Addict calling me controlling. Help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: California
Posts: 44
Addict calling me controlling. Help!
Someone recently posted something about control on one of these threads and I can't find it! Can you help me?
My husband is accusing me of being a control freak. The thread was something about controlling the things in your own life is okay....I am not being controlling. I barely even talk to him!
AHHHH!!!!
My husband is accusing me of being a control freak. The thread was something about controlling the things in your own life is okay....I am not being controlling. I barely even talk to him!
AHHHH!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Tleac
Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true.
When we begin to practice healthier behaviors, an addict will often "escalate" their game. Sometimes.....it's ok to agree with them to stop the nonsense.
Personally, I might say "You are absolutely correct. I have a control problem. But I'm tired of trying to control things and people that are not within my control. So I am channeling that energy into myself.....because that is the only thing I can control."
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control
The courage to control the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
put another way......
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to control the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.
gentle hugs
ke
Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true.
When we begin to practice healthier behaviors, an addict will often "escalate" their game. Sometimes.....it's ok to agree with them to stop the nonsense.
Personally, I might say "You are absolutely correct. I have a control problem. But I'm tired of trying to control things and people that are not within my control. So I am channeling that energy into myself.....because that is the only thing I can control."
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control
The courage to control the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
put another way......
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to control the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: California
Posts: 44
I think I found it! They said, "We have no control over their behavior. But we do have control over our own behavior, and we certainly have control over our boundaries."
So just because I am controlling my own boundaries doesn't mean I am controlling him. I think he thinks that because I am not allowing him to see our baby while he is high and telling him I want nothing to do with him until he decides to go to rehab, that I am trying to control him. I'm not. He can do what he wants. But I've made decisions for myself and my children the best I see fit. It's his choice to fix himself if he wants his family back.
So just because I am controlling my own boundaries doesn't mean I am controlling him. I think he thinks that because I am not allowing him to see our baby while he is high and telling him I want nothing to do with him until he decides to go to rehab, that I am trying to control him. I'm not. He can do what he wants. But I've made decisions for myself and my children the best I see fit. It's his choice to fix himself if he wants his family back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Please don't think too much about what he says. It is impossible to reason with an active addict. No matter how much you think about it, it won't make sense. Then, you start thinking you're the one that's crazy. I've been there, and it's just a waste of your energy.
Good for you for making the best choice for your baby and yourself.
Good for you for making the best choice for your baby and yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to control the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.
The courage to control the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.
Senior moment.....I think.....how old do you have to be to have senior moments? Over 50? lol
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: California
Posts: 44
True Bluebelle! He has told me before that I am crazy and I did actually start believing him for a minute there. I try not to take his words too seriously, but it is hard to decipher what should matter and what shouldn't. I guess at this point nothing should. I'm going to try no contact and see if I can be strong enough to pull that one off.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Oh my! My xah use to call me that ALL the time. He was so angry and said it with such vengeance. It hurt so bad. Honestly, I am a VERY strong person. I have always been independent. I was always the one who paid the bills and helped guide our life choices. I was a doer and my x was a um, well, a non doer. He liked to think of big ideas, but never had any follow thru or thought of details. So, I became the "controlling" one. One time he lost his wallet, and didn't tell me for 3 days. He didn't want to upset me. Meanwhile, he didn't take any steps to protect credit cards and bank info. He didn't cancel anything. He just hoped his wallet would appear. I had just had a baby and was a stay at home mom. We had thousands on credit cards and in our banks. I was speechless he sat on this for 3 days. I was the one who needed to calm down. I was living with an irresponsible man child.
So, this was his tool to manipulate me. Because guess what? I might be controlling, independent and bossy, BUT I was always willing to awknowledge and discuss. I was always willing to hear him out and try to change myself. In fact, I have come a long way from when I was 21! I remember towards the end of the relationship he used this manipulation tactic to get whatever he wanted. I was trying so hard to make things work even though I knew something was wrong. If he wanted something, and I wasn't keen on it I became "controlling". I would then backed down and felt guilty and bad about myself, and he got what he wanted. He always got what he wanted. I never realized how selfish he really is until just recently. He really made me feel like I was a loser. It wasn't until he left me that I felt my self confident again. I realized I am a kind, strong woman. I am very fair...in fact more then at times.
