sadielady

Hi everyone.

I've been enjoying reading your posts, browsing a few times and then just joining today. My boyfriend is in rehab right now after an ER/ICU visit when he tried to detox himself. Seizures, major shakes, some hard falls, loss of the use of his legs and some seriously dangerous conditions, we now know. Several doctors said the ER visit saved his life, and he needs to stop drinking forever to continue to save it. He agrees and I think he's giving rehab a serious go, but afraid. Afraid of who he'll be on the other side. And he's digging into what makes him want to drink and how he hides with drinking, and there's a lot of pain under there.

Our relationship is relatively new, and I want to be supportive and loving and helpful, but I've never been through this before and could use some guidance. I'm an open, honest, direct, reflective person and I love that he's digging in to start showing up for himself, as he admits drinking is his mask. I've been open and direct that I'm proud and I think that's very brave, and I understand how it must be incredibly painful. (I went through therapy for a number of years, through my own kind of hiding unrelated to substance abuse, and value self-growth and eradication of self-deception, and I see he has tremendous strength there but is very fragile and hurting, not yet wholly believing in his value unlubricated, but desperately wanting too).

Can you tell me, those of you in recovery, what kind of support from a woman (or man) who truly loves you REALLY helps? Specifically, how would you want your woman to be, or was there a woman (err, or man), who was there for you but not enabling or codependent, really a true supporter through your hard slog? I'd love any advice. My heart is open, I am trusting my instincts so far but would also love any advice. Any reading material on the topic welcome too. I read the To Wives chapter in the big book but need more.

THank you,
Sadie

Nighthawk8820

For starters, it sounds awesome that you are being so supportive instead of being an enabler (which is usually the case in relationships involving addictions). For me, the people who have stuck out or made a difference are people who didnt sugar coat stuff or beat around the bush with me. There have been times I just wanted to vent or got whiny, and listening is HUGE. Sometimes that is all I needed, was someone to listen and not say anything. Stay away from cliches like "One day at a time" or "Everything happens for a reason". These may be true, but someone struggling rarely likes to hear them, and they usually just **** people off. Just make sure you dont lose yourself in this relationship and that you are getting back what you put in. Peope dont notice this often, but sometimes you can have your own form of addiction, which is trying to mother or help/save people or avoiding your own issues by diving into a pool of someone elses. That is a whole different ball game. It sounds to me like you are just being caring though, which is awesome.

sadielady

Hey there Nighthawk, thank you so much for your thoughtful response.

That's great advice about not offering the platitudes that are likely pretty annoying about one day at a time, particularly since I can't know what that's really like. The listening, and being there for that, is something I'm trying to do and will keep extra thoughtful about offering that.

I'm definitely a straight talker, and not an enabler, and I've been thinking a lot about how I'm in perhaps just the right place that we dont' have such long history that I've been disappointed and hugely emotionally entrenched in ways that would make me bring in drama or do some enabling behaviors... yet I've absolutely fallen for him and care for him so I'm in it to be a real supporter.

I like what you said about watching out for not losing myself. So far I don't feel any risk of that, in how I'm approaching this, but I do get how that could be a slippery slope.

Iappreaciate you responding, it helps a lot.

sugarbear1

try Al Anon meetings and focus on you

DAB

Try to find a balance between being supportive and being cautious.
Too much interest can be overwhelming and too little can seem uncaring.
Remember that it's up to him, he has to do this. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him not drink if he gets the urge. He should attend AA regularly, that is where he can really get the support he needs. He really has to want it and work for it and never become complacent with his progress. Anyone can get sober, it's living sober and staying sober that most of us have had a problem with.