anyone giving me crap about what I do and don't do for him if they have never dealt with a loved one who is an addict. For my friends here and in NarAnon I listen, pray and then when I need to I act ... those decisions are mine and only mine. I am doing the best I can each day as he is. I love him with all that I am and I know he loves me back but the boundaries are necessary because without them I believe that his addiction could truly destroy both of us. I've learned a lot on this journey about myself, about him, about the insanity that is addiction but most importantly about my higher power. God, He is so much bigger than I ever realized. He has carried me along the way and continues to do so. I have been in church my whole adult life but I think I have only truly sought Him in my grief and agony over my son's addiction. I have found that He has been with me all along. A lot of my NarANon friends start their days with a reading from our ESH book. I choose to turn to my bible first and I've found that the two books have much wisdom to offer. When I choose to grasp hold and apply my life is so much easier. Keep coming back ... lots of good here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 6
Thanks so much for all the advice...since no-one seemed to think I should let him move back home, I guess I was right on with that. I'm trying to feel a little less guilty about that decision.
I did speak with him today and confronted him about the stolen items. He did own up to it...but of course followed up with "but that's the only thing ever!" which is always the same response I always hear, until I discover the next thing. I just cant believe anything he says.
I told him he could not come home because I cant trust him and he steals from me and he said he understood. I don't know where he will go though. He says he absolutely will not go to a sober living house. I told him I would only continue to pay for his car insurance/phone if and only if he was living at a sober house. If he moves in with his father or back in with his same circle of friends he is on his own. I will only support his efforts to stay clean.
It was pretty heartbreaking to tell him he could not come home. If he does end up moving in with his father or friends and ends up addicted again or worse overdosing, I don't know how I will feel about that decision....but I cant trust him, I dont want him influencing my other kids and it will be easy for him to fall back into his old patterns if he comes here. Rock and a hard place.
Thank you for mentioning the 12 year old seeing me set the limits. I had not considered that. How important that is really. I really don't want to do this again with him too.
I really hope he does reconsider a sober living facility. That is where he belongs until he can start to get on his own two feet. I guess he has a few days to think it over. He doesn't tell me much about what goes on at rehab but I would assume they have some kind of counselor who can help him set that up. Funny I had not even thought about it as he has not mentioned it.
I did speak with him today and confronted him about the stolen items. He did own up to it...but of course followed up with "but that's the only thing ever!" which is always the same response I always hear, until I discover the next thing. I just cant believe anything he says.
I told him he could not come home because I cant trust him and he steals from me and he said he understood. I don't know where he will go though. He says he absolutely will not go to a sober living house. I told him I would only continue to pay for his car insurance/phone if and only if he was living at a sober house. If he moves in with his father or back in with his same circle of friends he is on his own. I will only support his efforts to stay clean.
It was pretty heartbreaking to tell him he could not come home. If he does end up moving in with his father or friends and ends up addicted again or worse overdosing, I don't know how I will feel about that decision....but I cant trust him, I dont want him influencing my other kids and it will be easy for him to fall back into his old patterns if he comes here. Rock and a hard place.
Thank you for mentioning the 12 year old seeing me set the limits. I had not considered that. How important that is really. I really don't want to do this again with him too.
I really hope he does reconsider a sober living facility. That is where he belongs until he can start to get on his own two feet. I guess he has a few days to think it over. He doesn't tell me much about what goes on at rehab but I would assume they have some kind of counselor who can help him set that up. Funny I had not even thought about it as he has not mentioned it.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Mereid, I am another mom of a heroin/meth addict who has spent the last 8 months out of the year in jail for his actions. My story is long so please review my previous posts. I had to press charges on him TWICE for stealing from us and it broke my heart to do so, but I also believed it saved his life! He is awaiting sentencing for his last issue when he didn't complete the court ordered rehab. Believe it or not, I am totally at peace with him behind bars. We see him weekly, and he and I have established a new method of communication. Now they do say jail talk and real walk can be different, so we shall see. My son is an amazing, charismatic and very resourceful person. He has shown me who he was and I am waiting for him to show me who he is.
I think letting your son feel the full effect of his actions will help speed the bottom. I too enabled and enabled from age 18 to 21 before I finally got hurt , stepped on lied to and scared stiff from my sons drug usage. When I let go and he ran and continued to use and make terrible choices, I actually realized the extent of my enabling. I am glad that I chose to stop cushioning the fall and I really believe my sons life is in God's hands.
Hugs and welcome. We all understand here the pain of letting our child go.
Teresa
I think letting your son feel the full effect of his actions will help speed the bottom. I too enabled and enabled from age 18 to 21 before I finally got hurt , stepped on lied to and scared stiff from my sons drug usage. When I let go and he ran and continued to use and make terrible choices, I actually realized the extent of my enabling. I am glad that I chose to stop cushioning the fall and I really believe my sons life is in God's hands.
