unhappi

Hi, This is the first time i ve posted ,although i ve been reading the threads for a few months. I'm married to an alcoholic, we've been together 4 years married for 15 months. I never knew he had a drink problem at first, by the time i'd realised, I was in love with him. At first it was nt such an issue but since we've been married he becomes aggressive and violent when he drinks. I'm always on edge waiting for him to start on me.
Im sick of the lies, I'm sick of being insulted and threatened, I'm tired of being made to feel i'm not good enoough and that everything I do is wrong.
I work full time in a stressful job, then I have to come home and be screamed at and humiliated.Everything I ever tell him, he twists then uses it against me when he drinks, On monday he saw me in the town and screamed such foul disgusting things at me, I felt so humiliated, the violence and aggression just makes me feel physically sick.
When he's sober he is caring and loving, when he drinks he becomes a monster and is ready to fight everyone. A neighbour called the police because he pinned me against the front door, it made the situation worse. I know hes abusive and I should walk away, why do I take it?
He found somewhere to stay as I could nt cope with the stress, but he won't leave me alone, he s either banging on the door insulting me, or calling crying and begging to come home then in the next breath hes threatening me saying he'll always be married to me and he'll kill me if we are nt together. I just need some peace, I love him but i'm emotionally exhausted by his games.
Sometimes he says he does have a problem with drink but hes not an alcoholic, other times he says everyone else has the problem. I believe in our marriage vows and our religion says I should forgive. I do but its like he plays on it, When I forgive him he thinks I'm weak and its ok to mess up again. he drinks everytime he has money, he isnt working and now we're 'apart' he gets benefits . When he does he drinks til the money runs out, then he'll be vicious for about 3 days til the booze is out of his system. The he'll be 'normal' and apologetic til next time.. and there always is a next time.

SparkleKitty

Hi, unhappi, and welcome to SR. I am glad you found us, but sorry for what brought you here. Please come and have a look over at the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum on this site. There is a wealth of experience, strength, and hope over there, and you will know very quickly that you are not alone in what you're going through.

It's no way to live, being abused in your own home. I understand your respect for your marriage vows and your religion, but I don't believe that forgiveness necessarily equals remaining in an abusive situation. Your Higher Power may have a plan for you, but I cannot believe it includes the kind of punishment you describe at home.

Please stick around. Educate yourself about alcoholism and all that comes with it. Sending you strength and courage,

MsJax

I am so sorry, unhappi.

All I can say is GO. Now. Call a women's shelter or a friend you can trust. Get a no contact order. He will not change. Your religious beliefs and vows cannot come before your very life.

unhappi

Thank you, I know its abusive, one of my roles at work is to educate mums to be, and one of the subjects I need to address is domestic violence!! My head says i should sell the house and move well away, but my heart hopes that he might wake up and see what hes doing to us...I know the likelihood of that is probably non existent but thats what my heart hopes. I have no friends, he never liked me seeing anyone and i stupidly felt it was easier not to see them than have arguments..
Its like i've got lost in all the stress and games that he plays and don't know who I am anymore. I used to be a happy go lucky, positive out going person... now im stressed out, emotionally drained and I feel and look old. My spark has gone and I don't know how to get me back.

upandup

Please keep yourself safe!! Contact your old friends and your neighbors, a women's help line and say I'm married to a physically abusive alcoholic. What do I do next? Please keep posting here to let us know you're safe.

Living

Your story is heartbreaking. Please break this cycle and get out now while you can. I had a friend (co-worker) who was in your same situation and unfortunatley ended up in the hospital badly beaten. Your statement about "he said we will always be married" is a very scary thing. He does not own you.

Sorry that he will not accept responsibility for his addiction and behavior, but you need to take care of yourself first. You cannot fix someone who thinks they are not broken.

Nighthawk8820

Unfortunately, you are in the cycle of abuse, and it will not change unless you get out of it, or he quits drinking. You know you deserve better than this, but you are allowing it to occur. Change is scary, but what is even scarier is imagining this occurring for the rest of your life. Right now, the relationship is extremely toxic for both parties. You are enabling his behavior by letting it continue to happen and never leaving, and he is taking out his frustrations on you and causing you to live with constant fear and anxiety because right now, he knows he can. So what happens? Something's gotta give. Either you can make some drastic changes or remain stuck. He most likely will never change if things stay as they are because he can get away with it. You can beg and plead, and he may even tell you what you want to hear, but no change will actually occur. Im sorry to say, but its up to you. Why are you so dependent on this relationship is a question I would start with. Work from there. You may not be on a sobriety type path, but you surely could benefit from some self discovery and healing. It sounds like you need a real confidence booster, and the only way to get this is to step way out of your comfort zone.

