BrokenBottles

I've been lurking around these forums for a few weeks and I finally signed up.

I'm 34 years old and I started drinking when I was 16. I've always binged on alcohol, but I'm growing concerned as my tolerance as skyrocketed in recent years. Lately it feels like I just can't drink enough. I don't drink every day or even every week, but when I do I really go strong. I don't have a physical addiction, but I know it's becoming a serious problem.

The past couple of times I have drunk I have had really bad heart palpitations the following day. Sometimes I feel like I have heart problems even if I haven't had a drink in a while. I'll check it out with my doctor, I promise.

I was quite successful with moderation for a long time while I was trying to lose weight. My alcohol tolerance dropped, too -- I would get comfortably tipsy at two pints of beer and DRUNK on three. I would do this two or three times a month and it was fine. I don't think I can do that again, though.

I drank an entire bottle of rum yesterday and I wasn't even terribly drunk. I went out drinking with friends last week, and after we parted ways I got more alcohol because I hadn't had enough.

I know why I do it -- it's all anxiety related. I'm constantly stressed out and the only time I feel relaxed is when I'm drinking. I'm in therapy for PTSD and other problems but I'm afraid to talk to my therapist about my drinking (for reasons that are very, very complicated). She never asks about it because I told her when I started seeing her that I didn't drink much, and at the time it was true. The past five months or so have been bad.

I hope to replace the urge to drink with exercise.

I went through all of last November without alcohol just to see if I could, and I did it! I don't feel like talking to people in my day-to-day life about this, so perhaps it will help to find people who have the same issues. The idea of going for the rest of my life without alcohol sounds terrible to me right now.

I'm also uncomfortable with the idea of AA and don't plan to attend meetings. I may change my mind, but currently it's not part of my plan.

Anyway, I wanted to say hello and I look forward to interacting with you.

SoberForMySon

You've come to the right place! Check out the class of June for those quitting in June! On this forum. It's good you've recognized you're having a problem and want to get better. I don't do AA either, but I am open to the thought. For now I am using this website.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR, BB.

And what is your plan?

Dee74

Welcome to SR BrokenBottles

Carl asks a good question I think - do you have a plan beyond exercising?

I'd think about your life, how much alcohol figures in it, and the changes you'll need to make to make this stick too?

D

Hope4Life

Welcome to SR.

You are very young and still have a long life ahead of you. The behavior that you have described sounds very destructive, please be careful. One thing I can say is that the life of a non drinker is MUCH better than the life of a drunk. I can say this because I know.... I got drunk every day for 35+ years before giving it up. I only wish I had considered stopping when I was your age but, unfortunately, I kept drinking for another 20 years!

I would be honest with your therapist so she can help you. Hiding your problem from her will only complicate your situation and prolong the problems you are seeing her for.

Good Luck to you.

bigsombrero

Hi and welcome!

I used to say that I didn't care for escargot, but I'd never actually had it. But it's pretty damn good, escargot, if you eat it at the right restaurant with warm bread and garlic sauce.

To be honest I'm not much for AA myself, but it set me up with some pretty handy tools to use during my early days. I'm closing in on 11 months sober and without treatment and AA I'm not sure I would have gotten this far. Of course, there are TONS of other options out there too - you can mix and match, as there are no rules! Just stay sober. I hope you have some kind of support system and plan to educate yourself more - it sounds like you are, and this is a good place to start!

Congrats on joining the forum and welcome.

Hevyn

Welcome BrokenBottles!

When I was 34 I thought living without alcohol sounded awful too. So I didn't. In my heart I knew I was headed for danger, but I kept on drinking into my 50's. The pain and humiliation I caused myself were terrible. I was completely dependent on it by the time I quit. I'm really glad you're taking a hard look at what it's doing to your life. We're glad you joined us - I hope you'll find the support you're looking for as you decide what's best for you.

IWillWin

Welcome BrokenBottles! Sounds like alcohol is causing issues in your life and you would like to change that - good for you! You have come to the right place.

I'm 9 months of living sober after some attempts for about a year before it stuck. I was a pretty much daily drinker at the end and the detox was unpleasant, but I did it. And I am still doing it despite some bumps in the road that life decided to throw at me.

I was about your age when I began abusing alcohol. I packed a heck of a drinking career into about 5 years. I tried to stop and did for periods of a few months here and there for a year and then, when I turned 40, I quit for good. Frankly, it was the scariest thing I've ever done but turns out I'm stronger than I thought. So are you...you can do this!!!

Sober life comes with many blessings. It is not all roses and smiles but it is WAY BETTER than all the crap that comes along with drinking.

I wish you the best in your journey - fill your toolbox with things that will help you stay sober and hang on no matter what. You are worth it

Bruce292

Me too. Job stress, life stress, meeting other humans stress, and every little thing that's stuck in my head.

George Harrison wrote a wonderful lyric that hits home with me:

Every word you've uttered and every thought you've had Is all inside your file the good and the bad

My brain has a constant dialogue repeating every little bad thing that was said to me and done to me since I can remember. I drank and used drugs to quiet those thoughts. However, in using alcohol and drugs the euphoria became a reward for those thoughts thus reinforcing them and making them even louder. This, to say the least, was stressful ... and cumulative.