Then, after he abandoned me and my son, that was all I heard...I was controlling. Blah blah.
After awhile it is like, ya got anything else? He defaulted on the divorce and only had supervised visits. This was my fault being controlling. God knows it had nothing to do with the fact he was snorting cocaine, smoking weed and cavorting around with very slimey people. If he were the sober man he was 10 years ago he would thank me. The safety of my son and stability in his life is #1. He needs role models, not addicts.
After he abandoned us I have probably talked to him maybe 4 or 5 times on the phone (in 2 years). All conversations always went nowhere. I remember one of the conversations he started in with the controlling thing again and I said, "honestly, I really don't care what you think of me. I am not changing." He was shocked. Really shocked. Not only could he not use his manipulation tool anymore, but I think he was actually hurt that his opinion no longer mattered to me. I also set boundries and would not budge. I budged a few times, and got screwed by him. So, I was strict. He was furious with me. I gave him nothing he wanted. He threw a tantrum.
All I can say is nobody is perfect. We all have are "things". If you are able to always learn and grow from life lessons as a person, that is all you can do.
Don't let anyone put you down!!
So, this was his tool to manipulate me. Because guess what? I might be controlling, independent and bossy, BUT I was always willing to awknowledge and discuss. I was always willing to hear him out and try to change myself. In fact, I have come a long way from when I was 21! I remember towards the end of the relationship he used this manipulation tactic to get whatever he wanted. I was trying so hard to make things work even though I knew something was wrong. If he wanted something, and I wasn't keen on it I became "controlling". I would then backed down and felt guilty and bad about myself, and he got what he wanted. He always got what he wanted. I never realized how selfish he really is until just recently. He really made me feel like I was a loser. It wasn't until he left me that I felt my self confident again. I realized I am a kind, strong woman. I am very fair...in fact more then at times.
Then, after he abandoned me and my son, that was all I heard...I was controlling. Blah blah.
After awhile it is like, ya got anything else? He defaulted on the divorce and only had supervised visits. This was my fault being controlling. God knows it had nothing to do with the fact he was snorting cocaine, smoking weed and cavorting around with very slimey people. If he were the sober man he was 10 years ago he would thank me. The safety of my son and stability in his life is #1. He needs role models, not addicts.
After he abandoned us I have probably talked to him maybe 4 or 5 times on the phone (in 2 years). All conversations always went nowhere. I remember one of the conversations he started in with the controlling thing again and I said, "honestly, I really don't care what you think of me. I am not changing." He was shocked. Really shocked. Not only could he not use his manipulation tool anymore, but I think he was actually hurt that his opinion no longer mattered to me. I also set boundries and would not budge. I budged a few times, and got screwed by him. So, I was strict. He was furious with me. I gave him nothing he wanted. He threw a tantrum.
All I can say is nobody is perfect. We all have are "things". If you are able to always learn and grow from life lessons as a person, that is all you can do.
Don't let anyone put you down!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by growingold 
I am new to here, my daughter said the same thing to me about trying to control her. Words were said and now things are a mess. Where do I go from here?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I love these three expressions.
What you think of me does not define who I am.
What you think of me is none of my business. (Sometimes, I added so just stop talking, lol)
You have every right to your own feelings.
What you think of me does not define who I am.
What you think of me is none of my business. (Sometimes, I added so just stop talking, lol)
You have every right to your own feelings.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
I love these three expressions.
What you think of me does not define who I am.
What you think of me is none of my business. (Sometimes, I added so just stop talking, lol)
You have every right to your own feelings.
What you think of me does not define who I am.
