Womble76

So... things were going really well up until a month ago when my dad was hospitalised with a serious illness. He's out now but has been affected by memory problems and his personality has changed a little. It could have been worse but my family and I hurt over this. A situation at work imploded and while that's probably fixed now my concentration is shot and I feel like I'm floating along the top of my workload, at some point there'll be something I've missed and the problems will start. And today I've been let down by my best friend. She calls me every Sunday, email daily and we chat but increasingly it's about her job, which is fine, she has a lot on and is stressed. I've been asking her for a month to leave a comment on something I did on the internet, it's a new business for me and comments increase sales. I tell her how important it is to me, it takes two minutes and doesn't cost a thing. Today she said she didn't feel like it, she was too tired and had to log into work later. And she didn't ask after my father. I was not impressed.

I will admit that since my dad's illness my evening drinking has increased again to an unhealthy level and I'm back to day one but this has got me so angry and now I'm doubly angry I don't have anything to 'take the edge off'! She's been a good friend for fifteen years and this is the first time I've been angry with her, although I didn't say it at the time. Could someone lend me some perspective please?!

Anna

My perspective is that things change. Everything changes all the time. You are working on your recovery and so your needs at this time are different than they have been with your friend. Maybe she is not a friend who will carry on with you as you recover, I don't know. She has likely changed in 15 yrs and perhaps she has different needs in her life. I know for me, I had to look at all my relationships when I stopped drinking and I had to own my part in the difficulties that I had. Some people had to be removed from my life. Not all friendships are forever.

Right now, you need to focus on your recovery and care for your dad.

Mizzuno

It sounds like you are going through a mountain of stuff, and you need some understanding. With all of this going on its not any wonder that your emotions are on overdrive, and anger is coming to the forefront. I think that it may be beneficial to tell this friend that you need her right now. Let her know that she is valuable to your life, and that this small task of commenting on your work is very important.
I am sorry that your father is not himself, and I know how troubling this can be. Of course the drinking has increased, but this is not a healthy response to the situation. It is easier said then done, but I would recommend giving up the alcohol. It is not making anything better in your life, in fact the alcohol is probably adding more problems. We are here for you. (((HUGS))) to you and your family.

doggonecarl

Sorry about your dad; sorry about your struggle with sobriety.

If you want to redefine your entire 15-year friendship on a month's behavior, you can do so, and end your friendship. Or you can talk to your friend and assume that the strength of 15 years will carry you through this rough spot.

Maybe there is something going on in her life that is troubling her. You don't talk to her about your anger, maybe she's silent about her issues. And perhaps you are being a little hyper-sensitive. I'm not sure I would ask my friends to promote my business....that's what customers are for.

Regardless, it's day one. Focus on staying sober, not your anger, which will just derail you.

upandup

If it is of any comfort, my friends did not know how to be there for me when my mother was ill. I needed them and they weren't present. They had never gone through anything like that before and didn't know how to. Sometimes people just don't know. I had to tap different people for the support I needed. It can be uncomfortable at first and support can come from unexpected places, but it can provide you with what you need. Hang in there!

MIRecovery

If she is a longtime friend concentrate on what you can do for her not what she can do for you.

escapist

I have gone through periods in my life when I thought no one cares. I was wrong. I communicate alienation when I am living my drinking life.

If your friend thought that you felt she didnt care for you she would probably be confused.

When we drink sometimes our pain becomes greater than it would be if we were living sober.
It so ironic really , because so many of us drink to dull pain. Alcohol plays such cruel tricks on us.

Dee74

some great advice here Womble - I'd only add my experience that my perception of stuff was all of of whack when I was drinking.

Good to see you back

D