Now that I'm sober (or have been for a bit) I'm starting deal with these thoughts in a rational way and I'm no longer reinforcing them.

That was probably obtuse. I hope not. Thank you for posting.

zeroptzero

Bruce - I really like the way you articulated that about the reward reinforcing the thoughts. That is a great way of putting it.
In my experience, I thought alcohol was the cure for my stress. Only in sobriety (and in educating myself) did I learn that it was making it worse. After many years of drinking I became convinced that I was anxious and depressed. Never being honest with any doctor or counselor, I soon ended up on Xanax, and later Ambien. The cycle only continued and worsened.
Broken- I am sure your PTSD and other issues are very real. I do truly believe that drinking will make those problems worse while providing the illusion that it is helping. I respectfully suggest that not being forthcoming with a therapist about an issue is self-sabotage.
In the beginning for me the thought of never drinking again was too overwhelming and depressing. Don't think about that. Just don't drink today.

helenwulfgar

Broken, I can't add much more to everyone else. However- I would urge you to get the heart checked out. I started having heart palpitations after drinking about 3 years ago. I didn't do anything about it for another year. When I did, I learned my blood pressure was consistently at pre-stroke level...for who knows how long? Even putting me on meds, I refused to stop drinking and my blood pressure remains dangerously high to this day (although I've only been off alcohol for about 9 days now). One of my best friends died of a heart attack last January after decades of heavily drinking and another friend had multiple heart surgeries last year due to alcoholism. Not trying to scare you and listening to everyone else, I think we might have been in the minority- but it is something I'd urge you to take seriously.

BrokenBottles

Part of what brought me here was a recent visit from a high school friend. During our visit I found out that a guy we knew in high school died a couple of years ago from the effects of alcoholism. He had been sober for a year or something and then he had a relapse and his heart gave out. Eek! He was only 32.

As far as my "plan", I'm not really sure what kind of an answer people are expecting. My worst problem comes if I drink alone because oddly enough, most of my friends hardly drink at all. I'm the biggest problem. Frankly, I don't have much of a social life anyway. I'm very active in an arts group and all of the excursions are sober activities because lots of people in the group are addicts.

So, really, I just have to get comfortable by myself and learn to work through my self-loathing and anxiety.

I am very reluctant to explain this to my therapist for reasons that are far too elaborate to detail here. One small part of it is this: I'm very poor after some physical/mental illnesses (I'm sure no one will believe me, but alcohol was not a factor -- it didn't help, but it was not the cause of my problems). I see a therapist at a poor-people clinic that specializes in methadone treatment (I've never been on methadone, this is just the clinic I got assigned to). Well, I went to a psychiatrist there, and I told her I was drinking ten alcoholic beverages a week (which was actually true!). She FREAKED OUT and wanted to put me in an in-patient detox facility. I found that very off-putting and never mentioned alcohol again. That's not my regular therapist but that seems to be the attitude of the clinic.

There is another complicated issue that I'm worried about mentioning because I think people might get on my case about it.

Anyway, I'm working on myself I just think having official documentation is a problem.

Thanks for all the replies!

helenwulfgar

Only you can figure out what's best for yourself, and thank you for posting. Seems like you have a lot to work through- and if posting helps, we're glad to listen.
One thing I've learned in life- doctors who aren't skilled in your problems won't always help. We don't have doctors here- but they rotate in every once in a while. I honestly told one how much I drank- between 35-45 beers a week. He didn't see that as an issue, telling me that was normal from what he was hearing from people in my town (really????). I might be an alcoholic, but I'm not stupid when it comes to how much I'm drinking. Of course, I took his words to defend my drinking a bit more. The first time I knew about my blood pressure, it was just a computer technician who saw the numbers on my chart and told me "wow, you're about to have a stroke". The doctor came in and didn't even mention it. When I pressed her, she finally said "oh, looks like 160/110...might be vertigo".
So yes, when your options are limited, it's a pain. Talking through things helps, though. I'd encourage you to stick with it.

oak

Welcome! I hope you find what you need here. Keep posting.

In case you have any interest, there are other recovery groups like SMART Recovery, LifeRing, & Women for Sobriety (or Rational Recovery which does not have groups). But lots of people stop drinking without a group or set program.

Maybe you could tell your therapist a small part of the problem and see if he/she over-reacts. That would suck not to feel comfortable talking about something that concerns you a lot.

I hope the PTSD is improving. I have lots of trauma in my history, and I get that it makes quitting alcohol difficult. It seems like a catch-22, because unresolved trauma is a huge trigger to drink, and yet alcohol makes resolving the trauma difficult (at least for me). Quitting is possible. One of my motivations for staying sober is that I just stop wanting to work through past trauma once I start drinking again; alcohol becomes my focus rather than healing.

I wish you the best! I hope you find what works for you.