Hugs and welcome. We all understand here the pain of letting our child go.
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
"It was pretty heartbreaking to tell him he could not come home. until he can start to get on his own two feet."
I was heartbroken too when I told my 23 yr old son he couldn't come home after his second stint at rehab. I couldn't imagine how it could be a good thing not having him live at home. I thought I would be consumed with fear not knowing what was going on all the time. But I was wrong. Going to a sober living environment was the best thing that could have happened for my son. Letting him come home after going to rehab the first time just didn't work for him or me. We were down that road already and something had to change. We paid for his sober living arrangement for the first two months until he got a job. He has been clean for over a year, working hard at his recovery and proud of being able to support himself.
I realize now, looking back, that I did everything for him and that was probably the worst thing I could have done. It was not easy letting go and sometimes I still struggle but I have to let him find his way in life.
Prayers and hugs coming your way during this difficult time.
I was heartbroken too when I told my 23 yr old son he couldn't come home after his second stint at rehab. I couldn't imagine how it could be a good thing not having him live at home. I thought I would be consumed with fear not knowing what was going on all the time. But I was wrong. Going to a sober living environment was the best thing that could have happened for my son. Letting him come home after going to rehab the first time just didn't work for him or me. We were down that road already and something had to change. We paid for his sober living arrangement for the first two months until he got a job. He has been clean for over a year, working hard at his recovery and proud of being able to support himself.
I realize now, looking back, that I did everything for him and that was probably the worst thing I could have done. It was not easy letting go and sometimes I still struggle but I have to let him find his way in life.
Prayers and hugs coming your way during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Mereid, I also can relate to how you feel I am the mother of 2 AS (addicted Son) The oldest I went through H3LL and back with he also has a severe mental diagnosis and he started self medicating without me realizing it I thought ALL the things I was seeing were from his illness. I was wrong I felt guilt I felt that if I had been a "good" mom I would have caught it and he would not be an addict again I was wrong.
This son went to a dual diagnosis rehab one that could treat the illness and the addiction He got there and a Friday they had to call me Friday and Saturday night to talk too him he was being very disruptive and would not calm down then on Sunday I was called and told to come get him he was making threats they said and they could not keep him there. IDK why they didn't call the police but I went and got him. I could go on for hours about what we encountered with him he stole from us over and over we pressed charges and when he was released he would steal again while we, were sleeping he would come to our home and take whatever he could find we had stuff locked upp in our camper and he would break in.
Every time he would get out of jail he would start using that day they release the inmates here at midnight. Fast forward I also have dropped him off at our local Rescue Mission so he would have a place to stay he would leave and sleep in empty houses and who knows where else.
He is currently in prison he broke probation by stealing pampers of all things and I learned a few months back he is facing serious time on drug charges that I didn't know about. When he first went to prison he didn't report it to social Security and he kept getting his check and he somehow found a way to get drugs with that money best we can figure he started using around age 13-14 he is 28 now.
My other son is 25 I was in total shock when I found out he was using he was a police cadet and rode with the Sheriffs Dept. here and he also went through the sheriff Reserve. I found out because he overdosed and I had to do CPR on him. I found out in 2009 my worse fear was it would happen again and I did ALL the WRONG things.
I thought if he lived with me I could watch him and it couldn't happen again I did place boundaries and he didn't like them so he moved in with his uncle for awhile.
I guess what I am trying to say is I understand, as a mother I went through so many feelings then I came back here to SR because my husband had started using pain pills I finally (I am stubborn) went to meetings and started working on myself to help me with the feelings I had and although I still have some work to do I don't think I would have any sanity left if I had not went to Al-anon and posted here at SR,
A big hug from one mothers heart to another mothers heart.
This son went to a dual diagnosis rehab one that could treat the illness and the addiction He got there and a Friday they had to call me Friday and Saturday night to talk too him he was being very disruptive and would not calm down then on Sunday I was called and told to come get him he was making threats they said and they could not keep him there. IDK why they didn't call the police but I went and got him. I could go on for hours about what we encountered with him he stole from us over and over we pressed charges and when he was released he would steal again while we, were sleeping he would come to our home and take whatever he could find we had stuff locked upp in our camper and he would break in.
Every time he would get out of jail he would start using that day they release the inmates here at midnight. Fast forward I also have dropped him off at our local Rescue Mission so he would have a place to stay he would leave and sleep in empty houses and who knows where else.
He is currently in prison he broke probation by stealing pampers of all things and I learned a few months back he is facing serious time on drug charges that I didn't know about. When he first went to prison he didn't report it to social Security and he kept getting his check and he somehow found a way to get drugs with that money best we can figure he started using around age 13-14 he is 28 now.