You can make threats to him, get angry, but your the one suffering the most. Its SOOO unfair having to deal with an addict personality, I understand. Besides being an addict myself, I grew up dealing with my dad. Its a horrible cycle, but someone has to break it. Id move out and cut ties if I were you. If he is serious about you, then he will make the changes needed to get back into your life. If he doesnt, well its better you learn now and move on because right now, you are caught in a cycle that unfortunately, will not break itself.

unhappi

I dont think its dependency, When Im alone Im quite happy and content, I think I take it because of our marriage vows, We are Sikh, he is Indian I am white, I converted about 4 years ago , and I am proud to be Sikh, We have nt been married for long, its second time for both of us and I don't want it to fail. I feel ashamed that things are so bad and that he is abusive towards me when drunk. Its a typical jekyll and hyde situation. when its good its amazing when its bad its hellish. I think I give him chances because I know he does try really hard not to drink. he had an abusive childhood and witnessed dv to his mother which could have some influence on how he is today.
When hes sober I see the man he can be, he is intelligent sensitive and caring. He has so much potential yet hes throwing it away. Thats who I miss, Thats why I give him chances.I know I can't change him or influence his drinking it has to come from him. Somehow along the way I got lost. I know I need to take care of me and have taken some positive steps , they may seem trivial to some but for me its the start of getting me back. Silly things such as ignoring his phone calls, Leaving the cup in the sink because he isnt there to scream insults at me cos i havent put it away. That feels good. watching programmes on the tv that he hated, playing my classical music and singing along because i enjoy it and he isnt there to tell me to turn the rubbish off.
I will get there, it may take time, but Im determined to get me back.
he thinks im weak, but Im strong, I ve had to be living with him!!

honeypig

This part is good, Unhappi! You KNOW you can do what you need to do. Here is the link to the "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" part of the forum. Lots of us there who understand where you are at. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

In particular, there are people there who can help you figure out your domestic violence situation. As others were saying, you may need to physically remove yourself whether you feel ready or not--you may not have the luxury of time.

Read the stickies at the top of that forum section; there is a lot of good general info and some specific to abuse situations also. See about going to some Alanon meetings as soon as you possibly can, and if you can't physically go to a meeting, be aware they have online and telephone meetings too.

Above all, keep yourself safe. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he WILL get worse--maybe slowly, maybe very quickly.

Mizzuno

I am sure that you are strong, there is no doubt. This is not about strength when it comes down to it. This is about protection, and saving your life. You do not deserve this behavior, no matter what religion you have adopted. I am sure that some of the vow stuff was lost in translation.....I do not think that anyone needs to keep themselves in a physically abusive relationship because they swore to god for better or worse. Deeply consider packing and leaving this person behind. Do not wait for the caring man to appear. He is not going to reappear. Please put yourself first above all other things.

DG0409

This is just my opinion, but I think HE has already broken your marriage vows by treating you the way he does. I don't think you could do anything to make it more broken than it is.

My heart goes out to you. I was in very much the same situation with my ex-boyfriend not all that long ago. I really 'loved' the sober him and because of that, I put up with really awful things from him when he was drunk/on drugs.

I left and even after that, he continued the harassment and threats, nasty texts, lies and manipulation to try to get me back. He too, made me afraid for my life. But that was just a scare tactic to try to manipulate me and control me. I finally had to get a restraining order. It is expiring now and it's hard to believe it's been a year since I last had contact with the jerk. The threat of going to jail if he continued to f with me was enough that I haven't heard a single peep from him in the last year. Turns out under all the threats, he was a huge coward.

I left because I was afraid for my life and I wanted to survive more than anything. It took a long time to lose the feelings I had towards the sober him and also to deal with the trauma of the abuse.

I was too embarrassed of our relationship to even want friends, so I isolated myself quite a bit, and he didn't like it when I did do stuff with friends, either. That is a typical trait of the drunk/abuser type.

You'll find as you read more stories around that you're not alone and that the things you've written about are the standard operating procedures of guys like that.

I know how scary and hard it is and it's especially hard to do when you're feeling so low after putting up with this stuff for so long and being distanced from friends and people who would have supported you.

I am so thankful that I have my ex out of my life. It is worth the pain and all the stuff you have to go through to get rid of somebody like that in your life.

There are lots of resources for women, so if you fear for your life, there are places you can go for help. If you feel you need to go to a shelter or something, do it.

Try to record evidence of what he is doing. Write down what happens, dates, try to get a tape recorder and secretly tape the verbal arguments, call the cops and report anything that happens, etc. If you need to get a restraining order, it really helps to have evidence of the harassment. I deleted a bunch of his threatening texts because I thought they were garbage, but regretted it when I wished I had a record of him threatening to kill me in court.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your situation Unhappi.

