losing it. im not interested in this craziness anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
losing it. im not interested in this craziness anymore
ugghhh....
I hate when I find out little lies or things that my "recovering" addict alcoholic husband does. always has to do with money and something that he did with it. like i gave my daughter 100 dollars to go next door with to give to my inlaws for rent. i watched her walk over there, while my husband was next to me doing something before he could walk over.
well come to find out today, my mother inlaw was only handed 80. and when HE handed her the 80,he asked her to borrow 10....
or the trip to Great Adventure. I took 100 dollars for that trip and gave it to my daughter so she would be able to enjoy the day, i couldnt really afford it but expected at least 20 back.
BUT I didnt know that my husband asked for 50 from his dad "for the trip"
theres no way 150 dollars was spent, and its just very shady about this money . these are the only things I KNOW about. who knows what else.
So I immediately think hes using.
He admitted he did those things with the money, taking it,etc,
but he says he isnt using. well I dont know if this is the right thing to do but I AM SO TIRED OF HIM BLOWING SMOKE UP EVERYONES ASS. these rehab programs and probation, I think their tests suck. I think he should get a blood test.
this isnt minding my own business? I think that it is my business because its affecting the household money that I bring into the house.
and i think i need to set a boundary about it. I refuse to have the smoke blown up my ass again, and Im wondering what anyone will tell me on this matter. should I ask his probation officer to blood test him? he willllll face jail time. if he has a dirty test, but Im tired of being so paranoid about what hes really doing when he leaves the house,. is he really going to a meeting why isnt he answering his phone, he should be back by now blah blah blah, sick of it.
sick of thinking that way. and sick of hiding my friggin pocket book so he doesnt take money or my bank card. he hasnt since rehab but i hide it so good that it takes me time to find it sometimes. seriously. pisses me off.
yes i do alanon. havent been to a meeting in 2 weeks. sure need one. i just dont think hes ever gonna change. they have him down to three days a week at his rehab instead of 5 but he relapsed and they dont even know it., he says it was pills i dont know dont believe him and dont care. dont believe a word
I hate when I find out little lies or things that my "recovering" addict alcoholic husband does. always has to do with money and something that he did with it. like i gave my daughter 100 dollars to go next door with to give to my inlaws for rent. i watched her walk over there, while my husband was next to me doing something before he could walk over.
well come to find out today, my mother inlaw was only handed 80. and when HE handed her the 80,he asked her to borrow 10....
or the trip to Great Adventure. I took 100 dollars for that trip and gave it to my daughter so she would be able to enjoy the day, i couldnt really afford it but expected at least 20 back.
BUT I didnt know that my husband asked for 50 from his dad "for the trip"
theres no way 150 dollars was spent, and its just very shady about this money . these are the only things I KNOW about. who knows what else.
So I immediately think hes using.
He admitted he did those things with the money, taking it,etc,
but he says he isnt using. well I dont know if this is the right thing to do but I AM SO TIRED OF HIM BLOWING SMOKE UP EVERYONES ASS. these rehab programs and probation, I think their tests suck. I think he should get a blood test.
this isnt minding my own business? I think that it is my business because its affecting the household money that I bring into the house.
and i think i need to set a boundary about it. I refuse to have the smoke blown up my ass again, and Im wondering what anyone will tell me on this matter. should I ask his probation officer to blood test him? he willllll face jail time. if he has a dirty test, but Im tired of being so paranoid about what hes really doing when he leaves the house,. is he really going to a meeting why isnt he answering his phone, he should be back by now blah blah blah, sick of it.
sick of thinking that way. and sick of hiding my friggin pocket book so he doesnt take money or my bank card. he hasnt since rehab but i hide it so good that it takes me time to find it sometimes. seriously. pisses me off.
yes i do alanon. havent been to a meeting in 2 weeks. sure need one. i just dont think hes ever gonna change. they have him down to three days a week at his rehab instead of 5 but he relapsed and they dont even know it., he says it was pills i dont know dont believe him and dont care. dont believe a word
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
and yes i am still on step one. admitting im powerless over it. i know i cant do anything to control what he does.
i just dont like feeling this way. i used to feel this way a while back. i would go looking for him. at least i dont do that, but still. dont want to feel like this. i was doing so well and now im ten steps back.
even when im pissed i know im moving backwards and i just cant help it.
i just dont like feeling this way. i used to feel this way a while back. i would go looking for him. at least i dont do that, but still. dont want to feel like this. i was doing so well and now im ten steps back.
even when im pissed i know im moving backwards and i just cant help it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Step One.......admitting I was powerless over the addict and that MY life had become unmanageable.......was a doozy.