Nighthawk8820

For starters, dont walk into this with shame or try and hide the facts, especially from someone who is licensed in an area you can benefit from. There is no shame in being an alcoholic, only shame in staying one when you know you deserve better or letting your fear of the unknown keep you a prisoner to the booze. I too thought going my whole life with no booze was simply unimaginable, but that changes as you get more and more into sobriety and see the vast positive changes. The differences are night and day, and the urge to drink just falls away as you grow into a confident, new person. Dont say "Ill never drink again", say " I choose not to drink TODAY". All you have is today after all, so there is no sense in thinking about forever. Today you can change and today you can plant seeds that will grow into something amazing down the road. It sounds odd, but you sound a LOT like me, so trust what I say and see what happens.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...life-back.html


One more thing. Im a very anxious person with a hyper sensitive system. I was told I had a mild form of PTSD. My anxiety was paralyzing, and I couldnt even go into stores by myself. Alcohol may seem like it helps, but no no.........it magnifies you anxiety, especially the day after you drink. You get nothing for free in the chemical world. Temporary bliss and relaxation will come to collect on you every time, making every anxiety symptom you have 100 times worse. Once you remove the alcohol, your anxiety will lessen DRAMATICALLY. Of course, when in withdrawal it will scream and rage as your addiction attempts to trick you into drinking again, but each day you dont drink, you will get better. Your brain and nervous system will begin to heal and thus, the anxiety will fade. I still get bouts of it, but its nothing I cant handle........not like before when I was hungover and thought I was going insane, dying, or both. If you continue to drink, the cycle will repeat itself over and over again. Only you can break the pattern!!!

least

It is possible to get and stay sober without any formal 'program'. You've got to want it badly enough tho.


I'm glad you joined the family!

Nighthawk8820

Yup, I agree! It actually really annoys me when AA die hards tell addicts looking to kick the habit that the 12 steps and the "Big Book" are the ONLY way to do it. I think it only furthers addicts feelings of alienation and loneliness, which never helps. It also deters many addicts from even trying to kick their habits on their own or with their own spiritual path when they hear they have only one option. Some people are not social and the idea of going into a room and sharing your horrible story to a group of strangers is horrifying enough to keep them drinking. they hear there is only one way, and the fear of it keeps them alone and using. True, the cases of individuals kicking their addictions alone are very few. I prayed and prayed, and then researched my addiction from every possible angle. I thirsted for knowledge. In a way, I think the horrible fear and anxiety I felt when hungover or in withdrawal drove me away from alcohol, and I think god planned it this way. If I never had those horrible panic attacks, I may have never had the strength to get sober alone. As is, it happened to work in my case. 2 years and never felt better. AA may work for some, and like I said, we all have our own journey. There is NO right way, just your way. Its trial and error, but always learn from each attempt.

Nighthawk8820

I got like that at the end of my drinking. Sure I went out and hit the bars, but I LOVED coming home and drinking as much as I wanted with no one to judge. I would say up ALL night smoking and drinking, writing embarrassing things on Facebook, or ordering things online I couldnt afford (Example: Stripper pole). I wouldn't even remember ordering them until they came in the mail, so it was like a little surprise gift, lol. I dont miss it at all though, what a horrible way to live. I was in a prison I build myself.

BrokenBottles

WE ARE TWINS. This is what I have been doing recently. Then I stay up drinking and posting dumb things online and making random purchases. I had an online friend who did the same thing and she is now sober. She bought weird stuff like fireman calendars and monkey dolls.

I appreciate and agree with what you said about anxiety. I haven't been able to hold a regular job in four years (between three serious illnesses and a huge mental breakdown and being homeless and having other assorted problems). I'd like to work again but I feel like my brain "broke" and hasn't been fixed yet. So, hopefully this will help with that. I am/was a writer and most of the writing I've done in the past few years has been done alone with a drink next to me. My anxiety prevents me from doing anything but sitting in a frozen state, so it's difficult to write. I'm not technically homeless anymore, but I don't have a stable place to live. I've lost most of my friends and I don't have any family.

As far as AA, I've always been kind of a loner and I don't do well in "clubs" or "groups" and I think it would make me uncomfortable. I might try it.

I'm also scared of running into people I know, which is completely silly of course.

Alcohol is one helluva drug.

doggonecarl

By plan we mean "recovery plan." The things you are going implement to ensure you don't relapse. Yes, exercise is great component to healthy living, but it's not, in itself, sufficient as a recovery tool.

So as you think about your plan, ask yourself:

1. What kind of support do I need, and how am I going to use it?
   
2. Do I fully understand alcohol, alcoholism, addiction and recovery from addiction? Where and how am I going to learn about it?
   
3. What am I going to do about situations that are alcohol related?
   
4. What am I going to do about situations that make me want to drink?
   
5. What will I do when I get the overwhelming urge to drink?
6. Should I tell anyone I'm quitting? Will secrecy about my problem impact my sobriety?
   
7. Will a substance abuse program or support group aid in my recovery? Will resistance to said program derail my recovery?
   

Address these and you have a plan. Is the idea of a "plan" any clearer?