There's been some really good advice here - please do take a look at the following links too

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

Please - take care of yourself.
D

unhappi

Thank you all for your inspirational messages,
I agree with all thats been said, I have booked an appointment to put the house on the market, even though I love my house, I know that to be free I need to move away.
last night was awful, he came round to the house to 'talk' to me and asked to use the bathroom, me being stupid let him in the house. this led to 3 hours of him refusing to leave and screaming insults , threatening me and being confrontational towards me, calling me awful names telling me im useless, that he could do so much better than me etc and generally making me feel crap about myself. When he refuses to leave i feel total panic inside and want to lash out at him as i just want him to go and leave me alone. I hate how he makes me feel.
I try to be strong and not let what he says hurt me but it does, I dont understand why he says he loves me in one breath then is so nasty and vicious in the next. I dont undestand why hed be so cruel and nasty. I know hes drunk when he says the awful things , but for him to say them they have to have been in his head

honeypig

Unhappi, please try to get to an Alanon meeting; it is a good starting place for your recovery. You cannot control or understand your A, but you CAN start getting yourself stronger and healthier so his actions affect you less.

I would also again urge you to move your posts to the "Friends and Family" section, as you'll get more input there, I believe. Many there have dealt with or are currently dealing with situations like yours and can share their experience and strength with you. I posted the link in an earlier post on this thread.

Take care of yourself--do not take the situation lightly.

unhappi

I will do so, Thank you, just knowing that im not alone helps

DG0409

Drinking distorts reality. Especially if you do it a lot over a long period of time. It can make even the best of people delusional and insecure. I thought nasty things when I was drinking about other people that even I knew weren't real, but that didn't make them any less 'real' to me. I said crazy stuff to my bf that I never meant or really thought. The stuff your husband says drunk has no meaning. I'd say 95% of it he'd never think/say sober. Alcohol makes people crazy and you'll make yourself crazy if you try to make sense of it or think that the things he says drunk are actually real thoughts. They might be his drunk thoughts, but drunk thoughts aren't reality. People drink BECAUSE it artificially changes how they think and feel. They pull enough aspects from reality that it can trick you.

It's kind of like the alcoholic snaps a picture, photoshops the heck out of it, shows you the picture and tells you it's reality. Unless you're a photoshop expert, you might not realize it's been edited at all and you'll believe the alcoholic is presenting you with the truth. The alcoholic doesn't even realize they've photoshopped the picture... the alcohol takes care of that part for them. (Think of the stories of drunk people having sex with people they never would have sober... yep the alcohol photoshopped that ugly chick into a Miss America.)

It wasn't until after I sobered up recently that I've start to come to realize how many of the nasty things my alcoholic ex said to me never had anything to do with me but just him being drunk, delusional and so miserable that he needed to try to make me feel bad.

You didn't let him in the house because you were stupid. You let him in because you're a decent caring person and the normal decent thing to do is to let somebody use the restroom. Focus on your good qualities and don't call yourself stupid or anything else negative. You've already heard enough nasty things from him. He is manipulative and took advantage of your caring.

Do try to come up with a plan for next time. Would you consider calling the cops? Tell him you need to use the restroom, sneak a way and call. I know it is hard to open up and ask for help, but if you could talk to any of your neighbors and let them know what the situation is. Tell them if they hear screaming or see other evidence to believe you're in danger that they need to come help. It's important to get other people involved. And it generally only takes a few times. Once he learns that the cost of coming over to do this is the cops being called and him spending a night in jail... he'll likely decide there are other ways he'd rather spend his drinking nights.

My ex would threaten me and I was scared to ask for help because I was afraid he'd be worse. But once I got the courts involved, he wanted NOTHING to do with me. It was hard for me to open up and tell my friends and family because I was so embarrassed that I'd gotten into such a situation, but everyone was supportive of me. Talking to other people really helped me to see how things really were and get his twisted reality out of my head. It's easy to believe in those photoshopped pictures the alcoholic shares, but if you have somebody else point out how it was edited, you'll be able to see it, too and then it loses it's power.

unhappi

I have called the police before, a few months ago, when he tried to strangle me when he was drunk, they removed him from the house and arrested him for breach of the peace, it did make it worse because he resisted arrest and was forcibly removed now every time he drinks he throws it back in my face goading me screaming 'call the pigs' and saying awful things about me and seeing him being forcibly removed was awful, I hate violence and aggression.
I feel ashamed and embarassed by the violence and aggression, the insults and threats, people dont understand why i dont just leave. I feel ashamed that he isnt out of my life yet, that im a health care professional and should know better.
Its like ive been conditioned to accept the violence, the threats the stress as normal so when he dishes out more i take it.
I have found out where alanon meetings are in my area, and there are meetings on a tuesday evening, so ill attend next week. I am trying to take steps to heal myself and become stronger. I am planning to sell the house and move so he wont know where i am.
Just reading the responses and knowing that im not alone has helped me a lot.
THANK YOU EVERYONE