Cant find peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Tucson, Az
Posts: 1
Cant find peace
I have had 49 days sober today, after numerous attempts at staying sober my danger zone is always at 90 days. That is when I relaspe and hate myself over and over again. This time around after 30 days of meetings and finding a sponser and really working the program I decided to do 90 meetings in 90 days I am on my 16th day of this commitment.
My problem is that I feel so sad at all the damage I did when I was drinking. I have 2 children,a daughter at 31 yrs and a son at 34 years and 4 grandkids. I have been married for 34 years. I have hurt my daughter and my husband more than anyone. Even though I tell myself I am a very good person I feel so guilty and so sad when I think of the things I did and said when I was drinking. I live with this guilt and I cant shake it. I do have a higher power that I have begged to relieve me of this guilt. My husband has forgiven me and he still loves me after the mess I became. My daughter is still in my life and even though she pulled away for awhile. I want her forgivness more than anything but I feel it is too soon to ask her. I dont have any desire to drink but I cannot find peace yet. Can someone please help me.
Sober58
My problem is that I feel so sad at all the damage I did when I was drinking. I have 2 children,a daughter at 31 yrs and a son at 34 years and 4 grandkids. I have been married for 34 years. I have hurt my daughter and my husband more than anyone. Even though I tell myself I am a very good person I feel so guilty and so sad when I think of the things I did and said when I was drinking. I live with this guilt and I cant shake it. I do have a higher power that I have begged to relieve me of this guilt. My husband has forgiven me and he still loves me after the mess I became. My daughter is still in my life and even though she pulled away for awhile. I want her forgivness more than anything but I feel it is too soon to ask her. I dont have any desire to drink but I cannot find peace yet. Can someone please help me.
Sober58
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
welcome to SR 
I think it takes time Sober - we have to heal, and so do our loved ones and our relationships.
We can;t do much about anything that happened yesterday - but we can do a lot about what happens today.
Have faith and keep doing what you know is right.
I really do believe it all works out in the end
D
I think it takes time Sober - we have to heal, and so do our loved ones and our relationships.
We can;t do much about anything that happened yesterday - but we can do a lot about what happens today.
Have faith and keep doing what you know is right.
I really do believe it all works out in the end
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
and congrats on your sober time. Regaining your daughter's trust will take time but with action on your part it should happen. Show her that you've changed and she'll notice it for herself. It will take time but be patient, it will happen. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Sober58 
I have had 49 days sober today, after numerous attempts at staying sober my danger zone is always at 90 days. That is when I relaspe and hate myself over and over again. This time around after 30 days of meetings and finding a sponser and really working the program I decided to do 90 meetings in 90 days I am on my 16th day of this commitment.
My problem is that I feel so sad at all the damage I did when I was drinking. I have 2 children,a daughter at 31 yrs and a son at 34 years and 4 grandkids. I have been married for 34 years. I have hurt my daughter and my husband more than anyone. Even though I tell myself I am a very good person I feel so guilty and so sad when I think of the things I did and said when I was drinking. I live with this guilt and I cant shake it. I do have a higher power that I have begged to relieve me of this guilt. My husband has forgiven me and he still loves me after the mess I became. My daughter is still in my life and even though she pulled away for awhile. I want her forgivness more than anything but I feel it is too soon to ask her. I dont have any desire to drink but I cannot find peace yet. Can someone please help me.
Sober58
My problem is that I feel so sad at all the damage I did when I was drinking. I have 2 children,a daughter at 31 yrs and a son at 34 years and 4 grandkids. I have been married for 34 years. I have hurt my daughter and my husband more than anyone. Even though I tell myself I am a very good person I feel so guilty and so sad when I think of the things I did and said when I was drinking. I live with this guilt and I cant shake it. I do have a higher power that I have begged to relieve me of this guilt. My husband has forgiven me and he still loves me after the mess I became. My daughter is still in my life and even though she pulled away for awhile. I want her forgivness more than anything but I feel it is too soon to ask her. I dont have any desire to drink but I cannot find peace yet. Can someone please help me.
Sober58
The 9th Step Promises will come true for you as they have for millions of AAs.
All the best.
Bob R
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
AA give me all that you are asking for plus more than I could imagine. The fellowship saved my life my marriage and my relationship with loved ones. it did not happen in a day or a week or even a year but it did happen. I learned a new way to live and the promises followed. It worked when all else failed.
It has worked for millions and can work for you too if you want it bad enough
It has worked for millions and can work for you too if you want it bad enough
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
All of the suggestions of the fellowship are great, they really are, but when the rubber meets the road they will not keep you from not drinking, they will only provide incentive to not drink. If you are truly powerless over your drinking and using and whatever else makes your life unmanageable, then only by finding power will you be able to not drink in spite of yourself, even if you want to.
It says in the 12 and 12, in step 3, that "This is the way to a faith which works".
My defense against drinking and using does not come from me, from the program, from the 12 steps, from my service, from my knowledge, from my horrible experiences or from anything else in this world. It come from that power I surrendered to in step 3 and continue to do in step 11.
From my experience, having relapsed several times because I was trying to run the show, I can only say work the steps. Come to believe that something can provide that defense and ask that something to provide that defense.
It says in the 12 and 12, in step 3, that "This is the way to a faith which works".
My defense against drinking and using does not come from me, from the program, from the 12 steps, from my service, from my knowledge, from my horrible experiences or from anything else in this world. It come from that power I surrendered to in step 3 and continue to do in step 11.
