madisonblake

It was six weeks ago yesterday I chose to not let my ex go on vacation with us because he was wacked out on prescription pills again. I was starting to almost be frustrated with myself for still feeling so much anger, resentment and couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanting to scream, vomit, etc.

Something changed in me this weekend. For one, I spent time with my friend who's 25 year friendship I almost ruined by believing lies my axbf told me. We had a heart to heart, talked, listened to music and danced around his basement like we were teenagers. Had a blast and laughed so much.

Saturday I decided eventhough I didn't have my daughter, I would stay home all day alone. I've felt this incredible sense of being alone in the past 6 weeks when my daughter was with her dad but I stayed home anyway eventhough friends/family were inviting me out to do things. I felt comfortable in my own home, alone with my thoughts. Something that has been hard to do for the past 6 weeks.

Today I went to a family friend's baptism and was surrounded by people I've known my entire life and family. We made plans to take all our kids to the zoo next weekend, and plans for other weekends in the summer. It made me realize how much I actually isolated myself when I was with my axbf. It gave me the chills. I would never have made these plans when I was with him. He wasn't too accepted by my family and friends and whenver things started seeming normal he would go right back to drugs and my family/friends wanted nothing to do with him again. Urgh. How did I NOT see how isolating it all was. When I struggled to stay home alone this past weekend, I thought to myself, this is not NEARLY as isolating as the last three years with an addict have been. It was so enmeshed it is sickening.

Sorry this is so long but something else happened that somehow made me turn a corner into my own recovery. I ran into an acquaintance who I had known as a child at this baptism. He was telling me how he had gotten a divorce and he had custody of his children but their mom saw them. Then he went into a story of how she became addicted to prescription pills, same ones my ex was on. She lost custody of the children but apparently is now off drugs and sees them. But what really turned me off is when he called her an "effin bi--ch" when he was talking about her. All I could think about is that is exactly how my exabf talked to me and that's exactly how I started to react to him. It was disgusting to hear it. It was more disgusting to remember that I allowed someone to talk to me like that.

This guy I could tell was interested in me. Asked if I was on facebook, etc, was kinda flirty. I thought there's NO WAY I would ever date you when you speak about women that way. Huge red flag. It made me for the first time in three years think to myself maybe I did endure three years of hell for me to learn something. Today I learned a few lessons.......never isolate yourself from your friends for anyone. Enmeshment is so unhealthy. Second...any guy who is calling a woman an "effin bit---h" over and over again is no man I'd ever want to date. Eeek.

It may seem I'm rambling and I feel like I'm rambling about nothing. I guess this is just my way of letting you all know that it took 6 weeks and these are just small baby steps but they are baby steps forward to peace and happiness again. There's no way I'd ever want to go back. My ex is a very sick person. I'm in no way near forgiving or forgetting but at least I'm starting to wake up and see how abusive the relationship really was and how destructive and detrimental it was to my life. I would have ended up just like my ex had I stayed in that relationship for much longer......angry, depressed, no friends, and talking like a truck driver. I came so so close to losing all my dignity. today felt good. I feel a little bit of peace

madisonblake

I guess I should have said I almost got to the point where I wanted to thank my ex. He taught me EVERY SINGLE TRAIT I would not want to see in a man I date. I'll thank him for that one! I've learned every red flag. Thank you addict. For that I am eternally grateful :-)

LoveMeNow

Way to go Madison! Glad to read that relationship was not in vain and you can see what you will not find acceptable again. Good job!!

madisonblake

Thanks and funny part is that a week ago I was waking up to nightmares about the things he had done and had so much anger inside of me. I think that was the peak of my anger. For some reason, things started to feel less angry after that. I sat with the anger for so many weeks, that it was exhausting. I just let it go finally. I am sure the anger will come in waves but I'm pretty sure I've been past the worse of it. At least I'm not daydreaming of things I could do to make him pay for all his crap behavior anymore. He's not even worth the energy of it. He will continue to screw up his own life just fine on his own. He needs no help :-)