Am I making the right decision?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Am I making the right decision?
This morning my boyfriend left for his AA meeting, and has just recently hit 48 days sober. He is constantly telling me that I dont love him anymore, I dont give him enough attention, and I dont praise him for being sober. I have just started a new business. ( that he helped doing construction on, because he had lost his union job due to using drugs) So he was available to work on my shop since he had nowhere to be everyday, I never once told him he had to do it he offered since he had the time. During construction and our entire year long relationship he was using cocaine, Percocet 30mg, drinking, & staying out all night. The stress was so hard on me I lost our unborn chid. A couple months ago we went to Aruba thinking maybe I just needed a vacation from the new business and we could work on our relationship. The night before we fly out he gets intoxicated, drives to pick up percocet to take with him on our vacation, and gets pulled over and loses his license for 6 months. Mean while Im at home packing and hes sitting in jail high on pills and drunk. I felt so hurt and taken advantage of that I ws angry and yelling at him. Obviously this wasnt the first time his addiction had landed him in hot water. We still went to Aruba the next day because I needed it and thought it would help us get back to "us". We had a great vacation, but I have lost a lot of that intimate feeling eith him.
Now that the shop is completed and Im doing well Im so focused on it because its my lively hood and I have lots to do to get it up and running smoothly. He is 48 days sober and tells me daily that I dont give him enough love and affection and Im not the girl I use to be. I feel sad and awful that Im making him feel that way, but Im also still angry that I had to put up with all of his behavior for the past year. Im having trouble with resentment, and I feel like now that hes sober, working out, going to meetings Im left behind broken
Now that the shop is completed and Im doing well Im so focused on it because its my lively hood and I have lots to do to get it up and running smoothly. He is 48 days sober and tells me daily that I dont give him enough love and affection and Im not the girl I use to be. I feel sad and awful that Im making him feel that way, but Im also still angry that I had to put up with all of his behavior for the past year. Im having trouble with resentment, and I feel like now that hes sober, working out, going to meetings Im left behind broken
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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No one can really make us "feel" anything. You are not making him feel unloved. Just as he can't make you feel broken.
Someone told me something like that many many years ago. I simply said "BS" because that's what I thought.
After doing lots of work on myself, I realize how very true that is. We often place our emotional state in the hands of other people......sometimes even total strangers.
Dealing with addiction (as the addict and as those who love them) is difficult at best. You mention that he is going to meetings and has 46 days sober (that's GREAT) but you don't mention if you are doing anything for yourself (such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or personal couseling). I have found that loving an addict was something that was so much bigger than I was able to handle alone.
Someone also told me that I should "work the program I want to see him work". I also thought that was "BS" at the time. But eventually, that's exactly what I did. I did it initially to "help" him. I stuck with it to help ME.
Addiction (and codependence) can cause some pretty unhealthy behaviors and patterns to develop. When both parties are working (separately primarily and together as well) on their own issues, any relationship has a better chance of surviving. One person working and the other person not? Less chance. No one working on their own issues? Not much chance.
I'm sorry you are both hurting. Addiction takes a toll on everyone around it.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Someone told me something like that many many years ago. I simply said "BS" because that's what I thought.
After doing lots of work on myself, I realize how very true that is. We often place our emotional state in the hands of other people......sometimes even total strangers.
Dealing with addiction (as the addict and as those who love them) is difficult at best. You mention that he is going to meetings and has 46 days sober (that's GREAT) but you don't mention if you are doing anything for yourself (such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or personal couseling). I have found that loving an addict was something that was so much bigger than I was able to handle alone.
Someone also told me that I should "work the program I want to see him work". I also thought that was "BS" at the time. But eventually, that's exactly what I did. I did it initially to "help" him. I stuck with it to help ME.
Addiction (and codependence) can cause some pretty unhealthy behaviors and patterns to develop. When both parties are working (separately primarily and together as well) on their own issues, any relationship has a better chance of surviving. One person working and the other person not? Less chance. No one working on their own issues? Not much chance.
I'm sorry you are both hurting. Addiction takes a toll on everyone around it.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
He is VERY early in recovery, and while he may be "clean", it will be a long time before he consistently behaves in a "sober" manner. (Sober people don't whine about being unloved, or worry about other people's behavior, for example).
So, as Kindeyes said, now is the perfect time for you to worry about YOU. You developed ways of reacting to and thinking about him and his behavior during the time he was using that may serve to increase your "dis-ease." Re-learning behaviors and thought patterns is not easy, but it's the best way for you to achieve serenity. AlAnon has been very helpful to me on my journey - I live my life on a more "even keel"these days, no longer finding myself wrapped up in chaos caused by other people.
So, as Kindeyes said, now is the perfect time for you to worry about YOU. You developed ways of reacting to and thinking about him and his behavior during the time he was using that may serve to increase your "dis-ease." Re-learning behaviors and thought patterns is not easy, but it's the best way for you to achieve serenity. AlAnon has been very helpful to me on my journey - I live my life on a more "even keel"these days, no longer finding myself wrapped up in chaos caused by other people.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Congratulations on your new shop! I own a shop in our downtown area & I know the work involved in start up. So happy for you! My work helped me so much when my husband was in active addiction. He has been clean now just over a year. There were many past issues that we had to deal with when he found recovery. Basically it just takes time. What helped us the most was just really trying to be open, honest, and keep communication open. We did marriage counseling and it was a big help; something to consider possibly for the both of you. I also did some private therapy for a while and this helped me get clarity on my feelings too.
