Momzo

Hello, I've been on the friends and family of addicts/alcoholics forum since December, that's when I finally had to break up with my live in fiancée. That was very hard for me to do...but very necessary, for both of us. Since then, I've been doing so much research on addicts and codependency. I also realize that much of my behavior and life choices is a product of my childhood. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was a workaholic who cheated on her numerous times. My mother never worked, but would be passed out most of the time when we would come home from school. My father supported her behavior, probably so he could still do whatever he was doing. When I graduated high school, my parents decided to move to our lake house which is two hours away from our main home. My brother was a senior in high school, they put him in an apartment! I moved in with my boyfriend in a trailer park. My parents abandoned us for their own selfish needs. They have never helped me with anything. I did everything on my own. I've been working for current employer for 18 years now and they paid for my college. I have a wonderful 19 year old son who's in college now. Ok...I'm starting to ramble...let me get to my question..

I want to cut off all contact with my parents. My mother called me on my vacation asking for money last week. I've had enough. They have major gambling issues, filed bankruptcy twice...of course they lost the lake house. I can't help them. I feel bad but I don't want to help them. They weren't there for me, my brother and sister, or my son. I only gave her $20...I don't want her running to the casino. She probably bought scratch offs though. I caught her doing that before when I gave her money.

I'm so mad. I wish I had good 'normal' parents. I'm 41 and I'm still hurt.

Is it ok that I feel this way? I know they gave me life and I am thankful for that...but I don't want to carry on with this charade or enable anymore.



Thanks...Jennie

DavidG

Hi Jen,


I am up here, mostly becos of the side of the world I live on- cutting into your time zone. This forum has regulars who will talk when they wake up, get up, or whatever.

I am a long-timer in the programme- bin there, done that. It is great to share our own experience, strength and hope [ESH] and learning that we are not alone.

For me- well... it is a holiday this Monday- the celebrate the Queen's birthday.
Life is tough living round addiction- a daily nightmare. I have learned to live in the moment- to lean back and breath deeply.

Sometimes I just like to talk about the weather, the game, pets and movies.

A haven outside of hell, even for a few minutes. Well, y'know ma'am, I am not just totally slack! I will and do get right in there and really front up for the child within- the lovely caring child I see within you, I can see that clearly in your post.

We don't get to pick the materials we get to work with, inside of our families... together, we can learn to accept that, as a fact of life...

...getting on with our own lives is a task- and dealing with our FOO [family of origin] can be a big deal...

...I am still learning day by day... I have learned to feel, to embrace my old frozen emotions- a good start...

...but seeing newcomers coming forward is a sure sign of health in a group. I welcome this whole-heartedly...



DavidG
New Zealand.

Momzo

Thank you DavidG!

Its wonderful receiving so much care and support from those who don't even know me!

Even though I didn't have great parents...I make sure that I'm the best I can be for my son. Once I became a parent, I started to realize how much I missed. I will never understand how a parent could choose themselves over their own children.

Thanks again for you kind words

Momzo

DavidG,

The Queens birthday? What do you do on her birthday? Are you in New Zealand?

DavidG

Well, its winter here... it poured yesterday...

since the deep dark days of Lady Di the royal family has pulled itself up and gotten the profile it deserves. The heady romance of Kate and Willy has done a whole lot for them.

[Our film stars in the Commonwealth don't cut it quite so much!]

We might do some walking later, if it dries out... :>)

Momzo

I hope it dries out for you!

I'm getting ready to throw pork chops on the BBQ! Lol! I had to say that! This time next year you will be saying that to me

Kialua

Yes it is ok to feel that way if you do feel that way. If you need to cut ties to get a balance back in life then go ahead. It won't stop you from worrying or feeing guilty but it give you some relief.

I didn't have much to do with my family, my alcoholic dad. But I had more emotional disconnect than physical. I kept in touch and visited like a good daughter but never expected any emotional support or love from my folks at all. I didn't hang out with them, but did see them occasionally throughout the years. My dad didn't quit drinking (and being a jerk) till he was incarcerated at 80!

Once I had kids I too, noticed how could they do this and be like this. With each new milestone I experienced, it was bittersweet filled with old negative memories.

I'm glad you've been doing reading and research, it really helps. There is a lot to read here in the stickies above too.

It's summer here too, but a cold and wet one. Can't believe it, the heat just turned on, again!

EveningRose

Yes, it's okay to feel hurt. Parents are supposed to care for and love their children. I'm 44 and yes, in some senses, it hurts. Mostly, I just accept they are who they are and don't waste time thinking about it, but sometimes, I get angry, not about the past, but about the things I'm still living as a result of their behavior.

But what can you do? I remind myself nobody has it perfect in this life.

You're right not to give them more money. If they're gambling it away, or drinking it...if it's about their irresponsibility with money...they'll suck you dry till your finances are also destroyed.

Bubovski

Sort of a catch 22.
Dysfunctional parents can possibly turn you into a raving psycho.
Too much blame and self pity re this can also negate your essence IMO.

Balancing it out can be tricky, but we must be true to ourselves too.