From my experience, having relapsed several times because I was trying to run the show, I can only say work the steps. Come to believe that something can provide that defense and ask that something to provide that defense.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
in God's timing
Originally Posted by Sober58
My problem is that I feel so sad at all the damage I did when I was drinking.
I have hurt my daughter and my husband more than anyone.
I feel so guilty and so sad when I think of the things I did and said when I was drinking.
I live with this guilt and I cant shake it.
this is very common for most who get sober
yes -- the wreckage of my past was horrendous
the best thing that we can do for the ones whom we hurt is
just keep staying sober one day at a time
we don't look way down the road
but
I must say
most who have been sober for a few years
have mended most bridges with loved ones
the trouble for drunks and addicts such as myself is
even without much time sober under our belts
we want a normal life to be back with us and our families ASAP
we need to remember
it all takes time ------------ in God's timing
and
it won't ever happen if we don't keep the plug in the jug
yes -- the wreckage of my past was horrendous
the best thing that we can do for the ones whom we hurt is
just keep staying sober one day at a time
we don't look way down the road
but
I must say
most who have been sober for a few years
have mended most bridges with loved ones
the trouble for drunks and addicts such as myself is
even without much time sober under our belts
we want a normal life to be back with us and our families ASAP
we need to remember
it all takes time ------------ in God's timing
and
it won't ever happen if we don't keep the plug in the jug
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Sober,
I understand how you feel overwhelmed with the guilt of what has happened. I struggled very much with the same thing when I stopped drinking. My children are grown now, too, with their own children. It was long ago that I drank - my daughter was 16 to 19 yrs, my son was 18 to 21 yrs. My daughter was furious with me, she had so much anger. It took a long time to regain her trust and I didn't know if I ever would. It was truly the hardest part of recovery for me because I just didn't know what would happen.
Things have worked out amazingly well and both my children entrust their children with me, without concern. In my years of recovery I continue to make quiet amends to my daughter and to my son, and I will until the day I die. It's what I have to do.
You can get through this. Journaling helped me a lot.
I understand how you feel overwhelmed with the guilt of what has happened. I struggled very much with the same thing when I stopped drinking. My children are grown now, too, with their own children. It was long ago that I drank - my daughter was 16 to 19 yrs, my son was 18 to 21 yrs. My daughter was furious with me, she had so much anger. It took a long time to regain her trust and I didn't know if I ever would. It was truly the hardest part of recovery for me because I just didn't know what would happen.
Things have worked out amazingly well and both my children entrust their children with me, without concern. In my years of recovery I continue to make quiet amends to my daughter and to my son, and I will until the day I die. It's what I have to do.
You can get through this. Journaling helped me a lot.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Sober58,
I can relate to the guilt. For a long time after I sobered up I felt very undeserving of all the good things that were happening to me.
I just wonder if you could answer a question for me, which might help me put together a more helpful response to your post.
Can you describe what you mean by the statement "really working the program"?
I can relate to the guilt. For a long time after I sobered up I felt very undeserving of all the good things that were happening to me.
I just wonder if you could answer a question for me, which might help me put together a more helpful response to your post.
Can you describe what you mean by the statement "really working the program"?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
It sounds like it will take time. However, if you're serious about getting sober and serious about AA, I strongly believe your children will notice and probably be very proud of you, but they may not say anything early in the proccess. Try to keep that thought in your mind as you work on staying sober.
IMO, redemption is something that can't be rushed. BTW, guilt is really a useless emotion. No matter how guilty you feel, it will not undo the damage that was done in the past, nor will it help you or your family heal. However, getting and staying sober, and becoming the good person that you really are can help both you and your family members heal.
IMO, redemption is something that can't be rushed. BTW, guilt is really a useless emotion. No matter how guilty you feel, it will not undo the damage that was done in the past, nor will it help you or your family heal. However, getting and staying sober, and becoming the good person that you really are can help both you and your family members heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. I said so many I'm sorrys while drinking they were just lies to their ears. Once the plug was in the jug I didn't need to say it very often and when the trust did return it was meaningful. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Ah, I know that feeling so well. I was consumed with guilt and it robbed me each and every day of any peace I had. It was a bit of a rude awakening for me to find out that when actively drinking, I didn't operate in a vacuum, and the same was true as I got sober. As a matter of fact, I had estranged family and friends that liked to throw my behaviors at me, and I felt it deeply.
My counselor told me I had to remind myself that that was then and this is now. To family & friends: Thanks for the reminder, but I don't do that anymore! It was in the small daily acts of kindness to myself and others that helped me get out of that thought pattern. The best gift I could give to myself and others was the gift of not drinking and kindness, and through putting my best foot forward each day, the rewards would be reaped cumulatively. It was no lie when I was promised that this would happen.
I found it was the actions that counted, and not just the words. Stay the course, drop all judgments and keep that hope alive. It is all those little steps we take each day to reach the top of the mountain
My counselor told me I had to remind myself that that was then and this is now. To family & friends: Thanks for the reminder, but I don't do that anymore! It was in the small daily acts of kindness to myself and others that helped me get out of that thought pattern. The best gift I could give to myself and others was the gift of not drinking and kindness, and through putting my best foot forward each day, the rewards would be reaped cumulatively. It was no lie when I was promised that this would happen.
I found it was the actions that counted, and not just the words. Stay the course, drop all judgments and keep that hope alive. It is all those little steps we take each day to reach the top of the mountain
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