Also just wondering if some of this might have happened even without addiction involved. If you are like me, the new business is exciting, time consuming, and there's a period of time where it consumes all. My husband helped a lot especially in the beginning, but I also think he felt a little left out. It was mine, I had employees, suppliers, things I had to do, and sometimes our plans together fell apart due to this. Sometimes all that can be hard on a relationship, especially to male partners I think.
I pulled a few things out of your post. The loss of your unborn baby. I'm am sorry you have had to experience this. This on it's own this could be a huge trauma for you. Then add in the stress he put you through while using... It's hard not to have feelings change in some ways. I think our partners do feel it when we distance from them emotionally, even if its just a bit. And then the focus on work and inevitable time away from home... I think your boyfriend is probably trying to be honest about his feelings. Im not reading from your post that he thinks you are responsible for his overall emotional health in the grand scheme of things, it sounds more like he is just expressing what he feels happening in the scope of the relationship. He misses you. He is early in recovery and going through a lot of changes, and maybe just now he sees some of the pain he caused. For my husband that was an emotional time.
Here is a question for you, and don’t feel obligated to answer it on here. I only ask because if you think about it, maybe it will show if there is really equal support going on in the relationship. Your post said he would like to hear more affirmations from you on his recovery; more acknowledgement that he is doing good, and your proud of him. In regards to the work your putting into your business, does he acknowledge your efforts, tell you how proud he is of your dedication, etc ?
Personally it sounds like you are pretty well balanced with the things in your life right now. But you need to allow yourself time to heal from all you have been through. You have a right to your feelings. 48 days is not a long time to regain trust, sort through past feelings, or to even believe all of that is behind you both. I think just give it time, work on communication, and let things settle to a new normal, and see where it falls out.
Also just wondering if some of this might have happened even without addiction involved. If you are like me, the new business is exciting, time consuming, and there's a period of time where it consumes all. My husband helped a lot especially in the beginning, but I also think he felt a little left out. It was mine, I had employees, suppliers, things I had to do, and sometimes our plans together fell apart due to this. Sometimes all that can be hard on a relationship, especially to male partners I think.
I pulled a few things out of your post. The loss of your unborn baby. I'm am sorry you have had to experience this. This on it's own this could be a huge trauma for you. Then add in the stress he put you through while using... It's hard not to have feelings change in some ways. I think our partners do feel it when we distance from them emotionally, even if its just a bit. And then the focus on work and inevitable time away from home... I think your boyfriend is probably trying to be honest about his feelings. Im not reading from your post that he thinks you are responsible for his overall emotional health in the grand scheme of things, it sounds more like he is just expressing what he feels happening in the scope of the relationship. He misses you. He is early in recovery and going through a lot of changes, and maybe just now he sees some of the pain he caused. For my husband that was an emotional time.
Here is a question for you, and don’t feel obligated to answer it on here. I only ask because if you think about it, maybe it will show if there is really equal support going on in the relationship. Your post said he would like to hear more affirmations from you on his recovery; more acknowledgement that he is doing good, and your proud of him. In regards to the work your putting into your business, does he acknowledge your efforts, tell you how proud he is of your dedication, etc ?
Personally it sounds like you are pretty well balanced with the things in your life right now. But you need to allow yourself time to heal from all you have been through. You have a right to your feelings. 48 days is not a long time to regain trust, sort through past feelings, or to even believe all of that is behind you both. I think just give it time, work on communication, and let things settle to a new normal, and see where it falls out.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Hi, thank you so much for all the insight. He never blames me for his addiction or his awful behavior that stemmed from it. He has just last week told me that he was proud of me. And it felt great, since my shop is in the very beginning stage is is very exhausting, and I feel daily pressure to work hard to make it so I can spend more time with him. This past November he lost a very good Union electrician job because he tested positive for drugs I had no Idea about. I felt betrayed. So thats when he helped me with construction for my business, he still has no job and does go to out patient therapy, AA, and did an intensive in patient program, the hardest thing is that I want to believe he wants this for himself and not just for his job, or the fact that he got a DUI 48 days ago. He is always doing nice things for and I love him. I also see a psychiatrist to talk to someone. Everyday I have to listen to him say that Im not the girl I use to be, and Im not intimate with him as much as I should be. I feel like im not attracted to the things he has put me through and its the main reason why I cant let it go, or just forget about it and move forward. I want to be intimate but my body just isnt there yet. Also since he doesn't work he gets to wake up everyday and go to the gym, tanning, lunch with friends etc, while I slave at work all day, then he goes to meeting 3-4 days a week. I think if he had some responsibility daily ( like a job) he wouldnt feel so lonely. He always says how he doesnt need to work right now because he has thousands of dollars saved. The money came from selling drugs behind my back when I found out he said he would stop and was on and off doing it. His 48 day sobriety is so new that its hard for me to tell what is genuine and what isnt. The lying went on for so long, along with the nights he didnt come home because once he starts he just keeps going. I just dont want to constantly feel like he should be punished, its been so hard for me to get over it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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I also feel like maybe Im upset with myself, I havent made the effort to get back to the gym, or do things just for me. I always feel guilty for wanting to work on my business and just do me. I dont want to be a person who is constantly aggrevated at the past.
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