Trying to keep track of everything the addict is doing is exhausting.....and we have no time to concentrate on ourselves when we're chasing down their shenanigans.
Keep work those Steps....it does help and it is possible to find serenity whether the addict continues to use or not.
Take care of you!!
gentle hugs
ke
Trying to keep track of everything the addict is doing is exhausting.....and we have no time to concentrate on ourselves when we're chasing down their shenanigans.
Keep work those Steps....it does help and it is possible to find serenity whether the addict continues to use or not.
Take care of you!!
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
yes, just have to keep telling myself that! its 2 am and i woke up to him not here,...
come to find out he is supposedly out picking up a couple from AA who fell off the wagon, being a designated driver.
i know he is with them since the wife got on the phone thanking me for him being there to pick him up....
this is ANOTHER feeling I dont like feeling. waking up in the middle of the night and him not being here.
i dont care why he isnt here. im just fed up. with losing sleep and wondering what hes doing. looking for my pocket book making suree everythings there.
I know I need to take care of MYSELF everyday everrryminute. I haveent read my alanon books for two days andd I have been communicating with my HP but not as much as I usually do.
I CANT WAIT TO GET TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY!!!!
as I sit here Im watching a rerun of the news, and my problems are FAR less serious compared to the people in OKlahoma arkansas and missouri
sso sad... a mother and child found dead in the car off the highway, and sure there are many more heartbreaking stories to come
Thank You God for allowing me to be alive, and my children to be alive.
I have to realize life is too short to NOT be happy and take advantage of the good and not dwell on the bad.
come to find out he is supposedly out picking up a couple from AA who fell off the wagon, being a designated driver.
i know he is with them since the wife got on the phone thanking me for him being there to pick him up....
this is ANOTHER feeling I dont like feeling. waking up in the middle of the night and him not being here.
i dont care why he isnt here. im just fed up. with losing sleep and wondering what hes doing. looking for my pocket book making suree everythings there.
I know I need to take care of MYSELF everyday everrryminute. I haveent read my alanon books for two days andd I have been communicating with my HP but not as much as I usually do.
I CANT WAIT TO GET TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY!!!!
as I sit here Im watching a rerun of the news, and my problems are FAR less serious compared to the people in OKlahoma arkansas and missouri
sso sad... a mother and child found dead in the car off the highway, and sure there are many more heartbreaking stories to come
Thank You God for allowing me to be alive, and my children to be alive.
I have to realize life is too short to NOT be happy and take advantage of the good and not dwell on the bad.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Sometimes we get caught up in the fact that the Steps are presented in an ascending, linear, numeric form (1, then 2, then 3, etc.), and we tend to visualize them organized in a staircase (start on Step 1, when done with that Step, move up to the next, repeat). But I've found that it's not so linear -- at least with me. There is a going forwards and backwards, up and down, in and out, all the time in recovery. It's not something that we can measure quantitively...
You said that you're no longer going out and looking for him (and I did that, too, with my companion) and that's a VERY big change. It means that you've started the process of letting go of the need to control. Whenever I was out searching for my partner, I said to myself and others that I was trying to get him off the streets, keep him safe, protect him, etc., etc. But I was kidding myself: it was all about control, and my inability to live peacefully with uncertainty.
Getting to the point to where I could say that to myself and not feel weak, or guilty, or whatever, took a long time and a lot of "synthesis" of the Steps... At this point, I think I would describe the Steps more like a web rather than a linear process – everything is connected and a change to one part of the web affects all other parts.
You said that you're no longer going out and looking for him (and I did that, too, with my companion) and that's a VERY big change. It means that you've started the process of letting go of the need to control. Whenever I was out searching for my partner, I said to myself and others that I was trying to get him off the streets, keep him safe, protect him, etc., etc. But I was kidding myself: it was all about control, and my inability to live peacefully with uncertainty.
Getting to the point to where I could say that to myself and not feel weak, or guilty, or whatever, took a long time and a lot of "synthesis" of the Steps... At this point, I think I would describe the Steps more like a web rather than a linear process – everything is connected and a change to one part of the web affects all other parts.
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