My other son is 25 I was in total shock when I found out he was using he was a police cadet and rode with the Sheriffs Dept. here and he also went through the sheriff Reserve. I found out because he overdosed and I had to do CPR on him. I found out in 2009 my worse fear was it would happen again and I did ALL the WRONG things.
I thought if he lived with me I could watch him and it couldn't happen again I did place boundaries and he didn't like them so he moved in with his uncle for awhile.
I guess what I am trying to say is I understand, as a mother I went through so many feelings then I came back here to SR because my husband had started using pain pills I finally (I am stubborn) went to meetings and started working on myself to help me with the feelings I had and although I still have some work to do I don't think I would have any sanity left if I had not went to Al-anon and posted here at SR,
A big hug from one mothers heart to another mothers heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Dear Mereid,
I do not think it is possible for you to find a better
source of data than these kind souls of SR.....each of
which has walked the walk, and each of which is willing
to share their experiences.
SR was the only good thing I was able to pull out
of this godawful addictive mess....and for that I am truly
grateful.
I do not think it is possible for you to find a better
source of data than these kind souls of SR.....each of
which has walked the walk, and each of which is willing
to share their experiences.
SR was the only good thing I was able to pull out
of this godawful addictive mess....and for that I am truly
grateful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 3
Mereid,
I am saddened to read your story. I too am a mum of a 23 year old young man who is addicted to who knows what. We suspect it is Ice, but really not sure.
We have dealt with such a lot of trauma over the past 6 or 7 years because of his poor behaviour which includes destroying our homes, including my parents' home, he is abusive, can't control the rage that bubbles inside of him, and has basically destroyed any form of relationship we had with him. He yells, screams, and carries on in such a way....it's just hard really hard to describe. He has hurt us deeply, and the pain is just unbearable. Neighbours ring the police, we ring the police, he has had charges laid against him, and is in a really bad head space.
The last week was the worst. He became so abusive, the name calling and threatening behaviour, including becoming physical with my daughter (his sister), I decided that enough was enough. Rightly or wrongly (and I haven't yet worked this out) I told him that I no longer want anything to do with him until he is off the drugs and back to the son that we once had. It's so sad, probably nothing that I need to explain to you. My heart is broken. Every time I think about it for too long I start crying. It's as if I am grieving over and over and over again. Every time a new incident, the wounds open up again.
He uses people like a sponge, and that includes my parents who keep trying to 'save' him. My dad, who is 76, is on a mission to save my son. He is concerned that he will committ suicide and because of that my dad continues to act as his safety net. So does my mother. What my parents have endured is unimaginable. I am so ashamed of my son's actions, it's hard to put into words.
Like many people here, I have so many sad and horrible stories that I could talk about and I'm sure many people who don't have a loved one in this situation would never believe any of them. They would probably think it's exaggerated. My husband and I separated last year after 24 years as the stress took a toll on our marriage. We are trying to sort things out now and are back together but it is a daily struggle.
I guess all I can really suggest to you is to look after yourself and your family, especially your young children. I know the guilt really beats us up, and this is something we need to work on. Best of luck to you. My thoughts are with you.
I am saddened to read your story. I too am a mum of a 23 year old young man who is addicted to who knows what. We suspect it is Ice, but really not sure.
We have dealt with such a lot of trauma over the past 6 or 7 years because of his poor behaviour which includes destroying our homes, including my parents' home, he is abusive, can't control the rage that bubbles inside of him, and has basically destroyed any form of relationship we had with him. He yells, screams, and carries on in such a way....it's just hard really hard to describe. He has hurt us deeply, and the pain is just unbearable. Neighbours ring the police, we ring the police, he has had charges laid against him, and is in a really bad head space.
The last week was the worst. He became so abusive, the name calling and threatening behaviour, including becoming physical with my daughter (his sister), I decided that enough was enough. Rightly or wrongly (and I haven't yet worked this out) I told him that I no longer want anything to do with him until he is off the drugs and back to the son that we once had. It's so sad, probably nothing that I need to explain to you. My heart is broken. Every time I think about it for too long I start crying. It's as if I am grieving over and over and over again. Every time a new incident, the wounds open up again.
He uses people like a sponge, and that includes my parents who keep trying to 'save' him. My dad, who is 76, is on a mission to save my son. He is concerned that he will committ suicide and because of that my dad continues to act as his safety net. So does my mother. What my parents have endured is unimaginable. I am so ashamed of my son's actions, it's hard to put into words.
Like many people here, I have so many sad and horrible stories that I could talk about and I'm sure many people who don't have a loved one in this situation would never believe any of them. They would probably think it's exaggerated. My husband and I separated last year after 24 years as the stress took a toll on our marriage. We are trying to sort things out now and are back together but it is a daily struggle.
I guess all I can really suggest to you is to look after yourself and your family, especially your young children. I know the guilt really beats us up, and this is something we need to work on. Best of luck to you. My thoughts are with you.
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