What you think of me is none of my business. (Sometimes, I added so just stop talking, lol)
You have every right to your own feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I think addicts and other manipulators know exactly what to say that will push our buttons...And many women in our culture are conditioned as small girls to wince at being called controlling (bossy is the first word we hear), and because we have been brought up to be deferential, accommodating, and caring, we freak out when someone calls us controlling--especially when that very person causes so much CHAOS in our lives. It's just too ironic sometimes, the things that people say when they are defensive and in the spotlight of their addiction or other bad behavior. My R(sort of)AD told me last week that I had not supported her since she was 12. Can you believe that actually upset me? Even for a second? It did. I have repeated it several times to friends who just laugh. Who wants to be the unsupportive parent or controlling partner? Not too many of us who read here regularly! I need to learn to laugh like they did when hearing that.
It's not easy for me to say, because I have been there, but because I have really been there, I am encouraging you to not believe any such thing in so far as it is exaggerated, said in anger, or meant to blame-shift.
It's not easy for me to say, because I have been there, but because I have really been there, I am encouraging you to not believe any such thing in so far as it is exaggerated, said in anger, or meant to blame-shift.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Boundaries are for you and are "I" statements where the responsibility of enforcing them is on you. Control is "you" statements where the responsibility is on others.
Boundary: I will not live with someone in active addiction. If they refuse treatment, I will remove myself from the situation.
Control: You must go to rehab.
Boundary: I will not live with someone who is not in a recovery program. But, I will work a program of my own.
Control: You must go to meetings.
Others are allowed to live their lives as they choose. But, we too also have choices of what and who we allow in our lives. Boundaries are not an attempt to get others to change into who we want them to be...control does.
And, seeing a therapist for one-on-one treatment has helped many. It's not something to be ashamed of. But, I would get a recommendation or interview several to make sure they are very familiar with addictive relationships.
Boundary: I will not live with someone in active addiction. If they refuse treatment, I will remove myself from the situation.
Control: You must go to rehab.
Boundary: I will not live with someone who is not in a recovery program. But, I will work a program of my own.
Control: You must go to meetings.
Others are allowed to live their lives as they choose. But, we too also have choices of what and who we allow in our lives. Boundaries are not an attempt to get others to change into who we want them to be...control does.
And, seeing a therapist for one-on-one treatment has helped many. It's not something to be ashamed of. But, I would get a recommendation or interview several to make sure they are very familiar with addictive relationships.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by Tleac
I think I found it! They said, "We have no control over their behavior. But we do have control over our own behavior, and we certainly have control over our boundaries."
So just because I am controlling my own boundaries doesn't mean I am controlling him. I think he thinks that because I am not allowing him to see our baby while he is high and telling him I want nothing to do with him until he decides to go to rehab, that I am trying to control him. I'm not. He can do what he wants. But I've made decisions for myself and my children the best I see fit. It's his choice to fix himself if he wants his family back.
So just because I am controlling my own boundaries doesn't mean I am controlling him. I think he thinks that because I am not allowing him to see our baby while he is high and telling him I want nothing to do with him until he decides to go to rehab, that I am trying to control him. I'm not. He can do what he wants. But I've made decisions for myself and my children the best I see fit. It's his choice to fix himself if he wants his family back.
He has the right to choose how he wants to live his life, but so DO YOU and if you choose to not want to live with someone who is active addiction that is your right.
He is just doin' what addicts do to guilt trip those that have decided to take a stand. He is flapping his gums and he will continue to do so until he finds a weak spot. Don't let him verbally bully you. Stand your ground and continue to make healthy choices for you and your baby. Don't expect him to like your decisions. I can guarantee that he won't, but don't let that stop you. You are doing the right thing whether he likes it or not.
If he finds true recovery it will all make sense to him one day. If not one day you will find yourself so grateful that you did the right thing now instead of years later.
Hugs,
Passion
Recovering Addict
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by nytepassion
If he finds true recovery it will all make sense to him one day. If not one day you will find yourself so grateful that you did the right thing now instead of years later.
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